Streets of Cincinnati
Violence in the city49 total reviews
Comment from muffinmama
The terse phrases that make up the introduction are extremely effective in setting the horrifying scene in the park, while the odd sentence breaks up what would otherwise be a monotonous description.
The second scene with its more typical writing style, also perfectly suits the content. It relays the essence of the main character and his love for his sister. He's a good one, someone who portrays hope for the future. The side-kicks provide a perfect foil as well as reassurance that Ghalen will make it out of there.
The tragic scene of the senseless murder throws the reader back to the hopelessness and horror of the introduction. If Ghalen couldn't make it out of there, what chance for anyone else?
Excellent writing.
Comments:
- 'Birds sung.' - sang
- 'auntie Shontel's bed...' - caps for auntie
- '...he sat Laila's breakfast...' - set, not sat
- You've got to tame your love affair with commas - lol. There are too many unnecessary ones; a couple of examples:
'Aimlessly, wandering off--she glanced back with her gut wrenching, hollow-eyed sadness--then, vanished between the graffitied buildings.'
This should be: 'Aimlessly wandering off, she glanced back with her gut wrenching, hollow-eyed sadness, then vanished between the graffitied buildings.'
- 'Themselves, befuddled...' - not needed
- '...affectionate hug, and asked,...' - the first one is not needed
You captured the tragedy of today's large cities; there's not much that can be added. Really good work.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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The terse phrases that make up the introduction are extremely effective in setting the horrifying scene in the park, while the odd sentence breaks up what would otherwise be a monotonous description.
The second scene with its more typical writing style, also perfectly suits the content. It relays the essence of the main character and his love for his sister. He's a good one, someone who portrays hope for the future. The side-kicks provide a perfect foil as well as reassurance that Ghalen will make it out of there.
The tragic scene of the senseless murder throws the reader back to the hopelessness and horror of the introduction. If Ghalen couldn't make it out of there, what chance for anyone else?
Excellent writing.
Comments:
- 'Birds sung.' - sang
- 'auntie Shontel's bed...' - caps for auntie
- '...he sat Laila's breakfast...' - set, not sat
- You've got to tame your love affair with commas - lol. There are too many unnecessary ones; a couple of examples:
'Aimlessly, wandering off--she glanced back with her gut wrenching, hollow-eyed sadness--then, vanished between the graffitied buildings.'
This should be: 'Aimlessly wandering off, she glanced back with her gut wrenching, hollow-eyed sadness, then vanished between the graffitied buildings.'
- 'Themselves, befuddled...' - not needed
- '...affectionate hug, and asked,...' - the first one is not needed
You captured the tragedy of today's large cities; there's not much that can be added. Really good work.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Muffinmama, for your kind words, suggestions, comments, and generous review. Yes, I have a tendency to get carried away with everything, not just commas, but hyphens, descriptions, food and . . . I'm sure you get the message. LOL. Plus I hate editing and polishing, so my lazy butt writes fast as I can and reads right through my mistakes without ever seeing them. Well, until they are pointed out to me and I think oh, I know that. But I must not know better or I wouldn't keep doing it. LOL. I appreciate YOU! And another outstanding review.
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We see what we expect to see, so the mistakes slide right by. Everyone has that problem, which is why editing takes 10 times longer than writing.
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Yes, that sounds right. Which is why I don't do much editing. It isn't the fun part, but I guess it's time I take it a little more seriously for the benefit of readers. LOL. I always appreciate what you have to say, and the kindness in how you say it. :-)
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Thank you; I try - lol
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Sadly you tell too much truth in this article. It's very moving and certainly painful. As a grandmother who has raised a rainbow of children, I face this fear every day.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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Sadly you tell too much truth in this article. It's very moving and certainly painful. As a grandmother who has raised a rainbow of children, I face this fear every day.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Carol, for taking time to read my story and your generous review. Yes, this isn't a pleasant story, and for that I apologize. But it's a story that needs to be told, so that people who are unaware of how out of control the situation has become can understand. I don't know the answers, but it isn't just thugs being killed every day, it's 5, 7, 10, and 14 year-olds caught in the crossfire by monsters who have no regard for human life at any age. I hope it doesn't upset you too badly. I'll get back to the silly stuff after this. This is all the depressing thoughts I can deal with for a while. Thanks again for hanging in there with me on this one. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from Senyai
Hi Ric,
Wow! This is so timely as news flash after news flash shows another death or deaths happening across our cities. It gets closer to home as your well written story shows so well. It is heartbreaking! Bad policies and drugs are to blame as well as broken families. No parent at home. Galen was exceptional! A great boy who was senselessly murdered.
Ric, kudos to you for highlighting the violence that's growing in our country. Important piece to reflect on that something needs to be done. Every lunatic has a gun.
Have a great week and stay safe :))
Senyai
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Hi Ric,
Wow! This is so timely as news flash after news flash shows another death or deaths happening across our cities. It gets closer to home as your well written story shows so well. It is heartbreaking! Bad policies and drugs are to blame as well as broken families. No parent at home. Galen was exceptional! A great boy who was senselessly murdered.
Ric, kudos to you for highlighting the violence that's growing in our country. Important piece to reflect on that something needs to be done. Every lunatic has a gun.
Have a great week and stay safe :))
Senyai
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Senyai, for your kind words and generous review. The children shot seem to get younger all the time where I live. Ghalen was fourteen, but there was one who was 7, and another 5, caught in the crossfire. The world in general is so out of control, and the pandemic hasn't helped. But now we need answers and a plan. It's time to get something done! Thanks for reading. I appreciate YOU!
Have a great week! Ric
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Yes, something needs to get done. The violence is a pure disgrace in cities everywhere, but especially Chicago, Cincinnati, New York, Memphis and others. Your story got to me.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Ric.
You did a bang up job on this one. You use the vernacular of the day in the way it's spread on the street and that is outstanding. I could never do that because I consider myself anti pop culture and I reject all of it. HAHAHAHA Being old makes that easy. I was fascinated by the narrative around Cincinnati. I'm not from Cincinnati nor have I ever lived there but I went to my first Major League Baseball game there in 1962 at Crosley Field. believe it or not, I know the reputation of Over The Rhine as well. living down South we can still get WLW radio and Bill Cunningham. I haven't listened to him for years but I used to because that station could probably be heard on the moon.
You show everything instead of telling it and it is outstanding. It is also too frequent an occurrence. You couldn't write this story 60 years ago because nothing in America resembled the culture we have today. The storyline and the use of vernacular is outstanding and your descriptive narrative is 3 dimensional.
Sounds like a SIX to me.
Robert
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Hello Ric.
You did a bang up job on this one. You use the vernacular of the day in the way it's spread on the street and that is outstanding. I could never do that because I consider myself anti pop culture and I reject all of it. HAHAHAHA Being old makes that easy. I was fascinated by the narrative around Cincinnati. I'm not from Cincinnati nor have I ever lived there but I went to my first Major League Baseball game there in 1962 at Crosley Field. believe it or not, I know the reputation of Over The Rhine as well. living down South we can still get WLW radio and Bill Cunningham. I haven't listened to him for years but I used to because that station could probably be heard on the moon.
You show everything instead of telling it and it is outstanding. It is also too frequent an occurrence. You couldn't write this story 60 years ago because nothing in America resembled the culture we have today. The storyline and the use of vernacular is outstanding and your descriptive narrative is 3 dimensional.
Sounds like a SIX to me.
Robert
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Hello, Robert,
I wasn't sure how this story might be accepted, but I've just been seeing so much of this all over the country. It's getting worse all the time and no one seems to be doing anything about it. Besides, politicians using the same rhetoric to gain votes or get recognition. It's hard to find an answer, if there is one, but it all starts with babies' home life and teachings. This story is pretty much a culmination of things I've seen and heard. Starting with the first line from a few weeks back while sitting in the park. The young lady was so stoned she hardly knew where she was, but when I asked if there was anything I could do for her, she glanced at me with fear in her eyes and hurried away. This is way outside my comfort zone, but having coached baseball, basketball, and football for many years, I've picked up a lot of urban slang, which makes me want to scream. LOL. Old Crosley field takes me way back to when I was a boy. I lived in Lexington, KY where I was raised, but we had tickets and drove to Cincinnati for the Red's games regularly. But now days, you had better get cautious when you cross the river into the city. Sorry, didn't mean to write you a novel. You just bring out that side of me. Thank you again for another wonderful and encouraging review, and all those shiny stars. But most of all, for your kindness! I appreciate YOU! Ric
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The story is well written and realistic. There are a lot of people that don't like realism. I do.
Robert
Comment from Anne Johnston
This must have been hard for you to write, showing all the ugly things that happen. It used to be in big cities, but now it is almost everywhere in our world. How sad for children bein raised in these places. Truly, our country is in need of God.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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This must have been hard for you to write, showing all the ugly things that happen. It used to be in big cities, but now it is almost everywhere in our world. How sad for children bein raised in these places. Truly, our country is in need of God.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Anne, for your comments and generous review. Yes, this story is way outside my comfort zone, but the first line tells about the young girl I saw while sitting on a park bench a few weeks back. When I asked if there was anything I could do to help her, she glanced at me with fear in her eyes and hurried away. It brought tears to my eyes, as I thought she would be one I might read about in the paper the next morning. God truly is the answer, but it has to start when these children are young. Thanks for reading this unpleasant sorry, it's just one that needs to be told until people wake up and try to make a difference. Much appreciated!
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You are very welcome
Comment from royowen
I think you're right, but fortunately not where I live at least. But senseless killing, pointless to the point of irony, never achieving anything, just proving, in living we can die, a lovely boy who makes good choices, protecting and loving his little sister, she is yet another victim, beautifully written Ric, bless you Roy
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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I think you're right, but fortunately not where I live at least. But senseless killing, pointless to the point of irony, never achieving anything, just proving, in living we can die, a lovely boy who makes good choices, protecting and loving his little sister, she is yet another victim, beautifully written Ric, bless you Roy
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Roy, for your kind words and generous review. The first line of this came from watching a girl at the park who looked more like a zombie wandering around. When I asked her if there was anything I could do for her, she gave me a frightened glance and hurried away. The other events happen about every night, all around the city. I'm always honored to receive your kindness and encouraging reviews. I appreciate YOU!
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Bless you Ric
Comment from L. Kalere
Bravo Ric, you stepped out of your comfort zone with this "eyes wide open"
commentary. It's well written, informative, and gritty. To me, it looks like accurate vernacular, which really adds to the story.
Among other things, you could probably have a career in journalism.
Well done, my friend. I look forward to more from you.
Linda
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Bravo Ric, you stepped out of your comfort zone with this "eyes wide open"
commentary. It's well written, informative, and gritty. To me, it looks like accurate vernacular, which really adds to the story.
Among other things, you could probably have a career in journalism.
Well done, my friend. I look forward to more from you.
Linda
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Linda, for your kind words and generous review. It's always great to get your comments as I put a lot of stock in what you have to say. A career in journalism, huh? Well, then I would be like an entertainer, which I once was. I used to say: They say that applause is the food for the entertainer, and if that's the case, then I want to thank you all for that bologna sandwich. The similarity in both professions is that I would have to live on bologna and crackers. LOL. Thanks again for your always encouraging reviews. I appreciate YOU!
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Ric the Entertainer...it has a nice ring to it. Chippendale or party clown?
I'm intimidated by both.
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Linda, your comments are better than my writing; but most importantly, you make me smile!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
And of course our government officials answer to this crime is to defund the police and pay thousands of dollars for their private security, at taxpayer expense, so they don't have the violence around them. This is a very sore subject for me. I just retired from a school where I had to park my car behind a lock gate and it wasn't rare that we were on lockdown because of the violence in the streets. You did a great job.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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And of course our government officials answer to this crime is to defund the police and pay thousands of dollars for their private security, at taxpayer expense, so they don't have the violence around them. This is a very sore subject for me. I just retired from a school where I had to park my car behind a lock gate and it wasn't rare that we were on lockdown because of the violence in the streets. You did a great job.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Barbara, for your extra-special six-star review. Yes, you've hit on a sour note for me too. Defund the police, and do what, let the damn thugs take over. But the truth is: they would be the first ones running to the non-existent police force for help. Ridiculous. They tore our city apart, painted the streets, and shot 19 one night. I live 11 miles from most of the madness, but the violence is spreading closer every day, and it's like everyone is afraid to say or do anything. And they want us to give up our guns, which I feel is my only means of protection. Of course, that is a totally separate matter all together. See, I told you it's a sore spot with me too. Thanks again, sweet lady, for your exceptional review.
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My husband is retired military, and I happen to HATE guns. I know we're a strange couple. Anyway, I will fight for people rights to own them because our 2nd amendments gives us those rights. We've never had a gun in the house, because of me. We now have 4. One of my sons was worried about me so for Christmas gave me a LED flashlight and stun gun. If figured, I'd hurt myself with a gun. LOL
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I hate guns too. Wish they were never made. And I never owned one until three years ago when they shot and robbed a friend and his wife in their own home. They didn't own a gun. Of course, mine won't do me any good, because I would wait too long hoping not to have to shoot someone, and let them kill me. LOL.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Ric, it's beautifully written and you leave us with a horrendous picture how it can be when evil takes over. I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Hi Ric, it's beautifully written and you leave us with a horrendous picture how it can be when evil takes over. I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Ulla, for taking time to read this not so pleasant story. The first line of this story happened while sitting on a park bench last week. And then, it fueled all those thoughts burnt into my brain from days gone past. I appreciate your kind words and generous review!
Comment from karenina
This is as immersive as fiction gets. I found myself sitting quietly after reading it, wondering if it could not have been a testimonial given to Congress on the state of our youth in our world today. You make it real. You make it personal. This is your gift, as a writer. It does break our hearts. Enough, I wonder, for us to collectively make a change?
Excellent.
Karenina
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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This is as immersive as fiction gets. I found myself sitting quietly after reading it, wondering if it could not have been a testimonial given to Congress on the state of our youth in our world today. You make it real. You make it personal. This is your gift, as a writer. It does break our hearts. Enough, I wonder, for us to collectively make a change?
Excellent.
Karenina
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Karenina, for your extra-special six-star review. It was so nice to see your review popup and I hope you are getting better every day. Growing up where and the way I did, I've collected these visions over time. The first line came from a few weeks ago at the park. I asked the girl if there was anything I could do to help, but she gave me a frightened glance and hurried away. I just had to share that depressing day in the park. I hope if enough people speak out and do something, it might make a difference. I appreciate YOU!
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If your pebble and my pebble hit the same pond our ripples will resonate...
This is a hopeful thought. I am holding my own. (No I'm not...I can't hold anything!)-- Still, my mind is agile and this read was stimulating!
Karenina
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I'm sorry that it's taking so long to get everything working properly again. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain and persistence, but there's been no doubt from the beginning for me that, you're a winner! Mix and match, huh! Wiggles in the water . . . (HUG) Ric
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Hugs back at ya--or would if these darn arms would comply.
K
