Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Betrayal Chapter 13"In the title.
42 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Borras
Ohhh, the suspense is building, and Tania is in trouble! I'm so nervous for her! This is such a great chapter! Tiny, tiny, tiny suggestions... I would suggest taking the question mark out, where Tania says "you disgusting creature?", but only because I imagine she's telling him this, rather than asking. And I thiiiink the so in "so concentrated on slowing her breathing" is supposed to be she?
"That was the easy part. You were fasto by the time I put you in the car." could just be slang that I'm unaware of... Fasto? I googled it, but didn't find anything... Then again, I'm all for creating your own slang as a writer...
Also, I love, love, LOVE the phrase "but her legs had been robbed of their bones". I don't know why, it just gave an amazing imagery of how wobbly her legs were. Great chapter!!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Ohhh, the suspense is building, and Tania is in trouble! I'm so nervous for her! This is such a great chapter! Tiny, tiny, tiny suggestions... I would suggest taking the question mark out, where Tania says "you disgusting creature?", but only because I imagine she's telling him this, rather than asking. And I thiiiink the so in "so concentrated on slowing her breathing" is supposed to be she?
"That was the easy part. You were fasto by the time I put you in the car." could just be slang that I'm unaware of... Fasto? I googled it, but didn't find anything... Then again, I'm all for creating your own slang as a writer...
Also, I love, love, LOVE the phrase "but her legs had been robbed of their bones". I don't know why, it just gave an amazing imagery of how wobbly her legs were. Great chapter!!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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That '?' shouldn't be there! Lol, that will go immediately, and the 'so'. Fasto is a slang word for fast asleep. Thank you my wonderful friend, for another really great, helpful review, and, WOW!! A SIX! That is so very kind of you!!!! Thank you! (No publisher would like all those apostrophys! LOL More hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Begin Again
Wow...this creep is going to more than just a little trouble. I think he has worse things in mind if he doesn't get his way and even if he does. Smiles!
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Wow...this creep is going to more than just a little trouble. I think he has worse things in mind if he doesn't get his way and even if he does. Smiles!
Comment Written 13-Mar-2021
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
How long will it be before he lets her go home? What a frightening fellow she knew but really did not know ever. I just hope that he does not hurt her and will let go of her....
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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How long will it be before he lets her go home? What a frightening fellow she knew but really did not know ever. I just hope that he does not hurt her and will let go of her....
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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Are you going backwards now!! LOL. Thank you, my wonderful friend! :)) Sandra xxx
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Love your story. I hope they find her in time.....life is pretty precious.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
the tension is fairly ramping up now. High stakes indeed.
In the opening segments here, you're switching between the two points of view rapidly. Something to watch for. It switches from Colin, to Grant, then to Colin and then to Tania and back. I'm just worried it's too many at any given time.
Now wide awake, she became aware of her strange surroundings. - I'm not so sure she'd be wide-awake following a drug which knocked her out for that length of time.
when you went to the ladies room. - ladies' room.
Or is this another of your lies? I mean to say, you've told me enough over the last year.' - I'm very confused about the timelines. I'm sure it stated in previous chapters it had been years since they'd seen each other.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Hi Sandra,
the tension is fairly ramping up now. High stakes indeed.
In the opening segments here, you're switching between the two points of view rapidly. Something to watch for. It switches from Colin, to Grant, then to Colin and then to Tania and back. I'm just worried it's too many at any given time.
Now wide awake, she became aware of her strange surroundings. - I'm not so sure she'd be wide-awake following a drug which knocked her out for that length of time.
when you went to the ladies room. - ladies' room.
Or is this another of your lies? I mean to say, you've told me enough over the last year.' - I'm very confused about the timelines. I'm sure it stated in previous chapters it had been years since they'd seen each other.
All the best
G
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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I'll sort that first part out, I've an idea how to do it. And the confusion about...
Or is this another of your lies? (I mean to say, you've told me enough over the last year.') -I've deleted it from ...your lies?' Leaving it at that.
I've also changed the part about being 'wide awake,'
This is all being done on my MS Word docs, I can see what I'm doing that way.
If I could pop over and give you a hug in person, I would. Thank you again, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from DeboraDyess
Tania opened her eyes, and groaned. >> No comma needed
up to her brow, and gr >> Same here
Tania attempted to stand, but her legs had been robbed of their bones. >> NIce!
Love the word 'fasto'!
My only suggestion is to put some breaks in the dialogue stretch. Let the reader know if Collin's eyes narrow, or if Tania unwillinglypulls back on the bed away from him. Things like that will make it feel more like a 'watching' experience, I think.
Love it! I think I'm about caught up now. Can't wait for the next bit!
Blessings and Happy New Year,
Debs
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2020
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Tania opened her eyes, and groaned. >> No comma needed
up to her brow, and gr >> Same here
Tania attempted to stand, but her legs had been robbed of their bones. >> NIce!
Love the word 'fasto'!
My only suggestion is to put some breaks in the dialogue stretch. Let the reader know if Collin's eyes narrow, or if Tania unwillinglypulls back on the bed away from him. Things like that will make it feel more like a 'watching' experience, I think.
Love it! I think I'm about caught up now. Can't wait for the next bit!
Blessings and Happy New Year,
Debs
Comment Written 31-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2020
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I think you're caught up, did you read part 14? I'll have to have a look. I think it's still on here, so if you haven't you could get paid!! Thank you so much for all your time you've taken. I'm going to work on the conversations now and add some action. Thank you for that. Have a wonderful New Year, my dear friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
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Sandra, some books I read for payment. Yours I read for pleasure.
And the cover art is awesome! Are you going to use it for the book cover? It works so well! I need to get a cover for Orion and am not sure quite what direction to go. I like your cover -- the background and the faces front and center. I may see about doing something like that...
Blessings!
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Yes. That is my cover, it's my stepson and his fiance on the cover. I thought they looked the part well! I'm glad you liked it. :)) xxxx
Comment from AnnieDawn
Very, very good. This is one of the best written chapters that I have read on this site. You have a great talent for setting the scene and carrying out the characters well in it. Great job. Happy holidays.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2020
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Very, very good. This is one of the best written chapters that I have read on this site. You have a great talent for setting the scene and carrying out the characters well in it. Great job. Happy holidays.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2020
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What a really lovely thing to say, thank you so very much, Annie. I'm so pleased you enjoyed reading this part. Have a lovely holiday, and a healthy, virus-free 2021. :) Sandra xx
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This chapter 13 of the fiction speaks a fairly drafted taletelling as the search goes on, with fast forward plot development in progression to discover the truth and it ends with a curious challenge; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2020
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This chapter 13 of the fiction speaks a fairly drafted taletelling as the search goes on, with fast forward plot development in progression to discover the truth and it ends with a curious challenge; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 23-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2020
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Aw, thank you for another of your lovely reviews, Alcreator, I really do appreciate your comments. Have a wonderful Chrismas holiday, my friend, and a much nicer 2021. :) xxx
Comment from Jasmine Girl
Wow. Tania must have the best design in the world. Otherwise why would Colin wants it so badly? He even risks committing a crime to steal the laptop. It's too bad he doesn't have the password. He should hire a hacker or offer Tania a big sum of money.
Well done.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2020
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Wow. Tania must have the best design in the world. Otherwise why would Colin wants it so badly? He even risks committing a crime to steal the laptop. It's too bad he doesn't have the password. He should hire a hacker or offer Tania a big sum of money.
Well done.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2020
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Colin has stolen many of Tania's plans, and passed them off as his own, most to his unsuspecting half-brother. He was able to get into her laptop when they were seeing each other, but when she found out what he was up to, she told him politely to get lost. Now his half-brother, Grant, has found out, and without Colin knowing, he's set a trap for him. Trouble is, he didn't know that Tania had as well. Tania just wants to make her name in architecture, and Colin has just about ruined that for her. So, we wait to see what happens next. Thank you, Lisa, for reading this part and your lovely review. Have a wonderful Christmas, and a much nice 2021. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from mmayen
This is my first reading of your book and I'm loving it. Thank you for adding the extra info at the end, it was very helpful.
It's obvious that there's mistrust between the parties involved
I'm wondering if you meant to say '...if I don't give you...' in this paragraph. Tania shuddered. 'What would you do then? I mean, what would you do to me if I gave you my new password?'
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2020
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This is my first reading of your book and I'm loving it. Thank you for adding the extra info at the end, it was very helpful.
It's obvious that there's mistrust between the parties involved
I'm wondering if you meant to say '...if I don't give you...' in this paragraph. Tania shuddered. 'What would you do then? I mean, what would you do to me if I gave you my new password?'
Comment Written 22-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2020
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Hi there, thank you so much for reading this part, I'm delighted you were able to pick up the story, that is so encouraging. I'll be so pleased to have you continue reading and offering your thoughts. Have a wonderful Christmas, and a much nicer 2021. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from alexisleech
Shudder! You set the scene so well, I was in the room with them as Colin tried to intimidate Tanya into giving him the password. No nits that I could see, but I was racing down the page so fast, I wouldn't have noticed if there was! I can't wait to read on.
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2020
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Shudder! You set the scene so well, I was in the room with them as Colin tried to intimidate Tanya into giving him the password. No nits that I could see, but I was racing down the page so fast, I wouldn't have noticed if there was! I can't wait to read on.
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 22-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2020
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Aw, thank you, Alexis, for another of your fabulous reviews. You know how much I appreciate your thoughts on my story. Thank you for the six stars, as well, I'm sending you a humongous hug, my friend. Have a wonderful Christmas, and a brilliant 2021! Lots of love, Sandra xxxx
