Bitten by a Butterfly
Shes missing32 total reviews
Comment from karenina
No apology necessary or warranted. Fergi has not one redeemable social value...
Crabgrass needs to die.
I've arrived late and see many have offered editorial bits...
Which leaves me the pleasure of saying I enjoyed the story.
The butterfly "taunting" was a thread through the story which paid off big with your closing line!
I prefer this length... It's taut and tense and terse.
You've offered enough about Fergi, Chase and Brick to flesh out precisely what motivates them.
Fergi? She made an ash of herself!
Smile.
Karenina
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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No apology necessary or warranted. Fergi has not one redeemable social value...
Crabgrass needs to die.
I've arrived late and see many have offered editorial bits...
Which leaves me the pleasure of saying I enjoyed the story.
The butterfly "taunting" was a thread through the story which paid off big with your closing line!
I prefer this length... It's taut and tense and terse.
You've offered enough about Fergi, Chase and Brick to flesh out precisely what motivates them.
Fergi? She made an ash of herself!
Smile.
Karenina
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2022
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Yes, I'm always amazed at the people that take the time, not only with me, but with all of us (I guess that's what it's all about) Thank God for them. It's nice to have their expertise hanging in the shadows, so to speak. Someday, I'll surprise them, and get it ALL right, lol. (NOT). Thank you, my friend, for the great review, and HA! on the: Fergi? She made an ash out of herself. it brought a smile to my sip of morning, Joe. :)
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The magic happens as the wisdom shared ripples across the pond of every writer... I think we never really complete a work... Even we are a work in progress! Glad you smiled with your coffee! --K
Comment from kahpot
"Bitten by a butterfly" what a wonderful ending to an excellent story, as I am not much of a story reader or writer I took my time reading this one, I thoroughly enjoyed the journey throughout, "she's in an urn in my suitcase" many wonderful turns in this story, very well written****kahpot
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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"Bitten by a butterfly" what a wonderful ending to an excellent story, as I am not much of a story reader or writer I took my time reading this one, I thoroughly enjoyed the journey throughout, "she's in an urn in my suitcase" many wonderful turns in this story, very well written****kahpot
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Thank you, my friend. I'm happy you enjoyed it. It means a lot, kahpot.
Comment from Dawn Munro
My reviewing practice is to offer suggestions as I read... When something is as compelling a story as yours is, I am happy to offer what help I can. This is outstanding writing, IMHO, and it only needs a little tweaking, mostly for punctuation. (That's what an editor is for, isn't it?) (*smile*)
"Hey Chase, are you coming to the crematorium with me today." -- needs a question mark
Same here -- "Why can't you be a little nicer to him, Fergi."
Comma needed here --- "Flutter away (,) you..."
and here, a semi-colon is needed (for two independent clauses) -- "I'm sorry, Chase(;)..."
Hyphen needed here -- "...cake-shaped..."
comma here -- "After their morning coffee(,)..."
And so on.
"Seems you signed up for drama class without telling anyone?" This isn't a question, so it needs a period. If you want to imply Fergi's tone of voice implied a question, it has to be done differently -- perhaps a speech tag would work. e.g. 'she asked.' There are other ways, but your writing skill indicates you will know how to change it. (The flaws are mainly punctuation only. )
comma after -- "You answer me(,) ..." Commas are always used for direct address, such as this is.
Dear author, I won't continue to edit your punctuation -- I think the above examples will give you the information you need. However, I did notice a couple of plot flaws (unless I missed something... Certainly not out of the question! Lol.)
1) There is no mention of Fergi's husband not residing with them, merely that Chase picked him up at the airport. In itself, it doesn't explain, and it calls into question other details, like why Chase is saying, "...and I'm going to leave you wallowing in your own shit..."
2) The time difference should be explained at the start of this paragraph (that Chase is no longer only fifteen years old).
"Hey Dad, Yeah, it's nice to hear your voice. Dad, let's facetime I'd like to see you."
All in all, this borders on a six-star rating -- exceptional dialogue, believable characters, rich detail and well-anchored scenes. Were it not for the plot flaws... In any event, I enjoyed this immensely. You're obviously very talented. Best of luck!
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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My reviewing practice is to offer suggestions as I read... When something is as compelling a story as yours is, I am happy to offer what help I can. This is outstanding writing, IMHO, and it only needs a little tweaking, mostly for punctuation. (That's what an editor is for, isn't it?) (*smile*)
"Hey Chase, are you coming to the crematorium with me today." -- needs a question mark
Same here -- "Why can't you be a little nicer to him, Fergi."
Comma needed here --- "Flutter away (,) you..."
and here, a semi-colon is needed (for two independent clauses) -- "I'm sorry, Chase(;)..."
Hyphen needed here -- "...cake-shaped..."
comma here -- "After their morning coffee(,)..."
And so on.
"Seems you signed up for drama class without telling anyone?" This isn't a question, so it needs a period. If you want to imply Fergi's tone of voice implied a question, it has to be done differently -- perhaps a speech tag would work. e.g. 'she asked.' There are other ways, but your writing skill indicates you will know how to change it. (The flaws are mainly punctuation only. )
comma after -- "You answer me(,) ..." Commas are always used for direct address, such as this is.
Dear author, I won't continue to edit your punctuation -- I think the above examples will give you the information you need. However, I did notice a couple of plot flaws (unless I missed something... Certainly not out of the question! Lol.)
1) There is no mention of Fergi's husband not residing with them, merely that Chase picked him up at the airport. In itself, it doesn't explain, and it calls into question other details, like why Chase is saying, "...and I'm going to leave you wallowing in your own shit..."
2) The time difference should be explained at the start of this paragraph (that Chase is no longer only fifteen years old).
"Hey Dad, Yeah, it's nice to hear your voice. Dad, let's facetime I'd like to see you."
All in all, this borders on a six-star rating -- exceptional dialogue, believable characters, rich detail and well-anchored scenes. Were it not for the plot flaws... In any event, I enjoyed this immensely. You're obviously very talented. Best of luck!
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Hi, Dawn. I thank you so much for your Indepth review and critique of my work. I see all of your punctuation critiques, and I will revisit to make those changes. It is always when you think you may be done, lol. I also see your notes on the plot flaws and do agree they could cause some confusion. I'll have to ponder on that overnight and decide how to fix it. I'd like to extend my many thanks and appreciation for all your kind words, along with the honorable mention of the six stars, perhaps next time, if I can find all my punctuation oversights. LOL. Thank you again Dawn.
Comment from J. P. Olesen
Hi, John,
What a creative piece of fiction! I especially like the closing line of the story.
Couple of things, and these suggestions are entirely up to you--
I might try using more contractions to make the dialogue more conversational. I might also go over this very carefully regarding the placement of commas. But commas are extremely tricky and a very personal thing. I myself, rely pretty heavily on Pro-writing Aid (the free one) and Grammar Girl for most of my help. I ain't no English major, though, and mostly fly by the seat of my pants FWIW. Oh, you may also want to put an apostrophe in "Shes" in your one-sentence description.
Thanks again for your generous review!
Best,
J. P.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Hi, John,
What a creative piece of fiction! I especially like the closing line of the story.
Couple of things, and these suggestions are entirely up to you--
I might try using more contractions to make the dialogue more conversational. I might also go over this very carefully regarding the placement of commas. But commas are extremely tricky and a very personal thing. I myself, rely pretty heavily on Pro-writing Aid (the free one) and Grammar Girl for most of my help. I ain't no English major, though, and mostly fly by the seat of my pants FWIW. Oh, you may also want to put an apostrophe in "Shes" in your one-sentence description.
Thanks again for your generous review!
Best,
J. P.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Hi, J.P Thank you for a great review. Yes, I try to keep my contraction in check, but sometimes they get away from me. I'll go back in and revisit. You're absolutely right about a more natural sound to dialouge. Thanks again my friend.
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You're more than welcome
Comment from Lilly Flowers
I think you did a really nice job with this story. It held my attention throughout. Great characterization, action and just the right amount of description. I only found one thing that may need changing:
"Chase! get your goddamn ass in here and rub my legs." I think the word 'Get' should be capitalized. No need to apologize for the spicy language. A story needs to be realistic. Besides, people got their warning and if they get offended, they don't have to read. Best wishes, Lilly
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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I think you did a really nice job with this story. It held my attention throughout. Great characterization, action and just the right amount of description. I only found one thing that may need changing:
"Chase! get your goddamn ass in here and rub my legs." I think the word 'Get' should be capitalized. No need to apologize for the spicy language. A story needs to be realistic. Besides, people got their warning and if they get offended, they don't have to read. Best wishes, Lilly
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Thank you, Lilly for a great review. I will make that change.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this post with us. I enjoyed reading. Fergi was not a very nice person. You did a great job telling this story.
"Dad?" He yelled from the chemical room. (lower case 'h' on 'he')
"What the hell did you want me to do with her." Please don't ask me anymore questions, Chase. This is why I didn't want to say anything to you." (omit quotation marks after 'her.")
Brick held his hand up and turned his head away from Chase. "Promise me."
"Alright, alright I promise." (two dialogues in one paragraph, you need a space between them)
A reporter worked his way to the front and pushed his mike between the Iron bars of the gate. (mic????)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Thank you for sharing this post with us. I enjoyed reading. Fergi was not a very nice person. You did a great job telling this story.
"Dad?" He yelled from the chemical room. (lower case 'h' on 'he')
"What the hell did you want me to do with her." Please don't ask me anymore questions, Chase. This is why I didn't want to say anything to you." (omit quotation marks after 'her.")
Brick held his hand up and turned his head away from Chase. "Promise me."
"Alright, alright I promise." (two dialogues in one paragraph, you need a space between them)
A reporter worked his way to the front and pushed his mike between the Iron bars of the gate. (mic????)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Thank you, Barbera for your review always welcome and always helpful. I had to laugh at the Mike (mic) critique. I was so close to the end of the story I wrote right by it and then read it a thousand times after and never gave it another look. You were the first to catch that one, lol. Thank you. :)
Comment from irishauthorme
Hey, had to give a sixer for this work! Not only a great story, but you had the guts to tell it like it was, and you created a memorable character in Fergie (Yeah shit, reminded me of someone). Chase and his dad came alive in your narrative, rounding out the story with their close relationship.
Yeah, think we have a few 'somethings in common!'
Great work, you just get better with age!
irish
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Hey, had to give a sixer for this work! Not only a great story, but you had the guts to tell it like it was, and you created a memorable character in Fergie (Yeah shit, reminded me of someone). Chase and his dad came alive in your narrative, rounding out the story with their close relationship.
Yeah, think we have a few 'somethings in common!'
Great work, you just get better with age!
irish
Comment Written 18-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2022
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Ha! Thank you so much, irish. It means a lot. You're always a great inspiration. I thank you immensely for the SIXER. I'm sorry Fergi is somehow relatable to your life. She's toxic and I hope your encounters are behind you.
Comment from Annette R.
Loved the title and the last line. I lived with a male Fergi a couple of years, so no apologies needed. Where you write Closed the door behind Chase the 'c' should be capitalized. Later Chase says good to hear you laugh Dad. When did he laugh? And the paragraph What the hell ... has one too many quotation marks. Good dialogue, interesting story creatively told.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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Loved the title and the last line. I lived with a male Fergi a couple of years, so no apologies needed. Where you write Closed the door behind Chase the 'c' should be capitalized. Later Chase says good to hear you laugh Dad. When did he laugh? And the paragraph What the hell ... has one too many quotation marks. Good dialogue, interesting story creatively told.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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Thank you, Annette for a wonderful review. I'm sorry you had to experience a male Fergi. I know they're out there.
Comment from Terry Broxson
First a small "spag" "Brick closed the door behind c(C)hase.
As someone who had enjoyed your work, I would suggest this story could maybe go one of two ways. Longer, I know you prefer shorter work, but you have some good stuff here. It seems to me you could flush it out with more character (s) development if you wanted. On the other hand, if you leave it short, I would suggest trying to "tighten it up" a bit.
I can not write fiction as well as you, so I don't know how you should do either one but as your reader that would be my input. My preference is that you have the making for really good longer work. Good job. Terry.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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First a small "spag" "Brick closed the door behind c(C)hase.
As someone who had enjoyed your work, I would suggest this story could maybe go one of two ways. Longer, I know you prefer shorter work, but you have some good stuff here. It seems to me you could flush it out with more character (s) development if you wanted. On the other hand, if you leave it short, I would suggest trying to "tighten it up" a bit.
I can not write fiction as well as you, so I don't know how you should do either one but as your reader that would be my input. My preference is that you have the making for really good longer work. Good job. Terry.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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Thank you, Terry for a great review and thank you for the kind words and suggestion to extend this one a bit more.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I would have used that poison years ago! I'm guessing that the police released him because they couldn't find anything to charge him with. Good for him. Some people don't deserve to be helped or loved. She was one of them. Well done, John, this was a great little story! I enjoyed it. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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I would have used that poison years ago! I'm guessing that the police released him because they couldn't find anything to charge him with. Good for him. Some people don't deserve to be helped or loved. She was one of them. Well done, John, this was a great little story! I enjoyed it. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 17-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2022
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Thank you, Sandra for the great review. I'm so pleased I'm finding you well after Covid. I wish you and your husband continued recovery
