Heart Crafted Poems - 2022
Viewing comments for Chapter 52 "The Cost of Battle"Musings of an old man - 2022
29 total reviews
Comment from Terry Broxson
The is a beautifully written poem with outstanding rhyming and rhythm. I felt it was almost like a march that could be put to music. It also has a great message. Very well-done. Terry.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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The is a beautifully written poem with outstanding rhyming and rhythm. I felt it was almost like a march that could be put to music. It also has a great message. Very well-done. Terry.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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Thank you so very much for your review and validating comments
Comment from Whitewave
JLR,
An outstanding picture of the pain, devastation and cost of battle.
Your words express the same.
Actually, there is no prize in war - no-one wins - everyone loses.
War within families
War in the street
War the world over
Ourselves we defeat
We each are the other
We all are one
When this much is known
then peace has begun.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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JLR,
An outstanding picture of the pain, devastation and cost of battle.
Your words express the same.
Actually, there is no prize in war - no-one wins - everyone loses.
War within families
War in the street
War the world over
Ourselves we defeat
We each are the other
We all are one
When this much is known
then peace has begun.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your service, I am an aging Viet Nam veteran who served in the Army with the Medical corps. I have unlimited respect for all who serve under whatever flag - the penultimate success of and for mankind would be a 1000 years of Peace
Comment from lyenochka
Wonderful tribute to our military men and women. I like how you used the form well to first start the readiness and strength of the recruits and then the next to show how hard it was to "breed" these heroes. May they all return home safely!
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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Wonderful tribute to our military men and women. I like how you used the form well to first start the readiness and strength of the recruits and then the next to show how hard it was to "breed" these heroes. May they all return home safely!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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My friend, yes! I am an aging Viet Nam veteran who served in the Army with the Medical corps. I have unlimited respect for all who serve under whatever flag - the penultimate success of and for mankind would be a 1000 years of Peace
Comment from robyn corum
JLR,
I really enjoy war poems -- which is weird to say. Perhaps I should say I APPRECIATE them. Thank you for writing about those dedicated men and women who freely chose to train and serve and even fight for OUR rights. It's so amazing.
This poem style is unique and cool - but then, so is its creator, Tom. ha Thanks for sharing that info! It's really cool that you and the group are doing these. YAY!
Though I appreciate you and the message you are sharing here, I did see a few things worth mentioning. You'll find some notes below. Feel free to use what you like and dismiss the rest. *smile*
Notes:
1.) Five were steeds with caissons in tow
--> this sounds like five of the HEROES were steeds. Perhaps:
--> Five (on) steeds with caissons in tow
2.) Hard fought were the battles each blow
--> a bit jumbled-
--> Each battle will mean a hard blow
3.) Encamped, misspent; the wins came slow
--> again, a little jumbled and confusing (imo)
--> what does the 'misspent' refer to?
4.) The section below seems to indicate/ foreshadow a very negative outcome:
*
Platoon in size; untold did fall
Wounded, or dead
Forlorn, tired, cold
Numbed by bloodshed
Their tears controlled
*
So, to find the soldier comes HOME was a surprise at the end, to be honest.
5.) Platoon in size; untold did fall
--> this wording is confusing. Are you saying that PLATOONS have been lost? Or that many soldiers in one platoon have been lost, which reduces the numbers in that platoon? See what I mean? A bit confusing.
6.) Moms' sons; dads prise
--> [In your notes:] Prise - (verb) regard highly; think much of
--> This is incorrect. That definition is for the word 'prize'.
--> 'prise' = 1. to force open by levering · 2. to extract or obtain with difficulty. (they had to prise the news out of him.) noun · 3. rare or dialect.
With just a few changes, you will have a poem that will SING! Again, I appreciate SO MUCH that you chose to recognize and extol the men and women of service. They deserve so much from us. THANK YOU!
Please let me know if you do decide to edit. Thanks and good luck!
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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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JLR,
I really enjoy war poems -- which is weird to say. Perhaps I should say I APPRECIATE them. Thank you for writing about those dedicated men and women who freely chose to train and serve and even fight for OUR rights. It's so amazing.
This poem style is unique and cool - but then, so is its creator, Tom. ha Thanks for sharing that info! It's really cool that you and the group are doing these. YAY!
Though I appreciate you and the message you are sharing here, I did see a few things worth mentioning. You'll find some notes below. Feel free to use what you like and dismiss the rest. *smile*
Notes:
1.) Five were steeds with caissons in tow
--> this sounds like five of the HEROES were steeds. Perhaps:
--> Five (on) steeds with caissons in tow
2.) Hard fought were the battles each blow
--> a bit jumbled-
--> Each battle will mean a hard blow
3.) Encamped, misspent; the wins came slow
--> again, a little jumbled and confusing (imo)
--> what does the 'misspent' refer to?
4.) The section below seems to indicate/ foreshadow a very negative outcome:
*
Platoon in size; untold did fall
Wounded, or dead
Forlorn, tired, cold
Numbed by bloodshed
Their tears controlled
*
So, to find the soldier comes HOME was a surprise at the end, to be honest.
5.) Platoon in size; untold did fall
--> this wording is confusing. Are you saying that PLATOONS have been lost? Or that many soldiers in one platoon have been lost, which reduces the numbers in that platoon? See what I mean? A bit confusing.
6.) Moms' sons; dads prise
--> [In your notes:] Prise - (verb) regard highly; think much of
--> This is incorrect. That definition is for the word 'prize'.
--> 'prise' = 1. to force open by levering · 2. to extract or obtain with difficulty. (they had to prise the news out of him.) noun · 3. rare or dialect.
With just a few changes, you will have a poem that will SING! Again, I appreciate SO MUCH that you chose to recognize and extol the men and women of service. They deserve so much from us. THANK YOU!
Please let me know if you do decide to edit. Thanks and good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2022
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Robyn, thanks! I did implement some revisions I appreciate your thorough review- This poem is a reflection of WW1 when the last of the wars were fought with horses on the battlefield, ergo the steeds and caissons - there were many hand-to-hand combative clashes and the losses quite heavy.
As an aging veteran of the Viet Nam war, I pray daily for all who have and do serve to stay out of harm's way in each prayer, I seek the penultimate goal of a 1000 years of Peace with every weapon of war melted down.
Comment from royowen
I like the different meters in this poem, the effect is very symptomatic of very human activity without a set beat to it, I'm very rhythm generated through years of writing songs, but variety is good, beautifully written Jim, Blessings Roy
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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I like the different meters in this poem, the effect is very symptomatic of very human activity without a set beat to it, I'm very rhythm generated through years of writing songs, but variety is good, beautifully written Jim, Blessings Roy
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Thank you, I do appreciate your comments. This was the first time I have seen this poetic style which provides much variety.
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Bless you
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The objective correlative of your work reminisces the painful fangs of war.
The work highlights the accoutred nature of the soldiers; their cooperative disposition as team fighters; their winnings and setbacks in battles and how they seldom return home complete.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of rhymes, alliterations, imagery and onomatopoeias.
Excellent work. Bravo.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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The objective correlative of your work reminisces the painful fangs of war.
The work highlights the accoutred nature of the soldiers; their cooperative disposition as team fighters; their winnings and setbacks in battles and how they seldom return home complete.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of rhymes, alliterations, imagery and onomatopoeias.
Excellent work. Bravo.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Lloyd, I do thank you ft validating review and comments.
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Remain Blessed.
Comment from RodG
Though you could be describing the young recruits led off to any war, it seems you might be alluding to WWI here as "caissons" are mentioned. You describe the background of these young heroes, then describe how they fought and died. You handle the challenges (rhyme and meter) of this decatain very well. Rod
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Though you could be describing the young recruits led off to any war, it seems you might be alluding to WWI here as "caissons" are mentioned. You describe the background of these young heroes, then describe how they fought and died. You handle the challenges (rhyme and meter) of this decatain very well. Rod
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Rod, you are so correct! WW1 was a war among wars and perhaps the last time horses were used on the battle front.
Comment from Pantygynt
This is only the second of these I have read this time. Damommy's was the other one. As different as chalk from cheese. Given the world today this one is redolent of the current situation in Ukraine. My only adverse criticism is that 'did' in the fourth line of the second stanza. The use of the verb to do as an auxiliary verb is not recommended poetically as it does not add meaning. 'Did fall' is a clumsy way of saying 'fell' and is only there to preserve the syllable count. 'Would fall' would say much the same and add meaning.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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This is only the second of these I have read this time. Damommy's was the other one. As different as chalk from cheese. Given the world today this one is redolent of the current situation in Ukraine. My only adverse criticism is that 'did' in the fourth line of the second stanza. The use of the verb to do as an auxiliary verb is not recommended poetically as it does not add meaning. 'Did fall' is a clumsy way of saying 'fell' and is only there to preserve the syllable count. 'Would fall' would say much the same and add meaning.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Hi, friend~ as always, superior intellect provides superior suggestions. I am, of course, quite appreciative of your input.
Comment from Verna Cole Mitchell
As always, your writing is well worth reading and thinking about. Interesting, I wrote on the topic, "America's Defenders" this week (not posted), but mine was not up to the standard you set with this.
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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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As always, your writing is well worth reading and thinking about. Interesting, I wrote on the topic, "America's Defenders" this week (not posted), but mine was not up to the standard you set with this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2022
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Verna, I so value your kind comments. I do hope to read your America's Defenders sometime. Have a blessed weekend!
