The Watcher
Class warfare29 total reviews
Comment from jinxiegal
Excellent! I was instantly drawn to this princess character...your descriptions of her are so real and captivating. Your comparison of her solemn beauty to the maid's comparitive daudiness is not only powerful, but realistic as well. Great dramatic ending...I could actually imagine a fantastic mystery coming from this flash fiction story! Keep on writing :)
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Excellent! I was instantly drawn to this princess character...your descriptions of her are so real and captivating. Your comparison of her solemn beauty to the maid's comparitive daudiness is not only powerful, but realistic as well. Great dramatic ending...I could actually imagine a fantastic mystery coming from this flash fiction story! Keep on writing :)
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Hi Jinxie! Please forgive me this horribly late reply? I so appreciate your time for me and It's neat that you think I should continue this? I will consider it. Hugs for your encouragment and smile!! Susan
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It's no problem! I haven't been on Fanstory in a while either. Keep up the great work! :)
Comment from adewpearl
tears of shame fell on it's cover - drop the apostrophe
it's = contraction of it is, not possessive of it
house maid's uniform - add apostrophe for possessive
OH, what an ending, Susan, as this jealous girl goes naked into the room where the privileged girl is playing the piano, armed with scissors to silence her.
I've often thought about this - my daughter is a nanny - the little girl she cares for has taken music lessons, ballet lessons, art lessons, Spanish lessons, yoga classes, gym classes - since she was 18 months old. And yet, so many little children within miles of her are lucky just to have their next meal to eat - from a young young age people experience such class differences. Brooke
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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tears of shame fell on it's cover - drop the apostrophe
it's = contraction of it is, not possessive of it
house maid's uniform - add apostrophe for possessive
OH, what an ending, Susan, as this jealous girl goes naked into the room where the privileged girl is playing the piano, armed with scissors to silence her.
I've often thought about this - my daughter is a nanny - the little girl she cares for has taken music lessons, ballet lessons, art lessons, Spanish lessons, yoga classes, gym classes - since she was 18 months old. And yet, so many little children within miles of her are lucky just to have their next meal to eat - from a young young age people experience such class differences. Brooke
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Hi Brooke! Thank you! I am really sorry for this horribly late reply...and I hope and bet, your daughter's employer treats her nicely? I HOPE! I was a maid too, when I was young. It was easy, the hard part was the attitude of the elderly couple to me. VERY condenscending. Very little thanks. Obama is called a socialist for wanting to help the poor. Oh....this world. Thanks for being here Brooke...susan
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Luckily, after working for a couple of cheap though rich employers, Miranda now works for wonderfully friendly, appreciative and appreciative people, and she makes more money than I ever did in my life! :-)
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Oh that's great news! She is so lucky! Thanks for letting me know Brooke! Tell her hello? Susan
Comment from humpwhistle
Susan, you've got some really good themes working here---envy and privilige. But I think you short-changed yourself by making the piece so short. There's is no time for the build up to the final scene. If you just let us follow the maid through her daily duties---instead of telling us about it, all the while having to listen to the Princess practicing---the soundtrack to her dismal and envious life...the reader would be able to feel her anger growing, and her mind becoming unhinged.
I'm sorry, Susan, but this is just an idea for a story. Probably a very good idea.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Susan, you've got some really good themes working here---envy and privilige. But I think you short-changed yourself by making the piece so short. There's is no time for the build up to the final scene. If you just let us follow the maid through her daily duties---instead of telling us about it, all the while having to listen to the Princess practicing---the soundtrack to her dismal and envious life...the reader would be able to feel her anger growing, and her mind becoming unhinged.
I'm sorry, Susan, but this is just an idea for a story. Probably a very good idea.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hi Lee! I did work on this and added to it, per your suggestion, it may still be lacking. But, onward! ") Thank you for this very kind and helpful review...I always greatly appreciate you Lee. Susan
Comment from BethShelby
Envy is a terrible thing. For some it is overpowering. In this case it lead to insanity and suicide. You have let us glimpse into the this life briefly as she observes something she can never have. Great flash fiction.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Envy is a terrible thing. For some it is overpowering. In this case it lead to insanity and suicide. You have let us glimpse into the this life briefly as she observes something she can never have. Great flash fiction.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Hi Beth, I hope you will forgive this horribly late reply? I really thank you for this kind review...I am finally getting caught up! ") I'm happy to hear you liked this! Luv, Susan
Comment from Dave Sargeant
Envy can ruin our life, our sanity, if we allow it to be in control of our lives. You bring in class in a dramatic way. There is no judgment on the pianist just a longing to be her or in her position. Dave.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Envy can ruin our life, our sanity, if we allow it to be in control of our lives. You bring in class in a dramatic way. There is no judgment on the pianist just a longing to be her or in her position. Dave.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Hi Dave! Yes, you understand this so well. Thank you very much...I like wondering about human relations and conditions and how fragile we really are. It's interesting? And thank you for a really good review...Keep warm!! Susan
Comment from CodyJack
That's a real high impact of an ending. She would get better and love herself as long as she was going to listen to God and let Him lead her through to accepting what He had given her. Great imagery and special ending. Your friend, Cody
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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That's a real high impact of an ending. She would get better and love herself as long as she was going to listen to God and let Him lead her through to accepting what He had given her. Great imagery and special ending. Your friend, Cody
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Hi Cody! Thank you so much! I know...I am feeling inadequate and tired of housework, so I saw this picture and so...") I like thinking about the human mind...SO fragile...and interesting...thank you again Cody, I always love hearing from you, you are special...susan
Comment from Trybuck
Why do you try to write horror?? You're too nice for it...:)
Had the maid remembered how she had killed other young girls and decided that this would be her final victim, yes the piano playiong darling would have to die with the maid that was really a guy.... Now that might be a horror...
Just kidding with you. I enjoy your stories, Buck
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Why do you try to write horror?? You're too nice for it...:)
Had the maid remembered how she had killed other young girls and decided that this would be her final victim, yes the piano playiong darling would have to die with the maid that was really a guy.... Now that might be a horror...
Just kidding with you. I enjoy your stories, Buck
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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") And I your reviews Buck!! I am always smiling when I hear from you! I really appreciate that too. Thank you my friend...I just like wondering about the human condition and how fragile our minds can be. Just look at what happens around the world. It is insanity, no matter what the courts say. I'm not mean, I do envy lovely hair tho...") Susan
Comment from misscookie
Nice artwork good for your story.
Wow this is so deep. She had very low a stem about her self yet she believe enough to pray to God. Did she kill herself?
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Nice artwork good for your story.
Wow this is so deep. She had very low a stem about her self yet she believe enough to pray to God. Did she kill herself?
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Hi Cookie! ") I wanted to leave that up to you! She could have killed herself OR the beautiful girl. ") OR both the girl and then herself? I have this problem with hair, but I would never hurt anyone over it, that's for sure! Lol...and I do get tired of housework. So...it's just for fun...our minds are fragile and must be cared for...thank you Cookie...you are one of the most faithful reviewers! HUG! Susan
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Hey If it's good I'll read it (smile )
Until next time.
cookie
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") Thank you again Cookie!! HUG!
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your very welcome.
till ext time Cookie
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good write with good flow, a nicely written piece and your subject has a spiritual meaning. I have enjoyed reading it A good write. Well done Susan. Mary
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reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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A good write with good flow, a nicely written piece and your subject has a spiritual meaning. I have enjoyed reading it A good write. Well done Susan. Mary
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Hi Mary! Thank you! I like the human condition, and how fragile we really are. SO interesting. Plus I am jealous of pretty hair. But sure wouldn't hurt someone over it! Geez. And I think there will someday be a real upheaval between the rich and the poor someday. I dont' know...thank you tho for a kind and welcome review! HUG! Susan