Claimed
When you're caught between destiny and desire.14 total reviews
Comment from J. P. Olesen
Hi, Rosita,
Thought I'd come round for a look.
Interesting story! You might, emphasize might, want to make the following changes:
1st graph: comma after "coffeehouse"
2nd graph: comma before "but"
6th graph: perhaps an em dash after "moment" and then use a lowercase H in "He."
7th graph: consider using was before "frustration."
Second to last graph: maybe use a comma before and in, "and his world . . . ."
However, grammar, punctuation, etc. is not my forte.
Very imaginative piece!
Best wishes,
J. P.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Hi, Rosita,
Thought I'd come round for a look.
Interesting story! You might, emphasize might, want to make the following changes:
1st graph: comma after "coffeehouse"
2nd graph: comma before "but"
6th graph: perhaps an em dash after "moment" and then use a lowercase H in "He."
7th graph: consider using was before "frustration."
Second to last graph: maybe use a comma before and in, "and his world . . . ."
However, grammar, punctuation, etc. is not my forte.
Very imaginative piece!
Best wishes,
J. P.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Hey thank you so much for coming around. Greatly appreciate the suggestions and I will go back and have a look.
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is sensational writing! I felt every moment, every word. It actually took my breath at different points. You are a talent to be reckoned with my friend. I'm going to follow if you don't mind. I'd love to see what else leaks from the depths of your muse. Best wishes and much success on FS.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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This is sensational writing! I felt every moment, every word. It actually took my breath at different points. You are a talent to be reckoned with my friend. I'm going to follow if you don't mind. I'd love to see what else leaks from the depths of your muse. Best wishes and much success on FS.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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Oh Wow. Again thank you. I do like to write the darker stuff. I always seem to be drawn down that path. Thank you for making my weekend.
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, Claimed, has a neat beginning, setting up the thrust of the characters motivation. The tension is well-created and the chase is on.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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This story, Claimed, has a neat beginning, setting up the thrust of the characters motivation. The tension is well-created and the chase is on.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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Thank you for reading and the comments. I'll see where the characters take me on this one.
Comment from lancellot
I think you have a good start. You may want to shave off a hundred words or so, as the scene and atmosphere was set early. The rest was... unneeded or the tale stopped progressing.
notes:
The moment he stepped through the doorway into the coffeehouse {the smell of her} hit him like a fist upside the head.
- her scent
His beast rose within him demanding what was theirs.
- The beast within roared, demanding what was his.
- This gives it more of persona of it's own, not fully controlled or tamed.
Gabriel tilted his head back and allowed his senses to read the room.
- I would change this. He was already in the room and would already done this upon entering.
His nostrils flared as another {drift} of her mouthwatering scent crashed through him.
- waft
He'd had his share of {sex in his lifetime}, he was lycan, they were {highly sexual creatures} but this was more.
-sexual partners or bitches (given what he is)
- no need to tell the reader this. You're showing and will show more.
He had no choice but to follow the primal dictates of his beast.
- See, before you made it seem as if the beast and him were one.
Lust filled images blazed
- Here you begin telling, and go into exposition and description. The story trails off here, as the readers sees they were teased.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2022
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I think you have a good start. You may want to shave off a hundred words or so, as the scene and atmosphere was set early. The rest was... unneeded or the tale stopped progressing.
notes:
The moment he stepped through the doorway into the coffeehouse {the smell of her} hit him like a fist upside the head.
- her scent
His beast rose within him demanding what was theirs.
- The beast within roared, demanding what was his.
- This gives it more of persona of it's own, not fully controlled or tamed.
Gabriel tilted his head back and allowed his senses to read the room.
- I would change this. He was already in the room and would already done this upon entering.
His nostrils flared as another {drift} of her mouthwatering scent crashed through him.
- waft
He'd had his share of {sex in his lifetime}, he was lycan, they were {highly sexual creatures} but this was more.
-sexual partners or bitches (given what he is)
- no need to tell the reader this. You're showing and will show more.
He had no choice but to follow the primal dictates of his beast.
- See, before you made it seem as if the beast and him were one.
Lust filled images blazed
- Here you begin telling, and go into exposition and description. The story trails off here, as the readers sees they were teased.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2022
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Hello and thank you for your time in reading and commenting. I appreciate the feedback since I've only been writing a short while. It's good to get another's perspective. Again thank you.
Comment from Annette R.
With the picture of wolves, it was hard to tell if the animal would be a human in the end. My tip is: make the font larger so it's easier to read. Probably because I do volunteer work with abused women and children, this description of sex is disturbing. Makes me think of an abusive man stalking his victim.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2022
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With the picture of wolves, it was hard to tell if the animal would be a human in the end. My tip is: make the font larger so it's easier to read. Probably because I do volunteer work with abused women and children, this description of sex is disturbing. Makes me think of an abusive man stalking his victim.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2022
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Hi there. I will double check the font size. I write a lot of paranormal so in the scope of that genre animalistic tendencies are very strong. I also write dark stories so just a heads up for the future. Thank you for your time in reading and commenting.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is good, very erotic. It's not really a story yet as the reader is left wondering if the girl knows she is lycan, or has he somehow made a mistake. Is she going to force him to woe her as even lady wolves sometimes play hard to get? Congratulations on making your first posting. If you have questions, I might know an answer, but learning all the ins and outs takes a while. You can always get info from the ask under messages.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2022
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This is good, very erotic. It's not really a story yet as the reader is left wondering if the girl knows she is lycan, or has he somehow made a mistake. Is she going to force him to woe her as even lady wolves sometimes play hard to get? Congratulations on making your first posting. If you have questions, I might know an answer, but learning all the ins and outs takes a while. You can always get info from the ask under messages.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2022
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Appreciate it very much. We will see if she knows of not ( winks ). I may have questions. I've been looking around. Thank you so much again.
Comment from Malcolm Rothery
That is a great piece of writing and really dragged me in. Very well-paced, but now I need to have a cold shower!
Just one suggestion I may be wrong about;
I think the sentence that begins "That he would hunt down...." should start "He would hunt down..."
It doesn't quite read right starting with 'That.'
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2022
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That is a great piece of writing and really dragged me in. Very well-paced, but now I need to have a cold shower!
Just one suggestion I may be wrong about;
I think the sentence that begins "That he would hunt down...." should start "He would hunt down..."
It doesn't quite read right starting with 'That.'
Comment Written 15-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2022
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Thank you so much for reading. I will definitely go back and have a look. Thank you for the suggestion. It's appreciated.
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
Welcome to Fanstory!!
You will find a tremendous community of authors and poets that will give you constructive criticism as well as encouragement. This is a good start to a story, I'm curious to see where it goes. I would consider breaking up the longer paragraphs, double spacing? Just an opinion.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Welcome to Fanstory!!
You will find a tremendous community of authors and poets that will give you constructive criticism as well as encouragement. This is a good start to a story, I'm curious to see where it goes. I would consider breaking up the longer paragraphs, double spacing? Just an opinion.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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/thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated
Comment from L. Kalere
I'd say you've come on the scene with quite a bang. Are you sure this is your first? Terrific story and character: intense, exciting and terrifying. You are going to become a favorite on this site, especially with those of us who find ourselves oddly drawn to the dark side. In my case, it's all those books I read, not from bad experiences. I hope you continue to tell Gabriel's story, but please don't keep us hanging for too long:)).
Look for my name on your list of fans (I'll be alerted to your posts, unless entered in a "blind" contest, where the authors are anonymous) I'm glad I held on to a six, in case something special came up.
In case you didn't know, reviewers are allowed to award 6, six-star ratings per week, beginning every Sunday. The earlier in the week you post, the more likely that reviewers have not used them all up. There's nothing more frustrating than to have someone say "if I had a six I would give it to you". If you need some help with navigating the site, I'd be glad to help. It's a bit of a learning curve. Best of luck!
Linda
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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I'd say you've come on the scene with quite a bang. Are you sure this is your first? Terrific story and character: intense, exciting and terrifying. You are going to become a favorite on this site, especially with those of us who find ourselves oddly drawn to the dark side. In my case, it's all those books I read, not from bad experiences. I hope you continue to tell Gabriel's story, but please don't keep us hanging for too long:)).
Look for my name on your list of fans (I'll be alerted to your posts, unless entered in a "blind" contest, where the authors are anonymous) I'm glad I held on to a six, in case something special came up.
In case you didn't know, reviewers are allowed to award 6, six-star ratings per week, beginning every Sunday. The earlier in the week you post, the more likely that reviewers have not used them all up. There's nothing more frustrating than to have someone say "if I had a six I would give it to you". If you need some help with navigating the site, I'd be glad to help. It's a bit of a learning curve. Best of luck!
Linda
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Well oh my gosh I'm a bit tongue tied right now. Thank you so much for all the incredible insight. I'm still learning the site and have not figured it all out. I see a few contests that look interesting so I might try that. Thank you for enjoying the beginning of Claimed. I most definitely will ask for help. And thank you for the six. I never would have imagined that.
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Get used to them...you have quite a talent.
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Thank you again
Comment from Annmuma
And to think this was your first post!!! Excellent job. I like the story line, the imagery s great, the pacing is nice and there is an entrance to understanding your characters. Good Jog.
I have one suggestion -- the size of your type. It i hard for me to see and I'm guessing it may be for others. I suggest you use advanced editor and a font size of 16 or better. I typically use an Arial black, with an 18 font -- of course, not everyone is as blind as me. lol.
Thanks for writing. I am signing on as a fan. ann
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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And to think this was your first post!!! Excellent job. I like the story line, the imagery s great, the pacing is nice and there is an entrance to understanding your characters. Good Jog.
I have one suggestion -- the size of your type. It i hard for me to see and I'm guessing it may be for others. I suggest you use advanced editor and a font size of 16 or better. I typically use an Arial black, with an 18 font -- of course, not everyone is as blind as me. lol.
Thanks for writing. I am signing on as a fan. ann
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Hi there and thank you for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Advanced editor ? Where do I look for this. Is it within Fanstory itself or just on my laptop. Thank you for the suggestion. It's greatly appreciated.
