Surf's Up
The best wave is not the last one but the next one.12 total reviews
Comment from Allezw2
Master Yardier,
Two ears and a tail.
It seems shorter tear jerkers or absolute blarney will trump thoughtful, well detailed and accurate postings every time with the present FS roster. It's a short read, quick chat, collect reward; done.
I think your piece deserved better. True historical fiction has verisimilitude, not the odd juxtapositions you see here so often. "Buried Memories" is a perfect example.
When challenged on blatantly gross factual errors, one author replied, "Well, this IS fiction."
I was a USN cold war kiddie cruiser (7-54/10-57). I remember these attitudes during the Vietnam era, first in college then the workplace. We had surfers that worked evenings so they could catch the first wave at dawn.
I also volunteered at a local VA Hospital when it was a neuro-psychiatric center during the Vietnam period. When the guys wanted to chat, I would listen and take notes later, then check for the 'sea stories'. The literature is there to enhance these postings, both fiction and history, if anyone wants to look.
Live long and write well,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2021
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Master Yardier,
Two ears and a tail.
It seems shorter tear jerkers or absolute blarney will trump thoughtful, well detailed and accurate postings every time with the present FS roster. It's a short read, quick chat, collect reward; done.
I think your piece deserved better. True historical fiction has verisimilitude, not the odd juxtapositions you see here so often. "Buried Memories" is a perfect example.
When challenged on blatantly gross factual errors, one author replied, "Well, this IS fiction."
I was a USN cold war kiddie cruiser (7-54/10-57). I remember these attitudes during the Vietnam era, first in college then the workplace. We had surfers that worked evenings so they could catch the first wave at dawn.
I also volunteered at a local VA Hospital when it was a neuro-psychiatric center during the Vietnam period. When the guys wanted to chat, I would listen and take notes later, then check for the 'sea stories'. The literature is there to enhance these postings, both fiction and history, if anyone wants to look.
Live long and write well,
Fantasist
Comment Written 28-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2021
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Thank you for the award and the nuance.
I am a writer not looking for a better place, I am in the better place; the Bullring by the sea. There's only one way to leave and as long as I can dance and dodge and conjugate a verb, I'm here to stay. Thank you once again.
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The pleasure is mine, Fantasist
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Muy interesante. We ran a 1320 NHRA B-Fuel dragster in the early '60s there and cycled to Rosarita Beach in the late eighties and early ninties.
Comment from Tpa
I enjoyed your story. It had a good ending. I thought you had a strong character. The beginning of your story had two long paragraphs, suggesting you break them down. Sentences: There were no waves. None.
One is significant. Good Luck in contest.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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I enjoyed your story. It had a good ending. I thought you had a strong character. The beginning of your story had two long paragraphs, suggesting you break them down. Sentences: There were no waves. None.
One is significant. Good Luck in contest.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you. I appreciate your input.
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Surfs up part two - 'The Knot' is now available for review.
Comment from NABattaglia
You really deliver a hook right away, even from the description that the best wave is not the last one but the next one--GREAT description. Thanks for sharing this one--it is very well done!
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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You really deliver a hook right away, even from the description that the best wave is not the last one but the next one--GREAT description. Thanks for sharing this one--it is very well done!
Comment Written 19-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you. I appreciate your input.
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Surfs Up part two - 'The Knot' is the follow up to 'Surfs Up' where the Mike Boat Mike was wounded. Some readers wanted to know what happened to him. Was he able to surf again? This story, 'The Knot' provides the answer. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to your constructive criticism.
Pays 10 points and 1.02 member dollars.
Comment from Midi O'Rourke
This is a good story about a seemingly ordinary guy. You have included humor in a grim story. The name Mike Boat Mike is funny and brings a smile. It is perfect for him and keeps his love of boats and surf in the readers mind. He starts out as a bungling loser and becomes an efficient soldier. Unfortunately, I was not in the military so I didn't know any of the lingo and missed all the imagery you created.
You did an excellent job of illustrating his love of all things surfing. The sentences; Mike Boat Mike didn't bother to turn around to answer Drake but continued to stare into the prop wash and considered how much it looked like the white water of a wave rushing toward shore and On the verge of unconsciousness and choking on air thick with diesel smoke, he gagged at the smell of his burnt flesh as he slid his wounded body deep into the muddy water to cool his burns and to be closer to the little waves are wonderful. I love the way he stares into a prop to imagine waves and how he moved his injured body to feel little waves.
This is a great sentence: ...sun setting through the translucent lip of the feathering wave just long enough for the vision to join with his soul, seemingly forever.
Very well written!
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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This is a good story about a seemingly ordinary guy. You have included humor in a grim story. The name Mike Boat Mike is funny and brings a smile. It is perfect for him and keeps his love of boats and surf in the readers mind. He starts out as a bungling loser and becomes an efficient soldier. Unfortunately, I was not in the military so I didn't know any of the lingo and missed all the imagery you created.
You did an excellent job of illustrating his love of all things surfing. The sentences; Mike Boat Mike didn't bother to turn around to answer Drake but continued to stare into the prop wash and considered how much it looked like the white water of a wave rushing toward shore and On the verge of unconsciousness and choking on air thick with diesel smoke, he gagged at the smell of his burnt flesh as he slid his wounded body deep into the muddy water to cool his burns and to be closer to the little waves are wonderful. I love the way he stares into a prop to imagine waves and how he moved his injured body to feel little waves.
This is a great sentence: ...sun setting through the translucent lip of the feathering wave just long enough for the vision to join with his soul, seemingly forever.
Very well written!
Comment Written 17-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you Midi. I understand an glossary is needed and will be provided at the end of a larger work. Thanks again for your review.
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Surfs Up part two - 'The Knot' is the follow up to 'Surfs Up' where the Mike Boat Mike was wounded. Some readers wanted to know what happened to him. Was he able to surf again? This story, 'The Knot' provides the answer. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to your constructive criticism.
Pays 10 points and 1.02 member dollars.
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Yes, I saw that. I'm very eager to read it . I came to like him. Thanks for letting me know. Cheers to great reviews!
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Wow! Just finished. Going to let it sink in before I review.
Comment from J.R. Michael
The amazing thing about this piece is that the reader cannot tell if this is a fictional or factual piece. You have painted a heartbreaking tale that captured what it was like for soldiers dealing with those circumstances. Your choice of descriptors vividly conveys both the beauty of surfing and the horrors of war. Well done.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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The amazing thing about this piece is that the reader cannot tell if this is a fictional or factual piece. You have painted a heartbreaking tale that captured what it was like for soldiers dealing with those circumstances. Your choice of descriptors vividly conveys both the beauty of surfing and the horrors of war. Well done.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you J.R. It is a balancing act for sure.
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Surfs Up part two - 'The Knot' is the follow up to 'Surfs Up' where the Mike Boat Mike was wounded. Some readers wanted to know what happened to him. Was he able to surf again? This story, 'The Knot' provides the answer. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to your constructive criticism.
Pays 10 points and 1.02 member dollars.
Comment from royowen
This is a great story pointing out the whimsy of young men with a penchant for surfing, and a desire and a lack of enthusiasm that parked Bob Dylan to write of old men seated safely behind desks, dictating patriotism and it's flimsy argument, to young men not interested, but couldn't avoid cohesion to fight in a war that was lost before it was fought. Beautifully written my friend, about the stark realities of these things. Beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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This is a great story pointing out the whimsy of young men with a penchant for surfing, and a desire and a lack of enthusiasm that parked Bob Dylan to write of old men seated safely behind desks, dictating patriotism and it's flimsy argument, to young men not interested, but couldn't avoid cohesion to fight in a war that was lost before it was fought. Beautifully written my friend, about the stark realities of these things. Beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you Roy. I will continue writing.
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Well done
Comment from irishauthorme
Very realistic and accurate. You had to have been there to know that much in detail. Mike Sullivan was a very real protagonist, a lot of kids like him around in those years in Southern CA and the bay area. Was lucky, visited Saigon courtesy US Navy just before all hell broke loose. Took sniper fire while unloading CARE shipment that included farming implements, tractors, etc. that probably went right over the border.
Great story that tells the brutal side of that war.
irish
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Very realistic and accurate. You had to have been there to know that much in detail. Mike Sullivan was a very real protagonist, a lot of kids like him around in those years in Southern CA and the bay area. Was lucky, visited Saigon courtesy US Navy just before all hell broke loose. Took sniper fire while unloading CARE shipment that included farming implements, tractors, etc. that probably went right over the border.
Great story that tells the brutal side of that war.
irish
Comment Written 17-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you Irish Author. Once there you can't forget it.
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Surfs Up part two - 'The Knot' is the follow up to 'Surfs Up' where the Mike Boat Mike was wounded. Some readers wanted to know what happened to him. Was he able to surf again? This story, 'The Knot' provides the answer. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to your constructive criticism.
Pays 10 points and 1.02 member dollars.
Comment from Frank Ball
This entry is very well done. Evidence that the author had this experience, or something like it, seems evident. The terms and expressions gave my mind a clear picture, but those things may not be so clear to a reader with other experience, I worry.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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This entry is very well done. Evidence that the author had this experience, or something like it, seems evident. The terms and expressions gave my mind a clear picture, but those things may not be so clear to a reader with other experience, I worry.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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You are correct Frank. A glossary is needed and will be provide at the end of a larger work. Thank you for your review.
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Surfs Up part two - 'The Knot' is the follow up to 'Surfs Up' where the Mike Boat Mike was wounded. Some readers wanted to know what happened to him. Was he able to surf again? This story, 'The Knot' provides the answer. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to your constructive criticism.
Pays 10 points and 1.02 member dollars.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is an excellent story. I enjoyed reading this contest entry. My major suggestion is you tend to use too many words in saying something. I have pointed out a few areas, but there are many others. Good luck with the contest.
He had barely graduated out of high school a year and a half earlier with less than average grades, and now that he was about to turn nineteen with the Vietnam war in full power he knew his number was going to be called. (This is one heck of a run-on sentence and it's wordy. Try - A year and a half earlier he had graduated from high school. The Vietnam War was in full power, and being nineteen, he knew his number would be called.)
"Tugboats," He said, barely hiding his disgust. (speech tag, so the 'h' on he needs to be lower case)
Mike looked up and smiled a soft smile, "Hawaii...?" (again too many words, how about? Mike looked up with a soft smile, "Hawaii...?")
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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This is an excellent story. I enjoyed reading this contest entry. My major suggestion is you tend to use too many words in saying something. I have pointed out a few areas, but there are many others. Good luck with the contest.
He had barely graduated out of high school a year and a half earlier with less than average grades, and now that he was about to turn nineteen with the Vietnam war in full power he knew his number was going to be called. (This is one heck of a run-on sentence and it's wordy. Try - A year and a half earlier he had graduated from high school. The Vietnam War was in full power, and being nineteen, he knew his number would be called.)
"Tugboats," He said, barely hiding his disgust. (speech tag, so the 'h' on he needs to be lower case)
Mike looked up and smiled a soft smile, "Hawaii...?" (again too many words, how about? Mike looked up with a soft smile, "Hawaii...?")
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thanks Barbara. I know, I am wordy. I like your suggestion regarding "Soft Smile" I changed it and like the simplicity of it.
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Surfs Up part two - 'The Knot' is the follow up to 'Surfs Up' where the Mike Boat Mike was wounded. Some readers wanted to know what happened to him. Was he able to surf again? This story, 'The Knot' provides the answer. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to your constructive criticism.
Pays 10 points and 1.02 member dollars.
Comment from RodG
This is a terrific story about the horrors of war. I liked it because (1) you do a superb job introducing and characterizing Mike Boat Mike, (2) you PUT US THERE when the rocket hits the boat and Mike is blown into the mud bank,(3) the powerful ending when Drake's body is retrieved and a member of the team is lost, and (4) the author's knowledge of surfing, Army crafts, weaponry and warfare. I am a member of the Vietnam generation so I really can relate Mike. I hope this lengthy story gets the views it deserves. Rod
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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This is a terrific story about the horrors of war. I liked it because (1) you do a superb job introducing and characterizing Mike Boat Mike, (2) you PUT US THERE when the rocket hits the boat and Mike is blown into the mud bank,(3) the powerful ending when Drake's body is retrieved and a member of the team is lost, and (4) the author's knowledge of surfing, Army crafts, weaponry and warfare. I am a member of the Vietnam generation so I really can relate Mike. I hope this lengthy story gets the views it deserves. Rod
Comment Written 17-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you Rod.
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Surfs Up part two - 'The Knot' is the follow up to 'Surfs Up' where the Mike Boat Mike was wounded. Some readers wanted to know what happened to him. Was he able to surf again? This story, 'The Knot' provides the answer. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to your constructive criticism.
Pays 10 points and 1.02 member dollars.
