Bitten by a Butterfly
Shes missing32 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, you have a good story idea, a classic. There are two main issues I see.
1) needs more editing
2) the characters are one dimensional. They are surface level, and no depth or reason for who they are is given.
The news of her disappearance spread across the country like an unabated rain.
- good opening.
"Please everyone, he should be arriving at the gates in a few minutes he'll give you his statement there."
- suggest making this its own paragraph or line.
Fergi's husband, Brick, moved Chase aside and took over the leg rub.
- We actually never saw Chase begin the leg rub.
"And I suppose you've been his father for these past fifteen years? I can show him more about being a man than you can, for Christ's sake.(") You {aint} nothing but a butterfly, a wimpy little butterfly."
- remove
-ain't
"Chase, are you coming to the crematorium with me today. I may need your help with Mrs. Shagan's remains. The family had a change in plans, and they're laying her to rest this afternoon instead of tomorrow."
- we need to who is talking here. I thought it was Fergi.
"Yeah, go ahead[,] Brick,
I own your ass[,] Brick;
- direct address
"I'm sorry[,] Chase you deserve better from
- add
["]Yeah, that's fine, I'm just a little confused..."
- add
t. []"How {the shit} do I get into this thing, Chase?"
- add space
- in the hell or the fuck
Brick sat inside and sank below the windshield. ["]Chase, how do you move the seat up."
- add
"Relax [,]Dad it'll adjust by itself to a comfortable position."
- add
"So, what's going on with Fergi? Something {aint} right, Dad."
- ain't (change all at once)
"What the hell did you want me to do with her.(") Please don't ask me anymore questions, Chase. This is why I didn't want to say anything to you."
- remove
Then the {shits} going to hit the fan."
-shit's
"I heard you and your dad have been released as suspects. That has to be a relief for you both?"
-Chase never left L.A. Why was he taken in as a suspect?
"If I had to guess... I'd say she may have been bitten by a butterfly.["]
-add
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reply by the author on 16-Apr-2022
   |
Hmm, you have a good story idea, a classic. There are two main issues I see.
1) needs more editing
2) the characters are one dimensional. They are surface level, and no depth or reason for who they are is given.
The news of her disappearance spread across the country like an unabated rain.
- good opening.
"Please everyone, he should be arriving at the gates in a few minutes he'll give you his statement there."
- suggest making this its own paragraph or line.
Fergi's husband, Brick, moved Chase aside and took over the leg rub.
- We actually never saw Chase begin the leg rub.
"And I suppose you've been his father for these past fifteen years? I can show him more about being a man than you can, for Christ's sake.(") You {aint} nothing but a butterfly, a wimpy little butterfly."
- remove
-ain't
"Chase, are you coming to the crematorium with me today. I may need your help with Mrs. Shagan's remains. The family had a change in plans, and they're laying her to rest this afternoon instead of tomorrow."
- we need to who is talking here. I thought it was Fergi.
"Yeah, go ahead[,] Brick,
I own your ass[,] Brick;
- direct address
"I'm sorry[,] Chase you deserve better from
- add
["]Yeah, that's fine, I'm just a little confused..."
- add
t. []"How {the shit} do I get into this thing, Chase?"
- add space
- in the hell or the fuck
Brick sat inside and sank below the windshield. ["]Chase, how do you move the seat up."
- add
"Relax [,]Dad it'll adjust by itself to a comfortable position."
- add
"So, what's going on with Fergi? Something {aint} right, Dad."
- ain't (change all at once)
"What the hell did you want me to do with her.(") Please don't ask me anymore questions, Chase. This is why I didn't want to say anything to you."
- remove
Then the {shits} going to hit the fan."
-shit's
"I heard you and your dad have been released as suspects. That has to be a relief for you both?"
-Chase never left L.A. Why was he taken in as a suspect?
"If I had to guess... I'd say she may have been bitten by a butterfly.["]
-add
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2022
-
Thank you, Lance. I appreciate the time you took to review. I will put some thought into my one-dimensional characters and incorporate some possible background. I thank you for the extensive editing help as well. You're always helpful.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Great story, full of tension and action. You made that woman one piece of work. It sounds like both men put up with a lot. You did a wonderful job. Happy Easter. Shirley
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2022
|
Great story, full of tension and action. You made that woman one piece of work. It sounds like both men put up with a lot. You did a wonderful job. Happy Easter. Shirley
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2022
-
Thank you, Shirley. I always appreciate your reviews. Happy Easter to you as well.
