haiku (two lone palms)
A Contest Entry37 total reviews
Comment from Frank Malley
"Two Lone Palms" is a haiku that features a sudden and shocking turnabout that hopes to concentrate the paradox of beauty and death into its 17 syllables. The beauty of palms in a sunset is undeniable, and the ever-present reality of the death that comes to all living beauty is an always looming darkness within life. I feel that this poem's jump from beauty to oblivion is less functional than it could be; I would think that a concrete image of death (and its oblivion) would be more effective than a whack on the head that the word 'oblivion' gives. Perhaps, 'Ahead waits dark night" instead.
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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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"Two Lone Palms" is a haiku that features a sudden and shocking turnabout that hopes to concentrate the paradox of beauty and death into its 17 syllables. The beauty of palms in a sunset is undeniable, and the ever-present reality of the death that comes to all living beauty is an always looming darkness within life. I feel that this poem's jump from beauty to oblivion is less functional than it could be; I would think that a concrete image of death (and its oblivion) would be more effective than a whack on the head that the word 'oblivion' gives. Perhaps, 'Ahead waits dark night" instead.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Thank you for reading my poem and for your thoughtful review.
Comment from mermaids
Your use of words makes the two lone palms live characters. It is almost like they are sentinels, guardians of what is yet to come. There is an eerie feel to your last line "oblivion awaits". The reader can feel an oncoming storm approaching. Excellent haiku form that creates a scene of nature that stirs up emotions and feelings.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Your use of words makes the two lone palms live characters. It is almost like they are sentinels, guardians of what is yet to come. There is an eerie feel to your last line "oblivion awaits". The reader can feel an oncoming storm approaching. Excellent haiku form that creates a scene of nature that stirs up emotions and feelings.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Thank you for reading my poem and for your thoughtful review.
Comment from nomi338
Like two lone sentinels, the palm tress bear silent witness to the life that goes on around them. The humans that pass them by, rarely if ever take any notice of them at all. Such is the way of life.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Like two lone sentinels, the palm tress bear silent witness to the life that goes on around them. The humans that pass them by, rarely if ever take any notice of them at all. Such is the way of life.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Thank you for reading my poem and for your thoughtful review.
Comment from HarryT
Upon rereading the rules I find you are correct, the strict 5-7-5 is not required. Thank you for calling this to my attention. I must learn to read more carefully. As far as the poem is concerned, I'm not sure if oblivion refers to the trees or the driver of the car. Anyway, the verse leads one to think.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Upon rereading the rules I find you are correct, the strict 5-7-5 is not required. Thank you for calling this to my attention. I must learn to read more carefully. As far as the poem is concerned, I'm not sure if oblivion refers to the trees or the driver of the car. Anyway, the verse leads one to think.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Harry,
Thank you for reading my poem and for your thoughtful review. The rules do not require a strict adherence to the 5-7-5 syllable count. Please re-read the rules and if this is the only flaw you found consider changing your review.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Good choice of artwork.
-Effective nature and seasonal imagery
with the palms and "evening's glow."
-A good satori line; I can see why you chose it.
-Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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-Good choice of artwork.
-Effective nature and seasonal imagery
with the palms and "evening's glow."
-A good satori line; I can see why you chose it.
-Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Pam,
Thank you for reading my poem and for your thoughtful review.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Carolyn Dooley
Those colors are so beautiful. And what a glow. Someone snapped a lovely picture. Thank you for sharing such a delightful poem, along with the nice picture. One that fits perfectly. Have a great day.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Those colors are so beautiful. And what a glow. Someone snapped a lovely picture. Thank you for sharing such a delightful poem, along with the nice picture. One that fits perfectly. Have a great day.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Thank you for reading my poem and for your thoughtful review.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Wendy G
Beautiful image of the two palms at sunset! I sense the poem is speaking of life and death, as well as nightfall. Well written and thought-provoking.
Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Beautiful image of the two palms at sunset! I sense the poem is speaking of life and death, as well as nightfall. Well written and thought-provoking.
Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
Comment Written 06-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Wendy,
Thank you for reading my poem and for your thoughtful review.
Comment from Janice Canerdy
Your ultra-concise haiku is very expressive and thought-provoking. The nighttime setting and the two palms trees seem to be symbolic of some aspect of nature or human nature, two together at night.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Your ultra-concise haiku is very expressive and thought-provoking. The nighttime setting and the two palms trees seem to be symbolic of some aspect of nature or human nature, two together at night.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Yes! Thank you for reading my poem and for your thoughtful review.
Comment from karenina
Excellent haiku. To embrace such meaning in this oh so brief form is to know the impact of every word. While some may insist "evening" is two syllables (and the dictionary may agree)-- I, for one, say it as Eve-En-Ing and this felt right to me!
Karenina
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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Excellent haiku. To embrace such meaning in this oh so brief form is to know the impact of every word. While some may insist "evening" is two syllables (and the dictionary may agree)-- I, for one, say it as Eve-En-Ing and this felt right to me!
Karenina
Comment Written 05-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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I agree. Three syllables! Thanks for the read!
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Just ask Alfred Hitchcock! He started his television series with a most definitive three-syllable "Good Evening!"
Comment from Tina Crute
With a beautiful picture and beautiful words to present to the reader. They combine to set a mood and encourage me to soak up that glow:)
Well done!
Tina
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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With a beautiful picture and beautiful words to present to the reader. They combine to set a mood and encourage me to soak up that glow:)
Well done!
Tina
Comment Written 05-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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Tina,
Thank you for reading my poem and for your kind review!
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You're welcome. It was beautiful!
