A Father's Love
A Hunting Trip Gone Wrong34 total reviews
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
What a well written story this is. You did a great job with the prompt. Your use of descriptive words really pulled me into the story. Good luck in the contest, you should do well.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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What a well written story this is. You did a great job with the prompt. Your use of descriptive words really pulled me into the story. Good luck in the contest, you should do well.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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Thank you. A lot of reviewers want me to write another chapter and save the father. What do you think?
Comment from RGstar
Well, I didn't expect that ending.
Snakes are my worst nightmare. This was like the middle of a movie, in which one cannot take eyes off.
Very well written.
I wish you luck in the competition.
My best wishes.
RGstar
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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Well, I didn't expect that ending.
Snakes are my worst nightmare. This was like the middle of a movie, in which one cannot take eyes off.
Very well written.
I wish you luck in the competition.
My best wishes.
RGstar
Comment Written 27-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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Thank you. I don't like snakes either and don't understand why I let them get the upper hand in this story.
Comment from Cheryl C.
I WAS NOT expecting that ending, but good on you. That was lovely writing: so alive with allegory. Just the right amount of dialogue that one would expect to find if one was in this type of situation. Bravo!
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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I WAS NOT expecting that ending, but good on you. That was lovely writing: so alive with allegory. Just the right amount of dialogue that one would expect to find if one was in this type of situation. Bravo!
Comment Written 27-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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Thank you. Snakes are not a populer critter to write about. I don't much care for them myself.
Comment from Carolyn Dooley
This was a great story. And it is fiction. You had me believing this was a true story. I did a second take, and seen it was fiction. You are a great story teller. It was a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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This was a great story. And it is fiction. You had me believing this was a true story. I did a second take, and seen it was fiction. You are a great story teller. It was a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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Thank you. I'm glad you like the story. A lot of reviewers want me to write another chapter and save the father's life. I don't know if that would be possible but I will think about it.
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Go for it, you do not have to hurry.And you are welcome.
Comment from city gal
Wow! pretty bluebirds. My heart is still racing.
What great storytelling.
First person,present tense, really brings it to life. I was in the well with you. and I could smell the snakes. I don't know how rattlesnakes smell because I'm from Australia but I really could smell them.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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Wow! pretty bluebirds. My heart is still racing.
What great storytelling.
First person,present tense, really brings it to life. I was in the well with you. and I could smell the snakes. I don't know how rattlesnakes smell because I'm from Australia but I really could smell them.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2022
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Thank you. I thought I would try a first person and see how it would work. Some liked it and some didn't. Others want me to write a seond part and save the father. What do you think? Thank you for klthe six stars, I appreciate them.
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Well, how about following the boy's story instead? Could he find his way home etc?
Comment from Dawn Munro
First off, let me assure you that I LOVED your story -- it was riveting, full of action and highly believable. I have a few suggestions for you--
1) "...which had a lot to do with (missing the hazard)." -- suggest this replace "it".
2) I'm all for 'killing our darlings' (S. King) but some description adds to the reader's mental image, yes?
3) Separate these independent clauses with a semi-colon or double hyphen: "...spot something else(;) not-so-good rattlesnakes. Also, you might want to consider "not so good" the way I have written it, for the casualness of your narrator's comments...?
4) "It's not cold enough (that) they are..." instead of "so"
5) "The big thing is not to rile..." I suggest using "important" instead of "big" here -- we are wordsmiths, yes? (*smile*)
6) "Besides, I start jumping around and (I) get a snake bite for sure."
7) "...reason for living(;) -- Again, these are independent clauses, so either a double hyphen is used, or a semi-colon.
Excellent story-telling!
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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First off, let me assure you that I LOVED your story -- it was riveting, full of action and highly believable. I have a few suggestions for you--
1) "...which had a lot to do with (missing the hazard)." -- suggest this replace "it".
2) I'm all for 'killing our darlings' (S. King) but some description adds to the reader's mental image, yes?
3) Separate these independent clauses with a semi-colon or double hyphen: "...spot something else(;) not-so-good rattlesnakes. Also, you might want to consider "not so good" the way I have written it, for the casualness of your narrator's comments...?
4) "It's not cold enough (that) they are..." instead of "so"
5) "The big thing is not to rile..." I suggest using "important" instead of "big" here -- we are wordsmiths, yes? (*smile*)
6) "Besides, I start jumping around and (I) get a snake bite for sure."
7) "...reason for living(;) -- Again, these are independent clauses, so either a double hyphen is used, or a semi-colon.
Excellent story-telling!
Comment Written 26-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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Thank you for the helpful tips. I haven't been writing for going on four years and need to get back in the groove with the grammar and such. I appreciate the help. Not many reviewers bother to point out errors. They read for the monetary value and member cent pumps. I felt there should be more descriptive phrases too but was trying to keep the word count down.
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You're very welcome. :)
Comment from Mrs. KT
Holy Toledo, Prettybluebirds!
I was mesmerized with all elements of your story from start to finish, and I surely wish I had six stars to affix on this exceptionally well-crafted story!
Tension was palatable.
Setting and characters = realistic.
But the ending? GAWD! I didn't see that one coming!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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Holy Toledo, Prettybluebirds!
I was mesmerized with all elements of your story from start to finish, and I surely wish I had six stars to affix on this exceptionally well-crafted story!
Tension was palatable.
Setting and characters = realistic.
But the ending? GAWD! I didn't see that one coming!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
Comment Written 26-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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Thank you. A lot of the reviewers want me to do a follow-up chapter and save the guy. What do you think?
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Go for it!
It?s a wonderful story!
diane
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There's a good story here, excellent tension and jeopardy but for me the mechanics are off, which is a real shame.
The one thing that did spring to mind was how big was the well? if father and son both fell into it and didn't disturb the dozen snakes it must have been quite large.
If the shaft was 30 feet down and the ladder was 3/4 of the way down that means it's standing about 71/2 ft off the ground. Surely the father could have lifted the child onto it and then jumped to the bottom rung himself? I'm 5f 6 & 16 stone and I could do that.
It might be an idea to mention the snakes are under the ladder to begin with.
If the ledge was high enough to avoid the snakes, surly the father could have climbed out too. My own extended arm would be at least 6ft 6, high enough to grab.
I lift Tom carefully until he can climb onto my shoulders and brace against the sides of the well.- this means thee well isn't that wide if he can brace against the sides.
The scene mechanics don't add up I'm afraid.
"Help him, God, "I pray silently.- spacing here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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Hi there,
There's a good story here, excellent tension and jeopardy but for me the mechanics are off, which is a real shame.
The one thing that did spring to mind was how big was the well? if father and son both fell into it and didn't disturb the dozen snakes it must have been quite large.
If the shaft was 30 feet down and the ladder was 3/4 of the way down that means it's standing about 71/2 ft off the ground. Surely the father could have lifted the child onto it and then jumped to the bottom rung himself? I'm 5f 6 & 16 stone and I could do that.
It might be an idea to mention the snakes are under the ladder to begin with.
If the ledge was high enough to avoid the snakes, surly the father could have climbed out too. My own extended arm would be at least 6ft 6, high enough to grab.
I lift Tom carefully until he can climb onto my shoulders and brace against the sides of the well.- this means thee well isn't that wide if he can brace against the sides.
The scene mechanics don't add up I'm afraid.
"Help him, God, "I pray silently.- spacing here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2022
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Thank you for your meaningful comments. I looked up hand dug wells and found that some could be 6 ft. or more diameter. When snakes hibernate they pile up and twine around one another. If it had been seriously cold the snakes would have been very sluggish and mostly harmless. I didn't say the ledge was high enough to stay away from the snakes. Snakes are good climbers or how would they get into places like the well? By Tom bracing, I simply implied leaning against the wall. I can fix the issue of the ladder by changing it to a little past mid-point. It was warm enough so the snakes could choose to move if they wanted to. I said the weather was getting cooler and the snakes were going into hibernation. After all, it is simply a fictional story and most don't care about the mechanics anyway. I could also add that Tom's father didn't feel that the old ladder would hold his weight without the aid of a rope to bear part of his weight. See, look at all the work you have made for me in rewrites. LOL I will correct the spacing.
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I get what you mean about mist not caring but scene mechanics are important for the writer. Especially in fiction. Lol
Comment from joann r romei
This was well written and I enjoyed the tension created, I hate snakes and never knew a bullet could ricashay like that, I was hoping they got away safely.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2022
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This was well written and I enjoyed the tension created, I hate snakes and never knew a bullet could ricashay like that, I was hoping they got away safely.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2022
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Thanks for reading and commenting. As I said, not all stories have happy endings.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job with your contest entry, but what a sad ending. You are right as stated in notes. You words are well chosen, they are descriptive, it's easy to see/feel the bond between father and son. You did a great job describing the setting--esp the well.
Best wishes in the contest.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2022
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You did a great job with your contest entry, but what a sad ending. You are right as stated in notes. You words are well chosen, they are descriptive, it's easy to see/feel the bond between father and son. You did a great job describing the setting--esp the well.
Best wishes in the contest.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 25-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2022
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Thank you. Some of the reviewers want me to write a follow up and save the father. It would be difficult but could be done. What do you think?
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I believe it would be interesting, if it isn't too late to save him. 😊❤️😸
