Flashpoint
A storm and its consequences.7 total reviews
Comment from Wendy G
Excellent story - well thought through and developed. The approach of the storm is well described, as is the storm of their relationship, and you built up to the sad climax very well as the reader was engaged with the bike-rider's thoughts, fears and reflections during the storm. The inclusion of the Aboriginal culture and their insights was well-linked, with the female rider's desire to visit the Aboriginal Art Centre, and listen and respond to Namarrkon's warnings and prompts. Congratulations.
Wendy
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Excellent story - well thought through and developed. The approach of the storm is well described, as is the storm of their relationship, and you built up to the sad climax very well as the reader was engaged with the bike-rider's thoughts, fears and reflections during the storm. The inclusion of the Aboriginal culture and their insights was well-linked, with the female rider's desire to visit the Aboriginal Art Centre, and listen and respond to Namarrkon's warnings and prompts. Congratulations.
Wendy
Comment Written 26-Aug-2022
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well written. Good work.
Well, I guess a storm truly 'was' approaching.
Sounds like he needed gettin' shut of anyway. Yay storm!
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
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Well written. Good work.
Well, I guess a storm truly 'was' approaching.
Sounds like he needed gettin' shut of anyway. Yay storm!
Best wishes and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2022
Comment from RodG
A very well-told story that warrants six stars because (1) of the exceptional characterization of both Sharon and Tony, (2) the build-up of tension between them AND the approaching storm, (3) the description used to PUT US THERE in that remote Australian landscape both before and during the storm, (4) your excellent use of dialog and (5) the use of Aboriginal mythology to enhance your theme. This entry is a winner! Rod
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A very well-told story that warrants six stars because (1) of the exceptional characterization of both Sharon and Tony, (2) the build-up of tension between them AND the approaching storm, (3) the description used to PUT US THERE in that remote Australian landscape both before and during the storm, (4) your excellent use of dialog and (5) the use of Aboriginal mythology to enhance your theme. This entry is a winner! Rod
Comment Written 22-Aug-2022
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
you did a good job with this piece. I'm so glad you didn't wimp out of a satisfying ending by going all happy-clappy.
he was as changeable as the weather. - try to avoid cliched sayings.
There's an occasional reliance on adverbs and a spot or two when a couple come in quick succession. best to avoid this as it makes them stick out and can signal a weakness in verb choice.
All the best
GMG
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Hi there,
you did a good job with this piece. I'm so glad you didn't wimp out of a satisfying ending by going all happy-clappy.
he was as changeable as the weather. - try to avoid cliched sayings.
There's an occasional reliance on adverbs and a spot or two when a couple come in quick succession. best to avoid this as it makes them stick out and can signal a weakness in verb choice.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 22-Aug-2022
Comment from PENofFIRE
Well written. It certainly kept my attention. I actually got caught up in the story and felt the power of the storm and Sharon's sense of fear regarding her decision. I loved the way you ended your story, "He was. And now I am."
It was a great ending, however there should not be a period after "He was."
I believe it should read, "He was, and now I am." Or "He was. Now I am."
That being said, The story is a real winner. Good luck in the contest.
Pen of Fire
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Well written. It certainly kept my attention. I actually got caught up in the story and felt the power of the storm and Sharon's sense of fear regarding her decision. I loved the way you ended your story, "He was. And now I am."
It was a great ending, however there should not be a period after "He was."
I believe it should read, "He was, and now I am." Or "He was. Now I am."
That being said, The story is a real winner. Good luck in the contest.
Pen of Fire
Comment Written 22-Aug-2022
Comment from Thomas Blanks
Flashpoint was a story that used foreshadowing to let us know something bad would happen. Between the mention of the Aboriginal god hurling lightning bolts and the photo posted with the story, we knew Tony was toast as soon as he took off alone. The tale reminded me of when I was in a townhouse in Alabama during a lightning storm. Lightning came down the chimney, went out of the fireplace, and out through the open sliding glass door. I was standing in the room about five feet from the bolt as it arced through it and went harmlessly back outside. It was interesting.
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Flashpoint was a story that used foreshadowing to let us know something bad would happen. Between the mention of the Aboriginal god hurling lightning bolts and the photo posted with the story, we knew Tony was toast as soon as he took off alone. The tale reminded me of when I was in a townhouse in Alabama during a lightning storm. Lightning came down the chimney, went out of the fireplace, and out through the open sliding glass door. I was standing in the room about five feet from the bolt as it arced through it and went harmlessly back outside. It was interesting.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2022
Comment from BermyBye50
A spectacular write capturing perfectly the powerful threat and emotional turmoil experienced if the face of the approaching uncertainty of storms.
Your imagination and creativity soars throughout each paragraph. The reader is kept on the edge of his seat by the urgency reflected in the brief but intense dialogue.
All the best in the Storm Approaches contest,
Eugene
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A spectacular write capturing perfectly the powerful threat and emotional turmoil experienced if the face of the approaching uncertainty of storms.
Your imagination and creativity soars throughout each paragraph. The reader is kept on the edge of his seat by the urgency reflected in the brief but intense dialogue.
All the best in the Storm Approaches contest,
Eugene
Comment Written 22-Aug-2022
