Traffic
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Many Beautiful Colors"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
8 total reviews
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Liz,
I read through this chapter, (I think you have a nice balance of direct dialog phased with bits of quick explained paraphrasings of what occurred. Easy to imagine and hear the the voice of the speaker going through what happened.)
A few thoughts along the way:
The contents felt weighty and ropey.
(paused at the double y... getting into the scene, orienting, later understood what ropey meant with the snakes)
The bag was not filled with corn; it was filled with corn...snakes!
We('d) woke(n)? them up.
They were slithering out of the bag after we dropped it, more and more of them. (flow of motion? maybe have them mention they drop the bag first? After we dropped the bag, they slithered out?)
When we came to, we realized we had to reach the doorway before they did. (did the kids lose consciousness?)
He announced they were in more danger for scattering the profits than from any actual snake bite. (they were... or they'd been? I lost a little bit of what was going on in time sense)
Liz was at her wit's end,(.) "Come on, Tommy, tell us what you two did to
(typo?)
"A part of me[,]? thinks we were running from the snakes," said Tommy. cranny, unfolding any spot secreting a small snake that could be the size of a piece of yarn."
Native name is Corn Flour."
(Ah, this has a good coming to circle around where Tommy got his name. Nice blend of direct telling and paraphrasing)
Squirrel and I both agreed that(there?) was a lot of messages given us at one time."
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
  |
Hi, Liz,
I read through this chapter, (I think you have a nice balance of direct dialog phased with bits of quick explained paraphrasings of what occurred. Easy to imagine and hear the the voice of the speaker going through what happened.)
A few thoughts along the way:
The contents felt weighty and ropey.
(paused at the double y... getting into the scene, orienting, later understood what ropey meant with the snakes)
The bag was not filled with corn; it was filled with corn...snakes!
We('d) woke(n)? them up.
They were slithering out of the bag after we dropped it, more and more of them. (flow of motion? maybe have them mention they drop the bag first? After we dropped the bag, they slithered out?)
When we came to, we realized we had to reach the doorway before they did. (did the kids lose consciousness?)
He announced they were in more danger for scattering the profits than from any actual snake bite. (they were... or they'd been? I lost a little bit of what was going on in time sense)
Liz was at her wit's end,(.) "Come on, Tommy, tell us what you two did to
(typo?)
"A part of me[,]? thinks we were running from the snakes," said Tommy. cranny, unfolding any spot secreting a small snake that could be the size of a piece of yarn."
Native name is Corn Flour."
(Ah, this has a good coming to circle around where Tommy got his name. Nice blend of direct telling and paraphrasing)
Squirrel and I both agreed that(there?) was a lot of messages given us at one time."
Comment Written 20-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for your supportive review. I will attend to your thoughts presented. Also, if you want to read more, the first 13 chapters are about rescuing Native teens from a trafficking operation. There is no need for reviews, just enjoy the suspense of each chapter.
Comment from padumachitta
hey
I enjoyed this wee snake story. Though corn snakes are calm and not venomous, they still scare the crap out of me:-)
Anyway, I like the story behind the names.
Keep writing and please enjoy yourself.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
|
hey
I enjoyed this wee snake story. Though corn snakes are calm and not venomous, they still scare the crap out of me:-)
Anyway, I like the story behind the names.
Keep writing and please enjoy yourself.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for your involved review. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Oh, man I am so scared of snakes, and sometimes I have dreams with them surrounding me. Your chapter is so dynamic but in the end, all is well when it ends well. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
|
Oh, man I am so scared of snakes, and sometimes I have dreams with them surrounding me. Your chapter is so dynamic but in the end, all is well when it ends well. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2021
-
I got the idea of the snakes when I recently talked with a childhood playmate. He reminded me of our investigating an old shed that had a lot of furniture and a bag...filled with snakes.
Comment from BeckyRae
Interesting tale I presume is for the younger folk. It includes some history of our native Americans, as in how they get their names. Since this is just a piece of the story, I hope it continues to tell their history. Where you say "When we came to" it might be better to say "When we came to our senses" because the first sounds like they were unconscious.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
 |
Interesting tale I presume is for the younger folk. It includes some history of our native Americans, as in how they get their names. Since this is just a piece of the story, I hope it continues to tell their history. Where you say "When we came to" it might be better to say "When we came to our senses" because the first sounds like they were unconscious.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for your interested review. The most history is in the first 13 chapters when the Native teens are describing their living cirumstances and we get to stand overlooking the poverty and other government exploitation with drilling, scrafing, and mining. You are welcome to read those in my portfolio. There is no need for a review. Just enjoy. Every chapter is quite suspenseful. They are recounting their abduction and are traveling through a dangerous cave.
Comment from aryr
What an amazing picture, Liz. I really enjoyed reading about the adventures of Tommy and how he obtained his native name of Corn Flour. I do agree that a sack of those snakes would indeed be colorful, but it is unfortunately one to many snakes for me to tolerate. It was interesting that Liz shared her personal story while Tommy was detailing. Now both girls are curious as to why he wanted to be a chef, well done.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
|
What an amazing picture, Liz. I really enjoyed reading about the adventures of Tommy and how he obtained his native name of Corn Flour. I do agree that a sack of those snakes would indeed be colorful, but it is unfortunately one to many snakes for me to tolerate. It was interesting that Liz shared her personal story while Tommy was detailing. Now both girls are curious as to why he wanted to be a chef, well done.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for your appreciative review. I may have told you I was talking with one of my childhood playmates & he asked me I remembered a shed we investigated when we were about 10. I remember some of it, but not the part about the bag of snakes & how we got out of there on the furniture. I said, "I've my idea for my next couple of chapters.
-
Wow, it is great when our memories get a jog and we have great stuff to write about. You are so welcome Liz.
Comment from Mabaker12
What type of snake are those in this chapter? They sound quite lovely and make Slippery seem quite drab by comparision. Again your chapter held my interest right through. I saw no mistakes. Well done. Love U Anne
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
|
What type of snake are those in this chapter? They sound quite lovely and make Slippery seem quite drab by comparision. Again your chapter held my interest right through. I saw no mistakes. Well done. Love U Anne
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
-
They are called corn snakes. They hang out in corn fields. There must have been a family of them around here. As I said in the story, Sammy brought in 3 separate ones. They were beautiful, the size of yarn. Most of the pictures are of larger ones. But, my they are beautiful. Slippery sounds larger than any of them.
Comment from Ozymandias504
I am not a fan of the story genre but was very impressed with the writing. It lacked the usual errors of overly descriptive and overblown prose and stuck to simple descriptions that were evocative and satisfying. The writer has a firm control on her narrative and writes with an easy confidence.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
|
I am not a fan of the story genre but was very impressed with the writing. It lacked the usual errors of overly descriptive and overblown prose and stuck to simple descriptions that were evocative and satisfying. The writer has a firm control on her narrative and writes with an easy confidence.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for your detailed review. The first 13 chapters about rescuing 10 Native teens. The story is winding down. I'm glad you got to read some of it. This end is quite different than the suspenseful beginning. You are welcome to take a peek at the first part. No review is necessary. Just enjoy.
Comment from lyenochka
It was fun to hear the story of Tommy and Flying Squirrel and their mishap with the bag of corn snakes! I like how Liz and Linda were as on edge as this reader! It's wonderful how Tommy is looking to help people.
Don't know if you already fixed this word sequence:
Why were there so snakes many in that bag?" (so many snakes)
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
|
It was fun to hear the story of Tommy and Flying Squirrel and their mishap with the bag of corn snakes! I like how Liz and Linda were as on edge as this reader! It's wonderful how Tommy is looking to help people.
Don't know if you already fixed this word sequence:
Why were there so snakes many in that bag?" (so many snakes)
Comment Written 15-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
-
Thank you for your enthusiastic, supportive review. This actually happened to my friend & I when we were about 10. It was very scary as we climbed over the furniture to get out of a shed.
-
So interesting. I don't mind snakes but I wouldn't want one for a pet especially if they bite. I looked up corn snakes to see what they looked like. Thanks for the fun read and information about them.
-
As I said in the story, my cat brought in 3 separate beautiful lavender yarn sized ones. All the snakes that have been here from the beginning of time have had to move out of their home under the porches. I told them they can move back after we move.
-
Lol! I am relieved my cat only brings in rabbits and birds. But I'd really rather she didn't
-
oh dear. I wish they could be sweet kitties, but they are obviously hunters.
