Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Betrayal Chapter 5"In the title.
41 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Borras
I'm so excited to have a slow moment at the restaurant so that I can read more of your story! I really do love it so far! I noticed just a couple of super small things...
"Grant was out of his chair in an instant. His anger ready to burst if he wasn't careful." I think that this could be made into one sentence, unless you meant for it to read "His anger was ready to burst".
"keeping her voice low so as not to bring attention to them" There's an extra space between as and not (it happens to me all of the time when I delete unnecessary words :) )
"Just that. I haven't come here to be ordered around" "Just that" seems like an odd answer to the question he asked, was the period meant to be a comma?
As always, you wrote a wonderful chapter here! Whenever I do find something, it's always super miniscule. But I'm the type that I'd want somebody to tell me, so hopefully my tips aren't getting annoying!
Looking forward to reading more :)
reply by the author on 05-May-2021
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I'm so excited to have a slow moment at the restaurant so that I can read more of your story! I really do love it so far! I noticed just a couple of super small things...
"Grant was out of his chair in an instant. His anger ready to burst if he wasn't careful." I think that this could be made into one sentence, unless you meant for it to read "His anger was ready to burst".
"keeping her voice low so as not to bring attention to them" There's an extra space between as and not (it happens to me all of the time when I delete unnecessary words :) )
"Just that. I haven't come here to be ordered around" "Just that" seems like an odd answer to the question he asked, was the period meant to be a comma?
As always, you wrote a wonderful chapter here! Whenever I do find something, it's always super miniscule. But I'm the type that I'd want somebody to tell me, so hopefully my tips aren't getting annoying!
Looking forward to reading more :)
Comment Written 05-May-2021
reply by the author on 05-May-2021
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No!! You are absolutely not annoying me in the slightest! I'm just so grateful that you are doing this. Thank you so much, Jessica. I've changed one of the sentences you pointed out, and I'm a lot happier with it now. This is how it reads...
1) Grant was out of his chair in an instant. With his anger just about ready to burst, he knew he had to tread with care.
2) Took out the extra space.
3) I'm going to work on that part. I took 'Just that' out, but it needs something. Thanks for pointing it out. :)
I can't thank you enough, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
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You're so very welcome! I really am enjoying reading through your story. I've only read a handful of chapters, but I'd say you have a very good chance of finding a traditional publisher. It's a challenge, but can be done!
P.S. That sentence flows so nicely now!
Comment from Begin Again
Guess she told him! I love this spunky girl... it took me a long time (and I'm not sure I am completely there yet) to not let people take advantage and walk over me. I admire her!
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Guess she told him! I love this spunky girl... it took me a long time (and I'm not sure I am completely there yet) to not let people take advantage and walk over me. I admire her!
Comment Written 12-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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You're like me, I would like to be more like Tania, I am to a degree, but like you, not quite there yet. I'd best hurry up, or I'll run out of time! LOL :)
Comment from dmt1967
This is another great chapter. Just one thing, 'You're right, of course. I apologise for being such a prat. Please, would you sit down so we can continue?' I don't think he would say 'prat.' I think he would say 'idiot.' The word prat comes from a lower and younger class, in my opinion. It sounds wrong in his voice. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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This is another great chapter. Just one thing, 'You're right, of course. I apologise for being such a prat. Please, would you sit down so we can continue?' I don't think he would say 'prat.' I think he would say 'idiot.' The word prat comes from a lower and younger class, in my opinion. It sounds wrong in his voice. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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You're right, and I will change it. Thanks so much for this lovely review and for pointing that out. I'm listening too much to my grandchildren!! lol. Warm hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from DSchlosser
I don't really know too many people who would have the patience to deal with Tania. If I was Grant, I would have just dropped her from the interviews and not investigated. That's just me though.
I have a sister that has bi-polar disorder, and our conversations a lot of times go like this. We nearly get to blows and have to separate.
My only question on this chapter is why it's all in bold print? I thought maybe the recap would be in bold and the new chapter would be normal print. I checked the previous chapter and it wasn't bold.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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I don't really know too many people who would have the patience to deal with Tania. If I was Grant, I would have just dropped her from the interviews and not investigated. That's just me though.
I have a sister that has bi-polar disorder, and our conversations a lot of times go like this. We nearly get to blows and have to separate.
My only question on this chapter is why it's all in bold print? I thought maybe the recap would be in bold and the new chapter would be normal print. I checked the previous chapter and it wasn't bold.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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I don't know why I put that chapter in bold print. But after reading your review, I have gone back into it and changed it. I've also checked other parts and found I'd done the same thing with a few more. I've changed them all to normal print.
Tania has been the victim of theft so she's very wary. Grant knows something is wrong. It all comes out soon. And then you'll know why both have acted the way they have towards each other.
Thank you, David, for another great review. I really appreciate your comments. All help me with how I progress. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from L. Kalere
This a wonderful dialog between the two antagonists, as the tension continues to mount. I'm not sure which one is more hard-headed. Congrats, again.
By the way, expect to see more reviews...I'm behind on my reading.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2020
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This a wonderful dialog between the two antagonists, as the tension continues to mount. I'm not sure which one is more hard-headed. Congrats, again.
By the way, expect to see more reviews...I'm behind on my reading.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for going back and reading these chapters, Linda, that is so nice of you. You have put a big smile on my face with your comments. Thank you big time for the six stars! I'm delighted you are enjoying the story. Warm hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from DeboraDyess
I missed a chapter? How did I miss a chapter! (Oh, wait...I"m 85 messages behind...hmm...THAT'S it!)
couple of things...
After Tania had ended the call, >> After Tania ended the call, >>No need for 'had'
looked at her watch, it was a quarter >> looked at her watch; it was a quarter
A little disloyal fluttering in her stomach>> I still so love that one!
WOMDERFUL description of her response to their eyes meeting! Been there, done that, married the guy. lol
thank you,' she replied. >> Sometimes speech tags are necessary, sometimes they feel like a nice transition and sometimes you dno't need them for any reason. I'd leave this one off. You've done an excellent job of describing Tania's movements and we know from that who is speaking. :)
church-steepled together. >> NICE!
Im grinning as I read their exchange. Very nice. AGain with the speech tgags, not needed. You're doing such a great job of letting us know who is talking!
saying, please, for a start >>Yowza! (GReat argument!) But I think I'd put 'please' in single quotes instead of set off by commas.
Grant's voice had dropped to a level somewhere below freezing. His dark eyes discharged iced spikes >> WONDERFUL!
So here's another weird personal preference thing...'a lot' seems...vague. I don't know why and it really IS just my preference. I'd use a word like 'considerably' or 'significantly'. Just me, so throw that out with the garbage if you wish!
Colin kept popping >> THis paragraph starts with her thinking of one brother an ends with her looking at the other. Instead of 'looked him in the eye' (how was that worded? lol) I think I'd replace your pronoun with 'Grant'.
picked up her bag then looked >> picked up her bag, then looked
she retorted, refusing to take the money. >> Okay...I"m just n old gal from Texas, where we barely even speak English. *smile* Still, I don't think you can 'retort'. YOu can yell, say, whisper, etc. But retort? I know what a retort is, but I'm not sure you're supposed to use it as a speech tag (which we've already established I dislike, anyway. ð?¤·â??â??ï¸? ) Instead of 'she retorted, refusing to take the money' why not just 'She refused to take the money'? YOu can also say something about her hoping her retort stung a bit or something like that, but using it as a speech tag...just not sure it's kosher.
Absolutely LOVE the last couple of lines!
Okay, in the US, we use double quotes to indicate dialogue. I notice you use only single quotes. I assume that's correct in the UK. Interesting! So, instead of single quotes on 'please', perhaps in italics...Just a thought about a thought. :)
Blessings and I"m on to the next chapter!
Blessings,
Deb
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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I missed a chapter? How did I miss a chapter! (Oh, wait...I"m 85 messages behind...hmm...THAT'S it!)
couple of things...
After Tania had ended the call, >> After Tania ended the call, >>No need for 'had'
looked at her watch, it was a quarter >> looked at her watch; it was a quarter
A little disloyal fluttering in her stomach>> I still so love that one!
WOMDERFUL description of her response to their eyes meeting! Been there, done that, married the guy. lol
thank you,' she replied. >> Sometimes speech tags are necessary, sometimes they feel like a nice transition and sometimes you dno't need them for any reason. I'd leave this one off. You've done an excellent job of describing Tania's movements and we know from that who is speaking. :)
church-steepled together. >> NICE!
Im grinning as I read their exchange. Very nice. AGain with the speech tgags, not needed. You're doing such a great job of letting us know who is talking!
saying, please, for a start >>Yowza! (GReat argument!) But I think I'd put 'please' in single quotes instead of set off by commas.
Grant's voice had dropped to a level somewhere below freezing. His dark eyes discharged iced spikes >> WONDERFUL!
So here's another weird personal preference thing...'a lot' seems...vague. I don't know why and it really IS just my preference. I'd use a word like 'considerably' or 'significantly'. Just me, so throw that out with the garbage if you wish!
Colin kept popping >> THis paragraph starts with her thinking of one brother an ends with her looking at the other. Instead of 'looked him in the eye' (how was that worded? lol) I think I'd replace your pronoun with 'Grant'.
picked up her bag then looked >> picked up her bag, then looked
she retorted, refusing to take the money. >> Okay...I"m just n old gal from Texas, where we barely even speak English. *smile* Still, I don't think you can 'retort'. YOu can yell, say, whisper, etc. But retort? I know what a retort is, but I'm not sure you're supposed to use it as a speech tag (which we've already established I dislike, anyway. ð?¤·â??â??ï¸? ) Instead of 'she retorted, refusing to take the money' why not just 'She refused to take the money'? YOu can also say something about her hoping her retort stung a bit or something like that, but using it as a speech tag...just not sure it's kosher.
Absolutely LOVE the last couple of lines!
Okay, in the US, we use double quotes to indicate dialogue. I notice you use only single quotes. I assume that's correct in the UK. Interesting! So, instead of single quotes on 'please', perhaps in italics...Just a thought about a thought. :)
Blessings and I"m on to the next chapter!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you so very much again, for another fabulous review, Debs, I've made all the suggested edits because I agree with them all. What I really enjoy about your reviews is the way you offer advice, pick out the errors and tell me what you really liked about the part. You're a great reviewer, and I appreciate all you do to help. Warm hugs, my wonderful friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Sanku
Now grant has some doubts in his mind .I wonder why he would not reveal the identity of that architect .The story is progressing well and holding the interest of the reader .The main reason is the fluid style of yours. Very lucid and uncluttered.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Now grant has some doubts in his mind .I wonder why he would not reveal the identity of that architect .The story is progressing well and holding the interest of the reader .The main reason is the fluid style of yours. Very lucid and uncluttered.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you so very much for this really lovely review, Sanku. You'll learn the identity shortly, I'll be posting today. You really have made my day with your wonderful comments, my friend, thank you so much! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from robyn corum
Sandra,
A 'nother nice chapter letting us get to know more of the characters. I do think they have each met their match in the other. *smile*
This novel is quite intriguing. I'm waiting for more!
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Sandra,
A 'nother nice chapter letting us get to know more of the characters. I do think they have each met their match in the other. *smile*
This novel is quite intriguing. I'm waiting for more!
Comment Written 30-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Thank you, Robyn! Yes, they are both strong characters in their own right. Things will start to change soon, big time! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from F. William Lester
Ouch! I don't think I would be able to keep my cool with her. God help me! :)
I don't know if I missed a chapter, but I forgot how her coat got dirty. Most everything came back to me as this chapter moved along. Great work. I didn't see anything that was glaring. The pace is fine and the dialog is certainly realistic and sharp. Is that the actual cover for the book? Well done. Stay well, Frank.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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Ouch! I don't think I would be able to keep my cool with her. God help me! :)
I don't know if I missed a chapter, but I forgot how her coat got dirty. Most everything came back to me as this chapter moved along. Great work. I didn't see anything that was glaring. The pace is fine and the dialog is certainly realistic and sharp. Is that the actual cover for the book? Well done. Stay well, Frank.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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Good morning, Frank. Thank you so much for this lovely review. It was in chapter one. The very first paragraph had Tania standing on the pavement dripping wet after Grant had driven his posh sports car through a large muddy puddle in the side of the road. He didn't even slow down. Unfortunately, Tania was so upset because she had an important final interview for a prestigous architect job, and she saw him turn into the carpark and ran after him to give him a piece of her mind. So, looking a mess, she arrives at the interview, and discovers Grant is the person whose company she wants ot work for. Not a good start! lol. I used this opening as I knew just how I felt when I was splattered by an unconsiderate driver who didn't stop. In chapter two, she is accused of stealing her plans from another architect. So, you can see now why she might be a tiny bit angry with his. :)) lol.
Yes, that is my new cover. what do you think of it? The couple on it are my grandson and his fiance. I didn't need to go through the problem of permissions etc.
Thank you again, my friend, your support is always appreciated. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
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I like the cover. A very handsome couple and an excellent choice for character photos. I'm looking forward to reading this as well. Keep safe, Frank
Comment from alexisleech
I so enjoyed this chapter! You have the ability to bring the reader into the space, which allows one to identify with the characters and bond with them. As always, I can't wait for the next chapter - well done, my friend, it's building momentum without giving the plot away!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2020
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I so enjoyed this chapter! You have the ability to bring the reader into the space, which allows one to identify with the characters and bond with them. As always, I can't wait for the next chapter - well done, my friend, it's building momentum without giving the plot away!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2020
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Thank you so very much, Alexis, for this really lovely review and for all those stars! I love what you've said about identifying with the characters, that means a lot. Thank you, my friend. :)) Warm higs, and lots of love Sandra xxx
