Pistol Packin' Petticoat
A prequel to Tin Stars and Yankee Gold31 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Earl,
I'll get right to it.
"Dolly Madison Ferguson was tall for a girl, nearly six foot tall, with long raven colored hair, (she) had just celebrated her twentieth birthday a week earlier. (She) entered the room where (her) grandmother was laying on (her) deathbed." ... ( I suggest,
Dolly Madison Ferguson, nearly six feet tall, with long raven-colored hair, had just celebrated her twentieth birthday a week earlier. She entered the bedchamber where her grandmother was dying.)
"He stuck out a hand that seemed as big as a grizzly paw (which) swallowed up (Andy's) in a firm, but gentle, grip (which) surprised (Andy)." ...(I suggest,
He stuck out a hand that seemed as big as a grizzly paw. It swallowed up Andy's in a firm but, surprisingly, gentle grip.)
"Howdy, Sir, I'm Andy Tyler fresh from the Rocky Mountains. I've been bit by a Grizzly, chased by Blackfeet and I know how to work cain't see to cain't see." ...(I suggest,
"Howdy, Sir. I'm Andy Tyler, fresh from the Rockies. I've been bit by a grizz', chased by Blackfoot Injuns, and I know how to work cain't see to cain't see."
"I kin read some of the Bible because that was the only book we had at home. I know my sums up to the fives tables." ...(I suggest,
"I kin read some of the Bible because that was the only book we had at home. I know my sums up to the five times table."
*just an observation, I noticed you didn't capitalize "bible" in a previous sentence~
"Logan knew what trading went on with the Indians between the Mountain Men, but he didn't press the young man. He was obviously smitten with his daughter, and from the glances she was throwing it was mutual." ... (I suggest,
Logan knew what kind of trading went on between the Indians and the Mountain Men, but he didn't press the young man who was obviously smitten with his daughter. From the glances she was throwing, it was a mutual attraction.)
"Mister Ferguson I'd be proud to do that for you."
("Mister Ferguson, I'd be proud to do that for you.")
"Sir, you got a deal, I'm yore man here's my hand on it."
("Sir, you got a deal. I'm yore man, and here's my hand on it.")
"Ferguson's paw (swallowed) up Andy's hand and the agreement was reached.
The following July when Andy took the wagon train of goods to the Rendezvous he left his pregnant bride, Sarah, with her parents."
(suggestions,
since you already used "swallowed" earlier in describing Logan Ferguson's hands, I'd use some other adjective or none at all. We already know his hands are massive.
Ferguson's paw swallowed up Andy's hand and the agreement was reached.
The following July, when Andy took the wagon train of goods to the Rendezvous, he left his pregnant bride with her parents.
I don't think it's necessary to add "Sarah" in this line. It's overkill. The author needs to trust a reader's capacity to put two and two together rather than spelling everything out.)
"After he married Sarah, Ferguson had cut him in for 10 percent of the profits from the Rendezvous. But when the bottom fell out from the beaver trade Andy found himself working for straight wages." ... (I suggest,
After he married Sarah, Logan had cut him in for 10 percent of the profits from the Rendezvous. But when the bottom fell out of the beaver trade, Andy found himself working for straight wages again.)
"I could go and get us a stake and we'll be able to open our own store and move out of yore parents' house." ...( I suggest,
"I could go and get us a stake, and we'll be able to open our own store... and move out of yore parents' house." )
"Sarah had a bad feeling about this trip, but Andy was set on going, she gave her blessing." ...( I suggest,
Sarah had a bad feeling about this trip, but Andy was set on going. She finally surrendered her blessing. )
"So here he was standing hip-deep in an ice-cold mountain stream panning for color. This was exactly the same reason he'd quit trapping. Sure, he had found a little gold but it wasn't the bonanza he'd expected."
(I suggest,
So here he was, standing hip-deep in an ice-cold mountain stream, panning for yellow nuggets. This was exactly the same reason he'd quit trapping. Sure, he had found a little gold, but it wasn't the bonanza he'd expected."
"Jake was also a former Mountain Man and had come west for easy riches." ...(I suggest,
Jake was also a former Mountain Man who had come west for easy riches.)
"Jake had gone to town for supplies, this left Andy and Buffalo Calf taking turns between panning and standing guard over the only trail leading into the claim." ... (I suggest,
Jake had gone to town for supplies, leaving Andy and Buffalo Calf taking turns between panning and standing guard over the only trail leading into the claim.)
"As Jake got to the campsite, he swung down from his horse went to the fire and poured himself a cup of coffee from the ever-present pot that was always boiling." ... (I suggest,
As Jake got to the campsite, he swung down from his horse and fetched a cup of coffee from the ever-present pot that was always boiling.)
"(Jake) squatted down and blew on the top of the cup to cool it. (Jake) reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out an envelope." ...(I suggest,
Jake squatted down and blew on the top of the cup to cool it. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out an envelope.)
"He sat down, opened it, then began to read." ...(I suggest,
He sat down, opened it, and began to read.)
"It is with heavy heart I take pen in hand to give you some bad news, your dearest Sarah died in childbirth, The baby was a little girl and is doing fine. Your children need you to come home. Logan and I will keep them with us until you get back. May God see you back here quickly."
(I suggest,
It is with heavy heart I take pen in hand to give you some very bad news. Our dearest Sarah died in childbirth. The baby is a little girl and she's doing just fine. Your children need you to come home. Logan and I will keep them with us until you get back. May God see you back here quickly.)
"No, I'll jest take my third, you boys worked for yore share too." ...(I suggest,
"No. I'll jest take my share, a third. You boys worked hard for yore share, too." )
"The three boys were now of an age they could help on the frontier. The oldest, (Daniel Boone) or Boone, at age 12 was already Hell on Wheels in a fight and a crack shot. (James Bowie), or, Bowie as the middle son was known, was now nine and becoming strong as a bull. His youngest, (Kit Carson), was named after his mountain man mentor."
Suggestion here, Earl ... if you forwarded this story to an editor, he'd frown on using the full names of these western frontiersmen. You might get away with naming Tyler's sons as "Boone", "Bowie" and "Carson". But even that is a big "might". It's cute, but the editor would definitely frown on using the full names.
"And went to finishing school to learn how to be a lady. Over Thelma's objections Logan made sure she also knew how to shoot, rope, play poker, and ride a horse." ...( I suggest,
They also sent her to finishing school to learn how to be a lady. Over Thelma's objections, Logan made sure she knew how to shoot, rope, and ride a horse.) ~I don't think Logan would want to make sure his granddaughter could play poker.
"She had grown into a beauty that reminded them of their daughter, Sarah." ...(I suggest,
She had grown into a beauty who reminded them of their Sarah.)
"Bye Granny you're now with Mama and Grandpa." ...(I suggest,
"Bye, Granny. You're now with Mama and Grandpa." )
"She didn't peek out the window, as she heard the driver being told to throw down the strongbox." ...(I suggest,
She didn't dare peek out the window, as she heard the driver being told to throw down the strongbox.)
"Maddie (stepped) out onto the (step)." ... (I suggest,
Maddie reluctantly obeyed.)
"She reached in the purse and pulled out her .32 and shot Abner. Elmer was in shock and didn't react right away. By the time he got his wits about him and started aiming at her Maddie was quicker and put a slug in his chest." ...( I suggest,
She reached in her purse, pulled out her .32 and shot Abner square in the chest. Elmer was in shock and didn't react soon enough. By the time he got his wits about him, Maddie aimed and put a hole right between his eyes.)
The next section, Earl, becomes a narrative. You use "she" a number of times in telling her predicament, 20 times in fact, up to "Brady Ford".
I would try to narrow this down as much as possible. No need to describe every single detail. An author has to allow the readers to use their own imaginations as to what transpired until she met up with Mr. Ford.
"After four years in the Civil War and five years on the Owlhoot Trail his senses were keenly aware of his surroundings and had kept him alive so far." ... (I suggest,
After four years in the Civil War, and five years on the Owlhoot Trail, his senses were keenly aware of his surroundings and had kept him alive so far.)
"He (quicky) got to his feet and approached the horse (thief) from behind. Just as the would-be (thief) was swinging into the saddle Brady grasped ahold of the middle of (thief's) gun belt and yanked." ... (I suggest,
He quickly got to his feet and approached the horse thief from behind. Grasping hold of the middle of prowler's gun belt, he gave a good yank.)
I notice, Earl, that you are telling a great story here. I could picture it clearly in my head, just as if it was a John Wayne western movie. But you make the mistake of laboring over every minute detail. Rather than continue with the editing to the very end of the chapter, I'll just stop here. As I've already stated a couple of times, you need to give the readers the benefit of the doubt... to wit, that they can guess what is happening to some extent.
I really did enjoy your story. At the outset, and reading the name "Tyler", I thought of the 1980 movie, "Mountain Men", starring Charlton Heston (as Bill Tyler) and Brian Keith (as Henry Frapp).
I know I've listed many "suggestions". Some are really just grammar issues. Some are my own ideas. So please accept them with a grain of salt. If I didn't see a lot of promise in your story, I would simply refrain from reading it. So just know that it's a terrific western tale that should be continued.
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
  |
Hi Earl,
I'll get right to it.
"Dolly Madison Ferguson was tall for a girl, nearly six foot tall, with long raven colored hair, (she) had just celebrated her twentieth birthday a week earlier. (She) entered the room where (her) grandmother was laying on (her) deathbed." ... ( I suggest,
Dolly Madison Ferguson, nearly six feet tall, with long raven-colored hair, had just celebrated her twentieth birthday a week earlier. She entered the bedchamber where her grandmother was dying.)
"He stuck out a hand that seemed as big as a grizzly paw (which) swallowed up (Andy's) in a firm, but gentle, grip (which) surprised (Andy)." ...(I suggest,
He stuck out a hand that seemed as big as a grizzly paw. It swallowed up Andy's in a firm but, surprisingly, gentle grip.)
"Howdy, Sir, I'm Andy Tyler fresh from the Rocky Mountains. I've been bit by a Grizzly, chased by Blackfeet and I know how to work cain't see to cain't see." ...(I suggest,
"Howdy, Sir. I'm Andy Tyler, fresh from the Rockies. I've been bit by a grizz', chased by Blackfoot Injuns, and I know how to work cain't see to cain't see."
"I kin read some of the Bible because that was the only book we had at home. I know my sums up to the fives tables." ...(I suggest,
"I kin read some of the Bible because that was the only book we had at home. I know my sums up to the five times table."
*just an observation, I noticed you didn't capitalize "bible" in a previous sentence~
"Logan knew what trading went on with the Indians between the Mountain Men, but he didn't press the young man. He was obviously smitten with his daughter, and from the glances she was throwing it was mutual." ... (I suggest,
Logan knew what kind of trading went on between the Indians and the Mountain Men, but he didn't press the young man who was obviously smitten with his daughter. From the glances she was throwing, it was a mutual attraction.)
"Mister Ferguson I'd be proud to do that for you."
("Mister Ferguson, I'd be proud to do that for you.")
"Sir, you got a deal, I'm yore man here's my hand on it."
("Sir, you got a deal. I'm yore man, and here's my hand on it.")
"Ferguson's paw (swallowed) up Andy's hand and the agreement was reached.
The following July when Andy took the wagon train of goods to the Rendezvous he left his pregnant bride, Sarah, with her parents."
(suggestions,
since you already used "swallowed" earlier in describing Logan Ferguson's hands, I'd use some other adjective or none at all. We already know his hands are massive.
Ferguson's paw swallowed up Andy's hand and the agreement was reached.
The following July, when Andy took the wagon train of goods to the Rendezvous, he left his pregnant bride with her parents.
I don't think it's necessary to add "Sarah" in this line. It's overkill. The author needs to trust a reader's capacity to put two and two together rather than spelling everything out.)
"After he married Sarah, Ferguson had cut him in for 10 percent of the profits from the Rendezvous. But when the bottom fell out from the beaver trade Andy found himself working for straight wages." ... (I suggest,
After he married Sarah, Logan had cut him in for 10 percent of the profits from the Rendezvous. But when the bottom fell out of the beaver trade, Andy found himself working for straight wages again.)
"I could go and get us a stake and we'll be able to open our own store and move out of yore parents' house." ...( I suggest,
"I could go and get us a stake, and we'll be able to open our own store... and move out of yore parents' house." )
"Sarah had a bad feeling about this trip, but Andy was set on going, she gave her blessing." ...( I suggest,
Sarah had a bad feeling about this trip, but Andy was set on going. She finally surrendered her blessing. )
"So here he was standing hip-deep in an ice-cold mountain stream panning for color. This was exactly the same reason he'd quit trapping. Sure, he had found a little gold but it wasn't the bonanza he'd expected."
(I suggest,
So here he was, standing hip-deep in an ice-cold mountain stream, panning for yellow nuggets. This was exactly the same reason he'd quit trapping. Sure, he had found a little gold, but it wasn't the bonanza he'd expected."
"Jake was also a former Mountain Man and had come west for easy riches." ...(I suggest,
Jake was also a former Mountain Man who had come west for easy riches.)
"Jake had gone to town for supplies, this left Andy and Buffalo Calf taking turns between panning and standing guard over the only trail leading into the claim." ... (I suggest,
Jake had gone to town for supplies, leaving Andy and Buffalo Calf taking turns between panning and standing guard over the only trail leading into the claim.)
"As Jake got to the campsite, he swung down from his horse went to the fire and poured himself a cup of coffee from the ever-present pot that was always boiling." ... (I suggest,
As Jake got to the campsite, he swung down from his horse and fetched a cup of coffee from the ever-present pot that was always boiling.)
"(Jake) squatted down and blew on the top of the cup to cool it. (Jake) reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out an envelope." ...(I suggest,
Jake squatted down and blew on the top of the cup to cool it. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out an envelope.)
"He sat down, opened it, then began to read." ...(I suggest,
He sat down, opened it, and began to read.)
"It is with heavy heart I take pen in hand to give you some bad news, your dearest Sarah died in childbirth, The baby was a little girl and is doing fine. Your children need you to come home. Logan and I will keep them with us until you get back. May God see you back here quickly."
(I suggest,
It is with heavy heart I take pen in hand to give you some very bad news. Our dearest Sarah died in childbirth. The baby is a little girl and she's doing just fine. Your children need you to come home. Logan and I will keep them with us until you get back. May God see you back here quickly.)
"No, I'll jest take my third, you boys worked for yore share too." ...(I suggest,
"No. I'll jest take my share, a third. You boys worked hard for yore share, too." )
"The three boys were now of an age they could help on the frontier. The oldest, (Daniel Boone) or Boone, at age 12 was already Hell on Wheels in a fight and a crack shot. (James Bowie), or, Bowie as the middle son was known, was now nine and becoming strong as a bull. His youngest, (Kit Carson), was named after his mountain man mentor."
Suggestion here, Earl ... if you forwarded this story to an editor, he'd frown on using the full names of these western frontiersmen. You might get away with naming Tyler's sons as "Boone", "Bowie" and "Carson". But even that is a big "might". It's cute, but the editor would definitely frown on using the full names.
"And went to finishing school to learn how to be a lady. Over Thelma's objections Logan made sure she also knew how to shoot, rope, play poker, and ride a horse." ...( I suggest,
They also sent her to finishing school to learn how to be a lady. Over Thelma's objections, Logan made sure she knew how to shoot, rope, and ride a horse.) ~I don't think Logan would want to make sure his granddaughter could play poker.
"She had grown into a beauty that reminded them of their daughter, Sarah." ...(I suggest,
She had grown into a beauty who reminded them of their Sarah.)
"Bye Granny you're now with Mama and Grandpa." ...(I suggest,
"Bye, Granny. You're now with Mama and Grandpa." )
"She didn't peek out the window, as she heard the driver being told to throw down the strongbox." ...(I suggest,
She didn't dare peek out the window, as she heard the driver being told to throw down the strongbox.)
"Maddie (stepped) out onto the (step)." ... (I suggest,
Maddie reluctantly obeyed.)
"She reached in the purse and pulled out her .32 and shot Abner. Elmer was in shock and didn't react right away. By the time he got his wits about him and started aiming at her Maddie was quicker and put a slug in his chest." ...( I suggest,
She reached in her purse, pulled out her .32 and shot Abner square in the chest. Elmer was in shock and didn't react soon enough. By the time he got his wits about him, Maddie aimed and put a hole right between his eyes.)
The next section, Earl, becomes a narrative. You use "she" a number of times in telling her predicament, 20 times in fact, up to "Brady Ford".
I would try to narrow this down as much as possible. No need to describe every single detail. An author has to allow the readers to use their own imaginations as to what transpired until she met up with Mr. Ford.
"After four years in the Civil War and five years on the Owlhoot Trail his senses were keenly aware of his surroundings and had kept him alive so far." ... (I suggest,
After four years in the Civil War, and five years on the Owlhoot Trail, his senses were keenly aware of his surroundings and had kept him alive so far.)
"He (quicky) got to his feet and approached the horse (thief) from behind. Just as the would-be (thief) was swinging into the saddle Brady grasped ahold of the middle of (thief's) gun belt and yanked." ... (I suggest,
He quickly got to his feet and approached the horse thief from behind. Grasping hold of the middle of prowler's gun belt, he gave a good yank.)
I notice, Earl, that you are telling a great story here. I could picture it clearly in my head, just as if it was a John Wayne western movie. But you make the mistake of laboring over every minute detail. Rather than continue with the editing to the very end of the chapter, I'll just stop here. As I've already stated a couple of times, you need to give the readers the benefit of the doubt... to wit, that they can guess what is happening to some extent.
I really did enjoy your story. At the outset, and reading the name "Tyler", I thought of the 1980 movie, "Mountain Men", starring Charlton Heston (as Bill Tyler) and Brian Keith (as Henry Frapp).
I know I've listed many "suggestions". Some are really just grammar issues. Some are my own ideas. So please accept them with a grain of salt. If I didn't see a lot of promise in your story, I would simply refrain from reading it. So just know that it's a terrific western tale that should be continued.
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 13-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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You gave me several points to ponder as I move forward in writing. Not trying to defend but I'm trying to show more than tell. I do appreciate you taking the time to look at this and award me six stars.
-
You're welcome, Earl! Keep up the good work! You can't beat a good western story.
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment from Ben Colder
Good one, Earl. Movie stuff. You made this unfold nicely and made the reader dig for more. Had a neighbor one time who named his boys Wyatt Earp, the other, Rex Allen. I just hope they grow up not hating the old boy. LOL.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Good one, Earl. Movie stuff. You made this unfold nicely and made the reader dig for more. Had a neighbor one time who named his boys Wyatt Earp, the other, Rex Allen. I just hope they grow up not hating the old boy. LOL.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Thank you Ben. That's high praise getting a six star rating from another western writer. I appreciate you taking the time out to to read and review my story.
Comment from lancellot
Well, after reading this epic, I wish I hadn't bother to enter this contest. I could have saved the price of promoting. You did a great job here. Love the transitions from location to location, time to time and character development.
Way to go.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
 |
Well, after reading this epic, I wish I hadn't bother to enter this contest. I could have saved the price of promoting. You did a great job here. Love the transitions from location to location, time to time and character development.
Way to go.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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I read yours and you have as much a chance as anybody. I do appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
know how to work cain't see to cain't see
-- Possibly the best expression I have ever read.
Yes it is long. Too long even for my taste. I was going to say if possible cut it down for the contest, but I have just worked out the deadline is passed so I am a bit perplexed as to what to say. You present it as a prequel. How about ending that when Maddie leaves her granny, before she even gets on the stagecoach. That should work well.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
|
know how to work cain't see to cain't see
-- Possibly the best expression I have ever read.
Yes it is long. Too long even for my taste. I was going to say if possible cut it down for the contest, but I have just worked out the deadline is passed so I am a bit perplexed as to what to say. You present it as a prequel. How about ending that when Maddie leaves her granny, before she even gets on the stagecoach. That should work well.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Not defending it but I had a minimum word count I had to exceed. I appreciate you taking the time out to to read and review my story.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Earl,
I think you have something here. I really do. It has legs. However, in terms of the competition, it doesn't go far enough in being self-contained, in my opinion. There's too many threads hanging open.
I could also do with a little bit of a tidy up in places. I made some notes as I read through.
'I'm goin' to marry that gal,' he thought.- you only really need to use the italics here. Using the marks, italics and tag is overkill, like telling the reader the same information three times. Currently italics are the go-to for internal/direct thought.
"No, ma'am, I don't," but he suddenly became bolder than he ever did in his life.- technically this isn't a tag and the dialogue should be closed off and this sentence start with a capital.
"For what? Your hand in marriage?". - delete the period following the closing speech marks.
Ferguson's paw swallowed up Andy's hand and the agreement was reached.- the description is repetitive from earlier.
"Buffler Calf, yore pa's comin,"- should end with a period here rather than a comma.
"Andy, whut's wrong?- missing closing speech marks here.
"I reckon about $3,000. It's yore's."- probably don't need the apostrophe for yores. (and later on too)
thet Walker Colt but I'm gonna need somethin' besides my old Hawken.- missing closing speech marks here.
"What about your young'uns?- here, too.
"Nonsense, you are family, and you all will always have a home here,"- period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
Present Day
St. Louis - I would change present day because it isn't, it's back to 1870 as in the beginning.
"You see, child, your real name is Tyler," Thelma said at the end of the tale."- delete the speech marks from the end here.
'These guys are dumb' Maddie thought.- same thing as early in regard to transcribing thought. Also, needs a comma before the closing speech marks.
She looked for a bush to change behind, then dismissed that idea as silly. There was no one there to see her undress.- or done it inside the stage coach?
There are a few place where missing lines between paragraphs creep in.
"Your durned right I am and if I get loose, - either yore or you're.
"Didn't throw it. I'm Brady Ford"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
She's good solid and interesting character.
G
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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Hi Earl,
I think you have something here. I really do. It has legs. However, in terms of the competition, it doesn't go far enough in being self-contained, in my opinion. There's too many threads hanging open.
I could also do with a little bit of a tidy up in places. I made some notes as I read through.
'I'm goin' to marry that gal,' he thought.- you only really need to use the italics here. Using the marks, italics and tag is overkill, like telling the reader the same information three times. Currently italics are the go-to for internal/direct thought.
"No, ma'am, I don't," but he suddenly became bolder than he ever did in his life.- technically this isn't a tag and the dialogue should be closed off and this sentence start with a capital.
"For what? Your hand in marriage?". - delete the period following the closing speech marks.
Ferguson's paw swallowed up Andy's hand and the agreement was reached.- the description is repetitive from earlier.
"Buffler Calf, yore pa's comin,"- should end with a period here rather than a comma.
"Andy, whut's wrong?- missing closing speech marks here.
"I reckon about $3,000. It's yore's."- probably don't need the apostrophe for yores. (and later on too)
thet Walker Colt but I'm gonna need somethin' besides my old Hawken.- missing closing speech marks here.
"What about your young'uns?- here, too.
"Nonsense, you are family, and you all will always have a home here,"- period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
Present Day
St. Louis - I would change present day because it isn't, it's back to 1870 as in the beginning.
"You see, child, your real name is Tyler," Thelma said at the end of the tale."- delete the speech marks from the end here.
'These guys are dumb' Maddie thought.- same thing as early in regard to transcribing thought. Also, needs a comma before the closing speech marks.
She looked for a bush to change behind, then dismissed that idea as silly. There was no one there to see her undress.- or done it inside the stage coach?
There are a few place where missing lines between paragraphs creep in.
"Your durned right I am and if I get loose, - either yore or you're.
"Didn't throw it. I'm Brady Ford"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
She's good solid and interesting character.
G
Comment Written 11-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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I appreciate you taking the time and giving me some editing tips. I don't understand what you mean by you don't think it's self contained enough the competition.
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Hi earl, I mean that it doesn't feel like a story in itself. the character is super and the interactions come across well but ti doesn't really have a conclusion. There's a lot of unanswered threads about her family, brothers in there that are left hanging. It feels like there should be more. Of course, I may well be wrong but I felt it lacked a satisfying conclusion and that may hinder it in the competition. Just my opinion.
Comment from Frank Malley
This story,"Pistol Packin' Petticoat," is fast-paced and engaging. It features good Western vernacular in the dialogues, and imaginatively bundles in some famous characters from the history of the Western territories. The story converges to focus on a tough and pretty woman who's own history may just get her through the challenges of life where there ain't no laws. Formally speaking, there are a few sentence and punctuation flaws but these link up with the sort of narrative a self-educated Westerner might create.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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This story,"Pistol Packin' Petticoat," is fast-paced and engaging. It features good Western vernacular in the dialogues, and imaginatively bundles in some famous characters from the history of the Western territories. The story converges to focus on a tough and pretty woman who's own history may just get her through the challenges of life where there ain't no laws. Formally speaking, there are a few sentence and punctuation flaws but these link up with the sort of narrative a self-educated Westerner might create.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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Thank you very much for the six star rating, especially this late in the week. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story.
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You earned it, Earl
Comment from Thatguypk
Excellent piece, and I hope you decide soon where it's headed and post the next chapter here. I'd like to follow the story. I like the characters and the bit of history of Maddie's origins. Flows well. Keep going!
PK
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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Excellent piece, and I hope you decide soon where it's headed and post the next chapter here. I'd like to follow the story. I like the characters and the bit of history of Maddie's origins. Flows well. Keep going!
PK
Comment Written 11-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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Thank you very much PK. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story.
Comment from Versch
This is an interesting plot with a promise of success. It caught my interest from beginning to end. The way you right the dialogues to show the accent is fantastic. The narratives need some working. Try to write from one character's point of view if possible. Shifting from one point of view to another is distracting for the readers. You have a great story here. I wish you success. Ver
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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This is an interesting plot with a promise of success. It caught my interest from beginning to end. The way you right the dialogues to show the accent is fantastic. The narratives need some working. Try to write from one character's point of view if possible. Shifting from one point of view to another is distracting for the readers. You have a great story here. I wish you success. Ver
Comment Written 11-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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Thank you very much. I'll work on the point of view but I use that to change scenes. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story.
Comment from Possummagic
I enjoyed your story, recognised the names of a few of your characters, and it held my attention until the end. It would be a good idea to review your work a few times before submitting it. There are times when you leave extra spaces between words. Have you used the free app. Grammarly? It picks up all of the grammatical and spelling issues and would be a helpful tool if you are building on the story further. It's best to check grammar and spelling at the end of each chapter which makes it far more straightforward than to check at the end of a story or book. I won't comment further on spelling because we both work from different Dictionaries. Correct grammar is essential, though, as it shifts the emphasis on your writing.
You use the words he, him, his often. One way around this is to restructure your sentences. For example:
"Walking from the warehouse along the waterfront, Andy passed a store with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. When curiosity got the better of him, he went inside. Immediately Andy's nostrils were attacked by the scents of leather, pickles, and gun oil. Behind the counter was a tall dark-haired girl of maybe seventeen years."
I wish you well in your writing endeavours. PM
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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I enjoyed your story, recognised the names of a few of your characters, and it held my attention until the end. It would be a good idea to review your work a few times before submitting it. There are times when you leave extra spaces between words. Have you used the free app. Grammarly? It picks up all of the grammatical and spelling issues and would be a helpful tool if you are building on the story further. It's best to check grammar and spelling at the end of each chapter which makes it far more straightforward than to check at the end of a story or book. I won't comment further on spelling because we both work from different Dictionaries. Correct grammar is essential, though, as it shifts the emphasis on your writing.
You use the words he, him, his often. One way around this is to restructure your sentences. For example:
"Walking from the warehouse along the waterfront, Andy passed a store with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. When curiosity got the better of him, he went inside. Immediately Andy's nostrils were attacked by the scents of leather, pickles, and gun oil. Behind the counter was a tall dark-haired girl of maybe seventeen years."
I wish you well in your writing endeavours. PM
Comment Written 10-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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I don't use gramerly but I use spell check. The problem is I'm writing in frontier jargon and it doesn't pass muster with spell check. I don't know what device you used to read this but I couldn't find any extra spaces. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story.
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That?s ok, the story was interesting.
Comment from BLACKTITANIUM86
Yeah...those were the good old days, huh?
Chillin out in the west, where everybody could
wear their guns out in the open. And the fastest
man always won. And you have a way of bringing
these stories to life. Nice. Keep Writing. And don't
forget to stop by to talk to me. Stay Connected
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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Yeah...those were the good old days, huh?
Chillin out in the west, where everybody could
wear their guns out in the open. And the fastest
man always won. And you have a way of bringing
these stories to life. Nice. Keep Writing. And don't
forget to stop by to talk to me. Stay Connected
Comment Written 10-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
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Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it.. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story. You stay safe and healthy.
