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Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Mysterious Lights"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
10 total reviews
Comment from Goodadvicechan
I can follow what is happening in this chapter without knowing what exactly had happened before. The story has nice flow. It draws your attention to find out what they would encounter.
I like it.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2020
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I can follow what is happening in this chapter without knowing what exactly had happened before. The story has nice flow. It draws your attention to find out what they would encounter.
I like it.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2020
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Thank you for your positive review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. If you want to peek at the earlier chapters, go ahead. There is no need for reviews. Just enjoy it.
Comment from RetroStarfish
This chapter makes me want to read what comes before and after. It's well done - although some of the dialogue is a bit clunky. For example, "A pattern has surfaced of increased disappearances of Natives and whites whenever there are large gatherings of men. It seems to occur during motorcycle rallies, hunting season, rodeos and other similar events."
On the other hand, there are some lovely images, such as this one:"
"It's like trying to move through a giant vat of cotton candy but not as sweet."
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2020
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This chapter makes me want to read what comes before and after. It's well done - although some of the dialogue is a bit clunky. For example, "A pattern has surfaced of increased disappearances of Natives and whites whenever there are large gatherings of men. It seems to occur during motorcycle rallies, hunting season, rodeos and other similar events."
On the other hand, there are some lovely images, such as this one:"
"It's like trying to move through a giant vat of cotton candy but not as sweet."
Comment Written 05-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2020
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Thank you for you lovely review. You are welcome to read the previous chapters. They are about us saving 10 Native teens. There is suspense and beauty in most every chapter. No review is necessary. Just enjoy.
Comment from Pantygynt
It is always difficult to write a meaningful review when stepping in to the middle of a longer work for the first time. As an author here on FS I have suffered it from time to time. Consequently, I apologise in advance if what I say here in some way misses the point.
The work is well presented without long blocks of narrative and good use of dialogue. As a purely personal preference I would say that descriptive tags are better placed after the direct speech. In other words the dialogue is more powerful when it opens the paragraph rather than being in the middle of it.
What follows is more a question than a statement.
'...increased disappearances of Natives and whites whenever there are large gatherings of men.' I wondered why Natives is capitalised and whites isn't. I wouldn't have thought either would merit it here.
And again here, where 'native' is an adjective in my book. Even when used as a noun I have never before seen it written as a proper noun. '...easier to target Native children,'
I appreciate there may be a historical reason for this in this story, that I am not privy to, so please accept my apologies. If I have missed that.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2020
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It is always difficult to write a meaningful review when stepping in to the middle of a longer work for the first time. As an author here on FS I have suffered it from time to time. Consequently, I apologise in advance if what I say here in some way misses the point.
The work is well presented without long blocks of narrative and good use of dialogue. As a purely personal preference I would say that descriptive tags are better placed after the direct speech. In other words the dialogue is more powerful when it opens the paragraph rather than being in the middle of it.
What follows is more a question than a statement.
'...increased disappearances of Natives and whites whenever there are large gatherings of men.' I wondered why Natives is capitalised and whites isn't. I wouldn't have thought either would merit it here.
And again here, where 'native' is an adjective in my book. Even when used as a noun I have never before seen it written as a proper noun. '...easier to target Native children,'
I appreciate there may be a historical reason for this in this story, that I am not privy to, so please accept my apologies. If I have missed that.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2020
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Thank you for your helpful review. Native is capitalized in literature I read. It is a matter of honor for me. If you have time you are welcome to read the earlier chapters about rescuing 10 Native teens from trafficking, an epidemic in all tribes. No review is necessary. Just enjoy.
Comment from patw27
I liked this chapter very much. You have a nice way of writing. I can't wait to find out what's causing the flickering lights. It sounds like an awesome scenery, although I'm sure if the lights just came out of no where then it could be cause for alarm. Nice work
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2020
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I liked this chapter very much. You have a nice way of writing. I can't wait to find out what's causing the flickering lights. It sounds like an awesome scenery, although I'm sure if the lights just came out of no where then it could be cause for alarm. Nice work
Comment Written 04-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2020
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. If you want to read some of the previous chapters you do not need to write a review. Just enjoy. Every chapter has suspense. If you want to know the most important ones: Ch 2,3,6,7,10,12,13
Comment from George Santhosh
Wow! I've not been following your novel, this is my first read. There's an eerie feeling in the air which you have created with your words. Good work.
Few corrections:
* that must the bottle that ripped through -> that must 'be' the bottle
* close enough to the house to see the bulb was still burning, -> see that the bulb
* Even though that house is not part of the Reservation. -> I feel that this sentence should be a continuation of the previous one.
* The house is not in the Reservation jurisdiction -> Reservation's
Keep writing,
George
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2020
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Wow! I've not been following your novel, this is my first read. There's an eerie feeling in the air which you have created with your words. Good work.
Few corrections:
* that must the bottle that ripped through -> that must 'be' the bottle
* close enough to the house to see the bulb was still burning, -> see that the bulb
* Even though that house is not part of the Reservation. -> I feel that this sentence should be a continuation of the previous one.
* The house is not in the Reservation jurisdiction -> Reservation's
Keep writing,
George
Comment Written 04-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. I'm glad to know it is having its intended effect. You are welcome to read the previous chapters. there is no need for writing a review. Just enjoy it. If you want to read the most significant ones. Ch. 2,3,6,7,10,12,13. Everyone of the ch are suspenseful.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Well written, with the exception of distracting/unnecessary dialog tags: e.g. Liz sniveled (what does that mean?); Liz seethed ... etc. etc. prayed.
Sugg: remove ALL of these to tighten and keep the reader focused on the compelling narration.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2020
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Well written, with the exception of distracting/unnecessary dialog tags: e.g. Liz sniveled (what does that mean?); Liz seethed ... etc. etc. prayed.
Sugg: remove ALL of these to tighten and keep the reader focused on the compelling narration.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. I will take your suggestions into consideration.
Comment from Mistydawn
Oh, that can't be good. I do hope the find a safe place to hide. Your chapter is well-written, interesting. Your characters are believable. I like how you put in the little fact. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Oh, that can't be good. I do hope the find a safe place to hide. Your chapter is well-written, interesting. Your characters are believable. I like how you put in the little fact. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thank you again for your supportive review. I'm glad it affected you as it did.
Comment from AJ McCall
Hi, Liz!!!! I know it's been some time since I reviewed your work but I've been quite busy and now I'm just getting some time to read and write reviews. I love the story - and this chapter. The way you write a dialogue between your characters is amazing. And I wonder what exactly Linda and Liz are staring at, but I'll have to see in the next chapter!
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Hi, Liz!!!! I know it's been some time since I reviewed your work but I've been quite busy and now I'm just getting some time to read and write reviews. I love the story - and this chapter. The way you write a dialogue between your characters is amazing. And I wonder what exactly Linda and Liz are staring at, but I'll have to see in the next chapter!
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thank you again for your supportive review. I'm glad it affected you as it did. You know you are welcome to just read it & not have to do a review.
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Thank you for letting me know that. And you're very welcome.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This story has grown on me from the very beginning. I've watched the girls mature, watched their good hearts, and been alerted to the sad state of native girls. Wonderful!
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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This story has grown on me from the very beginning. I've watched the girls mature, watched their good hearts, and been alerted to the sad state of native girls. Wonderful!
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thank you again for your supportive review. I'm glad it has affected you as it did.
Comment from lyenochka
I like how you show our heroines wanting justice and praying a "hedge of protection" over the reservation. I hope they will be safe. It's not clear where they are going to.
Comments/Suggestions:
"Look, there's a flickering, glowing red-orange on both sides of the lights." Pointed out Linda. (lights," Linda pointed out.)
"And some of the wavery yellow lights (wavy?)
"This is too much, there are lights up there. (much. There)
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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I like how you show our heroines wanting justice and praying a "hedge of protection" over the reservation. I hope they will be safe. It's not clear where they are going to.
Comments/Suggestions:
"Look, there's a flickering, glowing red-orange on both sides of the lights." Pointed out Linda. (lights," Linda pointed out.)
"And some of the wavery yellow lights (wavy?)
"This is too much, there are lights up there. (much. There)
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. I have received a tutorial on dialogue. I'm sure what their authority is but here is the link:
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
Plus I felt there was such as word. I guess I was not original:
"Wavery definition is - that waves : wavering. Time Traveler for wavery. The first known use of wavery was in 1820. See more words from the same year" (now that would be fascinating.)
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Thanks for sharing the website. I like the sound of "wavery." It just wasn't recognized in this editor.
My last comment was that there were two sentences and you could either use a semicolon or start a new sentence. But it's completely up to you. My first comment was that speech tags even in your website, typically, are considered part of the dialogue sentence. To have "Pointed out Linda" makes me wonder who pointed her out? Again, it could just be me. Keep up the good work!
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I just reread this, so I see what you were pointing out...lol
Pointed out Linda. (lights," Linda pointed out.)
Thank you. It sounds much better.
