Free Verse Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "The Dancers"A collection of free verse poems
92 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
Good depiction of the action, Tony. Plenty of imagery there. Your crescendo is gradual, yet we clearly see the rise, only again to subside and succumb to the calmness of which the imagery would suggest, before the moment of glee.
The emphasis on any poem is what I call 'the soul' of a poem. Without the soul, the poem reads flat and orchestrated.
You have found the soul here, it has the heart = the beating and movement, it has the soul= the life, pulse and aura in depicting your thesis of which works beautifully with your image.
Now you have the poetic ambiance which must by all costs portray your thesis, image and title combined, and you have done that beautifully with the combination of these words:
Tapping,
Itching,
rhythm,
flutter,
stutter,
swirled,
gracefully,
Dance,
weather adjective or noun, all synonymous with your title and the movement of your theme.
I think one thing I would might of looked at , is the repeating lines as;
''Of their dance''
I think, because it is in your title, you have to either repeat it in every stanza , as you only have it in 3rd and 4th or just use it once, or it may seem a mistake.
Even if it is not aligned with any particular system, it is then your system. It has to be continuous so it is done with meaning and choice rather than coincidence.
This also applies to ''In the dust'' which finds itself in the 2nd and the 6th. This also could have been repeated in every stanza, as it is not as pronounced as ''Of their dance'' which is very strong, considering dance is what the whole poem is about. So, I would choose , either or. Incorporate in all or use a distinctive line after each stanza as you might see in many of my work when repeating a line to bring more emphasis to the meaning I want to portray.
Hope you can find some alternatives in that which I have written, Tony.
Great Image and an excellent moment captured.
RG
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2014
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Good depiction of the action, Tony. Plenty of imagery there. Your crescendo is gradual, yet we clearly see the rise, only again to subside and succumb to the calmness of which the imagery would suggest, before the moment of glee.
The emphasis on any poem is what I call 'the soul' of a poem. Without the soul, the poem reads flat and orchestrated.
You have found the soul here, it has the heart = the beating and movement, it has the soul= the life, pulse and aura in depicting your thesis of which works beautifully with your image.
Now you have the poetic ambiance which must by all costs portray your thesis, image and title combined, and you have done that beautifully with the combination of these words:
Tapping,
Itching,
rhythm,
flutter,
stutter,
swirled,
gracefully,
Dance,
weather adjective or noun, all synonymous with your title and the movement of your theme.
I think one thing I would might of looked at , is the repeating lines as;
''Of their dance''
I think, because it is in your title, you have to either repeat it in every stanza , as you only have it in 3rd and 4th or just use it once, or it may seem a mistake.
Even if it is not aligned with any particular system, it is then your system. It has to be continuous so it is done with meaning and choice rather than coincidence.
This also applies to ''In the dust'' which finds itself in the 2nd and the 6th. This also could have been repeated in every stanza, as it is not as pronounced as ''Of their dance'' which is very strong, considering dance is what the whole poem is about. So, I would choose , either or. Incorporate in all or use a distinctive line after each stanza as you might see in many of my work when repeating a line to bring more emphasis to the meaning I want to portray.
Hope you can find some alternatives in that which I have written, Tony.
Great Image and an excellent moment captured.
RG
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2014
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Thanks very much for this thoughtful and detailed analysis, Roy. I very much appreciate you giving so much time to it. I must say that I also had some reservations about those repeating lines and I'll certainly give them more thought. It is one of those poems, I think, that may need putting away for a while and coming back to in a little while with a fresh mindset. Your comments have been most helpful!
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Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Marillion
For a free-verse poem, my friend, this one truly dances along in the perfect rhythm to match the piece. The repetition is effective, as is the form.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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For a free-verse poem, my friend, this one truly dances along in the perfect rhythm to match the piece. The repetition is effective, as is the form.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Marillion, and thank you so much for your kind words.
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
This is a very sweet poem, Tony. Your experiment turned out very well. Although not written to any particular form, it reads extremely well and has impact on the reader.
Loved the carefree feeling in this write.
Of special note to this reader is your stanza:
And you couldn't see their feet
As they wove a birdlike flutter
In the utter
joyful
stutter
of their dance
flutter/utter/stutter .... loved the rhyming here!
Another great poem, and fabulous picture by your daughter!
Connie :)
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
|
This is a very sweet poem, Tony. Your experiment turned out very well. Although not written to any particular form, it reads extremely well and has impact on the reader.
Loved the carefree feeling in this write.
Of special note to this reader is your stanza:
And you couldn't see their feet
As they wove a birdlike flutter
In the utter
joyful
stutter
of their dance
flutter/utter/stutter .... loved the rhyming here!
Another great poem, and fabulous picture by your daughter!
Connie :)
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Connie, and thank you so much for your lovely review.
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
At last, I am reviewing something worthwhile today. A lovely description of the girls dancing - your free verse, despite it's lack of rhyme flows as if it did - it dances. A joyful read. Regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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At last, I am reviewing something worthwhile today. A lovely description of the girls dancing - your free verse, despite it's lack of rhyme flows as if it did - it dances. A joyful read. Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Dorothy, and thank you so much for your lovely review and very kind words.
Comment from pbroussard209
I found this poem to be a fun and delightful read. I don't write poetry so I can't give you any advice on that. But I loved the way it came to life. It brought a smile to my lips.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I found this poem to be a fun and delightful read. I don't write poetry so I can't give you any advice on that. But I loved the way it came to life. It brought a smile to my lips.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, PB, and thank you so much for your kind review.
Comment from adewpearl
Another marvelous photo
good proximate rhyme of trees/leaves
and alliteration in toes tapping
good assonance in see their feet
love the flutter/utter/stutter passage
great use of enjambment in that section
I also love the glided...subsided passage
great laughter/thereafter passage
This is just glorious, my friend - I so wish I had a six to give it.
Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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Another marvelous photo
good proximate rhyme of trees/leaves
and alliteration in toes tapping
good assonance in see their feet
love the flutter/utter/stutter passage
great use of enjambment in that section
I also love the glided...subsided passage
great laughter/thereafter passage
This is just glorious, my friend - I so wish I had a six to give it.
Brooke
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much for this affirmation, Brooke! I'm almost beginning to feel like a poet!
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Thanks so much for this affirmation, Brooke! I'm almost beginning to feel like a poet!
Comment from Akanksha Mahajan
What a scene you have created in the readers mind! Actually the Scene is only about 3 girls dancing in the water, but you have described and elaborated it so well.
The picture is nice.
Great Work.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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What a scene you have created in the readers mind! Actually the Scene is only about 3 girls dancing in the water, but you have described and elaborated it so well.
The picture is nice.
Great Work.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Akanksha, and thank you so much for your lovely review.
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Akanksha, and thank you so much for your lovely review.
Comment from LadyCosgrove
I can so visualise those girls tap-tapping their way home through the dusky streets. Your experiment worked very well.
...and I see no need of punctuation - it read very smoothly for me.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I can so visualise those girls tap-tapping their way home through the dusky streets. Your experiment worked very well.
...and I see no need of punctuation - it read very smoothly for me.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, LadyC, and thank you so much for the kind words and positive comments in your review.
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
I'm truly glad I saved a couple of sixers, this is good. I fell into the trance like rhythm in the second stanza with the trees leaves and upgraded in the third with the toe tapping--delightful all the way through and culminates with the perfect explanation and rhythm. You have the music in you, and you worked the crescendo beautifully. The use of the repeated vowel sounds is great. I couldn't add or subtract from this lovely work of art. Kenny
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I'm truly glad I saved a couple of sixers, this is good. I fell into the trance like rhythm in the second stanza with the trees leaves and upgraded in the third with the toe tapping--delightful all the way through and culminates with the perfect explanation and rhythm. You have the music in you, and you worked the crescendo beautifully. The use of the repeated vowel sounds is great. I couldn't add or subtract from this lovely work of art. Kenny
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Kenny, and thank you so much for your high praise and six stars. Highly valued coming from such an accomplished poet as yourself!
Comment from Paddywack
I really like it, Tony. I think you achieved a syncopated rhythm that is apt for the subject (i.e. the dance). You don't need punctuation, it flows well as is. The only part that didn't sit perfectly with me was the last verse. I like the first line and the last line is fitting, but the middle two don't work as well. (only for me)
Thanks for sharing
Paddy
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I really like it, Tony. I think you achieved a syncopated rhythm that is apt for the subject (i.e. the dance). You don't need punctuation, it flows well as is. The only part that didn't sit perfectly with me was the last verse. I like the first line and the last line is fitting, but the middle two don't work as well. (only for me)
Thanks for sharing
Paddy
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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So glad you enjoyed this one, Paddy, and thank you so much for your comments. I've had one or two people make comments about that last verse. It obviously needs looking at again! I appreciate your feedback.
