Where the Sun Falls
A free verse33 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
I don't think you needed the warning. I was thinking it was a love affair between the sun and sea with lines like "Then I melt
like liquid gold for him,
to spread across
the sea,"
Lovely imagery and sweet last farewell between lovers - maybe college sweethearts each heading to their respective schools.
Best wishes in the contest!
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reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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I don't think you needed the warning. I was thinking it was a love affair between the sun and sea with lines like "Then I melt
like liquid gold for him,
to spread across
the sea,"
Lovely imagery and sweet last farewell between lovers - maybe college sweethearts each heading to their respective schools.
Best wishes in the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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Thank you so much, Helen! Xoxo
Comment from SimianSavant
Wow. This is some powerful playing of the waves between the literal and the abstract. Having missed the content flag, I initially read it as the latter, perhaps as an iridescent petroleum spill being eaten up by bacteria or The Great Gulper (a 1979 children's book), til I picked up on the double entendres about Santa Claus [arriving] to town.
Just a small editing thing - - I'd consider putting a semicolon instead of a comma here: => catch my stare, they reel me in <=
and the reverse here, since the two clauses are dependent. It makes it seem like something should come afterwards, when, um, that literally already happened:
=> But I turn my back
on the horizon's view; <=
and this is a question rather than a suggestion: => summer suns
dip low <= did you mean it to say this? This is more interesting than the quotidian spelling and there is in fact a planet somewhere that shares two suns that was recently discovered, but likely does not inhabit life. Well, it's poetry so it might best be left unanswered, like a musician should never reveal secrets about what inspired a song when it's not immediately obvious.
And last: I like the sound of this: => falling,
following the waves <= and found it unexpected, vs. "falling with the waves", which is how I'd write it if this was in fact about an oil spill.
🦍
 |
Wow. This is some powerful playing of the waves between the literal and the abstract. Having missed the content flag, I initially read it as the latter, perhaps as an iridescent petroleum spill being eaten up by bacteria or The Great Gulper (a 1979 children's book), til I picked up on the double entendres about Santa Claus [arriving] to town.
Just a small editing thing - - I'd consider putting a semicolon instead of a comma here: => catch my stare, they reel me in <=
and the reverse here, since the two clauses are dependent. It makes it seem like something should come afterwards, when, um, that literally already happened:
=> But I turn my back
on the horizon's view; <=
and this is a question rather than a suggestion: => summer suns
dip low <= did you mean it to say this? This is more interesting than the quotidian spelling and there is in fact a planet somewhere that shares two suns that was recently discovered, but likely does not inhabit life. Well, it's poetry so it might best be left unanswered, like a musician should never reveal secrets about what inspired a song when it's not immediately obvious.
And last: I like the sound of this: => falling,
following the waves <= and found it unexpected, vs. "falling with the waves", which is how I'd write it if this was in fact about an oil spill.
🦍
Comment Written 16-Sep-2024
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Love and sunsets seem to go hand in hand as early evening romance takes place and your gentle subtle words soothe and encourage close connections here, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
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reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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Love and sunsets seem to go hand in hand as early evening romance takes place and your gentle subtle words soothe and encourage close connections here, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
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Thank you, Dolly, much appreciated!! Xoxo
