Heart Crafted Poems - 2022
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Spiritus Unum"Musings of an old man - 2022
35 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
What a lovely imagination you have! You have told a really good story in precious few words, and made an important need in the world a project for the new twelve. I never would have thought of considering the various types of religion as franchisees. But we have rather messed with the original message.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2022
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What a lovely imagination you have! You have told a really good story in precious few words, and made an important need in the world a project for the new twelve. I never would have thought of considering the various types of religion as franchisees. But we have rather messed with the original message.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2022
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Carol you made me smile with Jpy for theis six-star validation. Yes a do over would be just the ticket.
Comment from tfawcus
Cleverly written. This thinly veiled satire hits at the root of many of our problems in the world today. those darn franchisees started making up their own rules and creating another level of hierarchy that changed our product and drove the masses out of the door.
If only those darned franchisees would stop competing with one another and breaking out into fights for their own territory!
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2022
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Cleverly written. This thinly veiled satire hits at the root of many of our problems in the world today. those darn franchisees started making up their own rules and creating another level of hierarchy that changed our product and drove the masses out of the door.
If only those darned franchisees would stop competing with one another and breaking out into fights for their own territory!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2022
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Hahaha, so true Tony.
Comment from Cindy Warren
Hmmm...I don't know whether I'd want that job or not. Exactly what would I have to do? You have an original and unique piece here. I think you may have a winner. Good luck.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2022
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Hmmm...I don't know whether I'd want that job or not. Exactly what would I have to do? You have an original and unique piece here. I think you may have a winner. Good luck.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2022
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Cindy,thank you very much.
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is an interesting story, an effort to change the downhill journey of Christianity, starting with twelve new disciples. Well done.
A few spags: "...group's shock that we (are) were all invited in at once."
"Elohim interrupts(interrupted) and states,..." - retain the past tense.
Also, closed quotation mark needed at end of last sentence.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2022
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This is an interesting story, an effort to change the downhill journey of Christianity, starting with twelve new disciples. Well done.
A few spags: "...group's shock that we (are) were all invited in at once."
"Elohim interrupts(interrupted) and states,..." - retain the past tense.
Also, closed quotation mark needed at end of last sentence.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2022
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Judy, thank you! Your polish is always appreciated.
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You?re most welcome, JL
Comment from humpwhistle
Certainly a different, and intriguing take on corporate spiritualism. Very apt for this particular contest. Personally, I think organized religion is too corporation-like already. I'd hate to get to heaven only to find it run like IBM.
Best of luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
One could imagine our group's surprise/To the surprise of the interviewees--Perhaps these two thoughts are too similar to be used in sequential paragraphs. Also, I'm not sure I can 'imagine their surprise.' This is an example of 'telling' instead of the preferred 'showing.'
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Certainly a different, and intriguing take on corporate spiritualism. Very apt for this particular contest. Personally, I think organized religion is too corporation-like already. I'd hate to get to heaven only to find it run like IBM.
Best of luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
One could imagine our group's surprise/To the surprise of the interviewees--Perhaps these two thoughts are too similar to be used in sequential paragraphs. Also, I'm not sure I can 'imagine their surprise.' This is an example of 'telling' instead of the preferred 'showing.'
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Yes too corporate and thank you, I changed one surprise to shock. I appreciate your review.
Comment from nomi338
This is a work of fiction with a solid base of truth. God and his son Jesus Christ established a solid religion. Satan and his followers have done their level best to corrupt the practice of true, pure religion to the point that it has an awful reputation and is in danger of being destroyed at any moment.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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This is a work of fiction with a solid base of truth. God and his son Jesus Christ established a solid religion. Satan and his followers have done their level best to corrupt the practice of true, pure religion to the point that it has an awful reputation and is in danger of being destroyed at any moment.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Spot on, my friend!
Comment from royowen
How very interesting Jim, a new corporation, but it's been around forever really, otherwise they would need a creator. A unique idea, and I'm guessing I might not be among the twelve. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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How very interesting Jim, a new corporation, but it's been around forever really, otherwise they would need a creator. A unique idea, and I'm guessing I might not be among the twelve. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Thanks much, I doubt if I would make the cut myself.
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I think they?ve already been taken Jim, heh. Heh
Comment from Shirley McLain
I enjoyed reading about the business organization. It is a unique slant of God and his business. You did a good job, and I didn't see any mistakes. Have a great afternoon. Shirley
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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I enjoyed reading about the business organization. It is a unique slant of God and his business. You did a good job, and I didn't see any mistakes. Have a great afternoon. Shirley
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Mary Vigasin
A creative and clever take on the need to go back to basics with organized religion in the bullseye. Those megachurches, scandals, judging others, and using scripture to fit their personal views have fouled up the basic message.
Very well done satire, and I enjoyed the read.
Best wishes,
Mary
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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A creative and clever take on the need to go back to basics with organized religion in the bullseye. Those megachurches, scandals, judging others, and using scripture to fit their personal views have fouled up the basic message.
Very well done satire, and I enjoyed the read.
Best wishes,
Mary
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Thank you 🙏
Comment from lindafisher
How very clever of you dear writer. When I started reading this story I had no idea where you were going with this. It's true that people interperate and change things to suit themselves.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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How very clever of you dear writer. When I started reading this story I had no idea where you were going with this. It's true that people interperate and change things to suit themselves.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your review.
