Blended Reality
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "A Summer Storm in the Blue Ridge"A collection of stories: Some True, some not
26 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Wow!! This was breathtaking! Such an exciting write that I felt as if I were there, too! You used all your senses to describe what it was like before, during and after this tremendous, memorable storm. Very well done!!
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2022
  |
Wow!! This was breathtaking! Such an exciting write that I felt as if I were there, too! You used all your senses to describe what it was like before, during and after this tremendous, memorable storm. Very well done!!
Comment Written 29-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2022
-
Thank you Rachelle, I am pleased you enjoyed the story.
Comment from evilynne
This is an interesting well written account of the ravages of nature. It paints a rather frightening picture of the storm. Best of luck in the contest. Evi
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2022
|
This is an interesting well written account of the ravages of nature. It paints a rather frightening picture of the storm. Best of luck in the contest. Evi
Comment Written 25-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2022
-
Thank you for affirming my writing and good wishes.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Your choice of words and vivid descriptions made it easy to visualize the approaching storm, with windless humidity and dark clouds. This story is rich with details and gives the reader a feeling of urgency. Well done. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2022
|
Your choice of words and vivid descriptions made it easy to visualize the approaching storm, with windless humidity and dark clouds. This story is rich with details and gives the reader a feeling of urgency. Well done. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2022
-
LJ Thank you for your kind comments.
Comment from Ric Myworld
As an old Kentucky farm boy you had my attention immediately, and then came the storm. LOL. I never lived up in the mountains, but that sure is beautiful country all around where you're talking about. Thanks for sharing. Wish I had a six.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
|
As an old Kentucky farm boy you had my attention immediately, and then came the storm. LOL. I never lived up in the mountains, but that sure is beautiful country all around where you're talking about. Thanks for sharing. Wish I had a six.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
-
Ric thanks much - 'ol Blue Grass man!
Comment from Malcolm Rothery
Considering the short time given for this competition this is a good attempt. It needs a critical rewrite to iron out all the creases, but there is a really good tale hiding in there.
Some of it reads a bit clunky and there is too much use of unnecessary adjectives. eg, 'black, thick, menacing clouds' should just be 'menacing clouds'. Being black or thick adds nothing while 'menacing' adds atmosphere.
But overall, a good read,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
 |
Considering the short time given for this competition this is a good attempt. It needs a critical rewrite to iron out all the creases, but there is a really good tale hiding in there.
Some of it reads a bit clunky and there is too much use of unnecessary adjectives. eg, 'black, thick, menacing clouds' should just be 'menacing clouds'. Being black or thick adds nothing while 'menacing' adds atmosphere.
But overall, a good read,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
-
Malcolm, thank you as you can tell by my profile, I am not a writer. Just had to try my hand at this.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Friend,
It's a MARVELOUS piece of General Fiction meeting the desired norms, having lucid as well as PERFECTLY matching the theme phraseology with lovely imagery, CAPTIVATING flow throughout from the very beginning up to the end.
LIVE description of scenes and situations with a worth following warning in the end.
Picture enhances depth and gravity/beauty of the story.
Superb!
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
 |
Hello Friend,
It's a MARVELOUS piece of General Fiction meeting the desired norms, having lucid as well as PERFECTLY matching the theme phraseology with lovely imagery, CAPTIVATING flow throughout from the very beginning up to the end.
LIVE description of scenes and situations with a worth following warning in the end.
Picture enhances depth and gravity/beauty of the story.
Superb!
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
-
RP, Wow! Thank you so much. I am not a writer of prose! So to get your validation is special.
-
Hi Friend, Most Welcome!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from GWHARGIS
We call those kinds of storms a gale or a squal here on the Outer banks of North Carolina. Lol. But I understood your terror and the feeling of being between a rock and a hard place. Your descriptive phrases were very good and expressive. There was one spot near the beginning where you use 2 country sayings back to back. That was the only part of your story I had a problem with. Good job and good direction with the prompt.
Gretchen
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
|
We call those kinds of storms a gale or a squal here on the Outer banks of North Carolina. Lol. But I understood your terror and the feeling of being between a rock and a hard place. Your descriptive phrases were very good and expressive. There was one spot near the beginning where you use 2 country sayings back to back. That was the only part of your story I had a problem with. Good job and good direction with the prompt.
Gretchen
Comment Written 23-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
-
Thanks, Gretchen, I seldom write prose-like material, and I do not profess to have a story writer acumen. Free verses poetry is my domain, but I dipped my toes in the river of life and let the waters carry the words to the surface on this little tale, be well through hurricane season!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your contest entry was well written, Mystery Author. I loved
the perfect picture. Your story was riveting and put the readers
right there in the midst of the storm. Your words/lines read
smoothly and were filled with great details.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest, Jan
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
|
Your contest entry was well written, Mystery Author. I loved
the perfect picture. Your story was riveting and put the readers
right there in the midst of the storm. Your words/lines read
smoothly and were filled with great details.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes in the contest, Jan
Comment Written 23-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2022
-
Thank you.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Your attention to detail and description drew me in, so I felt like I was right there with you. I think the writing could use a little tightening up, it seems there are a few places where you say the same thing or make the same point more than once. The following are some examples of my point:
"Nonetheless, I began working along the fence line, sweating like a stuck pig being readied for a bar-b-que." This is a faulty simile. Does a stuck pig really sweat being readied for bar-b-que? Does a stuck pig sweat at all? It could be easily fixed...just add something like; the sweat running down my back and over my arms and legs like the juices from a stuck pig being readied for bar-b-que,
"Then suddenly, that clear blue sky darkened. Angry, grey billowing clouds started roiling over the nearby Blue Ridge hilltops coming my way, and these warning signs were suddenly being pushed by winds that came out of nowhere." You don't need the word then, just say something like: Suddenly, the clear blue sky darkened with angry, grey clouds, pushed by a wind that churned up out of nothing, rolling over the nearby Blue ridge hilltops and heading straight for me.
"Then the wind stopped just as I reached the top of the knoll. Not a lick of wind was tickling my sweat-soaked shirt. Dead stillness. Looking skyward, I felt like I could touch the black, thick, menacing clouds. As I looked back and scanned the horizon, there was not a bird or one whit of the sun to be seen. Then it hit! The first bolt of lightning striking was so near I could hear the sizzle from the strike on a treetop over my left shoulder. Then another and another danced with bolts highly charged, very nearby, and the after booms vibrated the hair on my arm." This whole paragraph could be cut down to read faster. Describe how the wind stopped just as you reached the top of the knoll, don't say it. And describe the dead stillness, don't say it. Something like; Just as I hit the top of the knoll, I ran straight into dead stillness. Not a lick of wind tickled by sweat soaked shirt, but the menacing sky looked close enough to touch. The first bolt of lightning struck so close, I could hear the sizzle in a nearby tree top...
"It was, to my surprise, a quarter past five. Three hours have passed." Tense is wrong. Three hours had passed.
Despite some wordiness you did well describing the power and feel of the storm, gave your warning at the end teeth and using a personal experience to tell the reader that you definitely know whereof you speak was a good idea.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
|
Your attention to detail and description drew me in, so I felt like I was right there with you. I think the writing could use a little tightening up, it seems there are a few places where you say the same thing or make the same point more than once. The following are some examples of my point:
"Nonetheless, I began working along the fence line, sweating like a stuck pig being readied for a bar-b-que." This is a faulty simile. Does a stuck pig really sweat being readied for bar-b-que? Does a stuck pig sweat at all? It could be easily fixed...just add something like; the sweat running down my back and over my arms and legs like the juices from a stuck pig being readied for bar-b-que,
"Then suddenly, that clear blue sky darkened. Angry, grey billowing clouds started roiling over the nearby Blue Ridge hilltops coming my way, and these warning signs were suddenly being pushed by winds that came out of nowhere." You don't need the word then, just say something like: Suddenly, the clear blue sky darkened with angry, grey clouds, pushed by a wind that churned up out of nothing, rolling over the nearby Blue ridge hilltops and heading straight for me.
"Then the wind stopped just as I reached the top of the knoll. Not a lick of wind was tickling my sweat-soaked shirt. Dead stillness. Looking skyward, I felt like I could touch the black, thick, menacing clouds. As I looked back and scanned the horizon, there was not a bird or one whit of the sun to be seen. Then it hit! The first bolt of lightning striking was so near I could hear the sizzle from the strike on a treetop over my left shoulder. Then another and another danced with bolts highly charged, very nearby, and the after booms vibrated the hair on my arm." This whole paragraph could be cut down to read faster. Describe how the wind stopped just as you reached the top of the knoll, don't say it. And describe the dead stillness, don't say it. Something like; Just as I hit the top of the knoll, I ran straight into dead stillness. Not a lick of wind tickled by sweat soaked shirt, but the menacing sky looked close enough to touch. The first bolt of lightning struck so close, I could hear the sizzle in a nearby tree top...
"It was, to my surprise, a quarter past five. Three hours have passed." Tense is wrong. Three hours had passed.
Despite some wordiness you did well describing the power and feel of the storm, gave your warning at the end teeth and using a personal experience to tell the reader that you definitely know whereof you speak was a good idea.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
-
Olivanne, I am profoundly grateful for your advice.I seldom write prose. However, I dipped my toe in the River of life and let the words surface. Thank you so ugh for your guidance.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this writing prompt with us. Your descriptions were excellent. I could see, feel, hear, and smell the storm coming. That's good writing. I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
|
Thank you for sharing this writing prompt with us. Your descriptions were excellent. I could see, feel, hear, and smell the storm coming. That's good writing. I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2022
-
Thank you Barbara.
