Remembering Yesterday
Viewing comments for Chapter 75 "First Bird to Leave the Nest"A widow's journey into her relationship with her
17 total reviews
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Getting Don into boarding school proved to be an ongoing family adventure! It sounds like quite a crisis, when he missed the bus home -- I bet he didn't do that again! The school did the right thing, by sending him home on a plane. It must have been upsetting for everyone.
Here are the errors I found, with suggested revisions:
...he wants to attend and boarding school over 500 miles away.
-->
...he wants to attend a boarding school over 500 miles away.
A boy, named Johnathan and his old sister, Judy, lived next door.
-->
A boy named Jonathan and his older sister, Judy, lived next door. [close up space between last two words]
I remember one day when he kept bugging you while you were trying to paint the trim on the house.
-->
I remember one day he kept bugging you, while you were trying to paint the trim on the house.
You threatened to dump paint on him, if he did stop bothering you.
-->
You threatened to dump paint on him, if he didn't stop bothering you.
She would finish in December of this year,
-->
She would finish in December of that year,
...see if he could handle being that far from hom.
-->
...see if he could handle being that far from home.
We drove to Hot Springs and spent our first night at a KOA campground. [What is KOA? Maybe you should spell it out on first usage -- since I didn't recognize it, maybe others won't, either.]
There was civil war homestead to explore.
-->
There was a Civil War homestead to explore.
we found a Jellystone Campground near Branson, Mo.
-->
we found a Jellystone Campground near Branson, Missouri.
They had a lot activities for the family.
-->
They had a lot of activities for the family.
Now many people choose Branson [remove line break after "people"]
They are many country shows...
-->
There are many country shows...
safe place for our son's first experience away from the family. [remove line break after "away"]
...and gave him advise on which classes he should take...
-->
...and gave him advice on which classes he should take...
a part Indian boy form Enid, Oklahoma. [better to say "Native American" today]
...dreading the the long drive ahead of us.
-->
...dreading the long drive ahead of us.
I bought her some cute school clothes and all the materials required for a preschooler. and I went with her on her first day...
-->
I bought her some cute school clothes and all the materials required for a preschooler, and I went with her on her first day... [you also have line breaks to delete in this paragraph, before "materials" and after "required"]
There were several girls t interested in him.
-->
There were several girls interested in him.
One girl, named Loraine, was mentioned several time.
-->
One girl, named Loraine, was mentioned several times.
He had dropped history and typing was taking auto mechanics and some other crip course, which he didn't need.
-->
He had dropped history and typing, and was taking auto mechanics and some other crip course, which he didn't need. [I'm not sure what "crip" means, but I may look it up; if it's a word most people wouldn't understand, you may want to find a replacement or rephrase the sentence.]
Last paragraph -- remove line break between "The" and "school".
***
I'm glad that Don had a successful nose surgery and that you were able to resolve the babysitting issue with little Connie. With your last child coming a little later in life, you must have felt, in some ways, that you were doing everything all over again.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
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Getting Don into boarding school proved to be an ongoing family adventure! It sounds like quite a crisis, when he missed the bus home -- I bet he didn't do that again! The school did the right thing, by sending him home on a plane. It must have been upsetting for everyone.
Here are the errors I found, with suggested revisions:
...he wants to attend and boarding school over 500 miles away.
-->
...he wants to attend a boarding school over 500 miles away.
A boy, named Johnathan and his old sister, Judy, lived next door.
-->
A boy named Jonathan and his older sister, Judy, lived next door. [close up space between last two words]
I remember one day when he kept bugging you while you were trying to paint the trim on the house.
-->
I remember one day he kept bugging you, while you were trying to paint the trim on the house.
You threatened to dump paint on him, if he did stop bothering you.
-->
You threatened to dump paint on him, if he didn't stop bothering you.
She would finish in December of this year,
-->
She would finish in December of that year,
...see if he could handle being that far from hom.
-->
...see if he could handle being that far from home.
We drove to Hot Springs and spent our first night at a KOA campground. [What is KOA? Maybe you should spell it out on first usage -- since I didn't recognize it, maybe others won't, either.]
There was civil war homestead to explore.
-->
There was a Civil War homestead to explore.
we found a Jellystone Campground near Branson, Mo.
-->
we found a Jellystone Campground near Branson, Missouri.
They had a lot activities for the family.
-->
They had a lot of activities for the family.
Now many people choose Branson [remove line break after "people"]
They are many country shows...
-->
There are many country shows...
safe place for our son's first experience away from the family. [remove line break after "away"]
...and gave him advise on which classes he should take...
-->
...and gave him advice on which classes he should take...
a part Indian boy form Enid, Oklahoma. [better to say "Native American" today]
...dreading the the long drive ahead of us.
-->
...dreading the long drive ahead of us.
I bought her some cute school clothes and all the materials required for a preschooler. and I went with her on her first day...
-->
I bought her some cute school clothes and all the materials required for a preschooler, and I went with her on her first day... [you also have line breaks to delete in this paragraph, before "materials" and after "required"]
There were several girls t interested in him.
-->
There were several girls interested in him.
One girl, named Loraine, was mentioned several time.
-->
One girl, named Loraine, was mentioned several times.
He had dropped history and typing was taking auto mechanics and some other crip course, which he didn't need.
-->
He had dropped history and typing, and was taking auto mechanics and some other crip course, which he didn't need. [I'm not sure what "crip" means, but I may look it up; if it's a word most people wouldn't understand, you may want to find a replacement or rephrase the sentence.]
Last paragraph -- remove line break between "The" and "school".
***
I'm glad that Don had a successful nose surgery and that you were able to resolve the babysitting issue with little Connie. With your last child coming a little later in life, you must have felt, in some ways, that you were doing everything all over again.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for taking all that time to help me edit. Most of the line breaks you mention aren't showing on my copy. When I tried to take out space it ran the words together. Crip is slang word for easy I changed it. You are an angel to spend so much time helping me edit my work and giving me six much appreciated stars.
I thing I've changed everything.
Beth
-
You're very welcome, Beth. Yes, I'm sure those line breaks didn't show up on your copy, I do just about everything on a cellphone, so it probably wraps differently, but reveals where some breaks are. Removing the line breaks might cause the words to run together, but you would just need to add a space, and I suppose that's what you did.
Thanks for explaining "crip," it's good that you changed it, because when I googled it I got other meanings, and I only got the meaning you explained when I put in "disambiguation." So the meaning of some slang words change over time... interesting!
Blessings always, my friend.
- Mary Kay xoxo
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Always a pleasure!
cosmetic [omit: plastic] surgery ... I couldn't keep my stomach from churning [omit comma] until he was safely returned to us.
A boy [omit comma] named Johnathan (sp?) and his old [s/b older] sister, Judy, lived next door. You threatened to dump paint on him [omit comma] if he did stop bothering you.
almost bigger than s/b almost (or nearly) as big as
One reason they wanted him ...
Sugg reword: One reason they wanted him to come was to spread the cost of busing students during breaks.
far from hom [s/b home]
we took the van and the whole family on a trip to see our son off to school.
Sugg: We took the van to drop Don at school. (later sentences clarify it's a family trip)
Been to Hot Springs several times [omit: before]
cave [insert comma] which upsest Connie
[omit: the buildings and] the campus looked
Gave him advise s/b advice
get situated [omit: in his room]
part Indian boy form s/b part-Indian boy from
they were [omit actually] neighbors
We made a phone call to Don, and he seemed happy with his new surroundings. Sugg: We called Don; he seemed happy ...
several girls [omit: t] interested in him. One girl, named Loraine [sp?], was mentioned several time [s/b times]. We were dismayed to learn he had changed the classes [omit comma] I had marked for him to take. He had dropped history and typing was taking auto mechanics and some other crip [?] course
hyphenate 10-hour
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
 |
Always a pleasure!
cosmetic [omit: plastic] surgery ... I couldn't keep my stomach from churning [omit comma] until he was safely returned to us.
A boy [omit comma] named Johnathan (sp?) and his old [s/b older] sister, Judy, lived next door. You threatened to dump paint on him [omit comma] if he did stop bothering you.
almost bigger than s/b almost (or nearly) as big as
One reason they wanted him ...
Sugg reword: One reason they wanted him to come was to spread the cost of busing students during breaks.
far from hom [s/b home]
we took the van and the whole family on a trip to see our son off to school.
Sugg: We took the van to drop Don at school. (later sentences clarify it's a family trip)
Been to Hot Springs several times [omit: before]
cave [insert comma] which upsest Connie
[omit: the buildings and] the campus looked
Gave him advise s/b advice
get situated [omit: in his room]
part Indian boy form s/b part-Indian boy from
they were [omit actually] neighbors
We made a phone call to Don, and he seemed happy with his new surroundings. Sugg: We called Don; he seemed happy ...
several girls [omit: t] interested in him. One girl, named Loraine [sp?], was mentioned several time [s/b times]. We were dismayed to learn he had changed the classes [omit comma] I had marked for him to take. He had dropped history and typing was taking auto mechanics and some other crip [?] course
hyphenate 10-hour
Comment Written 02-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
-
Thank you so much Liz, You are an excellent editor and when I read your suggestion, I realize you are right. Thanks so much for the help, I 've changed it as you suggested.
Beth
Comment from Rosemary wanjiru
Well written. Find memories too. It's heartwarming. A lovely piece. I love the photo. It blends well with the story. A few errors though, 'he wants to attend and boarding school', 'dump paint on him if he did stop bothering you'..the correct word should be didn't
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
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Well written. Find memories too. It's heartwarming. A lovely piece. I love the photo. It blends well with the story. A few errors though, 'he wants to attend and boarding school', 'dump paint on him if he did stop bothering you'..the correct word should be didn't
Comment Written 02-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
-
Thank you so much for the review and lovely comments. Thanks for noticing the errors. I've fixed them.
Beth
Comment from mermaids
The camping sounds like so much fun and it was interesting to read about your son's nose surgery. Your life was so full and interesting. I too, would have liked to see the Passion play.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
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The camping sounds like so much fun and it was interesting to read about your son's nose surgery. Your life was so full and interesting. I too, would have liked to see the Passion play.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for the review and comments. I think I had a pretty good life. Sometimes people says it sounds like I had a lot of problems, but that life. There is always some problems.
Beth
Comment from Jay Squires
This is very warm and conversational. More writers would save themselves a lot of time if they modeled their writing after yours instead of trying to be "writers."
I'm only deducting your star temporarily because of the corrections you'll need to make. But once you make them, let me know and I'll return your star. It makes it uncomfortable to sit!
Here, then are the suggestions and corrections, below.
Roxanne, had been born the same week as her. [... same week as she (if ever in doubt, finish off the sentence with the logical ending. In this case it is, "as she had been." Of course, you wouldn't say, "as her had been.]
he kept bugging you while you were trying to paint the trim [Who does the "you" refer to? Certainly not your 5-year-old Connie. But you don't make it clear.]
but when you saw her running across our yard [again, you used "you".
being that far from hom. [far from HOME.]
They are many country shows to see that weren't there in the 70's. [THERE are many country shows ...]
I'm continuing to recall memories of life with my deceased husband as if I am talking aloud to him. I'm doing this because I want my children to know us as we knew each other and not just as their parents. [This lovely little explanation you should put at the top. Then you won't get ignoramuses like me asking who the "you" is you refer to. LOL, seriously, though, I would suggest that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's your star back. It works much better now!
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
|
This is very warm and conversational. More writers would save themselves a lot of time if they modeled their writing after yours instead of trying to be "writers."
I'm only deducting your star temporarily because of the corrections you'll need to make. But once you make them, let me know and I'll return your star. It makes it uncomfortable to sit!
Here, then are the suggestions and corrections, below.
Roxanne, had been born the same week as her. [... same week as she (if ever in doubt, finish off the sentence with the logical ending. In this case it is, "as she had been." Of course, you wouldn't say, "as her had been.]
he kept bugging you while you were trying to paint the trim [Who does the "you" refer to? Certainly not your 5-year-old Connie. But you don't make it clear.]
but when you saw her running across our yard [again, you used "you".
being that far from hom. [far from HOME.]
They are many country shows to see that weren't there in the 70's. [THERE are many country shows ...]
I'm continuing to recall memories of life with my deceased husband as if I am talking aloud to him. I'm doing this because I want my children to know us as we knew each other and not just as their parents. [This lovely little explanation you should put at the top. Then you won't get ignoramuses like me asking who the "you" is you refer to. LOL, seriously, though, I would suggest that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's your star back. It works much better now!
Comment Written 02-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
-
Thank you so much for review and very thoughtful comments. Your review is very helpful. I made three corrections and I made a note at the top (which is a great idea) to alert new readers to what is meant by addressing some one as "you." Let me know if this works.
Beth
Comment from zanya
Life is full of excitement and a wonderful growing family - reading about those trips is a reminder of how different life was before Covid 19 when we could travel where and when we pleased - an enjoyable read
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
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Life is full of excitement and a wonderful growing family - reading about those trips is a reminder of how different life was before Covid 19 when we could travel where and when we pleased - an enjoyable read
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for the review and for the nice comments. Life is certainly different since the pandemic. I miss the days before the virus changed everyone's life.
Beth
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I remember when my first child left the house. I cried. Greg went into the Army. We had him set up do go to college, but he decided against it. That was 24 years ago. I totally enjoy reading your memiors. They bring back memories.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
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I remember when my first child left the house. I cried. Greg went into the Army. We had him set up do go to college, but he decided against it. That was 24 years ago. I totally enjoy reading your memiors. They bring back memories.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much Barbara. It is hard when we so used to haveing them with us. I'm pretty sure I shed some tears on the way home. I remember crying when Carol entered first grade because my little girl was starting to grow up.
Beth
