Traffic
Viewing comments for Chapter 48 "Collateral "With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
11 total reviews
Comment from rockinm76233
Well, this story seems to have lots of adventure and many questions. Will they get their car fixed, what will the next person they meet have in common with the ones they already have met. Good job.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Well, this story seems to have lots of adventure and many questions. Will they get their car fixed, what will the next person they meet have in common with the ones they already have met. Good job.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your involved review. I'm glad you like the adventure of this. Just about every chapter has suspense. The first 13 are the most suspenseful. The ladies are rescuing 10 Native teens from a trafficking house. It turns out Tommy who they later met, is the brother to one of the girls rescued.
Comment from M white
Thank you for your very interesting chapter. The paragraph starting with "he paused before" is missing the end parenthesis. Also, misspelled "asked" before "Tommy, don't."
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your very interesting chapter. The paragraph starting with "he paused before" is missing the end parenthesis. Also, misspelled "asked" before "Tommy, don't."
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your involved review. The word is tsked. But upon reflection, it probably needs some sort of quotation mark. I'm glad you found the chapter interesting. We are winding down. The first 13 chapters are the gold in this book. The ladies rescue 10 Native teens from a trafficking operation.
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Oh, you're right. I read it as asked, not the sound tsk. Got it. Thank you.
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***smile***
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Ok, they have a charger but do they have a car? Good cliffhanger to end on. At one point you say, Liz tsked. Actually you need her to say the sound with a comma and go into next sentence immediately and then, Liz said "That it . . ." I can't spell tsk so I'd use simply "Oh, you don't . . . " Also be sure you have one space between sentences.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Ok, they have a charger but do they have a car? Good cliffhanger to end on. At one point you say, Liz tsked. Actually you need her to say the sound with a comma and go into next sentence immediately and then, Liz said "That it . . ." I can't spell tsk so I'd use simply "Oh, you don't . . . " Also be sure you have one space between sentences.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your involved review. I laughed at your question. Did you peek at my next chapter? lol
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No, but I like the thought I am actually guessing what's coming.
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lol
Comment from dellsworthpoet
A nice scene. The pace is good. The dialogue is believable. The language fits the situation. The selection ends at a good point.
A good read. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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A nice scene. The pace is good. The dialogue is believable. The language fits the situation. The selection ends at a good point.
A good read. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your review of substance, a lot like my reviews.
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You are welcome.
Comment from SHABAMO
You did a great job with the story and making it clear that the main charachters were vulnerable and made wolf seem appropriately named as a potential predator. Good work!
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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You did a great job with the story and making it clear that the main charachters were vulnerable and made wolf seem appropriately named as a potential predator. Good work!
Comment Written 19-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your review of substance. Similar to my reviews.
We are at the culmination of many adventures based upon the two ladies rescuing 10 Native teens from a trafficking operation.. I invite you to read the first 13 chapters in my portfolio about the rescue. Every chapter is suspenseful. There is no need to write a review. Others have done this too. I just want you to treat it like a book you might read to enjoy. ***Spoiler *** Tommy, offers the ladies a place to rest & enjoy some of his cooking. He is on his way to a food festival & there is a traffic jam because of brush fires. The irony is he is the brother of one of the girls who are rescued. Enjoy it if you have the opportunity.
Comment from aryr
This was a great continuation chapter, Liz. So now we know what his name is, Wolf and what he is willing to take as collateral, his deepest wish is a clean pot and fresh cup of joe but at least he is willing to take the watch. Time will tell if he is honest. Very well done and enjoyed, great picture.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2021
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This was a great continuation chapter, Liz. So now we know what his name is, Wolf and what he is willing to take as collateral, his deepest wish is a clean pot and fresh cup of joe but at least he is willing to take the watch. Time will tell if he is honest. Very well done and enjoyed, great picture.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your ever loyal reviewing. I'm glad you are enjoying the story.
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How could I not? It was so enjoyable and you are so very welcome, Liz.
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***a big smile***
Comment from Judy Lawless
You've done a great job with this chapter, Liz. I'm glad that this crew is getting closer to getting the car started so they can all be on their way again. I don't blame the women for not wanting to stay at the garage.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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You've done a great job with this chapter, Liz. I'm glad that this crew is getting closer to getting the car started so they can all be on their way again. I don't blame the women for not wanting to stay at the garage.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your involved review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from lancellot
A well written chapter. I'm glad you wrote what the readers were thinking when the garage due said we wanted collateral. I'm sure that would not have been good for either girl. But, things turned out okay, and no one was abused.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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A well written chapter. I'm glad you wrote what the readers were thinking when the garage due said we wanted collateral. I'm sure that would not have been good for either girl. But, things turned out okay, and no one was abused.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your involved review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from lyenochka
Whew! Good call, Tommy! I couldn't believe that Wolf wanted to have one of the ladies stay with him. Who knew what he had in mind in addition to cleaning the coffeepot. Creepy! I guess the "being smudged" involves Indian medicinal treatment.
I am curious about the car lookalike. Guess we'll learn more...
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Whew! Good call, Tommy! I couldn't believe that Wolf wanted to have one of the ladies stay with him. Who knew what he had in mind in addition to cleaning the coffeepot. Creepy! I guess the "being smudged" involves Indian medicinal treatment.
I am curious about the car lookalike. Guess we'll learn more...
Comment Written 17-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your loyal following. I'm glad you are enjoying it. Smudging is done by burning sage and emersing one's spirit in the smoke by directing the smoke in the direction of the body.
Comment from Jay Squires
Well, it looks like the girls' adventures continue on. You seem to be having a lot of fun writing this tale. I noted a few things as I read along.
"Yuh, as long as nothing happens to the charger." [It would be a good idea to add a character tag here, as I have no idea who is speaking.]
"It's a prize got it for an award I won at a cooking contest a couple of years ago." [you need to end the sentence, "It's a prize." Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. I realize you want to keep the rhythm of speech, but even dialogue needs to be punctuated.]
Alright, yuh, that'll do." [You need opening quote marks.]
Their seatbelts remained unfastened for the short ride back to The Way Down Back Auto Repair shop. [Whatever the name of the business is called, you should either Italicize it or enclose it in quotes.]
Also, in the above quote, why did "Their seatbelts remained unfastened..."? It immediately alerted my mind that there will be some effect to their leaving their seatbelts unfastened, but nothing came of it. So, why even mention it?
The two cohorts looked at each other with shrugs. [Unless their shrugs had eyes, they wouldn't be looked at each other with them. I would suggest something more like, "They shrugged and stared at each other."]
are rescued by a Native American young man who is a chef. [... who is a chef? As in a restaurant? Or a chief?]
Tommy is a Native American Chef who gave them a ride and delicious food [Well ... I suppose he could be a chef.]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Well, it looks like the girls' adventures continue on. You seem to be having a lot of fun writing this tale. I noted a few things as I read along.
"Yuh, as long as nothing happens to the charger." [It would be a good idea to add a character tag here, as I have no idea who is speaking.]
"It's a prize got it for an award I won at a cooking contest a couple of years ago." [you need to end the sentence, "It's a prize." Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. I realize you want to keep the rhythm of speech, but even dialogue needs to be punctuated.]
Alright, yuh, that'll do." [You need opening quote marks.]
Their seatbelts remained unfastened for the short ride back to The Way Down Back Auto Repair shop. [Whatever the name of the business is called, you should either Italicize it or enclose it in quotes.]
Also, in the above quote, why did "Their seatbelts remained unfastened..."? It immediately alerted my mind that there will be some effect to their leaving their seatbelts unfastened, but nothing came of it. So, why even mention it?
The two cohorts looked at each other with shrugs. [Unless their shrugs had eyes, they wouldn't be looked at each other with them. I would suggest something more like, "They shrugged and stared at each other."]
are rescued by a Native American young man who is a chef. [... who is a chef? As in a restaurant? Or a chief?]
Tommy is a Native American Chef who gave them a ride and delicious food [Well ... I suppose he could be a chef.]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your great review. Very helpful observations. We are at the culmination of many adventures based upon the two ladies rescuing 10 Native teens from a trafficking operation.. I invite you to read the first 13 chapters in my portfolio about the rescue. Every chapter is suspenseful. There is no need to write a review. Others have done this too. I just want you to treat it like a book you might read to enjoy. ***Spoiler *** Tommy, offers the ladies a place to rest & enjoy some of his cooking. He is on his way to a food festival & there is a traffic jam because of brush fires. The irony is he is the brother of one of the girls who are rescued. Enjoy it if you have the opportunity.
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So ... Is Tommy a chef? Or a Chief? Or both? Thank you for the offer to read the chapters leading up to this. I am too old to make such a promise, but I will sample chapters as I have in the past. I read the one just leading up to the rescue of the trafficked teens.
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Tommy is a chef, he offered the ladies some good food. He was on his way to a food festival. But there was a delay because the forest/brush fire fighting machines were blocking the the highway. Many of the cars surrounding him were doing the same. When he was informed by Liz that his hotel & possibly the event was a haven for traffickers, he decided, he didn't want to have any part of any of it.
