Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 60 "Unaware"Assorted poetry
11 total reviews
Comment from innerworlds
I really like this poem and would have given it another star in the rating except for four words.
You have so brilliantly set up the cuteness of a baby duckling waddling along and then sprinkled us with growing apprehension as it crosses the highway. The car is indifferent to this fuzzy little baby, but the children inside the car panic in their helplessness to help it avoid the coming danger. At this point, I was hoping the driver would yank hard on the steering wheel or slam on the brakes... but instead, he is creating a laundry issue. My point: If your intention was to relieve the anxiety just created by using a sudden change in focus, I think it was too sudden. And by keeping the suspense increasing instead, it could have set up an even greater relief for us to feel when the duckling is not injured and indeed, is as oblivious to the car as it was to him. Just the same, I thought this piece was very well written. The photo was a great mood starter, too! Thanks for sharing this!
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reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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I really like this poem and would have given it another star in the rating except for four words.
You have so brilliantly set up the cuteness of a baby duckling waddling along and then sprinkled us with growing apprehension as it crosses the highway. The car is indifferent to this fuzzy little baby, but the children inside the car panic in their helplessness to help it avoid the coming danger. At this point, I was hoping the driver would yank hard on the steering wheel or slam on the brakes... but instead, he is creating a laundry issue. My point: If your intention was to relieve the anxiety just created by using a sudden change in focus, I think it was too sudden. And by keeping the suspense increasing instead, it could have set up an even greater relief for us to feel when the duckling is not injured and indeed, is as oblivious to the car as it was to him. Just the same, I thought this piece was very well written. The photo was a great mood starter, too! Thanks for sharing this!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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The tiny duckling
Waddles across the highway
Unforgiving car
Kids scream; car skids to curb
Flat duckling pressed into tread