I Cast No Shadow
Short Story20 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
I enjoyed reading your short story. Interesting concept and, of course, I hoped the cops would nail him for the crime. Like the dialogue and shadow trying to get cops' attention. Particularly like: "Nice acting, Pierre, like me in bed."
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I enjoyed reading your short story. Interesting concept and, of course, I hoped the cops would nail him for the crime. Like the dialogue and shadow trying to get cops' attention. Particularly like: "Nice acting, Pierre, like me in bed."
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements wonderfully. You made exceptionally good use of the words allotted as you deliver a truly thrilling narrative in this well penned piece. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing this with me.
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This meets the contest requirements wonderfully. You made exceptionally good use of the words allotted as you deliver a truly thrilling narrative in this well penned piece. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you so much for sharing this with me.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
Comment from adewpearl
Powerful opening with the murder victim as narrator
He killed me, you idiots - add comma for direct address
I can feel the outrage and frustration of the narrator - most effective
Brooke
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Powerful opening with the murder victim as narrator
He killed me, you idiots - add comma for direct address
I can feel the outrage and frustration of the narrator - most effective
Brooke
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
Comment from mikemagine
There's been some fine horror fiction entered into this contest, and this is certainly a strong piece that has as much chance to "take it" as any other entry.
Insult to injury. Pierre murders her and then she can't get justice.
Very well done. I see zero flaws.
Peace.
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There's been some fine horror fiction entered into this contest, and this is certainly a strong piece that has as much chance to "take it" as any other entry.
Insult to injury. Pierre murders her and then she can't get justice.
Very well done. I see zero flaws.
Peace.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
Comment from mfowler
Great little plot for horror. The ghost/spirit of the victim frustrated and powerless, watching her killer husband play the poor husband lost. Nicely narrated from the ghot's perspective, using feelings and observations to best effect. Good luck with this.
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Great little plot for horror. The ghost/spirit of the victim frustrated and powerless, watching her killer husband play the poor husband lost. Nicely narrated from the ghot's perspective, using feelings and observations to best effect. Good luck with this.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Interesting POV and premise for a story, but a few problems present themselves. I'm a little confused by your use of italics since they're typically utilized to mark the thoughts of a character, but the story is written in the first person. That's Inception style narration. Also, the ending could use a tweak. Why would the body lacking a shadow be meaningful? It'd be strange for sure, but it's not like a prosecuting attorney isn't going to use it as his key evidence during a trial. Give it another edit and I think it'll be greatly improved by it. Best of luck in the contest!
EDIT
The changes you made make for a cleaner, easier to read story, I upgrade you from a 4 to a 5. I think the narrator's exasperated tone is a refreshing turn from the confused horror that you would usually read with this kind of tale. I still think the ending could use a bit more love, but it's an artistic choice. Good luck with the contest!
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Interesting POV and premise for a story, but a few problems present themselves. I'm a little confused by your use of italics since they're typically utilized to mark the thoughts of a character, but the story is written in the first person. That's Inception style narration. Also, the ending could use a tweak. Why would the body lacking a shadow be meaningful? It'd be strange for sure, but it's not like a prosecuting attorney isn't going to use it as his key evidence during a trial. Give it another edit and I think it'll be greatly improved by it. Best of luck in the contest!
EDIT
The changes you made make for a cleaner, easier to read story, I upgrade you from a 4 to a 5. I think the narrator's exasperated tone is a refreshing turn from the confused horror that you would usually read with this kind of tale. I still think the ending could use a bit more love, but it's an artistic choice. Good luck with the contest!
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Thank you for the info on POV. I do have some confusion with it. I see what you mean about the thoughts. They are all her thoughts. I suppose I was trying to distinguish between her describing what was going on and what she thought about it. The body not having a shadow wouldn't be that significant except to her who is trapped inside of her shadow. Thanks for the input. I do have some time to see if I can put some of your tips to use. Appreciate the in depth response.
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You're welcome! Tell me if you post an edit, I'll be happy to reevaluate it.
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I've made some changes, removed the italics. I tried to emphasize the frustration of the person trapped in the shadow. A little better I think. Thanks. :)
Comment from lancellot
This is an interesting mostly narrative from a victim.
My shadow paces the landing and I've somehow entered it.
- a bit confusing here, Mikey. Did she enter the landing or her shadow?
I enter the room and try to get someone's attention.
- at this point her reaction make no sense. The reader knows, from her, that she is dead. Why would she expect someone to notice her spirit or shadow?
Also the body must be laying on the floor. You'd expect it not to cast a shadow or much of one at all.
There doesn't seem to be an unexpected or flash ending. I would change that somehow before the voting.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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This is an interesting mostly narrative from a victim.
My shadow paces the landing and I've somehow entered it.
- a bit confusing here, Mikey. Did she enter the landing or her shadow?
I enter the room and try to get someone's attention.
- at this point her reaction make no sense. The reader knows, from her, that she is dead. Why would she expect someone to notice her spirit or shadow?
Also the body must be laying on the floor. You'd expect it not to cast a shadow or much of one at all.
There doesn't seem to be an unexpected or flash ending. I would change that somehow before the voting.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Some good points. Appreciate the detailed review. I do have quite a bit of time before the vote. I'll mull it over and see if I can make some improvements. She's thrown from the balcony to the ground below, that might not be clear. No one noticing the shadow or lack of it is part of the angst, theoretically. :) Thanks for the help.
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I made a few changes. I'm trying to illustrate the frustration of the spirit trapped in the shadow as far as it being helpless to do anything. If you have a moment to take a look. It's better in any case. Thanks again.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Clever, cool cookie, ole Pierre, Tossed his old lady off of the balcony then feigned sleep before the cops got there to investigate. He already had everything cleaned and tidied up, too.
Unfortunately for dear Pierre, I fear he's doomed to a life of hatred fueled haunting by his dearly departed beloved. Well...ex-beloved, as it were...heh-heh.
Good story. Have fun in the competition! :}
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Clever, cool cookie, ole Pierre, Tossed his old lady off of the balcony then feigned sleep before the cops got there to investigate. He already had everything cleaned and tidied up, too.
Unfortunately for dear Pierre, I fear he's doomed to a life of hatred fueled haunting by his dearly departed beloved. Well...ex-beloved, as it were...heh-heh.
Good story. Have fun in the competition! :}
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
Comment from Cajungirl
I hope her ghost haunts him all the days of his life. LOL
Great horror story. Very cleaver story. Best of luck in the competition.
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I hope her ghost haunts him all the days of his life. LOL
Great horror story. Very cleaver story. Best of luck in the competition.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
Comment from country ranch writer
HUM SOME ALIBI HE HAS GOING THERE, HE IS TO PRESUME TO THE COPS YOUR MUST HAVE JUMPED? HE IS HOPING THE FIND NO TRACE SAYING OTHER WISE. CUT AND DRYED
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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HUM SOME ALIBI HE HAS GOING THERE, HE IS TO PRESUME TO THE COPS YOUR MUST HAVE JUMPED? HE IS HOPING THE FIND NO TRACE SAYING OTHER WISE. CUT AND DRYED
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014