Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

I sincerely hope Juliette never hears the Devil whisper to her, no telling what she might do. What an evil little miss, who won't be missed by anyone in my estimation. You are an enigma Dean. :<) LOL Nancy

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

Hah-ha, so I've been told more than once, Nancy. But thanks for reminding me, and for your kind review. ~Dean :)

Comment from A TARNISHED KNIGHT

Excellent

Oh hehehehehe back at cha my purveyor of evil deeds. This was a bloody mess if I must say so myself..That being said it did what it was supposed to do Send a bit of a shiver down my spine..Wait That shiver may have come from the earthquake that just happened here on the Big Island..Both can put skid marks in your undies hehehehehe
tk

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

No doubt. I'll give me nod to the quake any day, TK. Thanks very mcuh for your review. ~Dean :)

Comment from jpduck

Good

No shudder, I'm afraid, just a bad taste. It struck me that this had the feeling of something tossed off an a spare ten minutes, and definitely not up to your normal high writing standards.

One typo (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):

'The voices whi*sp*ered to me when I shut my eyes.'

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

Well, that's just one reviewer's opinion, and I appreciate it. I will tell you you're wrong about the time it took to write, but what would be the point? I changed form third person POV to first mid=stride, to try and draw the reader more into the story, based upon another review. I guess you just can't please everyone.
Thanks...~Dean ;}

Comment from ravenblack

Excellent

If those voices in her twisted mind were God speaking, if she ever hears the devil, it must mean that she has a tactical nuke stashed away in a cupboard. Another bloody good pearl to add to your book.

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

Thanks, Ed. I hope for Juliette's sake -- and those around her -- she never does.
Much obliged for the review. :)
~Dean

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

Another good chapter into the 'Tiny Tales' book. A few more entries from other writers too I see.

The whispers... buggers, aren't they? Mind you, I get jealous when they talk to other people!

Nice one
G

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

Me too!
Thanks, G-Man. Much appreciated...~Dean :)

Comment from Margaret Snowdon

Excellent

thank you for sharing your ghastly
tale, Dean - as always, so gruesome
and creepy.

a couple of minor things to look at, my friend:

The voices whipsered - whispered

neatly in [an](a) small drawstring bag - a small


Margaret - your fan!!

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

Thanks, Margaret. I made some edits, and I appreciate your kind comments. :)
~Dean

Comment from Tomes Johnston

Excellent

This is yet another grisly tale that the author has created with this post. I love it yet again. This makes me wonder just how many people there are like this around in the world. Keep up the good work.

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

Thanks very much, Thomes. I'll try to do much better next time. :)
~Dean

reply by Tomes Johnston on 10-May-2015

You are doing fine.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

I don't think it was particularly scary but certainly quite gruesome, Dean, it's very short, but I'm not sure why I even read it, Dean but it is a little strange, short ones like this, sorry mate, but I don't know what to say, blessings, Roy.

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

You said more than enough, Roy. Thanks for taking a look at it just the same. ~Dean :}

reply by royowen on 09-May-2015

Please forgive me Dean,

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Well written as usual and I followed the story line fine. I just don't know whether I am missing the point or even the joke. What I mean is that she's been found and sentenced for the murder of her family already, but their body parts were never found? What about the poor warden. Sorry, Dean if I am dense. I like your writing though. Lol Ulla

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

She's been sneaking at night, then dug up her parents corpses (recall the part about rot and decay?), took their teeth and ring fingers back to the hospital as souvenirs, Ulla. She could have left the hospital at anytime she liked, she simply chose to linger around for awhile. Perhaps it was the affection the male orderly showed her at night, but who can say for certain? Only Juliette knows for sure. Now, she's out, and the voices spur her on. Be careful if you answer your door late at night...

Thanks for reading. ~Dean

reply by Ulla on 09-May-2015

Ok, I got it and I am admitting that I am dense. I am loooking forward to read on. Ulla

reply by the author on 09-May-2015

Hah-ha, you're far from dense, Ulla, lol. Flash fiction leaves a lot open to interpretation is all. :)

Comment from --Turtle.

Excellent

Hi Dean,

I read through this short horror story. Here are some of the things I thought.

The grammar, writing structure is sound. The writing is active enough, descriptive enough. The premise has potential. But I think I'm kept at a distance the whole time. Like the whole story happens as a backstory, the information not binding together, and I never get pulled in. I'm told the story, or the story happens, but I know there are ways to put a reader in the moment.

I had a problem connecting with the information given. The end doesn't have the punch it needs, because the relevance of the whispers in the beginning has no bearing to the purpose of her collecting ring fingers at the end.

These are my honest musings, not so much 'cause I think you will or have to change anything, but someday maybe a better writer/ reader than I will be able to pinpoint the cusp of what I'm trying to point out. A long, long time ago, someone tried to explain it to me, and I was too close to my work to see it. I thought of his attempt as I read this. I thought, oh, this is what he means by keeping the reader at arm's length. This is what I sometimes did and do. How would I bring the reader closer? How would I tie the clips of information I show them to give them a sting in their meaning?

Why am I feeling at arm's length? Why am I waiting for the story to begin, when it just ended?

On the other side, I do think there are applications for the tale as is, too. I could see myself telling this story over a campfire to girlscouts, for it has nice shock points and the girl...

Maybe that's it. The information provided comes off as an outline of a big story instead of being stripped and sketched with emotion images for the length it wants to exist as.

 Comment Written 09-May-2015

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reply by the author on 09-May-2015

Thanks, Turtlestage, and it is constructive criticism and critique I need to hear to improve. If you simply gave me a "fluff" review, I would never know what I could do to improve it.

First person POV usually helps to draw the reader into short stories such as these. Perhaps I'll figure out a way to make the necessary adjustments, then let the chips fall where they may.

I very much appreciate your time, and your feed back. ~Dean

reply by --Turtle. on 09-May-2015

reply by --Turtle. on 09-May-2015

Uhg! I just lost my reply to you. How ... crud ... sigh. Okay, retyping, but forgive me, I'm giving you the cliff notes version of the reply that I totally lost. There were more details. :(

Okay. First, thanks for considering my feedback. Sometimes I worry that my suggestions might end up causing more harm than good, or, because I'm a bit tounge-flustered in explaining myself, my suggestions will be taken askew.

Second. I read your update. I liked your steps of using a first person POV to try drawing a reader closer, as it does force a writer to get closer to the situation at hand.

Third... I went into saying, I've seen third person effective in drawing the reader in too, and challenge that some information given still leaves me thinking that it's more tangent than driving the story to the end goal.

But I did account that the whispering connection at the beginning and the end was an improvement and there was a macabre humor that brought a dark smile for me.

Third. (Yeah, I was typing for quite a while, I'm so crushed that I lost the reply... whimper)
But third.... I focused on some examples of specific sentences and pointed out how I believe the weight of the words might be the main culprits in pushing a reader away.

Take the sentence:

But as their urgency increased, I knew I'd eventually give in.

AS, EVENTUALLY, KNEW ... why leave certain events to happen between the lines when you can make them happen as the reader reads.

But their urgency increased, and I gave in.

The reader is there when she gives in. Not when she realizes she might eventually give in. When it happens.

I also recall saying I like how the cops show up, and something about leaving all the horrible things she did between the lines a good thing,

but looking at the sentence:

When the cops arrived, I was blanketed in blood

This sentences distancing words... WHEN, WAS ... the verb... arrived. Why not let the reader be with the cops when the are there.

The cops found me blanketed in blood--surrounded ...

Now the reader is with the cops not just as they are arriving, but the cops are doing something more significant than arriving, they are finding her in a blood bath. Not just in a state of was already in the bloodbath, but found her blanketed in blood.

Then I lost my reply, and I was sad. I hope ... well, if you have any questions ...