Without Purpose-Without Time
Coping32 total reviews
Comment from royowen
There's a lot of great philosophical thinking in this great little piece John I'm impressed by you forthrightness in this narrative, behind this work is an honest, thinking man, and that always impresses me, not that my opinion is important, but it encourages, blessings John, Roy
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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There's a lot of great philosophical thinking in this great little piece John I'm impressed by you forthrightness in this narrative, behind this work is an honest, thinking man, and that always impresses me, not that my opinion is important, but it encourages, blessings John, Roy
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Your opinion is always important my friend as you are one of my favorites. Thank you so much for the SIX and the kind words.
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Well deserved John, bless you
Comment from Fleedleflump
I enjoyed the style of this - like a series of tiny short fictions, starting with Johnny's, and then the various others he observes and wonders about. The stark ending brings us full circle so we know what the opening section was about. I very much enjoyed the read.
Mike
Spag Notes
'I stared at a space in the room as terrifying scenario's paraded along my mind's path' - 'scenarios' shouldn't have an apostrophe
'rested my elbows on my knees."It's hanging' - needs a space after 'knees.'
'"Glenda, it's Johnny, your son, Ben said quietly, maintaining a professional tone."' - speech marks should end before 'Ben'
'She touched his face and left with no apparent goodbyes'' - shouldn't be an apostrophe here.
'An ariel view appeared on the screen' - might be a US/UK spelling thing, but I would spell it 'aerial'
'California is gone folks.' - needs a comma after 'gone'
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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I enjoyed the style of this - like a series of tiny short fictions, starting with Johnny's, and then the various others he observes and wonders about. The stark ending brings us full circle so we know what the opening section was about. I very much enjoyed the read.
Mike
Spag Notes
'I stared at a space in the room as terrifying scenario's paraded along my mind's path' - 'scenarios' shouldn't have an apostrophe
'rested my elbows on my knees."It's hanging' - needs a space after 'knees.'
'"Glenda, it's Johnny, your son, Ben said quietly, maintaining a professional tone."' - speech marks should end before 'Ben'
'She touched his face and left with no apparent goodbyes'' - shouldn't be an apostrophe here.
'An ariel view appeared on the screen' - might be a US/UK spelling thing, but I would spell it 'aerial'
'California is gone folks.' - needs a comma after 'gone'
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Mike! I'm happy you enjoyed it and I will make those changes. You are always helpful, my friend
Comment from Nic
Thank you for this. It's got sort of a "don't look up" vibe to it. I didn't find the other characters underdeveloped at all. I think given how short this piece is, keeping a tight focus on the POV character is a smart move. You give a trait or defining feature to each of the other named characters and that's plenty for the reader to fill in the blanks. Super minor (but since this is in a competition) you've got ending quotation mark in the wrong spot in one of Ben's spoken lines: "Glenda, it's Johnny, your son," Ben said. . .
Cool story!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you for this. It's got sort of a "don't look up" vibe to it. I didn't find the other characters underdeveloped at all. I think given how short this piece is, keeping a tight focus on the POV character is a smart move. You give a trait or defining feature to each of the other named characters and that's plenty for the reader to fill in the blanks. Super minor (but since this is in a competition) you've got ending quotation mark in the wrong spot in one of Ben's spoken lines: "Glenda, it's Johnny, your son," Ben said. . .
Cool story!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you for the great review, Nic. I'm happy to hear you say you thought the characters had a bit more development.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I would stay your plan to use the other characters as pawns was a good one. It worked. Good luck with the contest.
"Glenda, it's Johnny, your son, Ben said quietly, maintaining a professional tone." (quotation marks after 'son' and omit the ones after 'tone')
Cindy bower descended her porch stairs, (Bower?)
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I would stay your plan to use the other characters as pawns was a good one. It worked. Good luck with the contest.
"Glenda, it's Johnny, your son, Ben said quietly, maintaining a professional tone." (quotation marks after 'son' and omit the ones after 'tone')
Cindy bower descended her porch stairs, (Bower?)
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Barbara, for the great review! it is much appreciated.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Geez, John, I thought I wrote sad stories! I kinda knew where this was going when Braden Miller started checking the skies, but it was still a jolt to read the ending. I think the most depressing thing about it is that it could happen tomorrow.
You've written a complete story with so many characters trying to cope with reality, and one who has lost sight of reality which is probably the best thing. You tease us with the first paragraph - something has happened, but what. You needed to hear your father's voice - "BUT". The introduction of several characters that Johnny is observing in some way gives this dystopian tale a reason to care about what will happen not just to Johnny, but to his neighbors and those on the West Coast.
I just wish I had a six to give you. I owe you one!
Are the rap lyrics from a real song, or did you write them? Til silent go da beat was another subtle clue that the world was in for a big hurt.
Well, done, John. A couple things you might want to look at:
1st para. - scenario's - not possessive, so should be scenarios
2nd - 9:00 a.m. is the most accepted way of writing time
Jensen/Cindy para. - goodbyes' also not possessive
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Geez, John, I thought I wrote sad stories! I kinda knew where this was going when Braden Miller started checking the skies, but it was still a jolt to read the ending. I think the most depressing thing about it is that it could happen tomorrow.
You've written a complete story with so many characters trying to cope with reality, and one who has lost sight of reality which is probably the best thing. You tease us with the first paragraph - something has happened, but what. You needed to hear your father's voice - "BUT". The introduction of several characters that Johnny is observing in some way gives this dystopian tale a reason to care about what will happen not just to Johnny, but to his neighbors and those on the West Coast.
I just wish I had a six to give you. I owe you one!
Are the rap lyrics from a real song, or did you write them? Til silent go da beat was another subtle clue that the world was in for a big hurt.
Well, done, John. A couple things you might want to look at:
1st para. - scenario's - not possessive, so should be scenarios
2nd - 9:00 a.m. is the most accepted way of writing time
Jensen/Cindy para. - goodbyes' also not possessive
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Pam for the great review and the honorable mention for the SIX. I'm happy you enjoyed it! Thank you for the critiques too.
Comment from estory
I thought this post had lots of detail and specifics in the writing, nicely imagine, and well constructed, with a well developed sense of style. This was also well polished. A super job. There were those poignant moments in it early on, when we get those personal connections between mother and son, that emotion came through loud and clear in his trying to connect and keep connected with a mother that is fading away. And then the shock value of the ending was first rate. With no warning, the west coast gets destroyed in a missile strike. The news voice relating the news here was abrupt and business like, and dropped on us like a bomb. estory
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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I thought this post had lots of detail and specifics in the writing, nicely imagine, and well constructed, with a well developed sense of style. This was also well polished. A super job. There were those poignant moments in it early on, when we get those personal connections between mother and son, that emotion came through loud and clear in his trying to connect and keep connected with a mother that is fading away. And then the shock value of the ending was first rate. With no warning, the west coast gets destroyed in a missile strike. The news voice relating the news here was abrupt and business like, and dropped on us like a bomb. estory
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you, estory, for the great review and the six stars. I'm happy you read and enjoyed it! Best, JohnC.
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
This is a well-written story. I wasn't sure until late in the text what had happened in the world. However, from your foreshadowing tips, I knew it wasn't good. I like the diverse characters you have in the story, but most of them are left flat. The main character is developed more, but a few more descriptors for him would also be good. The visual fits okay. This text could easily be developed into a longer story or even a book. You have a great foundation for that to happen. Suggestions: Cindy Bower's last name need a capital letter. The font size could be larger for my old eyes, others may find it adequate.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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This is a well-written story. I wasn't sure until late in the text what had happened in the world. However, from your foreshadowing tips, I knew it wasn't good. I like the diverse characters you have in the story, but most of them are left flat. The main character is developed more, but a few more descriptors for him would also be good. The visual fits okay. This text could easily be developed into a longer story or even a book. You have a great foundation for that to happen. Suggestions: Cindy Bower's last name need a capital letter. The font size could be larger for my old eyes, others may find it adequate.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you for the review, Sandra! I would refer you to the notes on character development in this piece. I will look at that font again. My old eyes aren't what they used to be either, lol. Thank you for reading
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Oops, John, I read them and promptly went about reviewing as if I had not. Old age is a female dog...woof, woof. LOL I liked your story.
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Lol, Np, Sandra, thank you for reading.
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LOL
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, Without Purpose - Without Time, creeps delicately through the scene as Johnny reacts to the news that the world as we know it has changed and may be at an end. Your horizontal scroll through life's former issues: a mom with Alzheimer's, neighbors who probably hadn't talked to each other before. I think you paint that myopic picture of life coming to as close to the end at it's ever been.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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This story, Without Purpose - Without Time, creeps delicately through the scene as Johnny reacts to the news that the world as we know it has changed and may be at an end. Your horizontal scroll through life's former issues: a mom with Alzheimer's, neighbors who probably hadn't talked to each other before. I think you paint that myopic picture of life coming to as close to the end at it's ever been.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Bill, for the great review. I appreciate your reading and your words.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This story intrigued me, especially in view of the contest description/ I was particularly attracted to the fact that the narrater wanted to hear his father's voice in his time of trial, but his father had obviously died some time previously. Kate xx
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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This story intrigued me, especially in view of the contest description/ I was particularly attracted to the fact that the narrater wanted to hear his father's voice in his time of trial, but his father had obviously died some time previously. Kate xx
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Kate, for the great review. I'm happy it interested you and you enjoyed the read.
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
Well told narrative of a seemingly otherwise normal day in the lives of a grief-stricken family, turned to a horrific possibility.
Several observations:
Para 2, 3rd sentence: SUGGEST (9 am) or (nine-a.m.) instead of (nine a.m.)
Para 6, 1st sentence: Need space between (knees.) and ("It's) spacing
Para 17, 1st sentence: Remove two spaces before (I moved)
Para 18, 1st sentence: Remove one space before (I switched)
Para 19, 6th sentence (goodbyes'.) should be (goodbyes.) no apostrophe
Lyrics, 2nd line: (satan's) should be (Satan's) capitalization
1st Para, 1st sentence after lyrics: Remove one space before (I)
1st Para, 4th sentence after lyrics: (window pane) should be (windowpane)
1st Para, 5th sentence after lyrics: (da beat"') should be (da beat") double quotes
3rd Para, 4th sentence after lyrics: Add comma after (folks)
Let's continue to hope and pray it never comes to this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Well told narrative of a seemingly otherwise normal day in the lives of a grief-stricken family, turned to a horrific possibility.
Several observations:
Para 2, 3rd sentence: SUGGEST (9 am) or (nine-a.m.) instead of (nine a.m.)
Para 6, 1st sentence: Need space between (knees.) and ("It's) spacing
Para 17, 1st sentence: Remove two spaces before (I moved)
Para 18, 1st sentence: Remove one space before (I switched)
Para 19, 6th sentence (goodbyes'.) should be (goodbyes.) no apostrophe
Lyrics, 2nd line: (satan's) should be (Satan's) capitalization
1st Para, 1st sentence after lyrics: Remove one space before (I)
1st Para, 4th sentence after lyrics: (window pane) should be (windowpane)
1st Para, 5th sentence after lyrics: (da beat"') should be (da beat") double quotes
3rd Para, 4th sentence after lyrics: Add comma after (folks)
Let's continue to hope and pray it never comes to this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2022
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Thank you for the review. Helpful.
