A Slap in the Dark
When paranoia becomes violence26 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Oh dear, so it was him all along. In the end you really had me convinced that the women was all crazed.
What a wonderful script and surprise ending. It's very to well written. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
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Oh dear, so it was him all along. In the end you really had me convinced that the women was all crazed.
What a wonderful script and surprise ending. It's very to well written. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 08-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Ulla :-). I'm so happy you liked my script! I might have to write some more.
Mike
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Oh, I think you should. I'll be looking forward to it. :)))
Comment from jp88
Hello, and thank you for letting me read this! I greatly enjoyed the piece.
Your opener was fantastic. Immediate stakes and tension, the visual was strong and immersive, without getting lost in too much detail.
I got an idea about what is going on when the old man's face appeared - but it didn't take anything away. I was still curious if I was right (assuming at that point that we are dealing with a delusion), so I would always continue reading. It is still not clear to me if she actually tortured those men, or if that was in her head/imagination. Also, I'm unsure if Darren (the doctor) ever did something to her, or if she is only imagining that as well. I don't think that detracts from your writing, and the story is impactful still - but up until the last line I've been wishing for some twist, something a bit stronger than the "you're in your psychiatrist's office" reveal. Maybe, if you could do something stronger, like hinting towards the fact that Darren had indeed planned to/done something unspeakable in the past? Or anything really that makes the twist more of a gut-turner?
Two tiny language suggestions:
"little-dick friends" - just by reading it, I thought it should be "small-dick friends", and it turns out it's true: Apparently, we are supposed to use little for amounts, and small for characteristics.
"half-visible in shadow, then opens wide." - maybe "half-visible in the shadow, ..."?
Apart from that, really well done. Loved this.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
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Hello, and thank you for letting me read this! I greatly enjoyed the piece.
Your opener was fantastic. Immediate stakes and tension, the visual was strong and immersive, without getting lost in too much detail.
I got an idea about what is going on when the old man's face appeared - but it didn't take anything away. I was still curious if I was right (assuming at that point that we are dealing with a delusion), so I would always continue reading. It is still not clear to me if she actually tortured those men, or if that was in her head/imagination. Also, I'm unsure if Darren (the doctor) ever did something to her, or if she is only imagining that as well. I don't think that detracts from your writing, and the story is impactful still - but up until the last line I've been wishing for some twist, something a bit stronger than the "you're in your psychiatrist's office" reveal. Maybe, if you could do something stronger, like hinting towards the fact that Darren had indeed planned to/done something unspeakable in the past? Or anything really that makes the twist more of a gut-turner?
Two tiny language suggestions:
"little-dick friends" - just by reading it, I thought it should be "small-dick friends", and it turns out it's true: Apparently, we are supposed to use little for amounts, and small for characteristics.
"half-visible in shadow, then opens wide." - maybe "half-visible in the shadow, ..."?
Apart from that, really well done. Loved this.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much for the thoughtful and detailed feedback. My hope was to leave the ending intentionally ambiguous and let the reader decide what was true. I wanted to have my cake and eat it, by having the twist that the doctor is Darren, but still not actually resolve everything. Thanks for the notes and catches - greatly appreciated :-)
Mike
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
Oh, my goodness! You had me from the opening scene. What a riveting script. The ending left me feeling her psychiatrist takes advantage of his patients or she is fixated on him and calls all of her previous victims his name. Reminded me of the old Twilight Zone stories or an Alfred Hitchcock tale. What a brooding, unsettling script. Well-done indeed.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
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Oh, my goodness! You had me from the opening scene. What a riveting script. The ending left me feeling her psychiatrist takes advantage of his patients or she is fixated on him and calls all of her previous victims his name. Reminded me of the old Twilight Zone stories or an Alfred Hitchcock tale. What a brooding, unsettling script. Well-done indeed.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much, Sandra :-). I was really happy when I realised I could have a twist ending but still leave it ambiguous, as you noted. I'm so glad you liked it!
Mike
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You are a great writer! You aren't afraid of taking risks. You should do well in this contest. Can you explain how they are scored?
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I do have some insight from my previous time on FS, some 8 years ago, when I was on the committee. The contest committee members discuss and vote amongst themselves to decide the results. On something like this, there probably aren't too many entries so it'll probably get decided quite fast. With some poetry contests, it can take a while just to agree a short list because you have to give all the entries a fair read. Of course, I have no idea who's even on the committee now (thankfully!).
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Interesting, so why do they ask us to vote if the final decision is theirs to make?
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It depends on the type of contest. If it's a prompt or a user created contest, they go to a vote by us. In those cases, the Compliance Committee (separate from the Contest Committee) makes sure the entries have followed the rules before opening up the vote. If it's a cash prize contest (like the script one), it's decided as I described before, by the Contest Committee. The only exception is the monthly poem/story/book of the month contests where the Committee decides the short list and then they open up to voting by us.
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Thank you for the clarification for voting on this site.
Comment from jessizero
Oh! That was quite a ride. I enjoyed it, even when it was upsetting. That ending was really something. Thank you so much for sharing this here, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
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Oh! That was quite a ride. I enjoyed it, even when it was upsetting. That ending was really something. Thank you so much for sharing this here, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much for the awesome review :-). I was really pleased with how this came out. Might have to do some more script writing.
Mike
Comment from tfawcus
A disturbing scenario, for sure. The way you've imagined the staging of it would add to the tension and give each member of the audience a chance to put his or her spin on it. Each scene is a plausible set-up for a rape - yes, it could have happened. The scene with Darren that we never see, and the trauma it has caused, leave a lasting impression as you end in Dr Gosford's office.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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A disturbing scenario, for sure. The way you've imagined the staging of it would add to the tension and give each member of the audience a chance to put his or her spin on it. Each scene is a plausible set-up for a rape - yes, it could have happened. The scene with Darren that we never see, and the trauma it has caused, leave a lasting impression as you end in Dr Gosford's office.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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Thank you :-). This was a strong visual piece in my head, and I enjoyed adding texture with the directions. Scripts are something I'd love to do more, but I feel as though I need to be there, seeing things cone to life on stage or camera, to really help bring it to life. Who knows - maybe one day!
Mike
Comment from John Ciarmello
This is sensational, Mike. You are such a talent. Your style is addicting as well as your work. I couldn't stop reading this. The twist is the best I've read in a long time. Well done, Mike.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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This is sensational, Mike. You are such a talent. Your style is addicting as well as your work. I couldn't stop reading this. The twist is the best I've read in a long time. Well done, Mike.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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Thank you, John :-). This was fun to write, and the twist came to me about half way through, and really rounded out the whole concept. I often find I have to start writing to get my better ideas to come out.
Mike
Comment from Ric Myworld
I normally don't read scripts, or many anyways. But I'm glad I made time for this one. Outstanding descriptive writing that kept this reader tuned in from beginning to end. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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I normally don't read scripts, or many anyways. But I'm glad I made time for this one. Outstanding descriptive writing that kept this reader tuned in from beginning to end. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much, Ric :-). It wasn't getting many reviews at first but they've started to come in now. I love writing scripts, but it's hard to get traction with them!
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Yes, it's been one of those weeks for me too. My post is way behind on reads. It won't take you long to be at the top of the hill!
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is cool! I couldn't decide who was the bad person here and who was the bad. I must say one would be as bad as the other. Either one could/would be a nightmare. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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This is cool! I couldn't decide who was the bad person here and who was the bad. I must say one would be as bad as the other. Either one could/would be a nightmare. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Nancy :-). I wrote it, and I still don't know who the bad person is! Perhaps both, indeed.
Mike
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Fleedleflump a good day to you. I hope this finds you well. I really enjoyed your script it was well written and it kept me engaged, great job! That ending line, nice plot twist that leaves more questions than answers. great job and good luck!
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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Hello Fleedleflump a good day to you. I hope this finds you well. I really enjoyed your script it was well written and it kept me engaged, great job! That ending line, nice plot twist that leaves more questions than answers. great job and good luck!
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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Thank you, my friend :-). I loved the idea of a twist ending that still doesn't give any definitive answers!
Mike
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a brilliant script story, Mike! Very well done. I think Jenny has focused her attention on the Doctor, and every man she slapped was Darren ... Doctor Gosford. The twist at the end was really well done!! Good luck in the contest, this has to be a strong entry. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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That was a brilliant script story, Mike! Very well done. I think Jenny has focused her attention on the Doctor, and every man she slapped was Darren ... Doctor Gosford. The twist at the end was really well done!! Good luck in the contest, this has to be a strong entry. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Sandra :-). I started with the idea of the slap/jump cut montage to cycle through victims (perps?), then thought we should end in a therapy session, and then the light bulb came on - what if the doctor was called Darren? I always seem to get ideas once I'm already writing, and have to scribble them down while trying to remember where I was up to! Thanks again for the great review :-)
Mike
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That's what happens to me, I'm half way through a chapter and suddenly a better idea comes and I have to change the way it was going. It's good, it opens up our imaginations more. 😊
