Night Whispers
Amphibrach meter ~ FS Poetry class32 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Melissa,
I think your poem is excellent.
"Whenever the moon sits upon the horizon
and paints the black water with patterns of lace,
soft moonbeams will bathe me in luminous whispers;
its gossamer threads wrap me in an embrace." ... nice personification of the moon sitting on a distant hill as it rises to its nighttime throne, painting patterns across the dark lake, and actually giving you a much-needed hug.
You are also visited by the Night Wind, who sits beside you with a cool arm over your shoulders, comforting you, whispering secrets in your ear.
So moonlight and breezes are your evening buddies as you walk by the lake.
You've done a wonderful job with the meter, the words of each line flowing nicely. Nothing to trip over.
I would only offer one area for suggestion, but your poem is perfect the way it is. Just for alliteration's sake, and post repair, I offer this...
"The coolness of ev'ning rests on my bare shoulders;
I feel the Night swathe me in capelets of dew,
communing with zephyrs that feather the droplets,
reveals a hushed layer where all things are true."
(The coolness of ev'ning caresses my shoulders;
I feel the Night bathe me in droplets of dew,
communing with zephyrs that feather the drizzle,
reveals a hushed layer where all things are new.)
and, because I used "bathe" in that second line, I'd change "will bathe" in your first verse/line 3 to
(soft moonbeams immerse me in luminous whispers)
But again, I'm just playing around with an already perfect poem. You inspire me, that's all.
Hugs,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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Hi Melissa,
I think your poem is excellent.
"Whenever the moon sits upon the horizon
and paints the black water with patterns of lace,
soft moonbeams will bathe me in luminous whispers;
its gossamer threads wrap me in an embrace." ... nice personification of the moon sitting on a distant hill as it rises to its nighttime throne, painting patterns across the dark lake, and actually giving you a much-needed hug.
You are also visited by the Night Wind, who sits beside you with a cool arm over your shoulders, comforting you, whispering secrets in your ear.
So moonlight and breezes are your evening buddies as you walk by the lake.
You've done a wonderful job with the meter, the words of each line flowing nicely. Nothing to trip over.
I would only offer one area for suggestion, but your poem is perfect the way it is. Just for alliteration's sake, and post repair, I offer this...
"The coolness of ev'ning rests on my bare shoulders;
I feel the Night swathe me in capelets of dew,
communing with zephyrs that feather the droplets,
reveals a hushed layer where all things are true."
(The coolness of ev'ning caresses my shoulders;
I feel the Night bathe me in droplets of dew,
communing with zephyrs that feather the drizzle,
reveals a hushed layer where all things are new.)
and, because I used "bathe" in that second line, I'd change "will bathe" in your first verse/line 3 to
(soft moonbeams immerse me in luminous whispers)
But again, I'm just playing around with an already perfect poem. You inspire me, that's all.
Hugs,
Kimbob
Comment Written 18-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your wonderful comments and in-depth look at the poem. I loved the tweaks you suggested and think it adds a different slant. I am so glad you liked it.
Melissa
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you're very welcome, Melissa! My pleasure.
Comment from Cindy Decker
Melissa,
This is such an exceptionally-beautiful poem I had to read it slowly to savor its images. I did not know moonlight could be so beautiful!
The last two lines are an excellent conclusion. Good luck in all your writing endeavors.
Cindy
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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Melissa,
This is such an exceptionally-beautiful poem I had to read it slowly to savor its images. I did not know moonlight could be so beautiful!
The last two lines are an excellent conclusion. Good luck in all your writing endeavors.
Cindy
Comment Written 18-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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Hi Cindy. You have made my day with your wonderful comments on Night Whispers. Thank you so much!!
Melissa
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You?re welcome.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Well, Melissa, if I had a six at this juncture, my lady, it would certainly be yours!! What a lovely vision and melody you've penned for us.... and I think your ending there could not be more perfect!! Please, bring on the winds of the night!;) Thanx for sharing that talented pen! ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2020
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Well, Melissa, if I had a six at this juncture, my lady, it would certainly be yours!! What a lovely vision and melody you've penned for us.... and I think your ending there could not be more perfect!! Please, bring on the winds of the night!;) Thanx for sharing that talented pen! ;) Yvette
Comment Written 17-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2020
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Hello Yvette. You have put a big grin on my face!! Thank you for your wonderful encouragement and support... I always value your opinion!!
Melissa
Comment from harmony13
The author's words are beautiful, interesting and creative. I thought
about the nights I sit outside and look at the moon and stars. I will
listen next time for the whispers! The poem flows and connects well.
Have a great weekend!
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2020
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The author's words are beautiful, interesting and creative. I thought
about the nights I sit outside and look at the moon and stars. I will
listen next time for the whispers! The poem flows and connects well.
Have a great weekend!
Comment Written 17-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2020
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Hello Maria. Thank you so much. I really value your opinion!!
Melissa
Comment from Gloria ....
A fantastic poem, Melissa. Your metre and imagery developed perfectly with the warm tone building with each successive stanza.
A little mystique, a little romance and huge beauty of a poem.
Very, very well done. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2020
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A fantastic poem, Melissa. Your metre and imagery developed perfectly with the warm tone building with each successive stanza.
A little mystique, a little romance and huge beauty of a poem.
Very, very well done. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 17-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2020
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:). You have made my day with your thoughts on my poem... and it is early that the glow will last all day. LOL. Thank you for sharing your opinion with me. So glad you liked it!
Melissa
Comment from Ulla
Hi Melissa, and you're learning fast, aren't you. You seem to be able to write anything. What a wonderful poem. I read it and I was there. Very well done. I loved it. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Hi Melissa, and you're learning fast, aren't you. You seem to be able to write anything. What a wonderful poem. I read it and I was there. Very well done. I loved it. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Hello Ulla. Thank you for your lovely words that are a gift of encouragement to me. I really appreciate it.
Melissa
Comment from Mistydawn
What a magnificent poem. Your description is so elegantly using all the senses that I felt like I was there. I could feel the wind on my shoulders, the beauty of it all. This one more so than the others. I'm beginning to think there isn't any poem style you can't do.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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What a magnificent poem. Your description is so elegantly using all the senses that I felt like I was there. I could feel the wind on my shoulders, the beauty of it all. This one more so than the others. I'm beginning to think there isn't any poem style you can't do.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Hello Misty. You have made my day with your encouraging words and lovely review. I am having so much fun in Meter class and the challenge of learning new styles and cadences. Thank you, sweet friend.
Melissa
Comment from June Sargent
It feels almost like a waltz! The rhythm is catchy and the topic enchanting. Patterns of lace and capelets of dew embracing us - what imagery! I really enjoyed this post!
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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It feels almost like a waltz! The rhythm is catchy and the topic enchanting. Patterns of lace and capelets of dew embracing us - what imagery! I really enjoyed this post!
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Hello June. Thank you so much. I am glad you enjoyed it, my friend.
Melissa
Comment from judiverse
that's an amazing picture. It looks like the moon is sinking down into the water. Great job with the meter. It flows along breezily, which fits the tone of your poem. You contemplate the mysterious whispers of night. This does seem a time when the senses are more acute, and the sounds somehow become amplified. As you describe in your last line, the night breezes contain "pure wisdom the Ancients have hidden for years." Beautiful wording. judi
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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that's an amazing picture. It looks like the moon is sinking down into the water. Great job with the meter. It flows along breezily, which fits the tone of your poem. You contemplate the mysterious whispers of night. This does seem a time when the senses are more acute, and the sounds somehow become amplified. As you describe in your last line, the night breezes contain "pure wisdom the Ancients have hidden for years." Beautiful wording. judi
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Hello Judi. Thank you so much for the wonderful review. I am falling in love with the amphibrach meter and wanted to give it my best. I really appreciate you!
Melissa
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You're very welcome. The amphibrach meter does give a different flow to the lines, and you're doing great with it. judi
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hello Melissa, this is a lovely poem, well written with good rhyme and meter consistent throughout. I have never heard of Amphibrach meter - yet another form new to me. I particularly like the use of metaphor in -
The coolness of ev'ning rests on my bare shoulders;
I feel the Night swathe me in capelets of dew,........... A lovely poem - warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Hello Melissa, this is a lovely poem, well written with good rhyme and meter consistent throughout. I have never heard of Amphibrach meter - yet another form new to me. I particularly like the use of metaphor in -
The coolness of ev'ning rests on my bare shoulders;
I feel the Night swathe me in capelets of dew,........... A lovely poem - warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you Dorothy!! I am so happy that you enjoyed Night Whispers!!
Melissa
