The Halloween Visitor
A visit on Halloween50 total reviews
Comment from Gloria ....
Hi Ric. Great to see you writing a Halloween story. At first I was wondering why TJ Doodlewanger the first, showed up on this particular evening on the doorstep of JT Doodlewanger the fifth, but then I saw it was one of those strange cooincidences where a knock on the door synchronizes with a land line ring. Thanks for the tip. I shall be sure never to answer a knock on the door that arrives at the same time a phone rings, because when that happens some kind of spooky time portal opens.
Lots of great imagery describing the smell and appearance of your spook and the penetrating blue eyes is a nice touch to drive home the sense this guy is looking deep inside the soul.
But, not what the portal has been opened TJDfifth is in from the ride of his lifetime.
Very nicely written my friend. I'd wish you luck in the contest, but I see it is not in a contest. :-)
Super job, you.
Gloria
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Hi Ric. Great to see you writing a Halloween story. At first I was wondering why TJ Doodlewanger the first, showed up on this particular evening on the doorstep of JT Doodlewanger the fifth, but then I saw it was one of those strange cooincidences where a knock on the door synchronizes with a land line ring. Thanks for the tip. I shall be sure never to answer a knock on the door that arrives at the same time a phone rings, because when that happens some kind of spooky time portal opens.
Lots of great imagery describing the smell and appearance of your spook and the penetrating blue eyes is a nice touch to drive home the sense this guy is looking deep inside the soul.
But, not what the portal has been opened TJDfifth is in from the ride of his lifetime.
Very nicely written my friend. I'd wish you luck in the contest, but I see it is not in a contest. :-)
Super job, you.
Gloria
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Gloria, for finding time to read my sick little story. You always make my day with your kind words, comments, and super generous reviews. I thought maybe after two entries and two wins in a week that, I might be pushing my luck too far trying for a third. Besides, who cares about contests when I get to hang out with wonderful people like you!
Happy Halloween! :-)
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ric
_ I apologize for my being behind on reviewing.
_ Just needed to take some down time.
_ You should have added this to Dean' s multi-book.
_ Good story. Well written.
_ Happy Scary Night to you. Boo!
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Hi, Ric
_ I apologize for my being behind on reviewing.
_ Just needed to take some down time.
_ You should have added this to Dean' s multi-book.
_ Good story. Well written.
_ Happy Scary Night to you. Boo!
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Thanks so much, Jax, for finding time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, I didn't think about Dean's book until right after I posted it. I wish I had thought about it sooner. Happy Halloween ! :-)
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A very spooky story, my friend. What a great story for this Halloween night. It's wet and cold outside, and this story makes a good addition to the night. Take care, and have a good night,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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A very spooky story, my friend. What a great story for this Halloween night. It's wet and cold outside, and this story makes a good addition to the night. Take care, and have a good night,
Rhonda
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Davisr, for finding time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Happy Halloween! :-)
Comment from CD Richards
Hi Ric....
I'm tempted to say that must have been a relatively terrifying experience - but I won't, or I may find myself going the same way as your poor great-great grandfather.
Loved the descriptive style, I could almost taste the rankness as you were describing it.
A great and very appropriate Halloween tale. Well done.
Craig.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Hi Ric....
I'm tempted to say that must have been a relatively terrifying experience - but I won't, or I may find myself going the same way as your poor great-great grandfather.
Loved the descriptive style, I could almost taste the rankness as you were describing it.
A great and very appropriate Halloween tale. Well done.
Craig.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Craig, for finding time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated.
Happy Halloween! :-)
Comment from frogbook
Very good. I don't know if I liked or hated the descriptions... Haha. Loved the ending. I, for one am glad you felt the need to participate for Halloween.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Very good. I don't know if I liked or hated the descriptions... Haha. Loved the ending. I, for one am glad you felt the need to participate for Halloween.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Yes, I agree, the descriptions were sick. Kinda like the stench that stuck on my teeth from the smell as I wrote. LOL. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Thank you so much, Frogbook, for finding time to read my story. Your kind words, comments, and generous review are greatly appreciated. Happy Halloween! :-)
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Ohmigod! Creepy enough? So the zombie was the writer. But... how could he be that old? If the murder took place 119 years ago, why is Theodore still alive reading about it? Now I'm confused. Help!
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Ohmigod! Creepy enough? So the zombie was the writer. But... how could he be that old? If the murder took place 119 years ago, why is Theodore still alive reading about it? Now I'm confused. Help!
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Phyllis, my dear, for finding time to read my sick story. Your kind words, comments, and generous review are greatly appreciated. The Last Theodore was the V, so even I wander if they will all keep coming back? Happy Halloween! :-)
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Ohhhh... now I see! It's very easy to miss that little V after his long name, so perhaps you should spell out THE FIFTH... would avoid confusion. :)
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You are probably right. But aren't you always? :-)
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Don. This is definitely a fun piece, my friend. Excellent imagery throughout and funny images.
Suggestions: "drying my hands as I hustled from the kitchen to open the living-room storm door." (cut words whenever you can for tighter writing...good rule of thumb like this (cut "the living room storm")
And, perhaps re-word this, Don: "I could see a faint image of a man's backside standing on the porch. To: "I saw a man standing on the porch exposing his ass (or backside) LOL
And: "As I began to speak, a slight gust smacked me with a whiff of the old man's woolen overcoat. A mixed stench of dead fish, sour milk, and mildew laced with a hint of mothballs." Change to: "I started to speak, but I was taken back by the stench of dead fish, sour milk and mildew laced with a hint of mothballs"
An aside: Do you know what mothballs smell like?
Answer Yes
Question: How did you get their little legs apart?
Later, Don. Happy Halloween! Bob
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Hi, Don. This is definitely a fun piece, my friend. Excellent imagery throughout and funny images.
Suggestions: "drying my hands as I hustled from the kitchen to open the living-room storm door." (cut words whenever you can for tighter writing...good rule of thumb like this (cut "the living room storm")
And, perhaps re-word this, Don: "I could see a faint image of a man's backside standing on the porch. To: "I saw a man standing on the porch exposing his ass (or backside) LOL
And: "As I began to speak, a slight gust smacked me with a whiff of the old man's woolen overcoat. A mixed stench of dead fish, sour milk, and mildew laced with a hint of mothballs." Change to: "I started to speak, but I was taken back by the stench of dead fish, sour milk and mildew laced with a hint of mothballs"
An aside: Do you know what mothballs smell like?
Answer Yes
Question: How did you get their little legs apart?
Later, Don. Happy Halloween! Bob
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Bob, for finding time to read my sick little story. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. Happy Halloween! :-)
Comment from robyn corum
I enjoyed this piece. I LOVED the delightfully FRIGHTFULLY descriptions of smells and images. Great job.
The ending wasn't QUITE so clear. This was the third descendant FROM the old man (who had returned 119 years after his death)...? But WHY would we think the man would return again 'anytime' - instead of just on halloween night - when I would make a point of BEING GONE!?
hahahahaha
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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I enjoyed this piece. I LOVED the delightfully FRIGHTFULLY descriptions of smells and images. Great job.
The ending wasn't QUITE so clear. This was the third descendant FROM the old man (who had returned 119 years after his death)...? But WHY would we think the man would return again 'anytime' - instead of just on halloween night - when I would make a point of BEING GONE!?
hahahahaha
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Robyn, for finding time to read my sick little story. Your kind words, comments, and generous review are greatly appreciated. The old Theodore was the first, the last Theodore was the fifth. I guess he's a ghost that just keeps wondering throughout time, and can come back whenever he wants. Well, that was the idea, anyway. LOL. Happy Halloween! :-)
Comment from Shirley McLain
Very good story. It was so descriptive that I could see that old man in detail in my mind's eye. Doodlewanger is a very imaginative name. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Very good story. It was so descriptive that I could see that old man in detail in my mind's eye. Doodlewanger is a very imaginative name. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Shirley, my dear, I just can't help myself. I have to say or do something silly, it's just me, and Doodlewanger was the goofiest name I could think of, and it didn't go with the story even a little bit. Oh well. Thank you so much for finding time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Happy Halloween! :-)
Comment from Dean Kuch
Having to swallow your own vomit is pretty horrifying in and of itself, Ric. But the reasons your protagonist was forced to do so--the foul stench which wafted off of the strange antediluvian, is far more terrifying.
Comparing the lines and textures in his face to the bark of an ancient, worn, and weathered tree displayed excellent usages of descriptive adjectives and metaphor. I could see (and SMELL...E-w-w-w-w!...) him very clearly in my imagination.
Nasty!
There's also a lot to be said for sunbaked cow guts, Ric. Hey, don't knock it until you try it, heh-heh.
So, the old stranger who came visiting was a distant relative of Theodore J. Doodlewanger V, murdered on Halloween night in 1886, 119 years form the day after his eerie visit. I guess Old Mr. Doodlewanger simply wanted to see how his relatives were doing, what they were up to. You know, just to see how the "other half" lives.
The key word being "lives", LOL.
Excellent story, extremely well written. Sorry I don't have a six left for you!
Best wishes for the contest...
~Dean :}
FIVE OUT OF FIVE SKULLS
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Having to swallow your own vomit is pretty horrifying in and of itself, Ric. But the reasons your protagonist was forced to do so--the foul stench which wafted off of the strange antediluvian, is far more terrifying.
Comparing the lines and textures in his face to the bark of an ancient, worn, and weathered tree displayed excellent usages of descriptive adjectives and metaphor. I could see (and SMELL...E-w-w-w-w!...) him very clearly in my imagination.
Nasty!
There's also a lot to be said for sunbaked cow guts, Ric. Hey, don't knock it until you try it, heh-heh.
So, the old stranger who came visiting was a distant relative of Theodore J. Doodlewanger V, murdered on Halloween night in 1886, 119 years form the day after his eerie visit. I guess Old Mr. Doodlewanger simply wanted to see how his relatives were doing, what they were up to. You know, just to see how the "other half" lives.
The key word being "lives", LOL.
Excellent story, extremely well written. Sorry I don't have a six left for you!
Best wishes for the contest...
~Dean :}
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Dean, my friend, for finding time to read my sickening story. Your kind words, comments, and generous review are greatly appreciated. And, who knows, maybe one of these days you and I will get a chance to sit down and chat over a steaming bowl of those cow guts. Nah, lets just stick with a coffee or tea. LOL. Happy Halloween! :-)
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Hahaha, yes, let's stick with the coffee, tea and biscuits, Ric.
You're very welcome, it's a great story.
~Dean :)