Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Those Sad Brown Eyes"A book of a mixture of stories
60 total reviews
Comment from Nanny 6
This is a great entry. You describe the small town mentality very well. My favorite part was when the girl mouthed "thank you." Good luck in the contest. Judy
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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This is a great entry. You describe the small town mentality very well. My favorite part was when the girl mouthed "thank you." Good luck in the contest. Judy
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Judy...
Thanks for the kind review. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read my story. Thanks again Carol
Comment from ladybird
A very original story. One that held me from start to finish. You have portrayed Jake's feelings very well. A nice read, well done and good luck in the contest.
He listened intently as I (describe) in detail the last five weeks described
Harper, a (run away). runaway
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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A very original story. One that held me from start to finish. You have portrayed Jake's feelings very well. A nice read, well done and good luck in the contest.
He listened intently as I (describe) in detail the last five weeks described
Harper, a (run away). runaway
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Ladybird..
Thank you for reading and your kind comments. I will check that error asap. Thanks again - Carol
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You're welcome.
Comment from Suzie B
Oh heck, this is so deserving of a six and I dont have one left.
Such a wonderful story and how great is your understanding of teenage angst.
The dialogue is totally believable and the descriptive sequences are just terrific.
All in all a delightful read and a great entry in the contest. well done indeed.
Suzie
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Oh heck, this is so deserving of a six and I dont have one left.
Such a wonderful story and how great is your understanding of teenage angst.
The dialogue is totally believable and the descriptive sequences are just terrific.
All in all a delightful read and a great entry in the contest. well done indeed.
Suzie
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Suzie...
Thank you for your most generous words. I don't think I'll ever fully understand teenagers (and maybe that's fortunate) but having five children, 7 grandchildren, and one great grand child gives me a touch of insight into them, I think. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks again. Carol
Comment from mmichelle97219
There are a few obvious nits which I have listed below. The only other trouble spot I can name is your use of passive voice. Most of your sentences are fine, but with the three or four passive sentences it seems a bit weak. Choose stronger verbs and avoid traps like "have been swimming" or "was going to" for examples. it makes the writing pop more, and the sentences bolder, stronger.
As for the tale itself I thought it was very clever. Good luck in the voting booth.
Michelle
Inside was a hundred dollars and a grocery list.= should be were instead of was
I'd worked myself into such a frenzy that my words were coming out choppy and most likely incoherent.= delete the "a" before frenzy. It is not needs and makes the sentence smoother
She'd been buying her groceries and was eager to share the details while ice cream was melting all over our table.= this one reads a little strage and upsets the toen and flow. I would break it up into two sentences. that would help.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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There are a few obvious nits which I have listed below. The only other trouble spot I can name is your use of passive voice. Most of your sentences are fine, but with the three or four passive sentences it seems a bit weak. Choose stronger verbs and avoid traps like "have been swimming" or "was going to" for examples. it makes the writing pop more, and the sentences bolder, stronger.
As for the tale itself I thought it was very clever. Good luck in the voting booth.
Michelle
Inside was a hundred dollars and a grocery list.= should be were instead of was
I'd worked myself into such a frenzy that my words were coming out choppy and most likely incoherent.= delete the "a" before frenzy. It is not needs and makes the sentence smoother
She'd been buying her groceries and was eager to share the details while ice cream was melting all over our table.= this one reads a little strage and upsets the toen and flow. I would break it up into two sentences. that would help.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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mmichelle,
Thanks for reading and for your suggestions. I will check them out asap. T am glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks again - Carol
Comment from second thought
The story has important points. she looked out the window more then once. She mouthed the words help. He ran back to his car. Little outside of head language was mention so the understanding of her is narrow to the point where she ran away and were seen coming out of the house. Would have been nice if she could have spoken to him at some point. The small town and little events add interest. The strong character in this story is the young man.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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The story has important points. she looked out the window more then once. She mouthed the words help. He ran back to his car. Little outside of head language was mention so the understanding of her is narrow to the point where she ran away and were seen coming out of the house. Would have been nice if she could have spoken to him at some point. The small town and little events add interest. The strong character in this story is the young man.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Second thought, Thanks for reading. My thought on her not speaking was that she was being watched at all times so she was simply trying to convey her fears with her eyes. Thanks for your suggestions. Have a nice day. Carol
Comment from Mastery
Very good writing from top to bottom, BA. Good intrigue all the way through and it's always fun to have your premonitions come true, isn't it. Good job, and good luck in the contest. Bob (Mastery)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Very good writing from top to bottom, BA. Good intrigue all the way through and it's always fun to have your premonitions come true, isn't it. Good job, and good luck in the contest. Bob (Mastery)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Bob...Thank you for reading my story and for the kind comments. I truly appreciate it. Thanks again Carol
Comment from fayesh
I enjoyed your story and felt that you did a good job building the suspense element. The characters and setting were well suited to the plot. Very nice.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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I enjoyed your story and felt that you did a good job building the suspense element. The characters and setting were well suited to the plot. Very nice.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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fayesh
Thank you for reading and for enjoying my story. Your kind comments were greatly appreciated. Thanks again Carol
Comment from jdoyle421
Good story. You brought me into the story fairly quickly. At first I thought the boys were a couple of old men. Then I realized they were teenage boys working for the grocer. I enjoyed the "ribbing" Stan gave to Jake. It was a good story. Thank you.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Good story. You brought me into the story fairly quickly. At first I thought the boys were a couple of old men. Then I realized they were teenage boys working for the grocer. I enjoyed the "ribbing" Stan gave to Jake. It was a good story. Thank you.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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jdoyle
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I am glad that you enjoyed it. I appreciate your kind comments. Carol
Comment from Belinda
This is a suspenseful piece, very matching to the picture provided for this contest. I like the way the grocery boy believes in his hunch and act accordingly and insists until people take him seriously. This is a good entry for the contest, and I wish you luck...
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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This is a suspenseful piece, very matching to the picture provided for this contest. I like the way the grocery boy believes in his hunch and act accordingly and insists until people take him seriously. This is a good entry for the contest, and I wish you luck...
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Belinda...I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Thank you for your kind and appreciated comments. Carol
Comment from bc1yax
Ah I just loved it - just excellent short story - the boy is a hero, most would just walked away and thought nothing of it - very smooth story and no bumps to slow it down -
bc1yax
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Ah I just loved it - just excellent short story - the boy is a hero, most would just walked away and thought nothing of it - very smooth story and no bumps to slow it down -
bc1yax
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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bc1yax... Thank you for understanding Jake. To me, he definitely was a hero. I appreciate lyour kind review. Thanks again. Carol