Free Verse Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "The Dancers"A collection of free verse poems
92 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
And you couldn't see their feet
As they wove a birdlike flutter
In the utter joyful stutter << Love the last lines here
A taste of the hereafter
The gods have surely given
To those who dance together
In the dust << The addition of DUST makes this poem. Had it been ON THE STREET... not nearly as satisfying!
LOve it. ENjoyable fun-to-read poem.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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And you couldn't see their feet
As they wove a birdlike flutter
In the utter joyful stutter << Love the last lines here
A taste of the hereafter
The gods have surely given
To those who dance together
In the dust << The addition of DUST makes this poem. Had it been ON THE STREET... not nearly as satisfying!
LOve it. ENjoyable fun-to-read poem.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one Phyllis and thank you so much for your lovely review.
Comment from Lovewritingstuff
I loved reading this poem, really graphic in terms of image and feelings conveyed to the reader. I felt joy and peace by picturing these girls and listening their laughter.
Great poem, enjoyable to read and flows well.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I loved reading this poem, really graphic in terms of image and feelings conveyed to the reader. I felt joy and peace by picturing these girls and listening their laughter.
Great poem, enjoyable to read and flows well.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Lovewritingstuff, and thank you so much for your lovely review.
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Welcome
A.
Comment from playinaround
There is something about this poem that really captivates me. I loved the visuals, the sound of the music and the three little girls dancing in the dust, praising the almighty one. I really loved it!
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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There is something about this poem that really captivates me. I loved the visuals, the sound of the music and the three little girls dancing in the dust, praising the almighty one. I really loved it!
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one playinaround, and thank you so much for your six stars and lovely review.
Comment from Tina McKala
I enjoyed the ambiance of this piece, full of joy and spontaneity. I liked the form as well, very effective, altogether with the repetition of some of the last lines of the stanzas.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I enjoyed the ambiance of this piece, full of joy and spontaneity. I liked the form as well, very effective, altogether with the repetition of some of the last lines of the stanzas.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Tina, and thank you so much for your lovely review.
Comment from Katzintx
I enjoyed your word choices and the descriptive images that they evoked. My only constructive advice (based on your request solely) have you considered trying something with the last lines like have patterned like the steps of a dance.
i.e first and six stanza end in as one. two and five in the dust, three and four of their dance.
slow, fast, faster, fast, slow..
it would add an additional sense of pattern without changing your flow and provide a subtle inferred balance.
Just a suggestion. Love your daughters picture
Katz
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I enjoyed your word choices and the descriptive images that they evoked. My only constructive advice (based on your request solely) have you considered trying something with the last lines like have patterned like the steps of a dance.
i.e first and six stanza end in as one. two and five in the dust, three and four of their dance.
slow, fast, faster, fast, slow..
it would add an additional sense of pattern without changing your flow and provide a subtle inferred balance.
Just a suggestion. Love your daughters picture
Katz
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Katz, and thank you so much for your lovely review and for your suggestion. That's a very good suggestion of yours and I'll have another look and see if I can incorporate it. My only slight reservation is that the dance is in fact over by the end of the second to last stanza and the last stanza is really just intended as a philosophical comment about children who find happiness despite their poverty and hardship i.e. they can still dance in the dust.
Comment from kiwisteveh
It's a pretty picture you have painted, Tony, and yes, the musicality of the piece is clear as it builds to a climax and then collapses much as the girls 'gracefully subside'.
Even those who have very little and few reasons to be happy can find joy in simple things.
Steve
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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It's a pretty picture you have painted, Tony, and yes, the musicality of the piece is clear as it builds to a climax and then collapses much as the girls 'gracefully subside'.
Even those who have very little and few reasons to be happy can find joy in simple things.
Steve
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Steve, and thank you so much for your review and comments.
Comment from Liandra
Wonderful words written with love, of three young girls enjoying dancing in the dust.
Writing without punctuation, I feel, speeds up the excitement of the girls as their feet moved in rythum with their joy. To have added it, would have slowed the pace down.
I flowed with the pace - thank you so much for sharing,
Liandra
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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Wonderful words written with love, of three young girls enjoying dancing in the dust.
Writing without punctuation, I feel, speeds up the excitement of the girls as their feet moved in rythum with their joy. To have added it, would have slowed the pace down.
I flowed with the pace - thank you so much for sharing,
Liandra
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Liandra, and thank you so much for your lovely review and comments about the punctuation.
Comment from sunnilicious
That is a beautiful poem. Great visual imagery. Creative and expressive with good movement words. Nice spiritual addition especially in the last verse too. Nicely done. Great!
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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That is a beautiful poem. Great visual imagery. Creative and expressive with good movement words. Nice spiritual addition especially in the last verse too. Nicely done. Great!
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Sunnilicious, and thank you so much for your lovely review and comments.
Comment from michaelcahill
I think you are trying to simulate dancing here. If that is the case, you have done that. The poem seems to start and stop and prance and bow. It seems full of motion and counterpoint to the basic rhythm. But the rhythm is never lost. I'm a musician, so the beat is clearly maintained and I could feel it all the way through. I was trying to figure out if this was a particular form actually before I read your notes. I know that certain forms have lines repeated that drop in here and there that give a piece a certain swaying feel to them. This does that but more so. Loved this. Great photo and all of the other things I love about these pieces too. mikey
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I think you are trying to simulate dancing here. If that is the case, you have done that. The poem seems to start and stop and prance and bow. It seems full of motion and counterpoint to the basic rhythm. But the rhythm is never lost. I'm a musician, so the beat is clearly maintained and I could feel it all the way through. I was trying to figure out if this was a particular form actually before I read your notes. I know that certain forms have lines repeated that drop in here and there that give a piece a certain swaying feel to them. This does that but more so. Loved this. Great photo and all of the other things I love about these pieces too. mikey
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I particularly appreciate you taking the time to review this one in depth, Mikey, as I am not very musical myself (strange, since my son is a professional musician!). I have some difficulty in hearing or holding a rhythm and was anxious that I might have gone astray with the musicality of this. Delighted, therefore, to have such a positive and affirming comment from you. Also delighted to see that you have done me the honour of becoming a fan. I always enjoy both your poetry and your comments on mine.
Comment from Glasstruth
I can feel the rhythm from calmness to a lively dance. The internal rhyming helps create that. There's one line in this that doesn't do much, and it's the third verse that begins with "Their toes started tapping" You've already said that and repeating here doesn't do much. From the fourth verse on it really moves. Thanks for sharing. Les
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I can feel the rhythm from calmness to a lively dance. The internal rhyming helps create that. There's one line in this that doesn't do much, and it's the third verse that begins with "Their toes started tapping" You've already said that and repeating here doesn't do much. From the fourth verse on it really moves. Thanks for sharing. Les
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Les, and thank you so much for your review and comments. There are several places where I have repeated certain lines or phrases and wasn't sure how well that would work for people. I'll have another look at that particular repetition and see if I can find a way of tightening the poem at that point. Thanks!
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You welcome :)
