Disillusioned
Just saying11 total reviews
Comment from T.E. Loper
This work would have made a clever statement had the unintentional, sarcastic conceit found in that first couplet been developed and extended, viz., the lies, corruption, incompetence, and narcissistic bullying found in the Trump administration has brought this once-great country to Hell. The couplets that follow, however (while in (mostly) iambic pentameter, but like this administration, are sometimes charlatans), eschew truth. While your author's note denies it, this light-hearted poem devoid of feeling is an offense to our shattered lives, our broken dreams, and the souls of the dead. Ask those dead of their opinion, then understand the silence that follows. The iambic pentameter has a competent flow, despite some minor hiccups. I wish I got a better sense of how you really feel (the point of the prompt), but perhaps all the reader is meant to glean from the poem is your distant nonchalance. If that was the goal, well done.
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reply by the author on 26-Dec-2020
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This work would have made a clever statement had the unintentional, sarcastic conceit found in that first couplet been developed and extended, viz., the lies, corruption, incompetence, and narcissistic bullying found in the Trump administration has brought this once-great country to Hell. The couplets that follow, however (while in (mostly) iambic pentameter, but like this administration, are sometimes charlatans), eschew truth. While your author's note denies it, this light-hearted poem devoid of feeling is an offense to our shattered lives, our broken dreams, and the souls of the dead. Ask those dead of their opinion, then understand the silence that follows. The iambic pentameter has a competent flow, despite some minor hiccups. I wish I got a better sense of how you really feel (the point of the prompt), but perhaps all the reader is meant to glean from the poem is your distant nonchalance. If that was the goal, well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2020
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Thank you for reviewing, I appreciate your honesty. I truly meant everything I said and don't believe I was being nonchalant. I feel very deeply that Trump was a good president and that there was corruption in this past election. However, I love this country and will he rooting for Joe Biden to succeed.
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I wish I had gotten that deep feeling of admiration for a job well done from your poem, but the passion's not there. What I found was only a continuation of what this entire administration has been built on: nonchalant insults and attacks on any and all who disagree with Trump, and a shrugging off of reality, a reality that has killed hundreds of thousands of Americans who also loved their country, a reality that was denied by Trump from the start as he sought to downplay the crisis. You may say in your reply just now that you will be rooting for President Biden, but your poem exposes the truth of your feelings towards the President-elect.
Understand, I don't really care about your politics in this venue; I'm interested in critiquing your work vis-á-vis the prompt. The use of iambic pentameter gives the poem an easy cadence. That kind of attention to poetic detail always helps, always aids the casual reader in their enjoyment of the poem. A poem has a better chance of getting its message across if it doesn't get tangled up in its own metrical feet. You deserve praise for successfully attending to the poetics here. I'm just trying to figure out why I didn't pick up on your deep feelings about Trump.
For me, the nonchalant tone is established right at the start with the cliché "hell in a handbasket." You then spend the next six couplets deriding and name-calling Trump's opponents, in the same school-yard way as Trump. It trivializes any passion that you're trying to convey, not to mention it seems to blame Trump's opponents for our current ride in said handbasket. This connection is never made clear in the poem. Also, you list four things you claim Trump has done, but that's really all you do. There's no passion in the list, no glorification of deeds done, or victories won, only a list which has itself become a cliché. You spend 21 couplets insulting Trumps opponents and five on Trump's accomplishments. This, I think, is the main problem the poem has in delivering passion for Trump. Inverting that ratio might help to convey the message you thought you were conveying.
But you know what's best about all this? No matter what, our passions are motivated by our love of this country, a nation that allows this kind of free discourse. That much at least I get, and it's clear you feel the same way. I think you have the talent to produce a much more passionate work, one that expresses your deep appreciation for what Trump has (allegedly) done.
"Please forgive warranted interruption, crossing in mist." ~ Le Guin: "The Lathe of Heaven"
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Any suggestions for how I could fix my iambic pentameter? 🙂
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First, congratulations on first place! I'm of course sad that a poem that follows the pattern we've endured for the past four years, that of name-calling and derision, has won, but I'm pleased that this will be replaced with the reality approaching on January 20th.
When I write a critique, it's in the spirit of trying to make us all better poets and writers. I asked myself why I'm not connecting with this poem, why I'm not getting the deep feelings the you say you have. Was it because of the politics or the poetry? Both? My previous replies addressed this.
As I said, the meter is fine; it's the lack of feeling that I notice. For me, the depth of feeling is established in the first line of your poem. When I read that first couplet, I immediately see a cliché: "justa guy," an "average joe," trying to say something, but not exactly knowing how. He wants what he says to be provocative, and it is (even though your author's note says you don't wish to be so), but it comes off as shallow. It's said in the past tense, not realizing or simply ignoring the fact that a leader has brought us to this Hell. If you feel deeply that Trump has done a good job, how does this couplet support that? Were we to "go and ask it", the majority will say, AND HAVE JUST SAID, Yes!--the country has indeed gone to Hell, and the leader who's put us in this basket is Trump!
The meter is fine; the feeling from the poet is missing for me. Just saying.
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HI Loper and thanks for the congratulations. I also want to extend congratulations to you for your second place finish. I think that your poem is very powerful and skillfully written. I have no problem acknowledging that, despite our disagreement when it comes to Trump. I only asked for suggestions about how to improve the meter because in your original review you stated that it was off in some places. Now you say it is fine, that's good to know. I am always open for suggestions on how to improve my writing, it is one of the reasons I joined this site. It's unfortunate that you're missing the feeling from the poem. But if art pleased everyone, it wouldn't be art. It is meant as a satirical piece to call out those I believe to be corrupt.
satire
[ˈsaˌtī(ə)r]
NOUN
the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
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Oh gosh, please call me Tom! It's like when someone calls me Mr. Loper: to this day, I still look around for my dad!
You're right about some art not pleasing everyone. I think satire works best when it exposes lies, not truth, don't you? Put another way, why is it so much easier to effectively satirize Trump than Biden?
You asked about the meter, so hold on! The meter used in your piece seems haphazard to me, meaning that you haven't really thought about how the poem would benefit by changing the metrical pattern in a line: it's just the way the words got squeezed or stretched into the line. Let's start with first line. I would scan this as:
iamb|caesura|trochee|trochee|dactyl|dactyl
(u) /||/ u | / u | / u u| / u u
This country's gone to hell in a handbasket,
or
iamb|iamb|iamb|pyrrhic||dactyl
u / | u / | u / | u u | / u u
This country's gone to hell in a handbasket,
How would you, as the author, scan this line? How did you intend for it to be read? And was there method in your choice of the metrical feet that form the line?
The second line of the opening couplet establishes the meter: iambic pentameter, with an extra, unaccented syllable at the end. Was this deliberate? You use feminine endings in a third of the lines.
The second, third and fourth couplets flow along nicely in near-strict meter. Then we reach the fifth couplet. If you were to drop "Meanwhile" I think it would help to eliminate the sixth foot as it's currently written. In the sixth couplet, the second line has the same problem of too many feet, unless you meant for "has" to be read as an unaccented syllable, which seems un-natural, in which case I'd ask why do this?
The first line of the eighth couplet forces the reader to begin the line with an unaccented "All" to force the correct meter, otherwise there are too many feet. This doesn't work to my ear, as "All" needs to remain strong here, right? We have the same situation in the next couplet, where "Now" wants to be accented in a natural reading. (I don't think you need the comma in line 2 of this couplet.) I also note that the first two mentions of Trump in the poem are unaccented, implying weakness. When you do use Trump's full name in the first line of the twelfth couplet, it's in a line with too many feet. I would love to think this was a deliberate poetic tool used to accentuate the chaos Trump produces, but I feel I'm wrong about this: you're attempting to satirize Trump's opponents, not Trump. Dropping his first name here solves the meter problem, but dropping his first name is less respectful.
The first line of the fifteenth couplet has too many feet; you could try something like, "Inside his basement Biden hid secured," This creates an alliteration that hints at bumbling. The second line of the sixteenth couplet also has too many footsies. Maybe, "It seems the dead had come to vote that day."
Enough. These details, for the average reader, remain hidden. However, poetic tools can add great power in the background, often going unnoticed until a careful reading is made. It's when these tools are discovered that the poem becomes more powerful. For instance, one could say that the many feminine endings in your lines could point to a decline of country, but because of the loose and sometimes flawed meter, this idea is more likely just an accident, and in any case not developed in any meaningful way.
Forgive my pedantic manner; it annoys people, and it annoys me, but, to quote Trump, "It is what it is." By the way, it's cold, narcissistic, unfeeling quotes such as that one that damage your satire. You're trying to defend demonstrably disastrous leadership by satirizing those who Trump would call his enemies. Trump would not see the satire here--it's simply his misguided truth. Your sanitization is an attempt to support lies in the face of a deadly crisis, and coldly ignores the hundreds of thousands of people who've died from a virus Trump's lack of leadership has failed against, and that he has downplayed from the start. And it's for that reason, admittedly one that affects me personally, that I so object to your poem. You say you don't mean to offend, but you support deadly lies as truth in your attempt at misplaced humor that comes off as cold and nonchalant.
I wanted your poem to communicate passion for a president who's done a great job. This is impossible to do, of course, without denying truth. So instead, you resort to satire to deflect from that impossibility. So you're right: this country HAS gone to Hell in a handbasket, but you refuse to see is that it's being carried by Trump.
Comment from Becky Kern-Taylor
I completely agree with you, but are we really in the minority??? If we are I am very sad because our Republic is done for. We know that they cheated, democrats do that all the time, I know this because I live in a democratic city and county. I have lived with it all of my adult life. I know many democrats and I have asked them if they think cheating is the right thing to do, their answer, if we win you bet it is. These are religious prominent people. I just don't get it. Can't wait till I get to heaven and discuss this with God. I do not like everything about our President but L know he loves our country.
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2020
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I completely agree with you, but are we really in the minority??? If we are I am very sad because our Republic is done for. We know that they cheated, democrats do that all the time, I know this because I live in a democratic city and county. I have lived with it all of my adult life. I know many democrats and I have asked them if they think cheating is the right thing to do, their answer, if we win you bet it is. These are religious prominent people. I just don't get it. Can't wait till I get to heaven and discuss this with God. I do not like everything about our President but L know he loves our country.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2020
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I agree with you one hundred percent. The president put this country first and I'm sorry he won't be in office to help us out. We'll have to see what happens. Thanks so much for this exceptional review and I hope you and your family have a safe and happy New Year. :)
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Fun Person,
I wasn't offended in the least but instead thought this was pretty stinking funny and horribly on point. *smile* I think you have sung the song pretty correctly.
BTW, on a happy note - did you hear Biden this morning calling Peter Doocy of Fox News 'a one horse pony'?
We're all trying to figure out what that is.... What's next, Joe?
--> The job(s) not taken by all the illegal(s),
will fly to China on the wings of eagles.
--> The factories where American(s) make their livin'
to Chinese workers, soon will all be given.
--> These are all plurals not possessives
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2020
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Dear Mystery Fun Person,
I wasn't offended in the least but instead thought this was pretty stinking funny and horribly on point. *smile* I think you have sung the song pretty correctly.
BTW, on a happy note - did you hear Biden this morning calling Peter Doocy of Fox News 'a one horse pony'?
We're all trying to figure out what that is.... What's next, Joe?
--> The job(s) not taken by all the illegal(s),
will fly to China on the wings of eagles.
--> The factories where American(s) make their livin'
to Chinese workers, soon will all be given.
--> These are all plurals not possessives
Comment Written 23-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2020
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Thank you for letting me know about my grammatical errors...I never was very good at that. I didn't see that clip about "the one horse pony" but I looked it up right away...it's both hilarious and sad. Thanks so much, and have a wonderful holiday. :)
Comment from Susan Louise Gabriel
I totally agree with you and think you've hit all the points! It's so hard not to just want to throw up your hands in disgust and leave the country. I'm just waiting though, to see what happens when so many Americans have been cheated out of a free and fair election??
Thank you for expressing your thoughts and for sharing!
Susan
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2020
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I totally agree with you and think you've hit all the points! It's so hard not to just want to throw up your hands in disgust and leave the country. I'm just waiting though, to see what happens when so many Americans have been cheated out of a free and fair election??
Thank you for expressing your thoughts and for sharing!
Susan
Comment Written 22-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2020
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Thank you for agreeing with me and for reading my poem. I probably could have went on and on, this election drove me crazy. Thank you again for reading and for your supportive comments. Happy holidays. :)
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It's still driving me crazy too!! I keep praying that it's still not too late!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem about how you feel about the election and the near future of the country. I hope and pray with you that they will not too much damage, because they never do anything good anyway.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2020
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A very well-written poem about how you feel about the election and the near future of the country. I hope and pray with you that they will not too much damage, because they never do anything good anyway.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2020
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Thank you, I of course agree with you. I appreciate you reading my poem...have a wonderful holiday. :)
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I have never known such discontent in the history of America. You are in need of a damn good president, but alas they seem to be thin on the ground just now and you have and old coot with old ideas and someone who is on his last legs, a sinking ship without a paddle. I feel your fear here and when you lot go down, we go down with you. The future looks uncertain and you what yo have listed here should be sent to the White House! A poignant write, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2020
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I have never known such discontent in the history of America. You are in need of a damn good president, but alas they seem to be thin on the ground just now and you have and old coot with old ideas and someone who is on his last legs, a sinking ship without a paddle. I feel your fear here and when you lot go down, we go down with you. The future looks uncertain and you what yo have listed here should be sent to the White House! A poignant write, love Dolly x
Comment Written 22-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2020
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Thanks for reading, I'm very concerned about what the future holds. I'm glad that you agree. Have a happy holiday. :)
Comment from Lucy de Welles
Very well written.
Easy to read. Like the two-line stanzas.
Lots of good points made here.
Dynamite art and colors used.
Clearly presented point of view.
Maybe we should start learning our Mandarin.
Well done!
Lucy
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2020
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Very well written.
Easy to read. Like the two-line stanzas.
Lots of good points made here.
Dynamite art and colors used.
Clearly presented point of view.
Maybe we should start learning our Mandarin.
Well done!
Lucy
Comment Written 21-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2020
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Maybe..lol. Thank you for this great review....changed my mind NEVER! I appreciate you reading my poem, have a happy holiday.:)
Comment from LyndaS
I'm giving you a sixer on this for leaving no stone unturned. HAHA! This is very well done and says everything I think. I'm worried about Kamala as well. It's only a matter of time. Usually long poems lose me but this one was great and held my attention right down to the end. Thanks for wearing the hat and laying it all out there. Pay no heed to the crap left reviews you're going to get on this. There are still some sane poets on here. Well done!! Lynda
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2020
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I'm giving you a sixer on this for leaving no stone unturned. HAHA! This is very well done and says everything I think. I'm worried about Kamala as well. It's only a matter of time. Usually long poems lose me but this one was great and held my attention right down to the end. Thanks for wearing the hat and laying it all out there. Pay no heed to the crap left reviews you're going to get on this. There are still some sane poets on here. Well done!! Lynda
Comment Written 21-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2020
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Thank you for reading my poem, it was good to get that off my chest. I hope you and your family have a very happy holiday. :)
Comment from Susan X Smith
I am giving you a positive rating because I enjoyed reading this fun post, which expresses your sentiments in a humorous manner. I don't agree with your politics, rather I agree with the voter who said he would vote for a tuna fish sandwich before he would vote for Trump. Anyway, let's agree to disagree, in the true holiday spirit.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2020
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I am giving you a positive rating because I enjoyed reading this fun post, which expresses your sentiments in a humorous manner. I don't agree with your politics, rather I agree with the voter who said he would vote for a tuna fish sandwich before he would vote for Trump. Anyway, let's agree to disagree, in the true holiday spirit.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2020
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Thank you, I appreciate everyone's viewpoint and just find it interesting. I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday. :)
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I love your poem in my heart it represents the truth, so you got my vote. "Meanwhile, China plans to hold a celebration,
when crooked Joe let's them control our nation.
Because of the corruption that's transpired,
China has the dirt on him that they required." I am not in USA but our trade depends on it so I don't like Sleepy Jo, still praying for a miracle:)
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2020
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I love your poem in my heart it represents the truth, so you got my vote. "Meanwhile, China plans to hold a celebration,
when crooked Joe let's them control our nation.
Because of the corruption that's transpired,
China has the dirt on him that they required." I am not in USA but our trade depends on it so I don't like Sleepy Jo, still praying for a miracle:)
Comment Written 21-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2020
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Thank you for this positive review, I'm glad we agree. If I may ask, where are you from? Just curious. Thanks again. :)
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Originally from Romania, now I'm your neighbour up north/Canada
