Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Betrayal Chapter 11"In the title.
45 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Borras
Hello again! This chapter is so exciting! I'm super interested in Grant's background now, knowing that he was in the SAS (which, btw, thank you for the explanation in your author notes, it saved me a Google). I love that you refer to the voice on the other end of Monica's phone call, but I'm wondering if just calling them "Hollow", rather than "Hollow voice" might flow better? Or even making it "Hollow's voice"? I absolutely love that Monica instantly gave the person a nickname, though. Her character makes me so happy.
Just a couple of tiny things that I noticed... The sentence "Grant asked in a quiet calm manner" could maybe use a comma between quiet and calm. "received a tilted head and shrug back" sounded a little off, when reading it in my head, and I might suggest using "in return" in place of "back". I wonder if the sentence "it wasn't until she'd remembered Grant Blake that it dawned on her that he might know something" might flow better if you removed one of the two 'that's?
I don't know, those are all very small things and probably don't even matter, but you write such a compelling story, I hate to see it hindered by the small things <3
As always, can't wait to read more! I just want to see Monica kick some butt!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Hello again! This chapter is so exciting! I'm super interested in Grant's background now, knowing that he was in the SAS (which, btw, thank you for the explanation in your author notes, it saved me a Google). I love that you refer to the voice on the other end of Monica's phone call, but I'm wondering if just calling them "Hollow", rather than "Hollow voice" might flow better? Or even making it "Hollow's voice"? I absolutely love that Monica instantly gave the person a nickname, though. Her character makes me so happy.
Just a couple of tiny things that I noticed... The sentence "Grant asked in a quiet calm manner" could maybe use a comma between quiet and calm. "received a tilted head and shrug back" sounded a little off, when reading it in my head, and I might suggest using "in return" in place of "back". I wonder if the sentence "it wasn't until she'd remembered Grant Blake that it dawned on her that he might know something" might flow better if you removed one of the two 'that's?
I don't know, those are all very small things and probably don't even matter, but you write such a compelling story, I hate to see it hindered by the small things <3
As always, can't wait to read more! I just want to see Monica kick some butt!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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My dear Jessica, forgive my lateness, it was my son's birthday today and we went over for the day for a family party now that the lockdown had finaly been lifted. Just in time, too!
I don't know where to begin. I can only say thank you so very much for this review and the edits. They are never too small, I much prefer to get it right, than let those things pass. I've copied over all your reviews and will spend to morrow morning on the edits. You are saving me so much work as I'll soon be starting to go through the whole book. It's those little things that really do matter to me. Thank you, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
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Happy happy birthday to your son, I hope it was a great one!
Comment from Begin Again
Actually have to be a little sorry for Grant - every woman who meets him attracts him and blames him in some way. but then you have to love it too! One we go!
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Actually have to be a little sorry for Grant - every woman who meets him attracts him and blames him in some way. but then you have to love it too! One we go!
Comment Written 13-Mar-2021
Comment from DSchlosser
Well, it's not really surprising that the cop acted as he did.
Sucks that Grant can't get any slack from anyone in this book. No errors that I saw in this chapter.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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Well, it's not really surprising that the cop acted as he did.
Sucks that Grant can't get any slack from anyone in this book. No errors that I saw in this chapter.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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No, you're right, it does sound bizzar that's why Hollow Voice wasn't too bothered about searching for Tania. But it was good that Monica had reported it to the police. Thank you for going back and reading this part, David. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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I'm almost completely caught up! I'll probably make one big push in the next couple days and try to get the rest of the chapters read. I've been trying to finish reading another book this week, so my time's been used mostly on that.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
This story is getting better and better. I feel like we need to help Monica find her sister soon. So what do we do to help Grant locate her....do we know what happens before the ending chapter?
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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This story is getting better and better. I feel like we need to help Monica find her sister soon. So what do we do to help Grant locate her....do we know what happens before the ending chapter?
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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Oh yes, you'll know what about that long before the book finishes. Your answer will be answered soon, you've read part 18, things are going to change soon. You are so kind, I'm off to bed now, with a big smile on my face. Thank you, Rosemary. Sending you another hug. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
nice opening couple of paragraphs... the calm before the storm.
I personally would drop 'the' before Social Services. I work with them a lot and no one uses 'the' before them when talking of writing about them in reports.
Monica heard Hollow voice sigh - I would capitalise Voice here as well.(subsequent places too)
Very nice instalment indeed here. The fear and tension is palpable and the ring of characters are converging... building.
Good stuff
G
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Hi Sandra,
nice opening couple of paragraphs... the calm before the storm.
I personally would drop 'the' before Social Services. I work with them a lot and no one uses 'the' before them when talking of writing about them in reports.
Monica heard Hollow voice sigh - I would capitalise Voice here as well.(subsequent places too)
Very nice instalment indeed here. The fear and tension is palpable and the ring of characters are converging... building.
Good stuff
G
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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That didn't take me long, they are all Hollow Voice, lol. Thank you again, dear friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from DeboraDyess
I understand why Nancy Davis helped promote this! Wish I could, too...Maybe soon, when I start getting a bit ahead here. lol
reluctantly surrended to the will of her >> reluctantly surrendered to the will of her
luxuriating in those drowsy, quiet moments before the world awoke >>Love it! And love the 'bubbling over' emotions that Monica feels -- well described!
A forlorn whimper clawed its way out from deep within. I >> GREAT sentence!
relationship being each other's best forever >> I feel like there should be some punctuation after 'relationship'. A comma? An en dash? Not sure...Ah! Maybe an ellipse!
Monica heard Hollow voice sigh. >> Nice to give 'Hollow Voice' a monicre rather than justuse a pronoun! But cap the V in voice, too. :)
Of course, you stupid woman!' >> I assume you're talking about the your fault, Blake comment, but I'd clarify.
What did you want to see me about, that was >> Is this comma necessary? Not sure...
OOOhhhh, such a great chapter! And what a good ending!
There are lots of exclamation points in this review, I realize. I have a writing prof once who said they are like ADHD kids at a party -- one or two are fine, but a whole roomful would do you in. I always remember that and rarely use them. But This!! So good!
Okay, foraging on!
Deb
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2020
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I understand why Nancy Davis helped promote this! Wish I could, too...Maybe soon, when I start getting a bit ahead here. lol
reluctantly surrended to the will of her >> reluctantly surrendered to the will of her
luxuriating in those drowsy, quiet moments before the world awoke >>Love it! And love the 'bubbling over' emotions that Monica feels -- well described!
A forlorn whimper clawed its way out from deep within. I >> GREAT sentence!
relationship being each other's best forever >> I feel like there should be some punctuation after 'relationship'. A comma? An en dash? Not sure...Ah! Maybe an ellipse!
Monica heard Hollow voice sigh. >> Nice to give 'Hollow Voice' a monicre rather than justuse a pronoun! But cap the V in voice, too. :)
Of course, you stupid woman!' >> I assume you're talking about the your fault, Blake comment, but I'd clarify.
What did you want to see me about, that was >> Is this comma necessary? Not sure...
OOOhhhh, such a great chapter! And what a good ending!
There are lots of exclamation points in this review, I realize. I have a writing prof once who said they are like ADHD kids at a party -- one or two are fine, but a whole roomful would do you in. I always remember that and rarely use them. But This!! So good!
Okay, foraging on!
Deb
Comment Written 30-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2020
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You are such a lovely lady! Thank you so very much for this amazing review, and the shiny six stars! I've made those changes and clarified that sentence on my MS Word document, and will go through it all here as well. Thank you again, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
Another tense chapter in Betrayal will have readers talking to the pages of the book telling Monica to keep pressing the "infamous Mr Blake."
Excellent section revealing the relationship between Tania and Monica.
I'm sure the police will be very unhappy at their portrayal in this chapter. Maybe Monica should have brought that shoe with her. What woman would leave one shoe behind. Men are so thick!
We'll soon learn how significant family ties are when Grant learns what Colin
(that thieving, toad-faced rat) has done. Perhaps he could simply call him.
Great chapter. I'm a bit behind in reviewing. :)
Best wishes to all.
Robert
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2020
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Hello Sandra,
Another tense chapter in Betrayal will have readers talking to the pages of the book telling Monica to keep pressing the "infamous Mr Blake."
Excellent section revealing the relationship between Tania and Monica.
I'm sure the police will be very unhappy at their portrayal in this chapter. Maybe Monica should have brought that shoe with her. What woman would leave one shoe behind. Men are so thick!
We'll soon learn how significant family ties are when Grant learns what Colin
(that thieving, toad-faced rat) has done. Perhaps he could simply call him.
Great chapter. I'm a bit behind in reviewing. :)
Best wishes to all.
Robert
Comment Written 12-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2020
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I missed out with the shoe. I'm going to add to this chapter once I've thought of a way to bring it in and still get to where I want it to go.
Thank you so very much for this lovely review, Robert, and all those lovely stars. The talk between Grant and Monica comes tomorrow, and then in the following part, we will learn where Tania is. The problem is, we'll be almost on top of Christmas, and I'm wondering how many Fanstorians will still be on site! Hmmm.
I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part, my friend. Thank you. Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from alexisleech
Good thinking, Monica! Blake will probably do a lot more than the police when it comes to finding Tania. I can't wait to find out how you manoeuvre the situation now. Meanwhile, what's happened to Tania, and where has the scumbag taken her? Now on tender hooks till you post again!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2020
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Good thinking, Monica! Blake will probably do a lot more than the police when it comes to finding Tania. I can't wait to find out how you manoeuvre the situation now. Meanwhile, what's happened to Tania, and where has the scumbag taken her? Now on tender hooks till you post again!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 09-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much, Alexis, for this lovely review and all the golden stars. Yes, Monica and Blake will be having a good natter, and hopefully, they can come up with a plan. Warm hugs, my wonderful friends. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from AnnieDawn
This may be the first of your chapters that I have read and it is a very smooth and interesting chapter. It holds the attention and the characters are strong and carried out well in the plot. I found no errors. Great job and I hope to run into more of your work.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2020
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This may be the first of your chapters that I have read and it is a very smooth and interesting chapter. It holds the attention and the characters are strong and carried out well in the plot. I found no errors. Great job and I hope to run into more of your work.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2020
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Hi Annie, thank you so much for reading this part, it's very encouraging to read you enjoyed it. I do hope you continue to follow the story. It would be so nice to read your comments. Warm hugs, and have a lovely day. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Here we go again, Sandra. This is another fine chapter and will eventually get to the bottom of why Tania is missing. Grant Blake knows very well what she is referring to and has the sinking feeling of who is to blame.
Ralf
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2020
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Here we go again, Sandra. This is another fine chapter and will eventually get to the bottom of why Tania is missing. Grant Blake knows very well what she is referring to and has the sinking feeling of who is to blame.
Ralf
Comment Written 08-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for this lovely review, Ralf. You're right about Grant, and that sinking feeling is going to get deeper by the time Monica has finished telling him. Have a lovely week, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
