Self-Taken
A take on survivor's guilt39 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job with your poem, Mike.
Your words were carefully chosen to show
how one reacted to the survivor's guilt. Your
words had smooth flow, the rhyme scheme
worked well, and the message was clear.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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You did a great job with your poem, Mike.
Your words were carefully chosen to show
how one reacted to the survivor's guilt. Your
words had smooth flow, the rhyme scheme
worked well, and the message was clear.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thanks so much, Jan - I'm really glad you liked it.
Mike
Comment from Anne-Marie brison
Dear Feedleflump,
Thank you so much for the opportunity to read this great piece of work. I really enjoyed reading it and the way it flowed. Best of luck with your writing. May God bless you and your family.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Dear Feedleflump,
Thank you so much for the opportunity to read this great piece of work. I really enjoyed reading it and the way it flowed. Best of luck with your writing. May God bless you and your family.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thanks so much, Anne-Marie :-). I'm really glad you liked it.
Mike
Comment from estory
I thought you did a great job with this seldom used form. Not too many use this abba rhyme scheme anymore, but done well, as you have here, it can be melodic and interesting to the ear. I think here you captured something of the rhythm of wings flapping and that is good use of form as a framework for theme. estory
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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I thought you did a great job with this seldom used form. Not too many use this abba rhyme scheme anymore, but done well, as you have here, it can be melodic and interesting to the ear. I think here you captured something of the rhythm of wings flapping and that is good use of form as a framework for theme. estory
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thank you :-). It just felt right for this piece. The first stanza came out how it wanted to, and then I tried to match that with the other.
Mike
Comment from Sanku
Your conveys strong emotions repressed and yearning to be free.Inanity,insanity,innocuous,irreverent-all words that hit hard and in the alliteration ad the assonance of the words lies hidden a kind of pain...I needed to read it thrice
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Your conveys strong emotions repressed and yearning to be free.Inanity,insanity,innocuous,irreverent-all words that hit hard and in the alliteration ad the assonance of the words lies hidden a kind of pain...I needed to read it thrice
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thank you :-). I'm really glad you liked it.
Mike
Comment from Frank Malley
Hello Mike. I'm reviewing your recognized, lovely poem "Self-Taken. I have high regard for your work, and I hope that any negative comments this review contains you will see as interested in honesty.
On FS, I encounter many poems that are developed by patterns in the spellings and sounds of words. This design feature is present in this poem, although there are other choices besides it. I identify the pairings diaphanous, vociferous; insanity, inanity;innocuous, irreverent;deliverance, indifference; threnody, tragedy. These are attractive, less-used words with captivating sonorities, and in my opinion this has made them popular as a means to elevate diction in poetry. However, I think that this has caused these very attractive words to be often seen in poems that aspire to a higher level of sound and sense. I know that I have liked and used these words; my poem, "Refrigerator Poetry," (in my portfolio) is in part about my realization that these words have become less powerful due to their popularization, similar perhaps to way in which a word used in TV commercials can lose functionality for poetry.
'Diaphanous' is so sexy a word. Meaning filmy and revealing, and having so sensual a sound, I'd bet it's used in a thousand poems a day. I loved the word when I discovered it, and I think that that same response occurred everywhere among learning, English-language focused word lovers. Such words, and others from the pairs above, have to be used sparingly.
I also feel that writing a poem that is so obviously designed around pairs of words, or trios or quartets of words, runs the risk of being read as more interested in diction that in its meaning, with the result that an experienced reader may think less of the poem.
All artists go through periods of various fascinations; I know I have done so, and still do. As a musician for all of my adult life, I've experienced being enthralled (uh-oh - one of those words!) by various compositional and stylistic designs in music, and my own development as a player and composer has been changed and developed as I came to see certain styles in rhythm and harmony over-exploited.
You're ranked much higher than I am. I think I'm older than you - I'm 72 - and while I don't think age actually makes us much wiser, it does in some cases make us more experienced (not the same thing). Be well!
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Hello Mike. I'm reviewing your recognized, lovely poem "Self-Taken. I have high regard for your work, and I hope that any negative comments this review contains you will see as interested in honesty.
On FS, I encounter many poems that are developed by patterns in the spellings and sounds of words. This design feature is present in this poem, although there are other choices besides it. I identify the pairings diaphanous, vociferous; insanity, inanity;innocuous, irreverent;deliverance, indifference; threnody, tragedy. These are attractive, less-used words with captivating sonorities, and in my opinion this has made them popular as a means to elevate diction in poetry. However, I think that this has caused these very attractive words to be often seen in poems that aspire to a higher level of sound and sense. I know that I have liked and used these words; my poem, "Refrigerator Poetry," (in my portfolio) is in part about my realization that these words have become less powerful due to their popularization, similar perhaps to way in which a word used in TV commercials can lose functionality for poetry.
'Diaphanous' is so sexy a word. Meaning filmy and revealing, and having so sensual a sound, I'd bet it's used in a thousand poems a day. I loved the word when I discovered it, and I think that that same response occurred everywhere among learning, English-language focused word lovers. Such words, and others from the pairs above, have to be used sparingly.
I also feel that writing a poem that is so obviously designed around pairs of words, or trios or quartets of words, runs the risk of being read as more interested in diction that in its meaning, with the result that an experienced reader may think less of the poem.
All artists go through periods of various fascinations; I know I have done so, and still do. As a musician for all of my adult life, I've experienced being enthralled (uh-oh - one of those words!) by various compositional and stylistic designs in music, and my own development as a player and composer has been changed and developed as I came to see certain styles in rhythm and harmony over-exploited.
You're ranked much higher than I am. I think I'm older than you - I'm 72 - and while I don't think age actually makes us much wiser, it does in some cases make us more experienced (not the same thing). Be well!
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thanks, Frank - I always appreciate it when somebody takes time to share their thoughts with me, especially in such detail. I fall in and out of love with the poet-words. Not surprisingly, I loved them when I was a teenager, desperate to prove my vocabulary and feeling the need to show I was intelligent - even if it wasn't necessarily true :-).
I totally agree some are almost parodies of themselves - diaphanous, ephemeral, enigma, tumescence etc. I go through phases of trying to avoid them, but every now and then they deserve to be indulged. I find - especially when I'm writing in iambic meter - I like to use longer words because they really accelerate rhythm (and I get very bored of sonnets packed with single syllable words where the form has become the master of the content).
With this poem, I wrote the first stanza pretty much on instinct, following the inspiration triggered by the song. When I looked at it, I wondered whether I could replicate the structure for a few more stanzas, since it had turned into an iambic 10-8-8-10 syllable structure with abba rhyme and used two four-syllable words for each of the shorter lines. That first stanza came naturally, but the rest was a mix of art and craft. I didn't quite stick to four-syllable words, because I refuse to sacrifice meaning for structure (though I'll usually look for a way), but I was pleased the syllable and rhyme scheme worked out (I find a little restriction aids creativity). As such, what was likely to be a free verse piece became a form of sorts.
I will say, I didn't use any word without meaning its meaning, and though some are chosen as much for musicality as purpose, they all have their place. Sometimes, a word plonks itself down and I just have to adapt the poem around it. Other times, the reverse is true. The best times are when they just come tumbling out of my head and it's all I can do to keep up - such as the first stanza here.
I'm happy that the meaning holds, as several reviewers I respect greatly have completely understood, so I'm happy on that level. For those who enjoy it as an interesting rhythm, I'm happy with that too - sometimes, I don't know what a poem means when I write it, so the interpretations are fascinating. This time I did, but if it takes a reader somewhere else, that's great.
When I was at university, I was accused of using cliches in one of my poems, and I replied 'what is cliche but a weapon in my arsenal?' The irony was missed at the time, but I still enjoy the sentiment.
Apologies for the ramble, and many thanks for causing me to look and think about it in depth. I'm 45, by the way :-)
Mike
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Welll-said. Thanks, Mike.
Frank
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
The depth of tragedy in this poem is outstanding. I bitterly regret that the site doesn't give me enough 6 stars... I can't do justice to your work in my rating. The writing style is also particularly fine, both in terms of the structure of the poem and the vocabulary. I am always happy when I learn a new word, and with threnody you have made my day! Kate xx
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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The depth of tragedy in this poem is outstanding. I bitterly regret that the site doesn't give me enough 6 stars... I can't do justice to your work in my rating. The writing style is also particularly fine, both in terms of the structure of the poem and the vocabulary. I am always happy when I learn a new word, and with threnody you have made my day! Kate xx
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thank you, so much Kate :-). I love threnody, and when it popped itself in here I was decidedly pleased! I'm so glad you liked it.
Mike
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
This was both hard to read and poetically beautiful. Grief, sadness, guilt, loss . . .
The structure I loved, some of the words I had to Google.
I didn't listen to the song - I couldn't. The poem spoke of a young person taking their life and a parent dealing with the aftermath of emotions - at least to me.
I think this is terribly good.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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This was both hard to read and poetically beautiful. Grief, sadness, guilt, loss . . .
The structure I loved, some of the words I had to Google.
I didn't listen to the song - I couldn't. The poem spoke of a young person taking their life and a parent dealing with the aftermath of emotions - at least to me.
I think this is terribly good.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thank you so much, Pam - you picked up exactly what I was sending. The song's just an added extra since it's what put the thoughts in my mind. I put myself in an uncomfortable place to write this, but I think that's necessary sometimes.
Mike
Comment from Pearl Edwards
This is a good one, Mike and I love the artwork. I particularly like lines 2 and 3 in each verse, great rhyming and chosen words. Guilt of any form can be quite a burden. Well done with this one,
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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This is a good one, Mike and I love the artwork. I particularly like lines 2 and 3 in each verse, great rhyming and chosen words. Guilt of any form can be quite a burden. Well done with this one,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thanks so much, Valda :-). I've been needing to get something out for the last few days - something that song inspired in my imagination - and this felt like the right time. I'm so glad you liked it.
Mike
Comment from Wendy G
What a haunting song and lyrics - many bits I could relate to (eg "being wanted became a thrill I never knew") although I didn't understand the whole of it. Same with your poem. It resonated - yet I can't even say I understand it. Such is the power of the written word, as also of music.
Well done. Part of the process is to make the reader pause, think, wonder, try to explain to himself, seek answers ....
Wendy
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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What a haunting song and lyrics - many bits I could relate to (eg "being wanted became a thrill I never knew") although I didn't understand the whole of it. Same with your poem. It resonated - yet I can't even say I understand it. Such is the power of the written word, as also of music.
Well done. Part of the process is to make the reader pause, think, wonder, try to explain to himself, seek answers ....
Wendy
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Wendy :-). That song's been fermenting something in my head recently, and this was the result. As you hint at, understanding is not all about the words, sometimes it's an inspired empathy.
Mike
Comment from jake cosmos aller
love this twisted love poem and the song and video as well. I like how it builds until the last line which nicely sums up the poem. I love the last line
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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love this twisted love poem and the song and video as well. I like how it builds until the last line which nicely sums up the poem. I love the last line
Comment Written 12-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2022
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Thanks, Jake :-). Really appreciate it,
Mike
