Children of Wintergreen Lea
Do you know your inner child?15 total reviews
Comment from Douglas Goff
Another fun read. I liked the voodoo doll comment. Anyways, this one had a great ending.
Here is review number fifteen!
Timeworn was great by the way! I see why it won.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2024
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Another fun read. I liked the voodoo doll comment. Anyways, this one had a great ending.
Here is review number fifteen!
Timeworn was great by the way! I see why it won.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2024
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Thank you, Douglas!
Comment from karenina
Hey John. I always expect to be intrigued by your writing and coming back to these earlier posts has been a joy. I am a firm believer in keeping close contact with my inner child...and when I forget, I assure you that same inner child sends me out to the park to find my mood swings and "get in touch!"
A few little typos: "Blaine through his carry on in the overhead compartment and plopped in his seat." (threw) (carry-on)
Also, wintergreen and Wintergreen seem to vacillate here and there from lower case to upper case...
A little cluster of "Evil Eddie gremlin characters where you didn't want them:
" I'm not sure how much a ton is, but it sounds like way more than my Pok�???�??�?�©mon bank can hold?"
----
Those are all simple little edits.
What's important here is the writing. You fully engaged me. I recall childhood experiences that logical adults would write treatises on how they could not possibly be true. Poor them.
They are true in my heart, and I am quite sure they remain in the hearts of the children with whom I experienced them!
I sat here and read over and over the final paragraph:
" As he ran through the entrance and into daylight; he watched the boy's body steadily melt into his own. Inches beyond the perimeter of the safety wall, Blaine collapsed to his side. His empty arms left crossed over his torso. It was in those seconds; that Blaine felt the healing warmth of the boy's blood burst into his veins, and the steady rhythm of the child's heart, beat against his own."
Tears in eyes.
No such thing as coincidences, John. I was meant to read this TODAY!
(Virtual six, alas, as it is Saturday--but oh my, you know how I feel!)
Karenina
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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Hey John. I always expect to be intrigued by your writing and coming back to these earlier posts has been a joy. I am a firm believer in keeping close contact with my inner child...and when I forget, I assure you that same inner child sends me out to the park to find my mood swings and "get in touch!"
A few little typos: "Blaine through his carry on in the overhead compartment and plopped in his seat." (threw) (carry-on)
Also, wintergreen and Wintergreen seem to vacillate here and there from lower case to upper case...
A little cluster of "Evil Eddie gremlin characters where you didn't want them:
" I'm not sure how much a ton is, but it sounds like way more than my Pok�???�??�?�©mon bank can hold?"
----
Those are all simple little edits.
What's important here is the writing. You fully engaged me. I recall childhood experiences that logical adults would write treatises on how they could not possibly be true. Poor them.
They are true in my heart, and I am quite sure they remain in the hearts of the children with whom I experienced them!
I sat here and read over and over the final paragraph:
" As he ran through the entrance and into daylight; he watched the boy's body steadily melt into his own. Inches beyond the perimeter of the safety wall, Blaine collapsed to his side. His empty arms left crossed over his torso. It was in those seconds; that Blaine felt the healing warmth of the boy's blood burst into his veins, and the steady rhythm of the child's heart, beat against his own."
Tears in eyes.
No such thing as coincidences, John. I was meant to read this TODAY!
(Virtual six, alas, as it is Saturday--but oh my, you know how I feel!)
Karenina
Comment Written 25-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2023
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Karenina! I'm so happy this had meaning for you. I believe that coincidence coincides with healing, and if this helped you in any way, it made the writing much more valuable than when I first penned it. So hang in there, my friend. The progressions of life are in the miracles to come. Hugs, and thank you!
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I always say " --God leads us where he needs us"
I will add: "God leads us where we need to be!"
:)
Comment from strandregs
John
I never read anything more than ten lines.
My eyes are tearing.
It brought back when I was ten and read four books a week.
For me your writing is brilliant on several levels.
The Idea.
The humour.
The enchantment , I want to keep reading to hear what comes next.
Impressing me isn't easy. Im Just a fed up rock. But you did it.
I am so happy.
I wish I could emulate your talent.
Something to aspire to. :-))Z.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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John
I never read anything more than ten lines.
My eyes are tearing.
It brought back when I was ten and read four books a week.
For me your writing is brilliant on several levels.
The Idea.
The humour.
The enchantment , I want to keep reading to hear what comes next.
Impressing me isn't easy. Im Just a fed up rock. But you did it.
I am so happy.
I wish I could emulate your talent.
Something to aspire to. :-))Z.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Thank you so much for the six stars and the excellent review. Lol, I don't know many (fed up rocks) beside myself so it's a pleasure to meet you and call you a friend. You are a talented rock my friend. Thank you again.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This story is interesting but I'm not too sure how far the subject is based on truth (be warned, I rarely read notes in my fiction reading, my professional life was too full of them). Fantasy isn't yet my thing (I'm going on a two week course on it starting next week), but I think I can understand it enough to see your major problem, you bury the most important stuff in the sandpit of trivia. Having said that, you have appreciable skill as a writer, but I think you already know that.
Detailed Analysis:
> Difficult to get into. Amiss and didn't in paragraph 2 hard words to choose.
> then it all went swimmingly (confirming what I wrote about Croaks Canyon that you handle dialogue well).
> ...until
Is it? Let me ask you: Have you ever heard anyone talk about their inner child?"
"I've heard mention of it. You're not going to tell me you believe that that's
> Just when the subject becomes complex, you distract the reader with poor punctuation (no capital after colon) and grammar (unnecessary repetition of that)
> you try hard to make the reader's life difficult in other ways. You're on the phone, you're phoning someone else with no hint you ever put the phone down. Then suddenly you're on a plane with no transition or indication of a break (note stars is a device I personally hate, but that's subjective). You need to work on your technicity to keep things as easy as possible for readers (you want to keep them reading right, not send them to sleep, or push them to put the book down).
SPAGs:
to many > too many
"Ma'am, he said, and edged his way into the aisle." > position of speech comma
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2022
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This story is interesting but I'm not too sure how far the subject is based on truth (be warned, I rarely read notes in my fiction reading, my professional life was too full of them). Fantasy isn't yet my thing (I'm going on a two week course on it starting next week), but I think I can understand it enough to see your major problem, you bury the most important stuff in the sandpit of trivia. Having said that, you have appreciable skill as a writer, but I think you already know that.
Detailed Analysis:
> Difficult to get into. Amiss and didn't in paragraph 2 hard words to choose.
> then it all went swimmingly (confirming what I wrote about Croaks Canyon that you handle dialogue well).
> ...until
Is it? Let me ask you: Have you ever heard anyone talk about their inner child?"
"I've heard mention of it. You're not going to tell me you believe that that's
> Just when the subject becomes complex, you distract the reader with poor punctuation (no capital after colon) and grammar (unnecessary repetition of that)
> you try hard to make the reader's life difficult in other ways. You're on the phone, you're phoning someone else with no hint you ever put the phone down. Then suddenly you're on a plane with no transition or indication of a break (note stars is a device I personally hate, but that's subjective). You need to work on your technicity to keep things as easy as possible for readers (you want to keep them reading right, not send them to sleep, or push them to put the book down).
SPAGs:
to many > too many
"Ma'am, he said, and edged his way into the aisle." > position of speech comma
Comment Written 13-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2022
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Thank you, Katherine, this is exactly what I was looking for. Much appreciated. Have fun with your fantasy course.
Comment from tfawcus
This is an intriguing story, John. Telling it from the point of view of the inner child trying to reconnect with the adult is a nice twist on the idea of an adult trying to reconnect with the child. There's great contrast, in that respect, between the two protagonists, Flerny and Blaine.
There are a few comments I'd make about the way you use dialogue. I've been reading quite a bit about it lately, for it has always been a weakness in my own writing.
Things to consider:
In a conversation between two people, they rarely if ever, call each other by name. The exception, which works fine here, is when they are identifying themselves over a telephone connection.
Beware of using dialogue as a vehicle for providing backstory to the reader - especially when it is something that the speakers already know. Look out especially for sentences that start, "Do you remember...?"
Dialogue is not the same thing as speech. Omit the trivia. If it's not elucidating character or furthering the plot, cut it.
I thought the way you described the melding of the inner child into Blaine's body was a wonderful way of ending the story.
I also very much liked the humorous backchat between Blaine and Flerny here:
"Flerny Boise! Is it really you?"
"Yes, Blaine it's really me."
Blaine pushed back in his chair and unbuttoned the bulging jacket of his blue pinstriped suit. "Geez, old girl, how long's it been? Thirty years or so?"
"Yes, I'm sure it's been all of that, old - boy."
"Yes, so, -" to what do I owe this honor? Your honor."
That's an example of a piece of dialogue that I thought worked really well.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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This is an intriguing story, John. Telling it from the point of view of the inner child trying to reconnect with the adult is a nice twist on the idea of an adult trying to reconnect with the child. There's great contrast, in that respect, between the two protagonists, Flerny and Blaine.
There are a few comments I'd make about the way you use dialogue. I've been reading quite a bit about it lately, for it has always been a weakness in my own writing.
Things to consider:
In a conversation between two people, they rarely if ever, call each other by name. The exception, which works fine here, is when they are identifying themselves over a telephone connection.
Beware of using dialogue as a vehicle for providing backstory to the reader - especially when it is something that the speakers already know. Look out especially for sentences that start, "Do you remember...?"
Dialogue is not the same thing as speech. Omit the trivia. If it's not elucidating character or furthering the plot, cut it.
I thought the way you described the melding of the inner child into Blaine's body was a wonderful way of ending the story.
I also very much liked the humorous backchat between Blaine and Flerny here:
"Flerny Boise! Is it really you?"
"Yes, Blaine it's really me."
Blaine pushed back in his chair and unbuttoned the bulging jacket of his blue pinstriped suit. "Geez, old girl, how long's it been? Thirty years or so?"
"Yes, I'm sure it's been all of that, old - boy."
"Yes, so, -" to what do I owe this honor? Your honor."
That's an example of a piece of dialogue that I thought worked really well.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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Thank you so much for your detailed review. This kind of critique is what I hope for when I post here. It's a great venue with great talent. I will go back in and make some changes to the dialogue and maybe add a bit more narrative to the mix. Thank you so much, sir.
Comment from Cristine22
First of all, I really enjoyed that. You kept my attention all the way through, and the ending was super satisfying. I'm impressed with how much story you were able to tell effectively using such a large percentage of dialog. There were a few places where I was confused about what exactly was happening, so I'd recommend clarifying the transitions. There are also a good number of punctuational errors, so I'd recommend a proofreading. I'd also be really interested to know the rest of Flerny's story. All in all, excellently done!
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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First of all, I really enjoyed that. You kept my attention all the way through, and the ending was super satisfying. I'm impressed with how much story you were able to tell effectively using such a large percentage of dialog. There were a few places where I was confused about what exactly was happening, so I'd recommend clarifying the transitions. There are also a good number of punctuational errors, so I'd recommend a proofreading. I'd also be really interested to know the rest of Flerny's story. All in all, excellently done!
Comment Written 11-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your review, Cristine. I will go back in for punctuation errors. fresh eyes always help. Thanks again.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Your choice of words are effectively onomatopoetic: "The crowd's breathy murmurs echoed within the walls" You will have catpured the reader with this line: "I know it is, Blaine, but I have been and I'm pretty sure they all have something to do with Wintergreen?" &"Do you ever wonder what really happened to us up there?" What a cautionary tale: "We grew up, Flerny. It's just that simple. This actually was thebasis for my therapy. It saved my life: "The part of our souls that need to be recognized and nurtured or it simply withers and dies."
***I'm just going to read the rest of this story & enjoy. Excellent. A+
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2022
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Your choice of words are effectively onomatopoetic: "The crowd's breathy murmurs echoed within the walls" You will have catpured the reader with this line: "I know it is, Blaine, but I have been and I'm pretty sure they all have something to do with Wintergreen?" &"Do you ever wonder what really happened to us up there?" What a cautionary tale: "We grew up, Flerny. It's just that simple. This actually was thebasis for my therapy. It saved my life: "The part of our souls that need to be recognized and nurtured or it simply withers and dies."
***I'm just going to read the rest of this story & enjoy. Excellent. A+
Comment Written 31-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2022
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Hi Liz! I thank you so much for taking the time to add your comments. I'm so glad you enjoyed it and am honored to have your review. We all need to feed our inner child to survive the struggles and pressures of adulthood. I can't imagine where I'd be if I couldn't tap in. I'm happy this was relatable for you and am positive you have been keeping your inner child nourished. Thank you once more.
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Yes I have with a recent exception when I was constantly putting someone else's manipulative needs before little Liz's
Comment from Mary Shifman
I loved this story. I was engaged throughout the story. I liked the ending, although I was sorry to see it end. I would like to know what happened to Judge Flerny and more about Wintergreen. You did a great job here. I did notice that the computer gremlin hit you several times so I've made note.
... defendant about �?�¢?
... how long's it been �?�¢?" thirty years or so?"
... been all of that, old �?�¢?" boy.
... "Hi �?�¢?" yes, good afternoon
... Pok�?�©mon bank can hold?"
... ? �?�¢?" untreatable like..."
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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I loved this story. I was engaged throughout the story. I liked the ending, although I was sorry to see it end. I would like to know what happened to Judge Flerny and more about Wintergreen. You did a great job here. I did notice that the computer gremlin hit you several times so I've made note.
... defendant about �?�¢?
... how long's it been �?�¢?" thirty years or so?"
... been all of that, old �?�¢?" boy.
... "Hi �?�¢?" yes, good afternoon
... Pok�?�©mon bank can hold?"
... ? �?�¢?" untreatable like..."
Comment Written 25-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2022
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Ahh, lol Thank you so much for the review, Mary. I will go in and delete that dirty gremlin's work.
Comment from BethShelby
I loved your story, although I kept expecting Blaine to meet the judge again, that he knew as a child. I've always kept in touch with my inner child, and I interact with her on a daily basis. I feel sorry for those who leave that part themselves behind.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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I loved your story, although I kept expecting Blaine to meet the judge again, that he knew as a child. I've always kept in touch with my inner child, and I interact with her on a daily basis. I feel sorry for those who leave that part themselves behind.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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Thank you for the review. I had to make her disappear for word count purposes. I'm so happy you enjoyed it BethShelby.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
In this Fantasy Fiction you have expressed your viewpoint about parameters, perspectives and states of existence of an inner child in every man, there is always a growing up of childhood to adulthood, whether we understand, recognise or not; explorative expression; well said, well done; post more. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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In this Fantasy Fiction you have expressed your viewpoint about parameters, perspectives and states of existence of an inner child in every man, there is always a growing up of childhood to adulthood, whether we understand, recognise or not; explorative expression; well said, well done; post more. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
Comment Written 24-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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Thank you for your review. I believe as writers we need to nourish our inner child and draw from it every chance we get as adults. Thank you again for your kind words.
