The Tor
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Deception"Adventures around & upon a hill
8 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Is an imposter the same as untrustworthy? Perhaps Abraham's advice was sound, even though he was acually defective in terms of personality within the order. I don't like to think of him as a through-and-through evil man. I want him to give good counsel.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Is an imposter the same as untrustworthy? Perhaps Abraham's advice was sound, even though he was acually defective in terms of personality within the order. I don't like to think of him as a through-and-through evil man. I want him to give good counsel.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Abraham was a good man, obviously, as he help so many. But he was anti-authority. That never goes over well. That's been my whole goal this lifetime. And what did I do? Spend 28 years in the convent. I guess, it was like being in a bad marriage. My mother stayed in hers, I stayed in mine, til I finally couldn't anymore. My mother's staying with a toxic alcoholic killed her.
Comment from Fleedleflump
I love your premise for this, having Madeline experience past events but with a modern PoV and voice, allowing us as readers an accessible gateway into the historic setting. It flows well and the dialogue is all plausible. I've made a few notes below - mostly around commas - which I hope are helpful.
Mike
Thoughts as I was reading:
'With no answers or explanation, the more days that pass with no Brother Abraham, to give counsel, the wearier the brothers grow.' - I'd remove the comma after Abraham, as it interrupted the flow for me.
'Our woundedness, confuses, plunging us into' - likewise, the first comma here makes us pause when we shouldn't - the confusion is a result of the woundedness, so it should be in the same clause.
'we are told by Abbott Richard, to reassemble' - this comma should also be removed.
'the hairs on the back of my neck, surely stand up' - same again.
'to feel as if we'd been run-through, with a double-edged dull sword' - same again.
'will resistantly, and defensively listen to every word' - same.
'The disgusted Abbot continued on with his rant.' - should be 'continues'
'There have been a growing number of heresies, that demands increased efforts' - I think this would flow better with a sentence break: 'There have been a growing number of heresies. This demands increased efforts'
'he was treated with the rough restraint, due a criminal.' - I'd remove this comma, too.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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I love your premise for this, having Madeline experience past events but with a modern PoV and voice, allowing us as readers an accessible gateway into the historic setting. It flows well and the dialogue is all plausible. I've made a few notes below - mostly around commas - which I hope are helpful.
Mike
Thoughts as I was reading:
'With no answers or explanation, the more days that pass with no Brother Abraham, to give counsel, the wearier the brothers grow.' - I'd remove the comma after Abraham, as it interrupted the flow for me.
'Our woundedness, confuses, plunging us into' - likewise, the first comma here makes us pause when we shouldn't - the confusion is a result of the woundedness, so it should be in the same clause.
'we are told by Abbott Richard, to reassemble' - this comma should also be removed.
'the hairs on the back of my neck, surely stand up' - same again.
'to feel as if we'd been run-through, with a double-edged dull sword' - same again.
'will resistantly, and defensively listen to every word' - same.
'The disgusted Abbot continued on with his rant.' - should be 'continues'
'There have been a growing number of heresies, that demands increased efforts' - I think this would flow better with a sentence break: 'There have been a growing number of heresies. This demands increased efforts'
'he was treated with the rough restraint, due a criminal.' - I'd remove this comma, too.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Mike, thank you for your supportive review. You are absolutely correct. I was corrected in high school for too many commas. The pendulum swung on here, not enough commas. It appears I have over corrected again. bwaaa
I'm not sure if you've read any of the previous chapters. If you are interested, it is about a real trip to England but tweaked to go 'Twilight Zone ish'. The first 18 chapters are about the power spots we visited, along with a crop circle. All with discussion about the Michael & Mary ley lines. This was building up to an idea of a sense we'd gotten, that we'd been there before. There were some pretty horrible things that happened. So I decided to write about them. You are welcome to scan through my portfolio to read any chapters leading up to this chapter. You could begin on chapter 16 to get into it. No need for a review, just enjoy.
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is a strange, but interesting chapter, Liz. It's difficult to understand the excuses for banishing people from this monastery. Perhaps Abraham was just trying to find a place where he felt he belonged. I liked the story at the end, about the mean man. Well done.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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This is a strange, but interesting chapter, Liz. It's difficult to understand the excuses for banishing people from this monastery. Perhaps Abraham was just trying to find a place where he felt he belonged. I liked the story at the end, about the mean man. Well done.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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Oh, you got to it. I was missing you. I hope you are well.
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I'm well, Liz, just busy trying to get so many things done before we go away, and struggling to keep up with the fast influx of new writing. If I fall behind while I'm away, know I will catch up with all the serials I'm following even if they are off the listing. :)
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I used one day to do my own writing, came back to 33 messages. I'm down to 11...bwaaa
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I'm now down to 14, but I'm getting tired so don't know if I'll get finished. lol
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LOL
Comment from dellsworthpoet
This passage is a very nice set up for some dramatic happening. The images are clear. The language fits the situation. The narrative stays on point. The dialogue is believable.
Suggestion:
You wrote "the volume of murmuring increased as the curious scanned the crowd. "
I think you may have meant the second the to be they.
Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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This passage is a very nice set up for some dramatic happening. The images are clear. The language fits the situation. The narrative stays on point. The dialogue is believable.
Suggestion:
You wrote "the volume of murmuring increased as the curious scanned the crowd. "
I think you may have meant the second the to be they.
Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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Thank you for the encouraging review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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You are welcome.
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***smile***
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You are welcome.
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***smile***
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You are welcome.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Abraham's deception is quite amazing as it would seem joining a monastery was picking a less than pleasant life if he's not a Catholic. The small story told as the end is interesting but strange. How can someone wear an actual pleasant mask that can be torn off?
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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Abraham's deception is quite amazing as it would seem joining a monastery was picking a less than pleasant life if he's not a Catholic. The small story told as the end is interesting but strange. How can someone wear an actual pleasant mask that can be torn off?
Comment Written 19-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your involved review. I'm glad it had the effect hoped for.
Comment from aryr
What a fantastic continuation chapter, Liz. I have learned a little more about Madeline or rather Brother Samuel. Abbot Richard or Brother or Prior has definitely has a dislike for Brother Abraham for whatever reason. He has been ex-communicated from the monastery. I found the story you added onto the end very entertaining and rather educational. I also found the Coptic socks to be educational. Very well done and greatly enjoyed.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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What a fantastic continuation chapter, Liz. I have learned a little more about Madeline or rather Brother Samuel. Abbot Richard or Brother or Prior has definitely has a dislike for Brother Abraham for whatever reason. He has been ex-communicated from the monastery. I found the story you added onto the end very entertaining and rather educational. I also found the Coptic socks to be educational. Very well done and greatly enjoyed.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your delightful review. I'm glad it tweaked your interest. What I was surprised to know was the socks were connected to the Coptic monks from so many centuries earlier than the 15th. They don't look one bit comfortable.
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You are so very welcome, Liz and I definitely agree, Coptic socks don't look comfy.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, you stopped in the middle of a story within the post! Now I'm hoping the person would be exonerated. Who knows? Any "mean" person can change. But it would make for a good parallel to match the story of Abraham. Interesting commentary about the Catholic Church and the behavior of mobs...
Suggestions:
"Is Abbot Richard intimating, we'd " (remove comma as the rest is the object of the verb)
mask that only looks like a kind façade. (close quote) as the informant is done speaking at this point.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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Oh, you stopped in the middle of a story within the post! Now I'm hoping the person would be exonerated. Who knows? Any "mean" person can change. But it would make for a good parallel to match the story of Abraham. Interesting commentary about the Catholic Church and the behavior of mobs...
Suggestions:
"Is Abbot Richard intimating, we'd " (remove comma as the rest is the object of the verb)
mask that only looks like a kind façade. (close quote) as the informant is done speaking at this point.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your kind observations in this review. I will attend to these tomorrow.
Comment from Jay Squires
'Called on the carpet'. ["C" shouldn't be capped here. I'm not too enamored of the quotes around the term. Italicizing them would probably work better (If you do, drop it down one font size lower than the rest of the text, so it will come out the same size).]
with no Abraham, to give counsel, the wearier the brothers grow. [to improve the flow here, you might consider, "without Abraham giving counsel..."]
I do my best to let them know I'm here for them, [There is nothing to show who is talking or thinking. I assume it is Abraham. You might want to italicize it as thought process.]
Deception is a cruel player in the game of life. [This, and the rest of the paragraph, is very insightful!]
plunging us into the throws of denial. [... into the throes of denial.]
My question of 'what is going on?', will soon be answered. [Liz, how does he know this?]
with a sharp double-edged dull sword. [the sword is both sharp and dull?]
What would we do, [Sub a question mark for the comma.]
There is an irony here. Since Abraham was never a baptized Roman Catholic, [I'm sorry, Liz, but who is speaking here? It's not clear. ... Okay, I got to the end of the chapter and read the author's note: "The narrator is Madeline, who has become Brother Samuel through a vortex into the 15th century." Dear Liz ... please believe me, it's not enough to offer the reader that fact only in the author's notes. The reader, from the first word in the chapter, wants nothing more than to get inside the heads of the characters and experience their motivations and actions. But by having such a key given only in the Author's notes does not give the reader a fighting chance. Dang, Liz ... You are such a good writer. You simply can't allow yourself to lose your reader the first time he becomes confused. I'm so ... so sorry, I'm coming down as hard as I am on you for this. I love Abraham and what he's doing. But I was lost throughout the entire chapter. Don't hate me. Do PLEASE consider what I'm saying. If I have any abilities as a reviewer, it's to be able to put myself in the mindset of the average reader, to find out what his or her confusion rose out of, and to offer suggestions as to a way out. Your way out is to make it crystal clear from the outset whose is the narrator's voice, and how she can be the voice of wisdom for what transpires.]
A friend (I hope) ...
Jay
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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'Called on the carpet'. ["C" shouldn't be capped here. I'm not too enamored of the quotes around the term. Italicizing them would probably work better (If you do, drop it down one font size lower than the rest of the text, so it will come out the same size).]
with no Abraham, to give counsel, the wearier the brothers grow. [to improve the flow here, you might consider, "without Abraham giving counsel..."]
I do my best to let them know I'm here for them, [There is nothing to show who is talking or thinking. I assume it is Abraham. You might want to italicize it as thought process.]
Deception is a cruel player in the game of life. [This, and the rest of the paragraph, is very insightful!]
plunging us into the throws of denial. [... into the throes of denial.]
My question of 'what is going on?', will soon be answered. [Liz, how does he know this?]
with a sharp double-edged dull sword. [the sword is both sharp and dull?]
What would we do, [Sub a question mark for the comma.]
There is an irony here. Since Abraham was never a baptized Roman Catholic, [I'm sorry, Liz, but who is speaking here? It's not clear. ... Okay, I got to the end of the chapter and read the author's note: "The narrator is Madeline, who has become Brother Samuel through a vortex into the 15th century." Dear Liz ... please believe me, it's not enough to offer the reader that fact only in the author's notes. The reader, from the first word in the chapter, wants nothing more than to get inside the heads of the characters and experience their motivations and actions. But by having such a key given only in the Author's notes does not give the reader a fighting chance. Dang, Liz ... You are such a good writer. You simply can't allow yourself to lose your reader the first time he becomes confused. I'm so ... so sorry, I'm coming down as hard as I am on you for this. I love Abraham and what he's doing. But I was lost throughout the entire chapter. Don't hate me. Do PLEASE consider what I'm saying. If I have any abilities as a reviewer, it's to be able to put myself in the mindset of the average reader, to find out what his or her confusion rose out of, and to offer suggestions as to a way out. Your way out is to make it crystal clear from the outset whose is the narrator's voice, and how she can be the voice of wisdom for what transpires.]
A friend (I hope) ...
Jay
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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Dear friend-Jay,
Once again, I thank you for your insightful observations in this heartfelt review. I have copied it all down & will work on it tomorrow.
Liz
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I hope you will let me know when you study my suggestions if you think I was being unduly critical. Because that was never my intention. I don't know why I'm concerned. You've always been so openly appreciative
of my words.
You may have had this experience, but I've spent as much as a couple of hours reviewing a post and offering suggestions, only to have the recipient totally ignore it or offer a very cold "thank you," (maintaining their compliance with Tom's rules of never making negative comments about a review). Those become my "one-time-only" reviews.
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Jay, I debated whether to get back to you. I'm glad you are reconnecting. I reworked a lot of it to make it clearer who was speaking. Your observations make a lot of sense. I opened up declaring that Madeline, now Samuel was the narrarator, without using the word narrarator. Also there was a point you broughtout about how could she know she would find something out. She couldn't u til it happened, so I reworked that business too. I think of you as a writing buddy sitting next to me nudging me about this paragraph or idea and that concept. We can't carry any writing to a higher quality without our muses and our friends. Some would say horrible things then give me a 3 or 4. You kindly gave me a 5. I value your input. It is nice to know you will be there. Liz
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Thank you, Liz. That means so much to me!
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***Warm smile***
