Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Shattered Illusion"A sci-fi thriller!
3 total reviews
Comment from Dr. Von
Thank you for writing an interesting and engaging storyline. This is worth the read. The writing is emotionally intelligent and captivating. I like the intensity of your word choices. They steer the reader to eagerly look forward to the next chapter. Well done you. Thank you for your gift,
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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Thank you for writing an interesting and engaging storyline. This is worth the read. The writing is emotionally intelligent and captivating. I like the intensity of your word choices. They steer the reader to eagerly look forward to the next chapter. Well done you. Thank you for your gift,
Comment Written 19-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2022
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Thank you, SIr! You are one of my favorites and I appreciate you!
Comment from Faith Williams
Definitely interesting. I want to keep reading. At one point you say Number Seven when I think you mean Number Eight--it's the shower scene with the two of them. 'Number Seven takes her in the shower.'
Also, the paragraph that starts, 'Once they had their fruity drinks, they sat down next to Number One and a woman that he didn't recognize.' I believe that should be Number Two.
Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2022
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Definitely interesting. I want to keep reading. At one point you say Number Seven when I think you mean Number Eight--it's the shower scene with the two of them. 'Number Seven takes her in the shower.'
Also, the paragraph that starts, 'Once they had their fruity drinks, they sat down next to Number One and a woman that he didn't recognize.' I believe that should be Number Two.
Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2022
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Awesome! Good catches Faith.
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
You have the makings of a great story, but in order to have it read by many, you will have to have more, shorter chapters. This took a long time to go through. And remember, people are writing reviews for "pay," so they'll move on to shorter pieces. I am very intrigued by this, but think it may be drawn out a little too much. I know you have to set the mood and scene for the repetitive world, but be cautious about making peoples' eyes glaze over -- keep the action moving. I would suggest that you enhance the first mirror image reading of the marks. If Number Eight had no memory, he wouldn't recognize any of it as a name. Save that for the day after he stops drinking. (Good thing he has apples in this Edenic garden.) I have added notes about typos and grammatical things, etc. I'm not liking these aliens!
Sue
dressed in their brown work shirt ==> their . . . shirts
"I'm going on vacation." Number One said, rubbing the small bulge in her stomach.
"When?" Number Eight asked, knowing that when their female partners became pregnant, they went away for awhile. -- missing paragraph break
This time when they passed the command module, the overseers seemed more ominous to him. -- no clear antecedent for "him" -- suggest Number Eight here
About an hour later, he felt someone shaking him, "Are you okay, do you need an overseer?"
It was Number Five, staring at him with her intense blue eyes, her red hair -- missing paragraph break
Number Eight waved it off, noticing that it flew straight into a spider web hanging between two branches, where it began to struggle. A long-legged black spider began traversing from the top of the web towards the unfortunate fly. -- nice metaphor for coming discoveries
She pulled away from him, causing Number Eight to grab her around the waste and kiss her even harder. -- homonym grenade ==> waist
When he didn't role over, Number Seven did and opened her legs -- homonym grenade ==> roll
The woman would load them into the larger burlap sacks ==> women
Number Eight went to the furthest corner ==> farthest (physical distance)
Maybe he should just start drinking breakfast again? -- not a question; suggest beginning sentence with "Should he"
"Are we going to make love again?" she asked, and started to lay back on the bed. ==> lie back on the bed; missing paragraph break
he saw Number Six standing there with his arm around Number Five's waste. ==> waist
"It's okay." he hugged her close, "Tomorrow you will drink your breakfast, and after your eyes glaze over, you will remember none of this conversation." -- there is a slight glitch here in that she remembered why she had not followed his previous instructions -- either the drink erases past memories and current ones, or only past ones.
Once they had their fruity drinks, they sat down next to Number One and a woman that he didn't recognize. She was a short petite blond with light blue eyes, but she was not Number One. -- I believe they would have sat next to Number Two
Number Seven was out. She was content to be a mind-numbing zombie. ==> mind-numbed
because you are not Number Two." the petite blond ==> The; and blonde
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2022
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Douglas,
You have the makings of a great story, but in order to have it read by many, you will have to have more, shorter chapters. This took a long time to go through. And remember, people are writing reviews for "pay," so they'll move on to shorter pieces. I am very intrigued by this, but think it may be drawn out a little too much. I know you have to set the mood and scene for the repetitive world, but be cautious about making peoples' eyes glaze over -- keep the action moving. I would suggest that you enhance the first mirror image reading of the marks. If Number Eight had no memory, he wouldn't recognize any of it as a name. Save that for the day after he stops drinking. (Good thing he has apples in this Edenic garden.) I have added notes about typos and grammatical things, etc. I'm not liking these aliens!
Sue
dressed in their brown work shirt ==> their . . . shirts
"I'm going on vacation." Number One said, rubbing the small bulge in her stomach.
"When?" Number Eight asked, knowing that when their female partners became pregnant, they went away for awhile. -- missing paragraph break
This time when they passed the command module, the overseers seemed more ominous to him. -- no clear antecedent for "him" -- suggest Number Eight here
About an hour later, he felt someone shaking him, "Are you okay, do you need an overseer?"
It was Number Five, staring at him with her intense blue eyes, her red hair -- missing paragraph break
Number Eight waved it off, noticing that it flew straight into a spider web hanging between two branches, where it began to struggle. A long-legged black spider began traversing from the top of the web towards the unfortunate fly. -- nice metaphor for coming discoveries
She pulled away from him, causing Number Eight to grab her around the waste and kiss her even harder. -- homonym grenade ==> waist
When he didn't role over, Number Seven did and opened her legs -- homonym grenade ==> roll
The woman would load them into the larger burlap sacks ==> women
Number Eight went to the furthest corner ==> farthest (physical distance)
Maybe he should just start drinking breakfast again? -- not a question; suggest beginning sentence with "Should he"
"Are we going to make love again?" she asked, and started to lay back on the bed. ==> lie back on the bed; missing paragraph break
he saw Number Six standing there with his arm around Number Five's waste. ==> waist
"It's okay." he hugged her close, "Tomorrow you will drink your breakfast, and after your eyes glaze over, you will remember none of this conversation." -- there is a slight glitch here in that she remembered why she had not followed his previous instructions -- either the drink erases past memories and current ones, or only past ones.
Once they had their fruity drinks, they sat down next to Number One and a woman that he didn't recognize. She was a short petite blond with light blue eyes, but she was not Number One. -- I believe they would have sat next to Number Two
Number Seven was out. She was content to be a mind-numbing zombie. ==> mind-numbed
because you are not Number Two." the petite blond ==> The; and blonde
Comment Written 11-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2022
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Thanks for taking the time to do this. I made the corrections. Are you an English teacher? That is my guess because you really know your stuff!
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You are welcome. No, I'm not an English teacher, but I had four years of Latin with one of the best teachers who ever lived. I have always liked language and writing and most of my jobs required some degree of writing, editing and/or proofreading. I still have to look up some things. I can't wait for upcoming chapters. I love sci-fi.
