Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Betrayal Chapter 21"In the title.
44 total reviews
Comment from DSchlosser
Life can be a roller coaster sometimes. As much so as a drama like this book. I'm finally back to reading these chapters again, so I want to get through the rest of the book over the next few weeks while I add my own chapters of books.
I didn't really find any errors in this chapter, and it was interesting to see the brief history of Grant's mom and how crazy she seems. Looks like you've finished this book already, so I'll definitely have to catch up and see you other work when I can.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2021
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Life can be a roller coaster sometimes. As much so as a drama like this book. I'm finally back to reading these chapters again, so I want to get through the rest of the book over the next few weeks while I add my own chapters of books.
I didn't really find any errors in this chapter, and it was interesting to see the brief history of Grant's mom and how crazy she seems. Looks like you've finished this book already, so I'll definitely have to catch up and see you other work when I can.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2021
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Thank you so much for this lovely review, and for going back to read it. That was really kind of you. Yes, I've finished the book and now have to do the arduous task of editing it. The last chapter was nominated for Book of the Month, so that was good.
I've caught up with your book now, and it's really good. I'm looking forward to reading how the journey will go to find a healer.
Thanks again! Warm hugs, Sandra xx
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Great! I'm glad you checked out Ryleigh. I'm hoping this will be more of a break out novel for me if I plan it well and get the artwork done for it.
I plan to read through the rest of Betrayal. The story intrigued me. Sorry I couldn't keep up with it. Life ended up getting in the way for a while.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Grant's mother sounds a little self centered; choosing a man over her own children is something to think about. Good thing the grandfather was there to pick up the pieces of Grant's life.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
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Grant's mother sounds a little self centered; choosing a man over her own children is something to think about. Good thing the grandfather was there to pick up the pieces of Grant's life.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
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She is, she's the type of mother that shouldn't have children. There are a few around. Thank you so much, Rosemary, for continuing to read my story. You are wonderful!! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from DeboraDyess
Hello! Trying to get caught up tonight, but our daughter and grand are coming over to grill outdoors, so we'll see if I make it. :)
Forgive me, but I really don't like the first sentence of this part. It feels like ... it's flat. Instead of telling us about what's going on, can you put us in Grant's head? He might be leaning back against the wall of whatever vehicle he's in, thinking about how glad he is to be home, how hard the last mission was, looking at his teammates and wondering what they'll do on their R&R, etc. YOu might interpose some conversation of them all letting go of what they'd left behind. Just a thought, but I wanted to be honest about my thoughts.
do you need the comma between Grandfather's eyes andagain? (I just got a mental image of my grandfather with a big comma between his eyes. lol)
The silence that followed fell like a leaden weight. >> Like it!
Grandfather's once strong >> Definately no comma here.
father was killed, fighting in >> I think I've turned into a comma Nazi. And rules there may be different, but I think this is a comma splice, too. AFTER 'Africa', yes. Before 'fighting', no. :)
Carl and Reg moved away, not wanting to embarrass their mate >> Don't dip into their motives here. Let them move away and maybe give Grant a nod or a sympathetic glance, but yolet us imagine in our own minds what's in their heads.
answer her question, was to >> Can't put a comma between the subject and primary verb. OH NO! I AM turning into a comma nazi!
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reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Hello! Trying to get caught up tonight, but our daughter and grand are coming over to grill outdoors, so we'll see if I make it. :)
Forgive me, but I really don't like the first sentence of this part. It feels like ... it's flat. Instead of telling us about what's going on, can you put us in Grant's head? He might be leaning back against the wall of whatever vehicle he's in, thinking about how glad he is to be home, how hard the last mission was, looking at his teammates and wondering what they'll do on their R&R, etc. YOu might interpose some conversation of them all letting go of what they'd left behind. Just a thought, but I wanted to be honest about my thoughts.
do you need the comma between Grandfather's eyes andagain? (I just got a mental image of my grandfather with a big comma between his eyes. lol)
The silence that followed fell like a leaden weight. >> Like it!
Grandfather's once strong >> Definately no comma here.
father was killed, fighting in >> I think I've turned into a comma Nazi. And rules there may be different, but I think this is a comma splice, too. AFTER 'Africa', yes. Before 'fighting', no. :)
Carl and Reg moved away, not wanting to embarrass their mate >> Don't dip into their motives here. Let them move away and maybe give Grant a nod or a sympathetic glance, but yolet us imagine in our own minds what's in their heads.
answer her question, was to >> Can't put a comma between the subject and primary verb. OH NO! I AM turning into a comma nazi!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Hi Debs, thank you so much for going over this part. I'll be working on it today. I see your point and will act on it. I want to make this book as good as I can because I want to see if I can sell it. My main problem will be the synopsis to send with it, never having done one.
Thanks, my friend. You're a great editor, and I highly value your comments. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
I'm all out of nominations for this months reviewer contest, but you'll get one next month. :)) xxxx
Comment from Begin Again
Oh no! The son came by his evilness naturally - the father says him or me and Grant gets the boot and the mother tosses her son out for the husband. Crazy world!
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Oh no! The son came by his evilness naturally - the father says him or me and Grant gets the boot and the mother tosses her son out for the husband. Crazy world!
Comment Written 13-Mar-2021
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Very nice continuation here, filling in some of the blanks of Grant's past, his relationships and so on. good display of emotionality coursing through too.
Grant's memory took a trip back to the past,- personally, I'd re-word this. Where else can the memory go to except the past?
turned his eyes, now a pale watery gray, sunken into features crinkled from years of grief, and looked at his grandson.- I found this action a bit awkward. he turned his eyes, rather than his head seemed odd to me. If it is just his eyes, why not say looked, glanced or so on rather than turned. It felt to me that this was employed just to give the description of Randolph which made it feel unnatural.
phone call from your baby-sitter - babysitter can be a single word here.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2021
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Hi Sandra,
Very nice continuation here, filling in some of the blanks of Grant's past, his relationships and so on. good display of emotionality coursing through too.
Grant's memory took a trip back to the past,- personally, I'd re-word this. Where else can the memory go to except the past?
turned his eyes, now a pale watery gray, sunken into features crinkled from years of grief, and looked at his grandson.- I found this action a bit awkward. he turned his eyes, rather than his head seemed odd to me. If it is just his eyes, why not say looked, glanced or so on rather than turned. It felt to me that this was employed just to give the description of Randolph which made it feel unnatural.
phone call from your baby-sitter - babysitter can be a single word here.
All the best
G
Comment Written 22-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much for this one, Gareth. What do you think of this...
The silence that followed fell like a leaden weight. Grant waited, and watched as Randolph Blake laid his knife and fork on the side of his plate before raising his head to look at him. For the first time, Grant noticed how his grandfather's once strong, vibrant eyes were now a pale watery gray, sunken into features crinkled from years of grief.
I'll be taking another look at it later. Thank you for this, your reviews are always so helpful. Wam hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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I think that reads better as it keeps it within Grant's perception / perspective as well.
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Thanks, Gareth. I tried to nominate you, but it seems I already have this month. I wish I could do it for every review you give me. xx
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Cool
Comment from dmt1967
This is a well told chapter. There are a few pointers, in my opinion, that need some work, though.
1) The start hook needs more of a grab. How about... ' Grant sat opposite his granddad at the dinning table and semi listened to him brattle on about this and that./ His grandfather sighed. "Okay, what's up? I can see something is by your face.... This gets the reader intrigued to find out the something more.
2) I liked the descriptiveness of this chapter but, in a few places, the reader was told things when, in my opinion, showing would be better. For example, the nurse telling them of Tania's condition. Why can't that be dialogue. That would show rather than tell.
As I said, this is a good first draft. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2021
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This is a well told chapter. There are a few pointers, in my opinion, that need some work, though.
1) The start hook needs more of a grab. How about... ' Grant sat opposite his granddad at the dinning table and semi listened to him brattle on about this and that./ His grandfather sighed. "Okay, what's up? I can see something is by your face.... This gets the reader intrigued to find out the something more.
2) I liked the descriptiveness of this chapter but, in a few places, the reader was told things when, in my opinion, showing would be better. For example, the nurse telling them of Tania's condition. Why can't that be dialogue. That would show rather than tell.
As I said, this is a good first draft. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2021
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Thank you for this helpful review, my friend. I'm going to spend some time working on it. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. It's going to change pace now. Watm hugs!! :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Cindy Warren
What an awful woman! Grant was lucky to have been raised by his grandfather. I'd like to see her get her comeuppance too. Watching her son go to prison won't be enough. She raised a monster. Isn't that considered child abuse?
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2021
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What an awful woman! Grant was lucky to have been raised by his grandfather. I'd like to see her get her comeuppance too. Watching her son go to prison won't be enough. She raised a monster. Isn't that considered child abuse?
Comment Written 16-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much, Cindy, for your great review. You said it, she really isn't a nice woman and Grant was lucky. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from l.raven
Hi Sandra, I read this the other day...but won't review without a six star...you sooooooo earned them...
now...go get her Grant...don't let that old bag scare you...
we have friends in high places...Reg, Jeff, and Carl...better known as your friendly...hit men...
now you need to sit down with that muse of yours...light up a cigarette...and go after Colin...if his mother bails him out...Grant needs to take the law into his own hands...the old bag sounds like a piece of work...
now the next question is...who is Tania going to blame???...Grant for not listening to her at first...or Colin...for being more evil than thought...or maybe just herself for going to see him...and trying to record him...
sooooo many decisions...
another great chapter my amazing friend...a true attention getter...a story you have to read the next chapter...always sooooo very well written sweet girl....
sending so much love from the land of...below freezing...and tons of snow...I have to go now and defrost my frost bitten fingers and toes...and my numb kneecaps...tomorrow I have to start over...we're getting more snow as I type...and gail like winds...sigh...love much you...Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2021
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Hi Sandra, I read this the other day...but won't review without a six star...you sooooooo earned them...
now...go get her Grant...don't let that old bag scare you...
we have friends in high places...Reg, Jeff, and Carl...better known as your friendly...hit men...
now you need to sit down with that muse of yours...light up a cigarette...and go after Colin...if his mother bails him out...Grant needs to take the law into his own hands...the old bag sounds like a piece of work...
now the next question is...who is Tania going to blame???...Grant for not listening to her at first...or Colin...for being more evil than thought...or maybe just herself for going to see him...and trying to record him...
sooooo many decisions...
another great chapter my amazing friend...a true attention getter...a story you have to read the next chapter...always sooooo very well written sweet girl....
sending so much love from the land of...below freezing...and tons of snow...I have to go now and defrost my frost bitten fingers and toes...and my numb kneecaps...tomorrow I have to start over...we're getting more snow as I type...and gail like winds...sigh...love much you...Linda xxoo
Comment Written 15-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2021
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Aw, bless your heart, my dear friend. I forgot to save it in preview mode, and it got released a day early. Not to worry, I've had some lovely reviews.
Now that Tania is out of Colin's clutches, what do you think will happen now? Grant's conscience is going to hit him hard. But now we know how his mother treated him, we can see why he was distrustful of Tania. Time now to alter that.
Thank you, my dear friend, for the lovely six stars, and all the lovely things you've said. Take care in that snow, don't go out snowball fighting! Love you lots, my lovely friend. :)) Sandra xxxxx
I've sent you an email, Ian is back in hospital. :( xx
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I am so sorry for Ian... poor guy can't get a break...he is always in my prayers Sandra...I wish I were a witch...there would be a lot of healthy people walking around today...
and then again...there would be a lot of people walking around with warts between there eyes...and forehead...
this will be interesting to see how Tania and Grant come to getting...and she interduces her work to him...
and I don't even have to have the grand kids here to throw snowballs...every time I go to throw the snow in a pile...it blows back in my face...where's the 30's and 40's at???...
and you my amazing sweet friend are so welcome...you and Graham stay out of trouble...love you in bunches...and bunches...biggest smiles back at you...
say Hi to Ian for me...Linda xxoo
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Sandra.
This is an excellent chapter and you have revealed some of the family intrigue that run deep especially with Grant, his mother, and Colin. Isn't it odd that families often make excuses for the bad kid and always find fault with the "good" kid. I have seen this many times in my own life experiences. I can't believe Gloria is actually defending Colin and his criminal actions.
Robert
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2021
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Hello Sandra.
This is an excellent chapter and you have revealed some of the family intrigue that run deep especially with Grant, his mother, and Colin. Isn't it odd that families often make excuses for the bad kid and always find fault with the "good" kid. I have seen this many times in my own life experiences. I can't believe Gloria is actually defending Colin and his criminal actions.
Robert
Comment Written 15-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2021
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Yes, you're right. I've seen it too. It's not nice. Thank you so much for this lovely review, Robert, I appreciate all your comments. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Jessica Borras
I really enjoyed reading this, and was able to follow along nicely :) I especially like the paragraph "The silence that followed fell like a leaden weight, but Grant waited. Randolph Blake laid his knife and fork on the side of his plate and turned his eyes, now a pale watery gray, sunken into features crinkled from years of grief, and looked at his grandson." You did a fantastic job of showing, instead of telling.
I look forward to reading more chapters from your book!
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2021
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I really enjoyed reading this, and was able to follow along nicely :) I especially like the paragraph "The silence that followed fell like a leaden weight, but Grant waited. Randolph Blake laid his knife and fork on the side of his plate and turned his eyes, now a pale watery gray, sunken into features crinkled from years of grief, and looked at his grandson." You did a fantastic job of showing, instead of telling.
I look forward to reading more chapters from your book!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much for this lovely review, Jessica. I really appreciated those comments about how I'd written show, not tell. You made my day, my friend. Warm hugs! :)) Sandra xxx
