Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Excellent

This was a very fun read and moved along at such a pace that if you made errors with any punctuation/grammar rules I was too fascinated to catch them. Very good writing and story line.

 Comment Written 16-Jun-2022

---

reply by the author on 16-Jun-2022

Thank you, Carol :-). Rozlyn's stories are a lot of fun to write, so I'm really glad you enjoyed it.

Mike

Comment from royowen

Excellent

This is very well written Mike, the thought and expressive description of the ensuing battle are excellently done, the descriptive text and imagery of the battle scenes aren't easy to do, but you've painted them verbally very well indeed, exciting ending leaving it open. Well done, blessings Roy

 Comment Written 15-Jun-2022

---

reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022

Thanks, Roy :-). I do enjoy writing action scenes so I'm glad it came across well.

Mike

reply by royowen on 15-Jun-2022

Good job

Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)

Exceptional

This is fantastic. I didn't used to think I liked fantasy, but that was when the worlds were peopled with the fae (characteristics rigidly determined), or spineless 'fighters'. Here I especially loved your tight, tense descriptions of emotions, and the line:
"Magic," I spat. "You used magic traps." ... "That's cheating." Delightful. Kate xx

 Comment Written 15-Jun-2022

---

reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022

Thanks so much, Kate - what a lovely review :-). I do enjoy writing fantasy, but I always try to make it about the characters and I can't resist sending up the tropes!

Mike

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

You did a great job writing this. I enjoyed the description of the violence and the banter between Rozlyn and Hazel-Eyes. I'm sure we will see him again. We just have too. It's not over between them. I wish I could write like this.

 Comment Written 15-Jun-2022

---

reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022

The grass is always greener on the other side - if you saw me trying to write pure romance, you'd have a good giggle :-). I love writing action sequences but I have to be careful - I know too much can become boring, which is the opposite to what I want!

Thanks so much for the encouragement :-)

Mike

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi Mike,

I liked the introduction done in the voice of LJ. My only concern about it is that you move from his first person narrative, straight into Rozlyn's first person narrative much may be a little confusing or jarring for some.

by methods various and nefarious- like this phrasing.

two of those generations - brothers Baristopn and Billy, - typo in the name here.

He moved forward, sword sliding into his grip,- this may be pedantic but he was already gripping the sword - one hand curling around the pommel of his sheathed weapon. (from slightly earlier)

You have a tendency here to use a comma to end the dialogue, followed by a piece of action which isn't really a tag. It would probably be better to either have the action followed by a comma and use continuing dialogue (starting lower case) or end the dialogue with a period, then the action, then new dialogue.

Good stuff here. you handled the action/fight scene well, which isn't always easy to do. it's quick, sharp and understandable. he humour remains good and consistent too.

Good stuff
G

 Comment Written 15-Jun-2022

---

reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022

Great to have you on board, my friend, and you go on being as pedantic as you wish :-). It's interesting, your note about tagging dialogue with actions - I thought I'd trained myself out of that.

As for action, I love writing it, although it takes longer than I expect!

Many thanks for your thoughts - greatly appreciated :-)

Mike

Comment from Brian Grimes

Exceptional

The rhyme in paragraph three adds something. I can't put my finger on it, but it really caught my attention in your description.

I also enjoyed the banter as the characters were sizing each other up and readying to battle.

I am a fantasy lover, and this chapter scratched that itch. It is well written with a nice dialogue flow and good balance between tha and narrative. Thank you for sharK

 Comment Written 15-Jun-2022

---

reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022

Thanks so much, Brian. I love writing fantasy and humour, so it only made sense to combine the two! I'm thrilled you enjoyed it :-)

Mike

Comment from John Ciarmello

Excellent

I know I've said it before, but you are my kind of writer. Quirky and funny! I'm such a fan, Mike. This is a great chapter. I enjoyed the read.
Honeytits! Omg! Bahaha!

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 15-Jun-2022

---

reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022

Lol, thanks John. If I can make people smile, that's all I ask for. The 'previously on' thing was a last minute thought as a way to fill the gaps for anyone who didn't read the last bit and add so e extra texture for those who did. Tha kfully, it seems to have worked. :-)

Mike

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

I hope it's not too shitty down there, it'll take a long time to get rid of the smell! She's good, isn't she? But Ell-Jay won't ge impressed when he stops sliding. Lol. At least she's out of Bariston/Billy's clutches - for a while. I'll have to wait until the next part to see if they both get clean away. Loved this one, fantasy at it's best. :)) Sandra xx

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 15-Jun-2022

---

reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022

Aww, thanks so much, Sandra :-). I'm really looking forward to posting more!

Mike