Reviews from

Eavesdroppers Are We All

Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Eavesdroppers Are We All, Sc. 2 "
A Reader Caught in the Middle of an Intrigue

29 total reviews 
Comment from Father Flaps
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Well, Jay, I know you've got something up your sleeve here. It had me quite muddled for a while. But after the third reading, I started to get a grip on things.
There's a lot of characters in your play, and I figured the best thing to do was get them firmly planted in my pointed head.
The situation... a blizzard has pushed a greyhound off the road and into a snowbank on New Year's Eve. A shuttle has delivered the passengers to a nearby roadside diner. Nobody was hurt.
Of course, it was fun to see Cornelius and Jennie again, married no less! And Cornie's old pal, Cililla, is still keeping him company.
There's Gregory. Cililla doesn't seem to have much respect for him. She calls him "Scribe", callously. He's been magically transported from a Fanstory review into this mix of jostled travelers. Pen and pad in hand, he's been forced to write down the minutes of this meeting. It seems like Cililla is his foreman, and she's just a tad impatient.
The owners of the diner, "Eat and Leave Happy Diner", are Jackson and Martha. They have been very hospitable, offering meals-cots-blankets at no cost. They are even trying to get the bus refugees talking to each other... introductions. I give them full marks.
Other wayfarers are:
10 year old Wallace Piebald and his parents, Robert & Henrietta
Tom, the shuttle driver
Retired Judge Bett Stabler and her boyfriend's grandson, Jay Squires III. She's 85. He's 38.
I noted that the judge can see Cililla. I was surprised about that. I thought she was just in Cornie's head. But actually, I think Gregory can see her, too.
Then there's another mysterious man in the shadows. Gregory thinks he knows him... Harry Lowery. I don't believe he's a passenger from the bus.
And Rudy is the dog, a terrier mix. He likes everybody.

So, you've brought all these people together, Jay. What have you got up your sleeve?
I can hear the blizzard blowing like crazy outside... literally! We are having our third blizzard in Saint John in a week!
I remember another great story, a movie... "The Poseidon Adventure" ... similarly, there were passengers who found themselves in a predicament on New Year's Eve. How to survive a tragedy? I'm sure we'll learn more in the next scene.
Great writing! Keep up the good work, Jay!
Cheers,
Kimbob



 Comment Written 14-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
    Haaaaaay, Kimbob, thanks for the sixer and your huge summary. Next scene is where things start coming together. I think you're gonna like it. And scene 4 should be even stronger. Time will tell. Again thanks, Kimbob.
Comment from GregoryCody
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Oooh GREAT addition. I still don't understand how you write so fast. And well.

This STORY is GREAT. I mean the plot etc. It's entertaining and kind of eerie as I said.

I like Gregory's personality. I also like the idea of him being a scribe, an eavesdropper. He does it for his whatever site it was: Fanstory hahaha. I love it. He's uncomfortable and humble it seems.

Great job. And btw I do not just give you sixes bc of who you are. I usually give pointers. This, i have no words of critism. It's just that good. THAT'S why I give it a six.

 Comment Written 12-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 12-Jan-2022
    While I glow in their ambiance, you don't need to give me sixes, Gregory. Reading and recording a review is plenty enough.

    Thank you m' bud!
Comment from sandramitchell
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I'm having a problem trying to sort this part out, Jay. I'm sure, knowing you, the next part you post will clear things up. I've come back to it twice thinking I'm missing something, and I'm sure I am. I also wondered if I'd missed the ending of the previous story about the priest. I'll be waiting for the next part to this one, my friend. I hated writing this because I love your scripts. Am I losing the plot?? Love and hugs, my friend. Sandra xx

 Comment Written 11-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 12-Jan-2022
    No, no, Sandra. Thanks for your candor. I'm doing some experimental stuff here and you're not the only one having trouble with it. The next scene, I'm hoping, will get more characters involved. Thank you for hanging in there, though.

    I haven't forgotten the priest's story, but he has a tough decision to make, and I think he was hoping I'd help him with the answer. The blind leading the blind!
Comment from Begin Again
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

The concept of the script is so interesting, yet this lady is a bit confused in trying to follow. No fault of yours I am sure. I will reading again because I loved the beginning and want to wrap my head around all of it.

Smiles, Carol

 Comment Written 11-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 12-Jan-2022
    Carol, don't be concerned. Sandra said pretty much the same thing after reading it twice. But I think, if you will be patient for the next scene, I hope things will start coming together. We'll see! I'm thrilled that you're reading it through, then again.
Comment from lancellot
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I am a bit confused right now. I haven't yet identified the plot of the story or play for sure. I'm guessing some form of change or problems people have will be fixed by the angel. Also, are these 'characters' from your other stories?



Like in your individual cars instead of a {shuttle. to get} a bite to eat before going on.

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    No one's an angel. Guilty of being a bit slow in developing the plotline, and yes, these are characters from my other plays. Thanks for taking a chance on it, though. I appreciate your candor.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Great script, Jay. Your stage directions are spot on and really add to our perception of the scene.

The idea is unique. An invisible observer who, as luck would have it, is a member of the world famous FanStorian community.

There is an overall idea that there is more to this gathering than happenstance. We wait to see what the deeper story is while our dear writer struggles with his desire to eavesdrop.

Did you finish the last script about the priest?

Take care,
Rhonda

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    Thank you for your mention of the last script. I haven't given up on it. Just sitting idle until I fuel it up again. In the meantime, thanks for taking a chance with this one, and hanging on for something to develop. I promise you, it will. The six is lovely. Bless you.
reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 12-Jan-2022
    I always enjoy your work, Jay. Your stories are unique and engaging. I can always count on you for unexpected characters and storylines.
    Blessings to you as well. You count as one of my oldest friends on this site (by length of time, lol).
Comment from amahra
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Your story seems to be warming up, Jay--not that it was cold before. I just mean things are getting a little more interesting. I love that Cililla is back but without her victory dance I liked so much. Just one thing below:

WALLACE'S FATHER:
My boy likes it ... okay?! [don't need both ?!] Editors are now saying. The reader knows it's a question because of the intense back and forth dialogue between them. So, it's either ["...Okay! or "...Okay? he barked, yelled, shouted, etc..]

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    Thank you, Amahra for your continued support, and for the suggestion. I have been an advocate for single punctuation, so I can tell you, I did it (for good or ill) with my eyes wide open. I'll look at it when the scene is over in light of your suggestion. In the meantime, you are appreciated!
Comment from RGstar
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi Jay,
Feeling this one out a little. With the inclusion of Fanstory, I am curious how you will play this one out.

As usual, at one with your writing. It takes a little while to settle, to have an idea of its direction, but a great opening ...chapter 2.
I will be in to support.

Looking forward to its progress.
Best wishes.
RG

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    Blessings, R.G. It is a little slow beginning. The first scene I allowed for the audience to go out and buy popcorn and when they came back to ferret around for their opera glasses. LOL, your support is appreciated, friend.
Comment from Ulla
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Ah, this is interesting, Jay.So you let the players (Fanstory writers) plus some of your own characters from previous plays getting stuck together due to the snowstorm, and now we await how that is going to pan out. Even Tom is there. I like it. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    Would you believe, Ulla, when you mentioned Tom, that was the first time I thought of it. It was unintentional, believe me. Thanks for the six stars. You are always a blessing!
Comment from MissMerri
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Definitely an A plus for creativity and an A for intrigue and also for editing... equals six stars. I always enjoy how you create your scenes and dialogue which reveal the various and unique characters in your play. It is similar to watching a movie. I would not mind at all if you chose to make the scenes a little longer. To me, they seem to end too soon. But then, the reader is anxiously looking forward to the next post... a good thing.

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022


reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    Bless you, Merri. I'm glad you took a relaxed approach to this play. I'm trying some new things and it hasn't been uniformly accepted by all readers. Ah, but your 6 makes up for all that. Thank you, my dear!