When The Drought Broke
A messenger finds the way to move on.18 total reviews
Comment from Cindy Decker 2
Hi, Lisa.
This is an excellent story. I like the image of the loveable grandpa and the innocence you capture in the little girl.
My mom and dad died fairly recently, and I often wonder if they have something to say to me. I believe in a Heaven, but is it so outlandish to believe our loved ones visit to comfort us?
Beautifully written, Lisa. I love the symbolism of the soft, calming rain.
Good luck in the contest.
Cindy
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Hi, Lisa.
This is an excellent story. I like the image of the loveable grandpa and the innocence you capture in the little girl.
My mom and dad died fairly recently, and I often wonder if they have something to say to me. I believe in a Heaven, but is it so outlandish to believe our loved ones visit to comfort us?
Beautifully written, Lisa. I love the symbolism of the soft, calming rain.
Good luck in the contest.
Cindy
Comment Written 19-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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My commiserations on the deaths of your parents, Cindy. I firmly believe we can find comfort in visitations. I know I've seen my father in my back yard at home several times, like he's checking in on me. It may be imagination or wishful thinking, but there's nothing wrong in believing it happened.
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Thank you, Lisa.
; )
Comment from BethShelby
This is a well-written and interesting supernatural story. Maybe now that grandpa got the message from the youngster who wasn't as spooked as he was the ghosts can leave. At least the ghosts of the dead plants will come back to life with starting of a nourishing rain. I really enjoyed the story.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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This is a well-written and interesting supernatural story. Maybe now that grandpa got the message from the youngster who wasn't as spooked as he was the ghosts can leave. At least the ghosts of the dead plants will come back to life with starting of a nourishing rain. I really enjoyed the story.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Thank you so much for your kind review!
Comment from robyn corum
LisaMay,
Awww... How sweet. This was a truly well-written piece. I was captivated from the very first sentence. I was so pleased with this one! I preach and preach to writers about using those 'hard-working words', you know? And you absolutely did! All the way down. I don't think there was a single extraneous word! Every piece of this story seemed to work to point directly to the your motive.
We had the idea of 'spirits'. And we had the spirits of the kids who were killed in the helicopter incident (weird, that), the ghostly spirit of the wife, those crops which had given up the ghost, and this poor old man who liked to partake of his spirits. FAB job!!!
I also liked the change in the young girl - she had come to see that the apparitions she'd been seeing were there to help, not harm. They were there to encourage Grampa to move forward. Nice.
There's a website called Wow-Women on Writing that has an on-going flash fiction contest. They look for pieces 750 words and below. This piece is almost exactly what they look for. Right now, I'd say this is short of that mark and you probably have another 200-300 words to play with, right? The ending seems to kinda come quick and easy - that's the only thing - I'd think about that just a little - maybe the girl goes missing and when he finds her she's been saved in some miraculous way so that Grampa KNOWS she's had special help? THEN she tells him her secret.
You are welcome to ignore me on all that, of course, but I have entered their contest frequently and had some success with it, and kinda have a good idea what they look for. And this story is soooo good.
Thanks a bunch and good luck!
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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LisaMay,
Awww... How sweet. This was a truly well-written piece. I was captivated from the very first sentence. I was so pleased with this one! I preach and preach to writers about using those 'hard-working words', you know? And you absolutely did! All the way down. I don't think there was a single extraneous word! Every piece of this story seemed to work to point directly to the your motive.
We had the idea of 'spirits'. And we had the spirits of the kids who were killed in the helicopter incident (weird, that), the ghostly spirit of the wife, those crops which had given up the ghost, and this poor old man who liked to partake of his spirits. FAB job!!!
I also liked the change in the young girl - she had come to see that the apparitions she'd been seeing were there to help, not harm. They were there to encourage Grampa to move forward. Nice.
There's a website called Wow-Women on Writing that has an on-going flash fiction contest. They look for pieces 750 words and below. This piece is almost exactly what they look for. Right now, I'd say this is short of that mark and you probably have another 200-300 words to play with, right? The ending seems to kinda come quick and easy - that's the only thing - I'd think about that just a little - maybe the girl goes missing and when he finds her she's been saved in some miraculous way so that Grampa KNOWS she's had special help? THEN she tells him her secret.
You are welcome to ignore me on all that, of course, but I have entered their contest frequently and had some success with it, and kinda have a good idea what they look for. And this story is soooo good.
Thanks a bunch and good luck!
Comment Written 19-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Thanks so much for your positive response to my story and your very helpful encouraging advice.
I thought the ending came too quickly as well, but 500 words was the limit and I had to edit down to make it.
I initially had in the story that the child was saved by Grampa in the fiery crash that killed her parents... like a guardian angel was already looking out for her. I had it just before the bit where it says Grampa was left holding the baby.
(Helicopters are used very often where I live... for search and rescue in the mountains, for rounding up stock, for tourism etc, so they don't seem odd to include one in a story.)
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is a lovely loving story and I enjoyed reading about
Julie and her grandpa. The dead loved one's visits always spooked grandpa, but they were able to reach him through the innocence of the child. All is well and the drought is over. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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This is a lovely loving story and I enjoyed reading about
Julie and her grandpa. The dead loved one's visits always spooked grandpa, but they were able to reach him through the innocence of the child. All is well and the drought is over. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 19-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Thank you so much for your kind review!
Comment from Wendy G
A beautiful story! So glad that the drought breaking coincided with the visits of the spirits, and their reassurance to him that he was not to blame in any way. It was like a confirmation. The grandfather has a delightful relationship with, and care for, the child.
Did I detect a little humour with the whiskey- breath whiskers? And the "spirits" as in alcohol which had a hold on him? I enjoyed your gentle story, which appears to have met all requirements. Best wishes for your entry!
Wendy
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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A beautiful story! So glad that the drought breaking coincided with the visits of the spirits, and their reassurance to him that he was not to blame in any way. It was like a confirmation. The grandfather has a delightful relationship with, and care for, the child.
Did I detect a little humour with the whiskey- breath whiskers? And the "spirits" as in alcohol which had a hold on him? I enjoyed your gentle story, which appears to have met all requirements. Best wishes for your entry!
Wendy
Comment Written 19-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Thanks for your lovely review - yes I tried for a touch of subtle humour. I never knew any of my grandparents... I would've liked to.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I liked the approach you took with this. Frequently this veers into religious territory but this walked a different path. Well told and using the grandfather/grandchild relationship is a good choice.
At the mention of 'ghost', regret played across his lined face. - maybe change mention of to thought of. It's minor but he's not talking, not even really to himself so thought would be more apt, I think.
for not keepingh them safe. - edit out the 'h'.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Hi there,
I liked the approach you took with this. Frequently this veers into religious territory but this walked a different path. Well told and using the grandfather/grandchild relationship is a good choice.
At the mention of 'ghost', regret played across his lined face. - maybe change mention of to thought of. It's minor but he's not talking, not even really to himself so thought would be more apt, I think.
for not keepingh them safe. - edit out the 'h'.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 19-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Thanks for your helpful suggestion and nit-catching. Much appreciated.
Comment from lyenochka
What a great message in your story! And I like how the grandpa is a sweet and good-natured drunk, not a a violent one. Seems like he's the one left to care for little Julie. It's good that she could tell him the message he needs to hear. Great job with this and hope you do well in the contest!
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reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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What a great message in your story! And I like how the grandpa is a sweet and good-natured drunk, not a a violent one. Seems like he's the one left to care for little Julie. It's good that she could tell him the message he needs to hear. Great job with this and hope you do well in the contest!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Thanks for your warm review. I amended the story so it seems Grampa is not a drunk anymore... he's back on track now.
Comment from royowen
Ah, I was waiting for the pivot ofbthe poem and it came in the form of rain. What is the saviour and life force of the farmer and his crops, it's rain. It's funny, if anything had ever happened to Either one of our daughters and their hubbies, we would adopt the kids in an heartbeat. Beautifully written Jenny, great pivot, and well plotted, blessings Roy
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reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Ah, I was waiting for the pivot ofbthe poem and it came in the form of rain. What is the saviour and life force of the farmer and his crops, it's rain. It's funny, if anything had ever happened to Either one of our daughters and their hubbies, we would adopt the kids in an heartbeat. Beautifully written Jenny, great pivot, and well plotted, blessings Roy
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2022
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Rain does make a useful metaphor.
Your comments about adoption show you are the backbone of a loving family.
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Of course, bless you
