Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Betrayal Chapter 15"In the title.
40 total reviews
Comment from Begin Again
Well, they are on the hunt! Monica may have failed as the next detective in waiting, but looks like there might be a little warmth growing between Monica and her new friend.
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Well, they are on the hunt! Monica may have failed as the next detective in waiting, but looks like there might be a little warmth growing between Monica and her new friend.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2021
Comment from DSchlosser
I had a feeling one of Grant's men was behind Monica when they had a gun to her. Is "beat hell" another difference in terms for the UK? It looked like a stumble on Monica's part after Grant reflected back on her quote. We don't shorten it here with "the" in the middle.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2021
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I had a feeling one of Grant's men was behind Monica when they had a gun to her. Is "beat hell" another difference in terms for the UK? It looked like a stumble on Monica's part after Grant reflected back on her quote. We don't shorten it here with "the" in the middle.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2021
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Hi David, people here say it both ways. Both are right. You are the first to pick up on that. :) Thank you for another lovely review, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
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It really helps when I get to read literature from different countries. I get to learn a lot. Maybe I need to brush up on my French and see what sort of sland changes have been made since I was taught the language a long time ago.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
A scare and another scare for a friend named Monica. I will never figure out how some women will be detectives when a man is dangerous. It is best to just walk away from a situation sometimes.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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A scare and another scare for a friend named Monica. I will never figure out how some women will be detectives when a man is dangerous. It is best to just walk away from a situation sometimes.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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Thank you so very much, Rosemary! My word you have done a lot of reading today. I agree with you, I might have walked away, but Monica is Tania's big foster sister, and loves her dearly. She won't give up. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Excellent post here. Monica definitely manages to get herself into some predicament. that's a friend and no mistake. perhaps a little romance on the horizon?
Good stuff
G
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Hi Sandra,
Excellent post here. Monica definitely manages to get herself into some predicament. that's a friend and no mistake. perhaps a little romance on the horizon?
Good stuff
G
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Can't have a story without a bit of romance in it, can we? lol.
Gareth, you are the best. I'll never forget what an amazing friend you've been to me. Thank you. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from DeboraDyess
And NOW I can read Betrayed. lol
Boosted by this decision, an idea that had been in her mind since leaving the police station, had her leaping into action. >> This sounded odd to me. When read without the section inside the commas, it reads fine. But with the inserted bit it just feels ... not-quite-right. Maybe it's because I have the computer read to me as I follow. Read it aloud and see what you think.
difficult to see who it was in the car >> difficult to see who was in the car >> No need for the extra words
'Oh, my goodness' made me smile. That's what I say! One of my dearest friends says, 'Oh my goodness gracious, golly gosh!' lol. I love it when she says that!
WHAT!!!??? What are you doing here, Sandra!?
looed down at her from the height of a mountain -- GREAT!!! I've looked up at my 'baby boy' and felt that way. What a great description!
'Move,' he told her >> Since he just 'told her' in the previous sentence, I'd change this to avoid repetition.
Relief and shock collided head-on, creating havoc with her sensory system. >> Great sentence!
YOu say 'gun' a lot. I had this issue with Orion. You can substitute 'weapon' or google different types of guns. I gave my guys a Browning revolver and, maybe...Oh, who knows! We only have ever had rifles to shoot snakes and a very small handgun that was my mother-in-laws. Crazy thing is...the one time we had a break-in and our daughter cried out for help, we ran down the hall unarmed. Fat lot of good weapons did us! But he ran, the police responded and he's where he belongs for a very long time! Anyway, back to topic, I'd substitute 'weapon', 'revolver' or the name of a brand of guns once in a while, especially if you're going to use the word more than in this segment. Just a thought! :)
Another wonderful read, Sandra. There are some phrasing things that I believe are the difference between Texas and England, so I'm not going to waste any time pointing them out. I love the word 'niggling'. :)
Incredible!
Blessings,
Debs
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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And NOW I can read Betrayed. lol
Boosted by this decision, an idea that had been in her mind since leaving the police station, had her leaping into action. >> This sounded odd to me. When read without the section inside the commas, it reads fine. But with the inserted bit it just feels ... not-quite-right. Maybe it's because I have the computer read to me as I follow. Read it aloud and see what you think.
difficult to see who it was in the car >> difficult to see who was in the car >> No need for the extra words
'Oh, my goodness' made me smile. That's what I say! One of my dearest friends says, 'Oh my goodness gracious, golly gosh!' lol. I love it when she says that!
WHAT!!!??? What are you doing here, Sandra!?
looed down at her from the height of a mountain -- GREAT!!! I've looked up at my 'baby boy' and felt that way. What a great description!
'Move,' he told her >> Since he just 'told her' in the previous sentence, I'd change this to avoid repetition.
Relief and shock collided head-on, creating havoc with her sensory system. >> Great sentence!
YOu say 'gun' a lot. I had this issue with Orion. You can substitute 'weapon' or google different types of guns. I gave my guys a Browning revolver and, maybe...Oh, who knows! We only have ever had rifles to shoot snakes and a very small handgun that was my mother-in-laws. Crazy thing is...the one time we had a break-in and our daughter cried out for help, we ran down the hall unarmed. Fat lot of good weapons did us! But he ran, the police responded and he's where he belongs for a very long time! Anyway, back to topic, I'd substitute 'weapon', 'revolver' or the name of a brand of guns once in a while, especially if you're going to use the word more than in this segment. Just a thought! :)
Another wonderful read, Sandra. There are some phrasing things that I believe are the difference between Texas and England, so I'm not going to waste any time pointing them out. I love the word 'niggling'. :)
Incredible!
Blessings,
Debs
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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I just knew you would find something, bless your heart. I feel I can put this part to bed now. I've made the changes. #move# 'Get going'
#gun# weapon. I have the name of a gun in a later part. Might be the next one.
Thank you, my dear friend, for another lovely review. My youngest son is tall as well, but his daughter's fiance is even taller, 6ft 7in Lol. I hope you are feeling a lot better now, Debs, I can't imagine how ill you felt with that horrid virus in you. Take care, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
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6'7"?! Yowza!!! lol
I'm a tall gal - 5'8- but I feel like a miniature next to my sons and son-in-law (or significant-other-in-law?) My boys are built like barn doors - more muscular than tall, although they are both over 6'. But that fella of my daughter's...He's 6'5. Next to her 5'4, he looks pretty big. lol
Feeling SO much better. Getting my strength back every day, coughing less and helping my Stef and grandkids move into their own home. We're going to be empty nesters again! Yay! lol
Have a great weekend,
Debs
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Sandra.
This is a very well written chapter. You have inserted an event into the "rising action" that heightens the suspense and raises the stakes. Tania being held takes a more dangerous turn with the addition of Grant's SAS colleagues. The events from here will be more suspenseful as the pursuit grows more intense.
Robert
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Hello Sandra.
This is a very well written chapter. You have inserted an event into the "rising action" that heightens the suspense and raises the stakes. Tania being held takes a more dangerous turn with the addition of Grant's SAS colleagues. The events from here will be more suspenseful as the pursuit grows more intense.
Robert
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much, Robert, for the golden star, and lovely review. I'm so pleased you are enjoying my story. It does heat up. I really appreciate your support. Have a wonderful New Year, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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You are very welcome Sandra.
Robert
Comment from tfawcus
Another chapter that keeps the tension high. Interesting possible romantic liaison for Monica! It's beginning to look as though Grant's resources will be sufficient to save the day, though you leave the door open for more drama before any rescue takes place.
Several minor suggestions:
pent-up anger (Remove extra space)
Galvanised by this decision, an idea that had been festering in her mind since leaving the police station, had her leaping into action. (A slightly unwieldy sentence.)
all the comings and goings of (from) the exclusive block of apartments
car drawing up not far from where she was hiding. (maybe remove the negative ie near her hidingplace)
as the engine died(,) and the lights went off. (add comma)
So engrossed in who was in the car and why the person wasn't getting out, she jumped, and dropped the binoculars in her surprise when the streetlights suddenly came on. (again, possibly worth splitting this sentence)
I wouldn't make any sudden movements(,) if I were you. (remove comma)
Her mouth had dried(,) and her raspy voice wobbled. (add comma)
Relief and shock collided head(-)on, (add hyphen)
Both men looked at her, wide(-)eyed with astonishment. (add hyphen)
We already have the makings of a feasible (feasible) plan.
to show off a row of beautiful(,) even white teeth (add comma)
Monica swallowed the lump in her throat(,) and gave him a hesitant smile back. (remove comma)
the station I get off at is just a two(-)minute walk for my place.' (add hyphen)
'Stay there, I'll drive you home.' (something stronger than a comma needed here)
He glanced up at Jeff(,) and nodded. (remove comma)
Looking forward to the next chapter. Loving this story.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Another chapter that keeps the tension high. Interesting possible romantic liaison for Monica! It's beginning to look as though Grant's resources will be sufficient to save the day, though you leave the door open for more drama before any rescue takes place.
Several minor suggestions:
pent-up anger (Remove extra space)
Galvanised by this decision, an idea that had been festering in her mind since leaving the police station, had her leaping into action. (A slightly unwieldy sentence.)
all the comings and goings of (from) the exclusive block of apartments
car drawing up not far from where she was hiding. (maybe remove the negative ie near her hidingplace)
as the engine died(,) and the lights went off. (add comma)
So engrossed in who was in the car and why the person wasn't getting out, she jumped, and dropped the binoculars in her surprise when the streetlights suddenly came on. (again, possibly worth splitting this sentence)
I wouldn't make any sudden movements(,) if I were you. (remove comma)
Her mouth had dried(,) and her raspy voice wobbled. (add comma)
Relief and shock collided head(-)on, (add hyphen)
Both men looked at her, wide(-)eyed with astonishment. (add hyphen)
We already have the makings of a feasible (feasible) plan.
to show off a row of beautiful(,) even white teeth (add comma)
Monica swallowed the lump in her throat(,) and gave him a hesitant smile back. (remove comma)
the station I get off at is just a two(-)minute walk for my place.' (add hyphen)
'Stay there, I'll drive you home.' (something stronger than a comma needed here)
He glanced up at Jeff(,) and nodded. (remove comma)
Looking forward to the next chapter. Loving this story.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Goodness me! I did have several nits, didn't I? Thank you so much for going through them like that, I really appreciate it, Tony. I've made all the corrections. I'm glad you're enjoying the story, and yes, there is a bit more drama coming. Thank you, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Well, things are definitely nutty since I checked in last -- good heavens, Lady!! ;) :) But so very well written and intriguing, Sandra -- one of those I wouldn't put down right now if I actually had the book! ;) Yvette
was a moments silence --> was a moment's silence
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Well, things are definitely nutty since I checked in last -- good heavens, Lady!! ;) :) But so very well written and intriguing, Sandra -- one of those I wouldn't put down right now if I actually had the book! ;) Yvette
was a moments silence --> was a moment's silence
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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I am so pleased you're back(ish) this review is just what any author wants to hear, that you wouldn't put it down if you had the whole book! Thank you so very much for making my day... year, in fact! I've made that correction, thank you for that, too. Have a wonderful day, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Excruciating! I'm relieved that Monica survived her "heart attack." Stunning depiction of terror. Seems I missed the prior chapter--gotta head out to your virtual bookstore and root it out.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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Excruciating! I'm relieved that Monica survived her "heart attack." Stunning depiction of terror. Seems I missed the prior chapter--gotta head out to your virtual bookstore and root it out.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2021
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I have done that before. Thank you so much for this lovely review, Liz, I'm really happy that you are enjoying the plot. Warm hugs, my friend, and a happy New Year. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Sanku
Monica is safe .I am glad .I was worried he would go and get t trapped in that slime ball's plan.But two days have gone...and what would happen to Tanya?
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Monica is safe .I am glad .I was worried he would go and get t trapped in that slime ball's plan.But two days have gone...and what would happen to Tanya?
Comment Written 05-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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It's not a good place for Tania to be in, so Grant had better sort something out soon, just in case! Thank you so much, Sanku, I really like it that you follow my story. Warm hugs and a very Happy New Year. :)) Sandra xx
