Wedding Day Bliss
Short Story24 total reviews
Comment from nordicgirl
Of course considering the category I knew the ending, but so what. The journey was perfection. You didn't waste a word and told a complex story. A clear winner IMHO.
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Of course considering the category I knew the ending, but so what. The journey was perfection. You didn't waste a word and told a complex story. A clear winner IMHO.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from dennis0530
Bad deeds always come back to haunt the perpetrator. But in this case, it was final and fatal.
Hellvatio should have suspected something when Louie asked about the family in Tecate. But pride and arrogance must have clouded that. He chose to detail his power over the innocent.
Far from what he imagined their first night to be. "I have everything dreamed of here in my arms." Dreamed of maybe -
but he didn't get close enough to face reality.
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Bad deeds always come back to haunt the perpetrator. But in this case, it was final and fatal.
Hellvatio should have suspected something when Louie asked about the family in Tecate. But pride and arrogance must have clouded that. He chose to detail his power over the innocent.
Far from what he imagined their first night to be. "I have everything dreamed of here in my arms." Dreamed of maybe -
but he didn't get close enough to face reality.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from amanda98653
Wow! I love this! The twist is great and flawless.
Love these descriptions:
"He resembled a ground sloth in shape as well as facial features. His reputation as a brutal assassin and drug lord was known locally and well earned."
one suggestion-
1. with her heart(-) stopping beauty
my favorite one
hugs
Amanda
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Wow! I love this! The twist is great and flawless.
Love these descriptions:
"He resembled a ground sloth in shape as well as facial features. His reputation as a brutal assassin and drug lord was known locally and well earned."
one suggestion-
1. with her heart(-) stopping beauty
my favorite one
hugs
Amanda
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from Dean Kuch
First off, I love Megan Fox. Gorgeous girl. I don't know who the picture of the girl is at the end of this well written thriller, but you did a pretty good job of matching them up.
As for lovely Louie, well, she had every reason to have an axe to grind with ole Hector Hellvatio (nice alliteration there, by the way). But, I'd imagine there were quite a few who had similar bones to pick with him. Hector simply forgot the most basic rules of running a business like his. Never allow anyone to get too close, not without a bodyguard hanging around, even while having sex, and never -- under any circumstances -- fall in love.
Good story, MC, and even though I knew where you were going with it about 1/2 way through, that still didn't take away the fun of arriving at the final destination.
Good luck to you!
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First off, I love Megan Fox. Gorgeous girl. I don't know who the picture of the girl is at the end of this well written thriller, but you did a pretty good job of matching them up.
As for lovely Louie, well, she had every reason to have an axe to grind with ole Hector Hellvatio (nice alliteration there, by the way). But, I'd imagine there were quite a few who had similar bones to pick with him. Hector simply forgot the most basic rules of running a business like his. Never allow anyone to get too close, not without a bodyguard hanging around, even while having sex, and never -- under any circumstances -- fall in love.
Good story, MC, and even though I knew where you were going with it about 1/2 way through, that still didn't take away the fun of arriving at the final destination.
Good luck to you!
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from JM
Nice play of words especially with Louie Chingas. I guess her last name says it all. {Se lo chingo.) I like your story because the woman got even. Your description of Hector makes the reader hate him. Great story.
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Nice play of words especially with Louie Chingas. I guess her last name says it all. {Se lo chingo.) I like your story because the woman got even. Your description of Hector makes the reader hate him. Great story.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from adewpearl
I love their names :-)
heart-stopping beauty - add the hyphen
great descriptions of the two of them, quite a contrast
Few understand that brutality, and acts - I added the comma
I grabbed the older girl, telling - add comma
I had figured out who she was before the reveal, but I still liked that she had waited patiently to exact her revenge. This guy's joy in retelling the story of ripping and shredding people was chilling. Brooke
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I love their names :-)
heart-stopping beauty - add the hyphen
great descriptions of the two of them, quite a contrast
Few understand that brutality, and acts - I added the comma
I grabbed the older girl, telling - add comma
I had figured out who she was before the reveal, but I still liked that she had waited patiently to exact her revenge. This guy's joy in retelling the story of ripping and shredding people was chilling. Brooke
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from humpwhistle
Wow, a pretty brutal story, Mikey (type color). I'm not sure someone could actually rip off limbs and heads with his bare hands.
A couple of notes:
It turned heads when Senorita Lourdes Fortunada Chingas walked the aisle into the waiting arms of Hector 'Bloody Hands' Hellvatio.--If you write 'Senorita Lourdes Fortunada Chingas turned heads when she...' You avoid starting your story with the dreaded 'It'.
"I have everything (I?) dreamed of here in my arms
'Do not cross me- this is what happens', that they remember."
I'd consider putting a period after 'happens'.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
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Wow, a pretty brutal story, Mikey (type color). I'm not sure someone could actually rip off limbs and heads with his bare hands.
A couple of notes:
It turned heads when Senorita Lourdes Fortunada Chingas walked the aisle into the waiting arms of Hector 'Bloody Hands' Hellvatio.--If you write 'Senorita Lourdes Fortunada Chingas turned heads when she...' You avoid starting your story with the dreaded 'It'.
"I have everything (I?) dreamed of here in my arms
'Do not cross me- this is what happens', that they remember."
I'd consider putting a period after 'happens'.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Looks fantastic to me. Some drop dead gorgeous image too. You got good taste Mikey. The prose was good too. Can't do a whole lot with flash fiction 500 words, but you did well with what you are allocated. Also, I finally know how to spell Tijuana. I racked my brain trying to figure out that word. A Tijuana tequila sunrise was what I was thinking of? Looks like a contender, good luck... count your doubloon. wackydo
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Looks fantastic to me. Some drop dead gorgeous image too. You got good taste Mikey. The prose was good too. Can't do a whole lot with flash fiction 500 words, but you did well with what you are allocated. Also, I finally know how to spell Tijuana. I racked my brain trying to figure out that word. A Tijuana tequila sunrise was what I was thinking of? Looks like a contender, good luck... count your doubloon. wackydo
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Lovvve the ending. The old pervert was dumb enough to fall for an old trick. Beautiful young women don't want ugly old men... they want SOMETHING, though. He might have figured out what she wanted, had he not been so blinded by his ego. She shouldn't have shot him in the head tho. First the balls. Let him squirm in agony on the floor, then a foot, an arm, a leg, etc. Don't give him the gift of a quick death. Watch him suffer while you tell him how ugly and stupid he is. But that's just how I would do it. Guess everyone is different. LOL! :)
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Lovvve the ending. The old pervert was dumb enough to fall for an old trick. Beautiful young women don't want ugly old men... they want SOMETHING, though. He might have figured out what she wanted, had he not been so blinded by his ego. She shouldn't have shot him in the head tho. First the balls. Let him squirm in agony on the floor, then a foot, an arm, a leg, etc. Don't give him the gift of a quick death. Watch him suffer while you tell him how ugly and stupid he is. But that's just how I would do it. Guess everyone is different. LOL! :)
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from Acquired Taste
Terrific story.....love the description of a ground sloth - that brings both him and his values clearly to mind. I do believe this is the kind of thing that does happen all too often in these countries dependent upon the drug trade. And with the way we are going - it may yet happen here.
Great story - wishes for the best of luck in the contest. AT=/
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Terrific story.....love the description of a ground sloth - that brings both him and his values clearly to mind. I do believe this is the kind of thing that does happen all too often in these countries dependent upon the drug trade. And with the way we are going - it may yet happen here.
Great story - wishes for the best of luck in the contest. AT=/
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014