Paved in Joy
That path to freedom is paved in joy28 total reviews
Comment from Paul McFarland
This acrostic is quite amazing. To do this in rhyme is very difficult. This is one of the best acrostics I have ever seen. If this does not win the prize, I will be surprised.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
  |
This acrostic is quite amazing. To do this in rhyme is very difficult. This is one of the best acrostics I have ever seen. If this does not win the prize, I will be surprised.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
-
Thank you so much, Paul :-). I almost disabled this after the first two reviewers gave 4 stars (which is also why I added the explanation, against my usual instincts). I thought I'd messed it up, even though it felt right to me. I'm so glad I left it up! Thanks again - you've genuinely helped to make me day.
-
I can't believe that someone would give this four stars.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I'm not sure that you need the author's notes here, as your meaning is perfectly clear (despite a couple of words I had to look up, lol!).
Growing up, we had the saying, "Money can't buy happiness." I look around and see so many wealthy people whose lives seem miserable and aimless; yet, you hear laughter and see smiles among those who have little. "Violas to the violins of hurt."
These is brilliant, made even better by the fact that each line was dictated by a specific letter for this acrostic poem. One of the best things I've read in days.
Good luck with the contest - you have a very good entry here.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
|
I'm not sure that you need the author's notes here, as your meaning is perfectly clear (despite a couple of words I had to look up, lol!).
Growing up, we had the saying, "Money can't buy happiness." I look around and see so many wealthy people whose lives seem miserable and aimless; yet, you hear laughter and see smiles among those who have little. "Violas to the violins of hurt."
These is brilliant, made even better by the fact that each line was dictated by a specific letter for this acrostic poem. One of the best things I've read in days.
Good luck with the contest - you have a very good entry here.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
-
Thanks so much, Pam. I really appreciate it :-). I'd never normally post notes - I prefer to let readers interpret the meaning however they wish - but I had two critical early reviews that scared me (when your first two ratings are 4s, it puts the willies up you!) so I reluctantly added the explanation.
You've made my day with this response. I was really pleased with this when I posted it, and that initial response almost had me taking it down because I thought I was missing something!
-
Sometimes you have to read it slowly and out loud and give it some thought:-). You probably did the right thing - good luck.
Comment from jake cosmos aller
Great poem for this contest. I am awed and wonder if I should submit something. Acrostic poems are fun, but adding in a rhyming scheme well I don't do rhyming poetry very well. Oh well, I will probably come up with something.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
 |
Great poem for this contest. I am awed and wonder if I should submit something. Acrostic poems are fun, but adding in a rhyming scheme well I don't do rhyming poetry very well. Oh well, I will probably come up with something.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, Jake :-). I enjoy a certain amount of restriction, although this was admittedly a little difficult.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is an interesting poem. I think you did a good job with the acrostic format. I think my favorite lines are: Despite this doom, a fundamental truth
Of humans and their spirits is at hand;
Myopic dreams protect us from the proof
and also:
Violas to the violins of hurt.
That last line made me think that there is a support system around us as if it were as carefully organized as a symphony orchestra. The only suggestion I have is maybe another word for 'soaking' in the last line, although I think the liquid references are interesting throughout like sweat, bubbles, baths, and even gruel. Maybe 'flowing deep inside' would be slightly stronger.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
|
This is an interesting poem. I think you did a good job with the acrostic format. I think my favorite lines are: Despite this doom, a fundamental truth
Of humans and their spirits is at hand;
Myopic dreams protect us from the proof
and also:
Violas to the violins of hurt.
That last line made me think that there is a support system around us as if it were as carefully organized as a symphony orchestra. The only suggestion I have is maybe another word for 'soaking' in the last line, although I think the liquid references are interesting throughout like sweat, bubbles, baths, and even gruel. Maybe 'flowing deep inside' would be slightly stronger.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
-
Thankbyou so much :-). I started out with a couple of 4 star reviews and was worried I'd really dropped the ball with this one (even though I was happy with it) so you've made my morning. You've also picked up on the one word I wasn't 100% sure about, so many thanks. I'll be reworking that line.
Mike
Comment from Wendy G
Your acrostic is well-formed and meaningful, with a relevant theme and highlighting the disparity between rich and poor, in both attitudes and outcomes. Bets wishes for your entry.
Wendy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
|
Your acrostic is well-formed and meaningful, with a relevant theme and highlighting the disparity between rich and poor, in both attitudes and outcomes. Bets wishes for your entry.
Wendy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, Wendy. I'm so glad you liked it :-)
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I like the idea of being soaking in the joy of freedom as it is so precious and your acrostic is positive and vibrant and we all have the power to be this happy in a free society, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
|
I like the idea of being soaking in the joy of freedom as it is so precious and your acrostic is positive and vibrant and we all have the power to be this happy in a free society, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 25-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2022
-
Thank you so much, Dolly :-). A lot of my work comes out dark so it felt good to write something more upbeat!
Comment from royowen
I wondered why, seeing it was an acrostic poem, and it was hard to follow it, although the rhyming poetic part was great, why it wasn't a complete stanza, "That path, tofr ee domi, spav edin joy, some words make sense, but not all, well done, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2022
 |
I wondered why, seeing it was an acrostic poem, and it was hard to follow it, although the rhyming poetic part was great, why it wasn't a complete stanza, "That path, tofr ee domi, spav edin joy, some words make sense, but not all, well done, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 25-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2022
-
Damn, I was really pleased with that one. Obviously without foundation.
-
It's a double sonnet, so I've spaced the stanzas according to the form rather than the words, which I've spelled out in the description line at the top.
This is about how the workers/poor don't get to enjoy the things they create for the rich (the gods), and seem stuck to their predetermined paths. Those gods, whilst needing the poor, still look down upon them with scorn.
And yet, despite all the reasons for bitterness, there is joy to be found in every walk and class of life. That joy negates the hate that some seem to feed on (gruel) and shows us the path to personal 'freedom' (ie enjoying life) is to do what makes one happy.
Many thanks for your time, Roy, and I'm sorry this one didn't work for you as I'd hoped.
-
Thanks for the explanation,
-
It?s good
Comment from pome lover
Who is watching with scorn? who is curtailing whose freedom? Whose hate are you referring to? and who isn't emancipated?
"The path to freedom is paved in joy" doesn't seem to jive with the above.
Sorry, but It sounds like opposing factions to me.
Would you care to explain? I am trying to understand your meaning.
Thanking you in advance, if you do.
Katharine
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2022
|
Who is watching with scorn? who is curtailing whose freedom? Whose hate are you referring to? and who isn't emancipated?
"The path to freedom is paved in joy" doesn't seem to jive with the above.
Sorry, but It sounds like opposing factions to me.
Would you care to explain? I am trying to understand your meaning.
Thanking you in advance, if you do.
Katharine
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2022
-
Damn, I was really pleased with that one. Obviously without foundation.
-
This is about how the workers/poor don't get to enjoy the things they create for the rich (the 'gods'), and seem stuck to their predetermined paths. Those 'gods', whilst needing the poor, still look down upon them with scorn. Even without intent, the economic roles society creates are a constriction on freedom. Even though poor people may be free, they are not emancipated as they are still viewed as 'lower.'
And yet, despite all the reasons for bitterness, there is joy to be found in every walk and class of life. That joy negates the hate that some seem to feed on (gruel) and shows us the path to personal 'freedom' (ie enjoying life) is to do what makes one happy.
Many thanks for your time, Katharine, and I'm sorry this one didn't work for you as I'd hoped.
-
Gods. You mean employers. Its just that people I know who hire people to work for them, like them and form friendships with them if they're regular. Or, if not friends, they have a good rapport. But your enjoying life theme is a good one even if people are mistreated. admirable.
-
no, I just didn't get your meaning. I'm sure others did. I have people not get mine, sometimes.
