Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Rollin on the River"Shenanigans on the frontier
22 total reviews
Comment from Sanku
The authors note helped to understand the reference to 'Our randmother' .the names are interesting ..Sweeping Eagle, Lonesome owl, etc etc
I hope the waters would guide them to safety
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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The authors note helped to understand the reference to 'Our randmother' .the names are interesting ..Sweeping Eagle, Lonesome owl, etc etc
I hope the waters would guide them to safety
Comment Written 20-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Thank you. Our Grandmother will be explained further as I develop the Shawnee characters. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Earl,
A good solid continuation of the story here. Good levels of description and there's a very nice balance in the piece. the transitions from the different perspectives is handled well. That's a great end line too. lol
Few things I noted down as I read-
He misjudged how far up from the river he'd been, -I had to read this a few times as initially I thought it meant up river. Of course it could just be me but you could just say simply 'how far above...'
Laying there something didn't feel right to him; he was laying on something solid. - watch out for repetition. I get this is being told by Roseanna and she has her voice but just something to be careful of.
It may be an idea to differentiate between thought marks and speech marks. Currently you're using double marks for both. I would suggest using single marks for the thought.
"He's awake pa, "a young female - spacing here.
Awake are ye? Mister you must have drank half of the Ohio before we fished ye out - I would insert a comma after Mister here. Also, you use you and ye for you. It may be better to keep to one version for consistency.
Doo replied."Where am I?" - spacing here.
I think you could go further here in editing out some speech tags.
Why you're on my boat / Hell man yore lucky the fall - two different presentations of you're as well.
He could care less one way or another - really this should be couldn't care less. this is a commonly misused phrase. The way it is currently written means he did care.
Swooping Eagle silent thanked Our Grandmother for Stalking Panthers' greed.- should probably be silently.
When separating your sections, it's probably best to use a single centred character, but usually no more than three.
"Well now what am I to do with ye? - need closing speech marks here.
"If you'd feed me I'd be mighty obliged, I ain't et nuthin in four days," Doo said.
"I'd take my turn on the poles until we get to Pittsburgh." - the second piece of dialogue here doesn't need a new paragraph.
Doo's dialect doesn't seem to follow any consistent speech pattern. Wolfe's is more consistent.
letting his daughter do the poling while he manned the tiller - need end punctuation here.
After the first hour, Doo's shoulders started to be sore - you could trim here and use a stronger verb such as Doo's shoulders ached/throbbed or suchlike.
"Oh my, you're hands look a sight let me fix them for you, - your. Also, need closing speech marks here.
She went in the shanty and reemerged - re-emerged needs to be hyphenated.
"No sir, best thing I've had to et in a week." - Doo speaks 'eat' earlier, using et for ate.
and washed them out then took them back into the cabin - need end punctuation here.
"She is barely more than a child," Lonesome Owl said - is this not an odd comment given that at 14 many women, especially native ones were already married off by this age?
He quietly started to lead them towards the bank - phrases such as started to/began to don't add much. You could dispense with them and simply use 'he quietly led them...'.
He looked over at Jed and saw a figure too big to be Janie hovering over him.
"Injuns, Boy I'm glad we're too close to Pittsburgh to post guards," Doo thought to himself.
As quietly as he could he got to his feet, then drew his knife. He started around the other side of the shanty, if he hadn't smelled the bear grease in Black Hoof's hair he would have bumped into him. - if the figure was hovering over him, how did he get up and around the shanty without being noticed?
his left arm around Black Hoofs throat - Hoof's.
"Thwack," - full stop / period rather than a comma. Also, this doesn't necessarily need to be in marks. You could use bold or italics.
"Where is Black Hoof? - need closing speech marks here.
Swooping Eagle watched his quarry run to the door of the shanty, grab the girl, ran for the side closest to the shore and jump off. - ran should be run here to preserve the tense.
"Now what?" Said Lonesome Owl. - said. Following speech marks should be lower case unless a proper noun or name.
Janie was standing there still holding the empty rifle - need end punctuation here.
Half way down with a sign - Halfway could be a single word here.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Hi Earl,
A good solid continuation of the story here. Good levels of description and there's a very nice balance in the piece. the transitions from the different perspectives is handled well. That's a great end line too. lol
Few things I noted down as I read-
He misjudged how far up from the river he'd been, -I had to read this a few times as initially I thought it meant up river. Of course it could just be me but you could just say simply 'how far above...'
Laying there something didn't feel right to him; he was laying on something solid. - watch out for repetition. I get this is being told by Roseanna and she has her voice but just something to be careful of.
It may be an idea to differentiate between thought marks and speech marks. Currently you're using double marks for both. I would suggest using single marks for the thought.
"He's awake pa, "a young female - spacing here.
Awake are ye? Mister you must have drank half of the Ohio before we fished ye out - I would insert a comma after Mister here. Also, you use you and ye for you. It may be better to keep to one version for consistency.
Doo replied."Where am I?" - spacing here.
I think you could go further here in editing out some speech tags.
Why you're on my boat / Hell man yore lucky the fall - two different presentations of you're as well.
He could care less one way or another - really this should be couldn't care less. this is a commonly misused phrase. The way it is currently written means he did care.
Swooping Eagle silent thanked Our Grandmother for Stalking Panthers' greed.- should probably be silently.
When separating your sections, it's probably best to use a single centred character, but usually no more than three.
"Well now what am I to do with ye? - need closing speech marks here.
"If you'd feed me I'd be mighty obliged, I ain't et nuthin in four days," Doo said.
"I'd take my turn on the poles until we get to Pittsburgh." - the second piece of dialogue here doesn't need a new paragraph.
Doo's dialect doesn't seem to follow any consistent speech pattern. Wolfe's is more consistent.
letting his daughter do the poling while he manned the tiller - need end punctuation here.
After the first hour, Doo's shoulders started to be sore - you could trim here and use a stronger verb such as Doo's shoulders ached/throbbed or suchlike.
"Oh my, you're hands look a sight let me fix them for you, - your. Also, need closing speech marks here.
She went in the shanty and reemerged - re-emerged needs to be hyphenated.
"No sir, best thing I've had to et in a week." - Doo speaks 'eat' earlier, using et for ate.
and washed them out then took them back into the cabin - need end punctuation here.
"She is barely more than a child," Lonesome Owl said - is this not an odd comment given that at 14 many women, especially native ones were already married off by this age?
He quietly started to lead them towards the bank - phrases such as started to/began to don't add much. You could dispense with them and simply use 'he quietly led them...'.
He looked over at Jed and saw a figure too big to be Janie hovering over him.
"Injuns, Boy I'm glad we're too close to Pittsburgh to post guards," Doo thought to himself.
As quietly as he could he got to his feet, then drew his knife. He started around the other side of the shanty, if he hadn't smelled the bear grease in Black Hoof's hair he would have bumped into him. - if the figure was hovering over him, how did he get up and around the shanty without being noticed?
his left arm around Black Hoofs throat - Hoof's.
"Thwack," - full stop / period rather than a comma. Also, this doesn't necessarily need to be in marks. You could use bold or italics.
"Where is Black Hoof? - need closing speech marks here.
Swooping Eagle watched his quarry run to the door of the shanty, grab the girl, ran for the side closest to the shore and jump off. - ran should be run here to preserve the tense.
"Now what?" Said Lonesome Owl. - said. Following speech marks should be lower case unless a proper noun or name.
Janie was standing there still holding the empty rifle - need end punctuation here.
Half way down with a sign - Halfway could be a single word here.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
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If you'd prefer I don't bother just say.
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No, you pointed out some issues I needed to fix which will ultimately make me a better writer. Thank you.
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Cool. All the technicalities are learnable. It's just practice. Personally, I hate commas.
Comment from heart of Lou
It's easy to be kind to you. The story is full of tension and surprises. I'm impressed that Janie shot an Indian, but of course she would have to be able to protect herself in the wilderness. I wonder what happens next! As a near drowning victim myself, I wonder if Doo would have been so ready to dive back in so soon, but I guess if that was his only chance he might.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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It's easy to be kind to you. The story is full of tension and surprises. I'm impressed that Janie shot an Indian, but of course she would have to be able to protect herself in the wilderness. I wonder what happens next! As a near drowning victim myself, I wonder if Doo would have been so ready to dive back in so soon, but I guess if that was his only chance he might.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Thanks for being kind. What happens next? Do the Shawnees keep up the chase? Does Doo learn to swim? Will they ever get to Pittsburgh? Only the Shadow Knows Bwahahahahaha. Seriously I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is action packed. I like it a lot. It's very well-written. I enjoy westerns. I recently posted The West. It's the story about a mysterious man traveling west in the 1800s.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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This is action packed. I like it a lot. It's very well-written. I enjoy westerns. I recently posted The West. It's the story about a mysterious man traveling west in the 1800s.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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I'll have to check that out. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.I hope this one is entertaining for you.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was excellent! I love this story. Now what? I'm sure he will be okay, the girl will probably save him from drowning again. lol, he'd best start learning before he ends up in the water again. I'm looking forward to the next part already! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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That was excellent! I love this story. Now what? I'm sure he will be okay, the girl will probably save him from drowning again. lol, he'd best start learning before he ends up in the water again. I'm looking forward to the next part already! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 19-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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Will Doo be all right? Will he learn to swim? Only the Shadow knows Bahahahaah. Seriously, I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
So Janie and Doo are in the river and Doo still doesn't know how to swim. I think it is a good time to try to learn. Hard to believe any boy of the period wouldn't have spent a lot of time in the river or pond of his choice. LOL
They don't have a weapon now if I read this right. His knife maybe? I am anxious to see how they fare getting away from their pursuers. I will fan you so I won't miss a chapter. Good Job. :)Nancy
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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So Janie and Doo are in the river and Doo still doesn't know how to swim. I think it is a good time to try to learn. Hard to believe any boy of the period wouldn't have spent a lot of time in the river or pond of his choice. LOL
They don't have a weapon now if I read this right. His knife maybe? I am anxious to see how they fare getting away from their pursuers. I will fan you so I won't miss a chapter. Good Job. :)Nancy
Comment Written 19-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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No weapon.They'll fare ok, but Doo learning to swim ain't going to happen in this book. I appreciate you taking the time to read and reviewing my work.
Comment from Sally Law
Very well done Earl with this long installment. I like a good, long read. Thanks for clarifying the Grandmother as being a guiding spirit. I learned something new today!
I see a typo near the end with She'd. You have two commas here as well.
All my best,
Sally
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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Very well done Earl with this long installment. I like a good, long read. Thanks for clarifying the Grandmother as being a guiding spirit. I learned something new today!
I see a typo near the end with She'd. You have two commas here as well.
All my best,
Sally
Comment Written 19-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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Nice catch on the typo. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work
Comment from LaFrance
Earl, Great continuing story, I enjoy your two viewpoints Doo's and then the Shawnee. The Dialogue is also something that is enjoying and I can't what for more of the characters.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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Earl, Great continuing story, I enjoy your two viewpoints Doo's and then the Shawnee. The Dialogue is also something that is enjoying and I can't what for more of the characters.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
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Thanks, I actually have people who don't like the two viewpoints.I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work
Comment from country ranch writer
Here he goes again getting his cart before his horse jumping into the deep blue sea not being able to swim.Now there is just the two of them she can save his bacon for the second time.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
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Here he goes again getting his cart before his horse jumping into the deep blue sea not being able to swim.Now there is just the two of them she can save his bacon for the second time.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
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Youll have to read the next installment to find out. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work, thank you.
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lol
Comment from barkingdog
I'm hooked for sure on your story. This was a wonderful chapter. Not too long for all that you managed to include. So exciting and you added a new character--Janie.
She rescued Doo and I guess, he's thinking he's rescuing her until he realizes that he STILL can't swim. haha. A little humor is always a good addition to any story.
It looks like she'll have to rescue him again.
Oh, it appears she's as good a shot as Doo.
All I would do to this piece is put periods where you have some of your commas. Otherwise, it reads clearly as it is.
I look forward to your next chapter.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
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I'm hooked for sure on your story. This was a wonderful chapter. Not too long for all that you managed to include. So exciting and you added a new character--Janie.
She rescued Doo and I guess, he's thinking he's rescuing her until he realizes that he STILL can't swim. haha. A little humor is always a good addition to any story.
It looks like she'll have to rescue him again.
Oh, it appears she's as good a shot as Doo.
All I would do to this piece is put periods where you have some of your commas. Otherwise, it reads clearly as it is.
I look forward to your next chapter.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
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Thanks. Janie is going to come back in a big way later on. Doo does need to learn to swim but i don't think it'll happen in this book. I' glad you're enjoying the book. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
I should think he's had enough of the Ohio River. lol