Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 50 "Sunkothai Moon, Part II"Murder Mystery
57 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bev. Another fine chapter in your book here. Your images and suiperb dialogue carry the story forward very nicely:
"The man sharing her booth was considered a dilettante by some in the Bureau. His meteoric rise up the ranks ruffled lesser egos, but came as no surprise to Jana. Dred's spectacular ability to grasp the flawed thinking of the criminally insane was a gift not without its price. In their time together, she'd seen how he struggled to keep from falling into the pit inhabited by those with dead eyes who butcher the innocent." (like this)
Suggestions: " filled the corners of her eyes and tumbled down her face" (I think tumbled is a bit strong here...perhaps "streamed" would be more apt.
Would a seven-year-old understand this adult interpretation? "Your mother's leaving this world too soon - that is the trickster spirit, Heyokha, at work. Our people both respect and fear this spirit. It functions as mirror and teacher, using extremes to force us to look at ourselves. To see our weaknesses, our fault, our fears." (perhaps reword)
I felt that his action happened rather abruptly and was more telling than showing, but that may just be me, Bev:
"Yes," he said without meeting her eyes. Dani turned away, and he resumed studying the people sitting at the bar. A long-legged blonde, with perfect make-up, winked an invitation. (Wow! Would that happen that easily with the woman knowing he had been with another woman until moments before? (Is it really plausible? It could be if it was in more detail, I think)
Merry Christmas Bev. Great writing overall as usual. Bob
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2013
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Hi, Bev. Another fine chapter in your book here. Your images and suiperb dialogue carry the story forward very nicely:
"The man sharing her booth was considered a dilettante by some in the Bureau. His meteoric rise up the ranks ruffled lesser egos, but came as no surprise to Jana. Dred's spectacular ability to grasp the flawed thinking of the criminally insane was a gift not without its price. In their time together, she'd seen how he struggled to keep from falling into the pit inhabited by those with dead eyes who butcher the innocent." (like this)
Suggestions: " filled the corners of her eyes and tumbled down her face" (I think tumbled is a bit strong here...perhaps "streamed" would be more apt.
Would a seven-year-old understand this adult interpretation? "Your mother's leaving this world too soon - that is the trickster spirit, Heyokha, at work. Our people both respect and fear this spirit. It functions as mirror and teacher, using extremes to force us to look at ourselves. To see our weaknesses, our fault, our fears." (perhaps reword)
I felt that his action happened rather abruptly and was more telling than showing, but that may just be me, Bev:
"Yes," he said without meeting her eyes. Dani turned away, and he resumed studying the people sitting at the bar. A long-legged blonde, with perfect make-up, winked an invitation. (Wow! Would that happen that easily with the woman knowing he had been with another woman until moments before? (Is it really plausible? It could be if it was in more detail, I think)
Merry Christmas Bev. Great writing overall as usual. Bob
Comment Written 12-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2013
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Hi, Bob. You raise some good points in your fine review, and I appreciate the time you took to read and review so thoroughly.
I lost my mother at seven, and those words would be very much like the kind of rhetoric I heard from the priest residing over her funeral. Only, Uncle Tony's makes much more sense. And the girl at the bar was, to my mind, a prositute. So, yes I think she would 'hop' on board pretty quickly.
Always good to hear from you, Bob! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Zue65
I have not really followed this story well, I have been out of touch for more than three months I guess, and I am a little bit confused with the sequence of events. the fault is mine of course not yours. You did a good job , the plot is smooth from the development of the character to twists being introduced for Jana's character to develop fully in the eyes of the readers. This is an excellent write, God bless.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2013
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I have not really followed this story well, I have been out of touch for more than three months I guess, and I am a little bit confused with the sequence of events. the fault is mine of course not yours. You did a good job , the plot is smooth from the development of the character to twists being introduced for Jana's character to develop fully in the eyes of the readers. This is an excellent write, God bless.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2013
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Thank you for taking time to read this chapter, Nassus. I enjoy hearing from you and getting your fine insights. Much appreciated! :0) Bev
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is an interesting chapter. I haven't been keeping up, but this post has grabbed my attention. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2013
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This is an interesting chapter. I haven't been keeping up, but this post has grabbed my attention. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2013
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Thank you, Tomes.
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My pleasure.
Comment from Connie C
I like, Bev, how you begin with Jana as a young girl with her Uncle Tony who tells her about Heyokha; this helps to establish even more her relationship with him.
I love the description of Jana flashing a smile at Donal and his grabbing the air as if catching it and then patting his heart (that's the romantic in me who likes this).
We are learning more about Dred and his drinking and womanizing ways, which builds another excellent character sketch.
Honestly, Bev, I think this would make a great movie or maybe even a mini-series on tv.
For some reason, I think of the Tony Hillerman mystery novels when I read your chapters, and that's a compliment! Keep 'em coming.
Hugs,
Connie
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2013
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I like, Bev, how you begin with Jana as a young girl with her Uncle Tony who tells her about Heyokha; this helps to establish even more her relationship with him.
I love the description of Jana flashing a smile at Donal and his grabbing the air as if catching it and then patting his heart (that's the romantic in me who likes this).
We are learning more about Dred and his drinking and womanizing ways, which builds another excellent character sketch.
Honestly, Bev, I think this would make a great movie or maybe even a mini-series on tv.
For some reason, I think of the Tony Hillerman mystery novels when I read your chapters, and that's a compliment! Keep 'em coming.
Hugs,
Connie
Comment Written 11-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2013
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You got one of my favorite parts, Connie! I, too, am a romantic. I so appreciate this fantastic review and the lovely six stars. Means a lot coming from a writer I love and admire.
Tony Hillerman's books were a favorite of mine. I, especially enjoyed Leaphorn. Have you seen the series on TV called Longmire? It's fantastic (between seasons right now). That's the kind of writing I admire. Love, Bev
Comment from joneau2
Well, this is a darn good story that I enjoyed reading. Very entertaining. The killings are of course terrible, and I can see why they want to capture the fiend who doing it. It's quite intriguing.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Well, this is a darn good story that I enjoyed reading. Very entertaining. The killings are of course terrible, and I can see why they want to capture the fiend who doing it. It's quite intriguing.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Thank you, J. I appreciate your support and encouragement. :0) Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Bev, I wish wish wish I could give you ten stars, let alone six, but I've already parted with them all.
The scene with Jana as a child, curled up with her uncle, is exquisitely written. The wisdom is profound, intimate, and touchingly portrayed.
The dialogue in the bar plays out perfectly - smooth as silk - utterly professional.
Your characters never waver - they stay true to themselves.
This started out spiritually and ended up back on the street, so to speak. Incredible change of mood, seamlessly executed.
Bravo. You rock. Sincerely. This is bloody great writing.
Love and hugs,
Av
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Bev, I wish wish wish I could give you ten stars, let alone six, but I've already parted with them all.
The scene with Jana as a child, curled up with her uncle, is exquisitely written. The wisdom is profound, intimate, and touchingly portrayed.
The dialogue in the bar plays out perfectly - smooth as silk - utterly professional.
Your characters never waver - they stay true to themselves.
This started out spiritually and ended up back on the street, so to speak. Incredible change of mood, seamlessly executed.
Bravo. You rock. Sincerely. This is bloody great writing.
Love and hugs,
Av
Comment Written 11-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Dear, Av. Thank you so much for this wonderful review! I'm really moved by your words of encouragement. You've supported me so much in the writing of this novel, and always given with love and respect. Who could ask for more? Your wish for a ten is humbling. Love and hugs to you, my dear friend. XX Bev
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It's a great novel! I expect a signed copy once it's published. :D
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You've got it, Av. XXXOOO
Comment from rama devi
Second review
:-))
First review (FOUR stars)
Loved hearing the name Heyokha, as that is the name of a half-wolf dog a friend of mine had two decades ago--a dog I loved so much that I can picture his face even now. His sister's name was Nakeema.
This is a very good chapter but needs a clean up of POV and SPag issues.
I enjoyed it, nonetheless!
You excel in story and character development.
NOTES
*
As I am only jumping in to read chapters in between, I am unsure of Tony's diction but felt to suggest contractions in these sections of dialog, so it sounds close to speech patterns. If this non-contraction style fits Tony, feel free to ignore this:
At length, Tony continued, "I know that you are(you're) young, little one. But the loss of your nihun has changed the way you see this world." He lightly touched her chest with his finger. "It has(It's) changed you here."
"Your mother's leaving this world too soon - that is(that's) the trickster spirit, Heyokha, at work.
*
Uncle Tony turned her face upwards,(NO COMMA) and looked into warm brown eyes so like her mother's. "Do not run from this fear, child," he urged. "Face it, and you will(you'll) grow strong and straight."
*
The memory of her Uncle's words blazed hot and bright(,) like a falling star, leaving in its wake the sensation of something once beautiful extinguished.
SUDDEN POV SHIFT(S) here...head hopping should be avoided. Also, telling rather than showing is not optimal. Here you do both...so the 'telling' is superfluous.
Being referred to as a common cop angered the profiler. Round, red spots appeared high on Dred's cheeks and his lips compressed into a gash. Their waitress, Dani, looked askance at the couple. She'd never seen Jana angry, but guessed the jerk had it coming to him.
Suggest:
Round, red spots appeared high on Dred's cheeks and his lips compressed into a gash. Their waitress, Dani, looked askance at the couple, wearing an expression as if thinking: 'the jerk had it coming to him'.
*POV issue. SHow it from Jana's perspective:
Miffed at being ignored, Dred grumbled, "What's a Woodchuck?"
Appearing miffed at being ignored, Dred grumbled, "What's a Woodchuck?"
*
"I'll get your drinks and give you two time to study the menu.(") She turned to Jana. "The lamb shanks are especially good tonight."
*Dred's spectacular ability to grasp the flawed thinking of the criminally insane was a gift,(no COMMA) not without its price.
* "I'm curious why your team hasn't conducted an official interrogation of Father DeShano?(") He raised his eyebrows in an imperious gesture.
*
"He was a protege of the pedophile priest(,) which could go to establishing motive," he continued. "He has easy access to the elderly. And he has a history of mental instability. Am I missing anything, Jana?" (LINE BREAK HERE) It sounded more like an accusation than a question, but she let it slide. After all, she, too, had her doubts about the priest. (NO LINE BREAK HERE---move her dialog to this part)
* The priest has solid alibies (SP: ALIBIS),
***Good descriptive here, but it could be even better if you find an apt simile to describe the heaviness in her chest (just a thought!)
*
Jana leaned forward,(comma optional) feeling the tension in her muscles begin to release. Her eyes were bright, and she felt something heavy let loose in her chest.
*
"Everything I'm about to tell you is off the record." She was offering Dred an olive branch and he knew it.
PV--she cannot know what he knew...but you can remedy this by saying; and he looked like he knew it. (Or add a descriptive: and his raised eyebrow let her know that he knew it)
POV ISSUE:
Dred chewed his steak without comment. He knew Jana was getting to the core of what this meeting was all about. Experience taught him she'd clam up if prodded.
AND HERE:
Noting the empty martini glass, he signaled for Dani. Pointing to the empty glass, he said, "I'll take the bill and another one of those."
I suggest that from the above to the end of the chapter you use a symbol to show the shift in POV (***) and end the chapter in Dred's POV.
Omniscient POV allows for multiple POV but it is important not to 'head hop' swiftly from one to the other. Clear sections focusing on one POV at a time would alleviate this issue.
With those issues plus spag, I would normally give three stars but the chapter is otherwise excellent with fine pacing, superb descriptive detail, excellent character development and interesting plot development...I got drawn right in, and it held my attention, even thoguh not knowing all the back story I missed.
Bravo
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Second review
:-))
First review (FOUR stars)
Loved hearing the name Heyokha, as that is the name of a half-wolf dog a friend of mine had two decades ago--a dog I loved so much that I can picture his face even now. His sister's name was Nakeema.
This is a very good chapter but needs a clean up of POV and SPag issues.
I enjoyed it, nonetheless!
You excel in story and character development.
NOTES
*
As I am only jumping in to read chapters in between, I am unsure of Tony's diction but felt to suggest contractions in these sections of dialog, so it sounds close to speech patterns. If this non-contraction style fits Tony, feel free to ignore this:
At length, Tony continued, "I know that you are(you're) young, little one. But the loss of your nihun has changed the way you see this world." He lightly touched her chest with his finger. "It has(It's) changed you here."
"Your mother's leaving this world too soon - that is(that's) the trickster spirit, Heyokha, at work.
*
Uncle Tony turned her face upwards,(NO COMMA) and looked into warm brown eyes so like her mother's. "Do not run from this fear, child," he urged. "Face it, and you will(you'll) grow strong and straight."
*
The memory of her Uncle's words blazed hot and bright(,) like a falling star, leaving in its wake the sensation of something once beautiful extinguished.
SUDDEN POV SHIFT(S) here...head hopping should be avoided. Also, telling rather than showing is not optimal. Here you do both...so the 'telling' is superfluous.
Being referred to as a common cop angered the profiler. Round, red spots appeared high on Dred's cheeks and his lips compressed into a gash. Their waitress, Dani, looked askance at the couple. She'd never seen Jana angry, but guessed the jerk had it coming to him.
Suggest:
Round, red spots appeared high on Dred's cheeks and his lips compressed into a gash. Their waitress, Dani, looked askance at the couple, wearing an expression as if thinking: 'the jerk had it coming to him'.
*POV issue. SHow it from Jana's perspective:
Miffed at being ignored, Dred grumbled, "What's a Woodchuck?"
Appearing miffed at being ignored, Dred grumbled, "What's a Woodchuck?"
*
"I'll get your drinks and give you two time to study the menu.(") She turned to Jana. "The lamb shanks are especially good tonight."
*Dred's spectacular ability to grasp the flawed thinking of the criminally insane was a gift,(no COMMA) not without its price.
* "I'm curious why your team hasn't conducted an official interrogation of Father DeShano?(") He raised his eyebrows in an imperious gesture.
*
"He was a protege of the pedophile priest(,) which could go to establishing motive," he continued. "He has easy access to the elderly. And he has a history of mental instability. Am I missing anything, Jana?" (LINE BREAK HERE) It sounded more like an accusation than a question, but she let it slide. After all, she, too, had her doubts about the priest. (NO LINE BREAK HERE---move her dialog to this part)
* The priest has solid alibies (SP: ALIBIS),
***Good descriptive here, but it could be even better if you find an apt simile to describe the heaviness in her chest (just a thought!)
*
Jana leaned forward,(comma optional) feeling the tension in her muscles begin to release. Her eyes were bright, and she felt something heavy let loose in her chest.
*
"Everything I'm about to tell you is off the record." She was offering Dred an olive branch and he knew it.
PV--she cannot know what he knew...but you can remedy this by saying; and he looked like he knew it. (Or add a descriptive: and his raised eyebrow let her know that he knew it)
POV ISSUE:
Dred chewed his steak without comment. He knew Jana was getting to the core of what this meeting was all about. Experience taught him she'd clam up if prodded.
AND HERE:
Noting the empty martini glass, he signaled for Dani. Pointing to the empty glass, he said, "I'll take the bill and another one of those."
I suggest that from the above to the end of the chapter you use a symbol to show the shift in POV (***) and end the chapter in Dred's POV.
Omniscient POV allows for multiple POV but it is important not to 'head hop' swiftly from one to the other. Clear sections focusing on one POV at a time would alleviate this issue.
With those issues plus spag, I would normally give three stars but the chapter is otherwise excellent with fine pacing, superb descriptive detail, excellent character development and interesting plot development...I got drawn right in, and it held my attention, even thoguh not knowing all the back story I missed.
Bravo
Love,
rd
Comment Written 11-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Thanks for the superb review, RD. I have opted to keep the formal language of the opening section because I think that is how the People would speak. However, the rest of your suggestions are very much appreciated and already incorporated. The piece is much tighter as a result. The POV situation is a chronic issue with me, so I pay attention when someone points it out to me. Thanks, again. Warm regards, Bev
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Thanks for your wonderful comments, dear Bev--and I will be back for a second review. I had a feeling the formal language might have been intentional, but one never knows or sure, so I mentioned it! I think it does work fine there. Warm Regards, rd
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Oops...not able to review as it is back to blocking standards. Let me know if you wish me to upgrade. NO problem if you want to keep it blocked now. Glad I could help. Love, rd
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Wow, you're fast. I wasn't expecting an upgrade so I went back to the block. I'd appreciate the upgrade if you don't mind, RD. :0) Bev
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I did it just now! ;)
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I just submitted you for review nomination because of the excellent technical support you gave me, RD. Thank you! Bev
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I did just do one and the site would not let me save it because it said I had reached the maximum number of reviews permitted for standard members in one day.
I find it odd that they would limit reviews like that. It did give me a option to ask for a special "reviewer status', and I can't imagine TOm woudl decline to give it to me...so am waiting for that. Until tomorrow, I cannot upgrade--and I do not know when that is,but probably midnight East Coast Time. If I am still on line then, I'll try at midnight--so maybe keep it open until then. Or, if you prefer, just let e know tomorrow when you unblock. Thanks! Love, rd
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It's not showing, but thanks for the thought! :0) Bev
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Thanks--that's sweet of you, dear. Tom did tell me standard members are eligible for that- which is nice. Love, rd
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Tomorrow!
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good drawing introduction. The tone is set from the start. The character balance is good. The dialogue between the characters is smooth and clear. The transition between the events is smooth. The pace is nice and steady leading to a conclusion possibly filled with fun.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Good drawing introduction. The tone is set from the start. The character balance is good. The dialogue between the characters is smooth and clear. The transition between the events is smooth. The pace is nice and steady leading to a conclusion possibly filled with fun.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Hi, RR. Thank you for taking time to read and for your generous review. I appreciate it! :0) Bev
Comment from buzclick
I am not a great fan of detective stories, but this is quite good.
I found no place of glaring typos or grammar errors. Technically it is correct and complete. I liked the characters although Dred was slightly more believable than Jana. She seemed a little like a loose cannon, too uptight, over sensitive. Protecting her space seemed to be up most on her mind.
Dred on the other-hand was easily seen as a recovering alcoholic, who is still weak or human enough to fall off the wagon.
I will probably read more of this work to see what you plan.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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I am not a great fan of detective stories, but this is quite good.
I found no place of glaring typos or grammar errors. Technically it is correct and complete. I liked the characters although Dred was slightly more believable than Jana. She seemed a little like a loose cannon, too uptight, over sensitive. Protecting her space seemed to be up most on her mind.
Dred on the other-hand was easily seen as a recovering alcoholic, who is still weak or human enough to fall off the wagon.
I will probably read more of this work to see what you plan.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Hi, BC. I'm glad that you were able to connect with the character of Dred. Jana is a prickly sort as I've established in past chapters. In part, this is due to having to maintain her integrity as the only Native American woman deputy. Thanks for stopping by.
:0) Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension,
Dred seems to be one of those extremely intelligent people who is also very arrogant and sometimes quite stupid.
This chapter is a good build on to your story, with a nice hook in the end with Grandma holding out some information there.
Patrick
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Hi Writingfundimension,
Dred seems to be one of those extremely intelligent people who is also very arrogant and sometimes quite stupid.
This chapter is a good build on to your story, with a nice hook in the end with Grandma holding out some information there.
Patrick
Comment Written 11-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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You've got Dred's number, Patrick! Thanks for the great review, my friend. Always nice to hear good things from a writer I admire. Warmest regards, Bev
