A Long Thaw
Who knows what's beneath the ice?12 total reviews
Comment from JamesW019
This was really good, I can tell you work with short stories because this was perfectly executed with pacing, dialogue, and the twist ending. The fact that I came expecting a horror story and got so caught up in the romance that the twist actually made my stomach drop should say as much. Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it coming, but the fact that reading it still unsettled me (in a good way, of course) shows how caught up I got in it. In my humble opinion, I would say this should take the #1 spot in the contest, but it's a little late for that. At least have some consolation knowing that a random person thinks it should have won
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2022
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This was really good, I can tell you work with short stories because this was perfectly executed with pacing, dialogue, and the twist ending. The fact that I came expecting a horror story and got so caught up in the romance that the twist actually made my stomach drop should say as much. Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it coming, but the fact that reading it still unsettled me (in a good way, of course) shows how caught up I got in it. In my humble opinion, I would say this should take the #1 spot in the contest, but it's a little late for that. At least have some consolation knowing that a random person thinks it should have won
Comment Written 19-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2022
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That's so cool and kind of you to say! Thank you much. I'm glad that, even though you expected it, the ending still caught you a bit off guard. I'm smiling about your review and appreciate it very much.
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I know thsi took second place but there are still a few things in here you could address.
on that frozen graveyard literally chilled her to the bone.- not sure it literally did...
"Whatcha doin', Miss Vogal?" / I'm going to work real hard, Miss Vogel.- character name spelt differently.
"what kind of woman would do that??" - this should start with a capital.
pushing aside the strange look that has raced through those green eyes. - had rather than has.
"Was I ? Smiling?"- spacing here.
"Big-time. Like, from here..." He touched her cheek lightly under her left eye. "to here." - technically the last bit of dialogue should be upper case to start. The previous sentence is closed off even though the dialogue is continuing. To rectify use a comm instead of a period for the previous sentence.
There's a lot of sighing going on...
" Maybe in the spring... - spacing.
It didn't fully read like horror to me, but hey, I'm not on the committee. Horror is as much to do with the emotion as the deeds committed.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2022
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Hi there,
I know thsi took second place but there are still a few things in here you could address.
on that frozen graveyard literally chilled her to the bone.- not sure it literally did...
"Whatcha doin', Miss Vogal?" / I'm going to work real hard, Miss Vogel.- character name spelt differently.
"what kind of woman would do that??" - this should start with a capital.
pushing aside the strange look that has raced through those green eyes. - had rather than has.
"Was I ? Smiling?"- spacing here.
"Big-time. Like, from here..." He touched her cheek lightly under her left eye. "to here." - technically the last bit of dialogue should be upper case to start. The previous sentence is closed off even though the dialogue is continuing. To rectify use a comm instead of a period for the previous sentence.
There's a lot of sighing going on...
" Maybe in the spring... - spacing.
It didn't fully read like horror to me, but hey, I'm not on the committee. Horror is as much to do with the emotion as the deeds committed.
All the best
G
Comment Written 17-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2022
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Wow... That's a lot of errors. How in the world did I take any place at all... Thank you. I'll fix all this and keep it for a horror contest on another site or magazine submission. I like the story, so want to give it another chance.
I always appreciate your sharp eye and technical understanding of our craft.
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from L. Kalere
OMG Debora, we're going down this horror "thing" hand in hand! Congratulations to both of us. Will there be a sequel to Every Dark Thing, now? Wow, in addition to horror, you're a romance writer...what a winning combo! (I was going for the gore this time, yuck! Even freaked myself out). I'm really looking forward to reading more of your stories and anthologies. You are indeed multi-talented.
Linda
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2022
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OMG Debora, we're going down this horror "thing" hand in hand! Congratulations to both of us. Will there be a sequel to Every Dark Thing, now? Wow, in addition to horror, you're a romance writer...what a winning combo! (I was going for the gore this time, yuck! Even freaked myself out). I'm really looking forward to reading more of your stories and anthologies. You are indeed multi-talented.
Linda
Comment Written 16-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2022
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And congratulations to you, too, Linda! Funny thing - I entered this so long ago that I'd forgotten I did. I saw the deadline was approaching, quickly wrote out a short story and didn't get it entered in time. I was stunned beyond when I saw my name on a contest I didn't realize I'd entered! lol
I read your entry, as well. My only suggesiton is to watch the comma use. You had some serious comma splices. I hate those things! They're such little tricksters... :)
Congrats again and blessings,
Deb
Comment from Allezw2
Nicely done, Lady DD. A seeming touch of romance cleverly masks a sinister intent achieved and the desired consequences only in abeyance for the nonce.
The benign introduction does not prepare the reader for the shock of her malevolence.
So much unsaid and left to the reader's thoughts.
Well, lady, I presume you heeded one adage of seven days pass before the sea gives up its dead? Surely you took a cue from those ne'er do good'uns who ambushed traders plying the roads of commerce along the rivers and tracks of colonial and post colonial America?
Eviscerate the corpse so the gases of decomposition vent instead of inflating the relatively gas-tight body's chest and abdominal cavities. The abdomen, itself quite impermeable with its myriad feet of intestine and other potential gas accumulating organs, such as the stomach, need special attention. Then, with offal shredded and tossed aside, you fill these cavities with stones and chuck the victim into deep water as fish food, never to be seen again.
I had fun with this in my "Adeline Street - 1927" in my portfolio.
Again, well done, though the ambiguous circumstance of her paragon's activities are left to the reader to wonder at.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2021
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Nicely done, Lady DD. A seeming touch of romance cleverly masks a sinister intent achieved and the desired consequences only in abeyance for the nonce.
The benign introduction does not prepare the reader for the shock of her malevolence.
So much unsaid and left to the reader's thoughts.
Well, lady, I presume you heeded one adage of seven days pass before the sea gives up its dead? Surely you took a cue from those ne'er do good'uns who ambushed traders plying the roads of commerce along the rivers and tracks of colonial and post colonial America?
Eviscerate the corpse so the gases of decomposition vent instead of inflating the relatively gas-tight body's chest and abdominal cavities. The abdomen, itself quite impermeable with its myriad feet of intestine and other potential gas accumulating organs, such as the stomach, need special attention. Then, with offal shredded and tossed aside, you fill these cavities with stones and chuck the victim into deep water as fish food, never to be seen again.
I had fun with this in my "Adeline Street - 1927" in my portfolio.
Again, well done, though the ambiguous circumstance of her paragon's activities are left to the reader to wonder at.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2021
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WOW... I"m going to bookmark that. I'd like to read it, but this wee is out for my 'fun reading', I'm afraid. I have a couple of end-of-the-month deadlines that I can only HOPE to make. lol.
I'm glad you were surprised by the ending and enjoyed the read.
Blessings!Deb
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Before mine was The Travels of Jaimie McPheeters (TV Series 1963?1964) and the 1958 novel it was based on: The Travels of Jaimie McPheeters -
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Travels_of_Jaimie_McPheeters
It, too, has a shocking ending.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Deb, I liked the story a lot, and I didn't see that ending coming. Wow, so she murdered his wife. It was also very well written.
I didn't find any mistakes at all. All best, Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2021
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Hi Deb, I liked the story a lot, and I didn't see that ending coming. Wow, so she murdered his wife. It was also very well written.
I didn't find any mistakes at all. All best, Ulla:)))
Comment Written 27-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2021
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Hi Ulla!
I'm glad the ending blind-sided you. :) She's an evil little first-grade teacher...
Been missing reading for you; I need to get back on a schedule! Life is as nuts here as I"m sure it is there. :)
Blessings,
Deb
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I would love you to find the time😊😊
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Well, to be brutally honest Deb I really enjoyed your story and I loved the ending, even though I was thinking that would be the outcome. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers
Valda
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2021
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Well, to be brutally honest Deb I really enjoyed your story and I loved the ending, even though I was thinking that would be the outcome. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers
Valda
Comment Written 24-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2021
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You, Valda, are one of two people who saw it coming, both here and in my beta group! I think that qualifies you for some kind of prize. :) Come to Texas and I'll take you to lunch! (Seriously - you ever make it this far in, I'm yours! lol)
Thank you for the encouragement and those pretty stars. I appreciate both.
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
You could make this whole little story into a very successful book. This was good from beginning to the end. I've been away for a long time but it's stuff like this what makes me wish I'd never left.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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You could make this whole little story into a very successful book. This was good from beginning to the end. I've been away for a long time but it's stuff like this what makes me wish I'd never left.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Then welcome back!
Thank you for those very kind words and the stars. The words mean more to me than you can know.
A book... I don't think I'm quite that caliber mystery writer, but I might pass it along to someone I know who is. It would be a fun one, wouldn't it. :)
Blessings and again, welcome back!
Deb
Comment from Susan Newell
You asked for brutal honesty, and I hope you meant it, because that's my preference. The grammar, punctuation and general writing are all good. It's a good thing Amanda is a teacher, because her dialogue with Crystal was pure edu-speak. There were two things that made this not believable for me. First, the ending was no surprise after the long intro about a frozen graveyard; and second, I found the dialogue with Jon section a bit sophomoric. I think both things could be remedied. The plot is an interesting one.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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You asked for brutal honesty, and I hope you meant it, because that's my preference. The grammar, punctuation and general writing are all good. It's a good thing Amanda is a teacher, because her dialogue with Crystal was pure edu-speak. There were two things that made this not believable for me. First, the ending was no surprise after the long intro about a frozen graveyard; and second, I found the dialogue with Jon section a bit sophomoric. I think both things could be remedied. The plot is an interesting one.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you! I actually get a bit tired of 5-star reviews for work I know isn't worth that.
I'll take another look at the dialogue section. That's pretty important, so I'll redo it completely.
You're the first of several readers to catch the ending ahead of time, so congratulate yourself. Most just thought a friend had died. I'll look again at that, as well.
Thank you so much! You are actually encouraging. :)
Blessings,
Deb
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You are welcome. I always try for constructive criticism, but it isn't always welcome. I also tire of all the fives. How do I know my five is valid if I see fives scattered by the same person on what should be threes? We would all benefit from more honest reviewing.
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a clever piece. The horror delayed till the last line is even more effective when we realise what this 'nice' young teacher has done, with the body of the girl's mother.
There is a lovely red herring earlier - John's bruised knuckles - that gets us thinking that she is going to end up his victim of violence. The normality of the whole provides a splendid introduction increasing the shock effect when the last line comes.
I did notice a few things you need to do to tidy it up for the judges:
'...the ice would thaw and fishermen (and), boaters and swimmers would return...' => replace the second and with a comma.
'"I don't know, Jon. She obviously...' => Earlier in this paragraph you spelled his name John, and you use that spelling again later on so I think this is the mistake.
Maybe in the spring."
"The spring," she repeated numbly. => At the paragraph break, where there is a new speaker you need a line space.
...new thought assailed her.
Or maybe... But she shook her head. => and again a new paragraph needs a line space.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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This is a clever piece. The horror delayed till the last line is even more effective when we realise what this 'nice' young teacher has done, with the body of the girl's mother.
There is a lovely red herring earlier - John's bruised knuckles - that gets us thinking that she is going to end up his victim of violence. The normality of the whole provides a splendid introduction increasing the shock effect when the last line comes.
I did notice a few things you need to do to tidy it up for the judges:
'...the ice would thaw and fishermen (and), boaters and swimmers would return...' => replace the second and with a comma.
'"I don't know, Jon. She obviously...' => Earlier in this paragraph you spelled his name John, and you use that spelling again later on so I think this is the mistake.
Maybe in the spring."
"The spring," she repeated numbly. => At the paragraph break, where there is a new speaker you need a line space.
...new thought assailed her.
Or maybe... But she shook her head. => and again a new paragraph needs a line space.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Thank you, Patty. I was careless on some pretty major points when it comes to judging! I"ll dash over and fix those now. :)
Many thanks and blessings,
Deb
Comment from AJ McCall
WHAT?!?!?! I knew what I read 'Fran was underneath there somewhere' I knew something was right about this story. So, Amanda killed Fran to get her husband?!!? That's INSANE! And John doesn't know it. No wonder she was looking out at the ice like that. That was a perfect hook at the ending Deb!!!
I did spot a typo: NOt anymore."
I'm sure you're gonna win. And you were thinking of adding audio?!! LOL.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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WHAT?!?!?! I knew what I read 'Fran was underneath there somewhere' I knew something was right about this story. So, Amanda killed Fran to get her husband?!!? That's INSANE! And John doesn't know it. No wonder she was looking out at the ice like that. That was a perfect hook at the ending Deb!!!
I did spot a typo: NOt anymore."
I'm sure you're gonna win. And you were thinking of adding audio?!! LOL.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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I LOVE AUDIO! lol. And I have it recorded, in mp3 format... And it won't upload. I"m trying again this morning. It really appeals to my drama-person soul to do audios... Even if no one here enjoys them HALF as much as I do! lol
Thank you for the catch - no one else saw it.
I was worried about the line about Fran right at the beginning. I'm glad it's not too much. One reviewer figured it out from that, but no one else (here or in my 'real' world) caught it.
Thanks again, friend!
Let's start taking another lok at that horror anthology. Still interested? It's been such a weird and crazy year... Again...
Blessings!
Deb
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LOL. You should try the mp4 format, that should work although I never uploaded any audio to a post on here. Not everyone is going to catch on, if someone did that means they're experienced readers! LOL. Yeah, we can go over the shorts again. As you said, it's been another crazy year... Oh, and before I forget, you're welcome!! :)
