Sarah
abusing a child emotionally26 total reviews
Comment from Poetic Friend
Wow, this is a compelling story, and I can see why it placed in the contest.
I think you were supportive to Carol and even more so to her daughter Sarah.
I agree with you that maybe Sarah wants to suppress her abusive past, especially since she did not share it with her husband. At least, she still communicates with you. Like you, I wish it was more. Sometimes we take for granted that the person will always be there when we want to speak with them. A lot can occur in three to four years....
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Wow, this is a compelling story, and I can see why it placed in the contest.
I think you were supportive to Carol and even more so to her daughter Sarah.
I agree with you that maybe Sarah wants to suppress her abusive past, especially since she did not share it with her husband. At least, she still communicates with you. Like you, I wish it was more. Sometimes we take for granted that the person will always be there when we want to speak with them. A lot can occur in three to four years....
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Thank you I truly appreciate your thoughtful and kind comments.
Take care and regards
Mary
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer, (--wink--)
Wow. There are so many levels to this piece. And so many of them HURT. Carol's hurt - her children's pain - YOUR pain in just watching everything. That is something we see over and over. Hurt children hurt.
I hope this generation will break that tradition. But it's awfully hard. You were a good friend. I'm so sorry for everyone involved. Wow.
Thanks!
reply by the author on 11-May-2021
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Dear Mystery Writer, (--wink--)
Wow. There are so many levels to this piece. And so many of them HURT. Carol's hurt - her children's pain - YOUR pain in just watching everything. That is something we see over and over. Hurt children hurt.
I hope this generation will break that tradition. But it's awfully hard. You were a good friend. I'm so sorry for everyone involved. Wow.
Thanks!
Comment Written 11-May-2021
reply by the author on 11-May-2021
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Thank you Robyn, I appreciate your review and kind thoughts.
Comment from beizanten
a very good picture and pretty good opening paragraph. You description of people physical description is well done and easy to imagine. A well written story
reply by the author on 10-May-2021
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a very good picture and pretty good opening paragraph. You description of people physical description is well done and easy to imagine. A well written story
Comment Written 10-May-2021
reply by the author on 10-May-2021
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Thank you, I truly appreciate your kind thoughts and review. I thank you also for the rating.
Comment from Wendy G
This is a dreadful story, unfortunately meeting the brief of emotional abuse only too well. So very sad. At least you were able o help Sarah, and give her some sort of hope, and self-belief. Well written.
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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This is a dreadful story, unfortunately meeting the brief of emotional abuse only too well. So very sad. At least you were able o help Sarah, and give her some sort of hope, and self-belief. Well written.
Comment Written 09-May-2021
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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Thank you, Wendy, I appreciate your review and kindness.
Best Regards,
Comment from karenina
This is an all too familiar yet heartbreaking story. It is so difficult to break the cycle of abuse! Carol was clearly troubled and had unrealistic expectations... How many times have I heard a woman say she wants a baby to love HER! Sarah could and should never have been expected to fill her mothers needs!
You genuinely were concerned. Sounds like you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time...
Too bad Carol's children weren't removed from her care early on!
Your story is compelling. Some sentence structure is awkward, and a thorough reread and edit would go far.
Often I find when I read my work aloud I pick up on phrasing that seems forced or unnatural.
Of you cut and pasted this back into word and ran it through grammar check, that also would be helpful.
I am offering a five based on content and commit!ent to theme...and because I am confident you will want to fine tune as you edit.
Bless you for maintaining a relationship with both children...
Karenina
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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This is an all too familiar yet heartbreaking story. It is so difficult to break the cycle of abuse! Carol was clearly troubled and had unrealistic expectations... How many times have I heard a woman say she wants a baby to love HER! Sarah could and should never have been expected to fill her mothers needs!
You genuinely were concerned. Sounds like you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time...
Too bad Carol's children weren't removed from her care early on!
Your story is compelling. Some sentence structure is awkward, and a thorough reread and edit would go far.
Often I find when I read my work aloud I pick up on phrasing that seems forced or unnatural.
Of you cut and pasted this back into word and ran it through grammar check, that also would be helpful.
I am offering a five based on content and commit!ent to theme...and because I am confident you will want to fine tune as you edit.
Bless you for maintaining a relationship with both children...
Karenina
Comment Written 09-May-2021
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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Thank you for your advice, I will review it. Thank your for your review and advice is appreciated.
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Very gentle helpful hints! Meant in the nicest way! --Karenina
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Child abuse stories are always so very, very sad. No one wins in them, for sure. I can' help but wonder what happened to poor little Jimmy or the family dog. As an elementary principal, I often had to deal with this issue. Unfortunately, families would pick up and leave without providing a forwarding address when we got too close to the truth.
Good luck in the contest.
Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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Child abuse stories are always so very, very sad. No one wins in them, for sure. I can' help but wonder what happened to poor little Jimmy or the family dog. As an elementary principal, I often had to deal with this issue. Unfortunately, families would pick up and leave without providing a forwarding address when we got too close to the truth.
Good luck in the contest.
Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 08-May-2021
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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Thank you for your review. It is appreciated. I never saw Jimmy after we moved, but I do get reports from Sarah. Jimmy and girlfriend moved in with his widowed Dad and has a small daughter. I never found out about the dog, I do not think that Carol kept him. I am hoping that Carol's mom took him in.
Comment from PencilWhipped
I related to this short story and I image many more can too. I saw my sister in one of the characters. Overall, nice visuals that brought the story to life.
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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I related to this short story and I image many more can too. I saw my sister in one of the characters. Overall, nice visuals that brought the story to life.
Comment Written 08-May-2021
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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Thank you I appreciate your review. It is appreciated.
Regards,
Comment from Jay Squires
Do yourself a favor and go back into the editor and physically space between paragraphs. It's all clumped together for the first 9 paragraphs, and only after that can the reader have a clearer breathing space. This continues until a little after the middle when, once again, your paragraphs seem to be glued together. If you take the five minutes to properly space them, I guarantee you'll have more readers and happier ones. I ALMOST didn't read past the first paragraph because I assumed it was all going to be a clot of words thereafter. Boy, was I glad I read on (and decided to include this "preface" to my review.)
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My goodness, what a warped, twisted person Carol was. She appears to have become a sociopath, and only through your loving care, was Sarah saved from her sadism.
I did run into some places I feel you need to look at in order to make your story easier to follow, especially the first half. I hope you don't find my words hurtful. They are not intended to be so. After 65+ years of writing, I can spot where stories start going awry so they can be easily repaired. Below are my suggestions:
so I think our personalities meshed well together ["together" is implied and perhaps not needed.]
it was an unseen cast that kept her bound up emotionally. [Well-chosen metaphor. Beautiful!]
or participating in any activities with her children. [I'm assuming you mean siblings here, not children. Otherwise, and especially with the next paragraph dealing with her sibling relationships, this rudely yanks her out of her childhood and into parenthood.]
I do not remember the family ever sitting together in the living room [I believe you mean your friend here, not you. Otherwise, what were you doing in their living room?]
You begin most scenes with "I remember..." or "I don't remember how..." etc. Those are creating problems with understanding.
I do not remember how she met Carl, [This is becoming a real problem of understanding. You are evidently telling Carol's story, but using the first person.]
Her reasoning was that with his disability, she had to settle for him, as no one else would be attracted to her. [You don't describe why SHE felt Carl was her only chance. I know what you're trying to say, but it requires more clarification. You could do it by adding "owing to her own poor self-image," or something like that.]
What I remember most about Jimmy was his crying out repeatedly from his own bare mattress: "What did I do? Tell me what I did? [Again, you are reporting this as though you were there. Much of the problem can be eliminated by simply getting rid of the "What I remember most about Jimmy." Simply start instead with "Jimmy cried out from his own bare mattress..." and you're right into the narrative.]
I thoroughly, I mean thoroughly, enjoyed the story you told. With a few tweaks here and there, I feel it will do well in the contest. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to contact me.
reply by the author on 08-May-2021
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Do yourself a favor and go back into the editor and physically space between paragraphs. It's all clumped together for the first 9 paragraphs, and only after that can the reader have a clearer breathing space. This continues until a little after the middle when, once again, your paragraphs seem to be glued together. If you take the five minutes to properly space them, I guarantee you'll have more readers and happier ones. I ALMOST didn't read past the first paragraph because I assumed it was all going to be a clot of words thereafter. Boy, was I glad I read on (and decided to include this "preface" to my review.)
***
My goodness, what a warped, twisted person Carol was. She appears to have become a sociopath, and only through your loving care, was Sarah saved from her sadism.
I did run into some places I feel you need to look at in order to make your story easier to follow, especially the first half. I hope you don't find my words hurtful. They are not intended to be so. After 65+ years of writing, I can spot where stories start going awry so they can be easily repaired. Below are my suggestions:
so I think our personalities meshed well together ["together" is implied and perhaps not needed.]
it was an unseen cast that kept her bound up emotionally. [Well-chosen metaphor. Beautiful!]
or participating in any activities with her children. [I'm assuming you mean siblings here, not children. Otherwise, and especially with the next paragraph dealing with her sibling relationships, this rudely yanks her out of her childhood and into parenthood.]
I do not remember the family ever sitting together in the living room [I believe you mean your friend here, not you. Otherwise, what were you doing in their living room?]
You begin most scenes with "I remember..." or "I don't remember how..." etc. Those are creating problems with understanding.
I do not remember how she met Carl, [This is becoming a real problem of understanding. You are evidently telling Carol's story, but using the first person.]
Her reasoning was that with his disability, she had to settle for him, as no one else would be attracted to her. [You don't describe why SHE felt Carl was her only chance. I know what you're trying to say, but it requires more clarification. You could do it by adding "owing to her own poor self-image," or something like that.]
What I remember most about Jimmy was his crying out repeatedly from his own bare mattress: "What did I do? Tell me what I did? [Again, you are reporting this as though you were there. Much of the problem can be eliminated by simply getting rid of the "What I remember most about Jimmy." Simply start instead with "Jimmy cried out from his own bare mattress..." and you're right into the narrative.]
I thoroughly, I mean thoroughly, enjoyed the story you told. With a few tweaks here and there, I feel it will do well in the contest. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to contact me.
Comment Written 08-May-2021
reply by the author on 08-May-2021
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Thank you not only for your review but for taking the time to edit my piece. I truly appreciate it and am going to work on your suggestions.
Funny, I like to separate my story with more spaces, but others criticize me for doing so. But I will go along with you as the point is to make it an easier read or to emphasize an important point.
Thank you soooooooooo much.
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You are very welcome. The spacing will take you about 10 minutes. Since it's a contest, I would urge you to do it right away.
Comment from Sherry Asbury
Oh, the emotions this raised in me. You wrote it so well and it touched every fiber of my being. I was abused also as a child and that latent fear never fades. It sounds like Sarah survived well, but I am sure she will never forget. Thank you for all you did for her.
reply by the author on 08-May-2021
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Oh, the emotions this raised in me. You wrote it so well and it touched every fiber of my being. I was abused also as a child and that latent fear never fades. It sounds like Sarah survived well, but I am sure she will never forget. Thank you for all you did for her.
Comment Written 08-May-2021
reply by the author on 08-May-2021
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Thank you Sherry, I truly appreciate your kind words and review.
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You are a good person!
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Thank you
Comment from Cogitator
Wonderful narrative! Following the thread of your thoughts was easy. As for structure, I suggest the advanced editor herein.
Pictures, spacing, grammar, and spelling are enhanced functions. You surely have the soul....John
reply by the author on 08-May-2021
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Wonderful narrative! Following the thread of your thoughts was easy. As for structure, I suggest the advanced editor herein.
Pictures, spacing, grammar, and spelling are enhanced functions. You surely have the soul....John
Comment Written 08-May-2021
reply by the author on 08-May-2021
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Thank you John, I truly appreciate your review and rating.
