Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 " Dat"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was very enjoyable. I like when you include details like "Squeezing his hand" as it brings your character to life. A little more of that and emotion would bring the characters to life more. But overall this was terrific. Enjoyable. Excellent character development. Well done.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
  |
I thought this was very enjoyable. I like when you include details like "Squeezing his hand" as it brings your character to life. A little more of that and emotion would bring the characters to life more. But overall this was terrific. Enjoyable. Excellent character development. Well done.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2022
-
Thank you!
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
You really must shorten up your posts. You can break your chapters down to 3a, 3b, 3c, etc., but few people will take the time to give you a useful review on posts as long as the first two. I love the story line and all the elements you have introduced. It seems fresh and not sci-fi trite. However, there is a lot you can do to tighten up the writing. In my notes I've offered some options to show you how to tighten up and say more with fewer words. Cardinal Rule #1 of writing is "Show. Don't tell." It's a matter of keeping the writer engaged and the pace from slowing down. I think some of my examples better explain that. I liked the introduction of the Spanish-speaking man and the little girl. This would be so much easier if we were sitting together with paper copies! I look forward to the next post, but please, my old eyes can take only so much of this tiny print at one time!
Sue
Writers here usually give a very brief recap of prior chapters so new readers know what's going on and others are reminded.
The print is so small, it's hard to see immediately, but it looks like you are putting periods in your dialogue sentences before the quotation marks. They should all be commas when you continue with something like "he said." Periods are used if the following words begin a new sentence. Example: "Gotcha." Michael curled his lips in a gruesome smile before continuing.
This was followed by an emotional outburst of tears and crying. -- would be better if you showed us rather than told us
"Tell me about it." she said, "It's like a roller coaster ride."
"
What did you do before the invasion?", he asked.
--- you have your line return in the wrong place -- punctuation ==> invasion?" -- question marks and exclamation points can replace commas
"I guess we need to figure out what to do next.", he said. ==> next, " he said.
"The only thing that I can think about is my hunger." she frowned, "I am starving." ==> hunger," she frowned. "I am
"Hey, let's play it very low key." he cautioned her, "Go ==> key," he cautioned her. "Go
One her breathing calmed down and she stopped struggling against him, he let her go. -- typo ==> Once
There emotional outbursts were going to bring them down if they weren't careful. ==> Their emotional
"Number Five is my partner." Number Six said, and hesitantly raising his finger, gave Daniel a light poke in the chest.
The anger within him rose like a tidal wave, sweeping over any semblance -- since you have two men in the above two paragraphs, better to say, "Daniel's rage rose like a tidal wave."
Daniel drug the battered and bruised body of Number Six ==> Daniel dragged
He retrieved the large bloodied rock and tossed it over the white wall. -- My goodness. He's throwing a lot over that wall! Sure makes me want to know what that stuff is hitting. :-)
He could grab a ladder and making a break for it. ==> make
He felt a deep love for the beautiful red head, ==> redhead
although he wasn't sure if the emotion was being generated from his withdraw from the breakfast drink. -- I really like this concept and explanation for his passionate outbursts ==> withdrawal
a small teardrop run down her check and onto the side of her chin, where it tetered for a moment, ==> teetered
"You don't think that I haven't noticed that things are missing?" she uestioned, -- missing Q -- end with a period.
Both he and Number Seven were drug by their ==> dragged
She was three people down from Daniel. He stared down at her -- antecedent for "He" is Daniel. ==> The overseer stared down
It's now or never, he thought as two overseers grabbed Victoria -- no clear antecedent for "he" so write "Daniel"
She swiftly picked it up and bashed the third overseers helmet in. -- better as bashed in ==> overseer's
"No!" she screamed as she jumped in front of an overseer who was aiming his baton at Daniel's back. -- I had to figure out that the energy bursts were coming from batons. I had considered them like billy clubs.
He giggled for about a half hour over the fish, then realizing that he had killed it, he sobbed uncontrollably for another half hour. -- Very good. Continues to show emotional roller coaster.
The bouts of shame over his previous rapes and murder were the worst, -- would recent be better than previous?
Not to mention that he broke several items in the cabin during fits of rage. -- You can do better! It's not a full sentence -- and you can show us what he did.
One thing that he had noticed during his nighttime food outings was that every once in awhile ==> in a while (article and noun following a preposition; awhile = adverb)
He had seen the Black Castle Tavern on the outskirts of the town when he went through the first time, -- I thought he steered clear of it
It had several motorcycles laying in the parking lot. ==> lying (Almost everyone confuses lie and lay. We'll save that for later.) But I am confused. Were they parked, or strewn about haphazardly on their sides?
Next, he went to the managers run down office ==> manager's rundown
Mossberg 12 gage over-under shotgun. ==> 12 gauge
Daniel's well-trained eye quickly spotted several green power circles placed in random spots of the floor. -- on the floor?
It took him a while in that position, -- here you should use awhile
The banging sounds had awoken him, only now they were much closer. -- because they were closer, much closer?
The prongs were about two inches long, starting out wide, but ending narrow. -- for some reason I read "starting out" as "at the tip" -- perhaps rewording needed
The weapon penetrated deep, causing him to yell out in pain. -- Consider: the weapon's deep penetration caused him (More active and tighter writing.) -- otherwise ==> deeply
The bald man took one step forward when a blast from the shotgun removed his face. -- Yes! The blast removed his face as opposed to Daniel pulling the trigger, etc. That's how to write!
He raised the shotgun and blew the drone to pieces. -- Yeah! Screw the drone! (See, I am paying attention to the story.)
and after sitting on a hay bale, he took his shirt off to inspect -- finer point, better as "took off his shirt"
He pulled a small first aid kit from his pack that he had found in the bathroom of his cabin. -- the pack bothered me because it appeared out of nowhere. Maybe better for him to find the pack and other stuff, like the FA kit, when he was scouring the cabin for salvage.
He went over to a small four pane window and took a look outside. -- Nice detail. Can you enhance it (clarity and cleanliness of glass)
A long column of the overseer's hover cars were passing by on the ==> column . . . was; also ==> overseers'
Then he had to hide, because the two overseers in the front of the hover car were getting out. -- C'mon man. You can do better than this. I know, because I've read much better from you. You allowed yourself to slip into laziness in your writing in order to get to the next part.
He could hear the overseers rummage around for a bit, then had a tense moment when he could see two black boots through a sliver of space between the two hay bales. -- love the boots through a sliver, but having a tense moment is pretty passive, as is rummaging around a bit. SHOW us. What did they do? Tip over bales? How did Daniel's tension express itself? Held his breath? -- Aaah. I keep reading and find out that is exactly what he did!
He found it odd that the two overseers on the mounted gun in the hovercar at the farmhouse never even acknowledge the overseers in the passing car. His enemy seemed to be very emotionless. ==> acknowledged -- can improve by replacing the second overseers with others. Other places hover car is two words.
It took about half of the bottle whiskey, but finally he drifted off. -- "half the remaining whiskey"?
After his head cleared, he put on a fresh tan shirt. -- Where'd that come from? How about a flannel one he'd found earlier when scrounging in the cabin?
surrounded by a wrap around deck. ==> wraparound
Daniel made his way around the north side of the house, where there were two smaller windows. Those two were covered by boards. -- improve by: smaller windows, also boarded up.
He pushed the door another inch further open. . -- use farther for distance
Someone had set the trap to signal an entry. -- No need to state this.
The first door was where the light was coming from. He could see it coming from underneath as well as from the keyhole. Daniel walked very slowly towards the door. -- Consider the difference: Daniel saw light emanating from beneath the first door, and through its keyhole. He walked
That caught his attention and out of his peripheral vision he could see a figure in a dark hoodie holding a nickel plated .357 to the side of his head. -- Yes!
Cheap didn't matter at this range. -- Oh, yes.
"Dejalo." a gruff voice demanded. -- foreign languages are usually italicized; and, of course, the first period should be a comma.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
 |
Douglas,
You really must shorten up your posts. You can break your chapters down to 3a, 3b, 3c, etc., but few people will take the time to give you a useful review on posts as long as the first two. I love the story line and all the elements you have introduced. It seems fresh and not sci-fi trite. However, there is a lot you can do to tighten up the writing. In my notes I've offered some options to show you how to tighten up and say more with fewer words. Cardinal Rule #1 of writing is "Show. Don't tell." It's a matter of keeping the writer engaged and the pace from slowing down. I think some of my examples better explain that. I liked the introduction of the Spanish-speaking man and the little girl. This would be so much easier if we were sitting together with paper copies! I look forward to the next post, but please, my old eyes can take only so much of this tiny print at one time!
Sue
Writers here usually give a very brief recap of prior chapters so new readers know what's going on and others are reminded.
The print is so small, it's hard to see immediately, but it looks like you are putting periods in your dialogue sentences before the quotation marks. They should all be commas when you continue with something like "he said." Periods are used if the following words begin a new sentence. Example: "Gotcha." Michael curled his lips in a gruesome smile before continuing.
This was followed by an emotional outburst of tears and crying. -- would be better if you showed us rather than told us
"Tell me about it." she said, "It's like a roller coaster ride."
"
What did you do before the invasion?", he asked.
--- you have your line return in the wrong place -- punctuation ==> invasion?" -- question marks and exclamation points can replace commas
"I guess we need to figure out what to do next.", he said. ==> next, " he said.
"The only thing that I can think about is my hunger." she frowned, "I am starving." ==> hunger," she frowned. "I am
"Hey, let's play it very low key." he cautioned her, "Go ==> key," he cautioned her. "Go
One her breathing calmed down and she stopped struggling against him, he let her go. -- typo ==> Once
There emotional outbursts were going to bring them down if they weren't careful. ==> Their emotional
"Number Five is my partner." Number Six said, and hesitantly raising his finger, gave Daniel a light poke in the chest.
The anger within him rose like a tidal wave, sweeping over any semblance -- since you have two men in the above two paragraphs, better to say, "Daniel's rage rose like a tidal wave."
Daniel drug the battered and bruised body of Number Six ==> Daniel dragged
He retrieved the large bloodied rock and tossed it over the white wall. -- My goodness. He's throwing a lot over that wall! Sure makes me want to know what that stuff is hitting. :-)
He could grab a ladder and making a break for it. ==> make
He felt a deep love for the beautiful red head, ==> redhead
although he wasn't sure if the emotion was being generated from his withdraw from the breakfast drink. -- I really like this concept and explanation for his passionate outbursts ==> withdrawal
a small teardrop run down her check and onto the side of her chin, where it tetered for a moment, ==> teetered
"You don't think that I haven't noticed that things are missing?" she uestioned, -- missing Q -- end with a period.
Both he and Number Seven were drug by their ==> dragged
She was three people down from Daniel. He stared down at her -- antecedent for "He" is Daniel. ==> The overseer stared down
It's now or never, he thought as two overseers grabbed Victoria -- no clear antecedent for "he" so write "Daniel"
She swiftly picked it up and bashed the third overseers helmet in. -- better as bashed in ==> overseer's
"No!" she screamed as she jumped in front of an overseer who was aiming his baton at Daniel's back. -- I had to figure out that the energy bursts were coming from batons. I had considered them like billy clubs.
He giggled for about a half hour over the fish, then realizing that he had killed it, he sobbed uncontrollably for another half hour. -- Very good. Continues to show emotional roller coaster.
The bouts of shame over his previous rapes and murder were the worst, -- would recent be better than previous?
Not to mention that he broke several items in the cabin during fits of rage. -- You can do better! It's not a full sentence -- and you can show us what he did.
One thing that he had noticed during his nighttime food outings was that every once in awhile ==> in a while (article and noun following a preposition; awhile = adverb)
He had seen the Black Castle Tavern on the outskirts of the town when he went through the first time, -- I thought he steered clear of it
It had several motorcycles laying in the parking lot. ==> lying (Almost everyone confuses lie and lay. We'll save that for later.) But I am confused. Were they parked, or strewn about haphazardly on their sides?
Next, he went to the managers run down office ==> manager's rundown
Mossberg 12 gage over-under shotgun. ==> 12 gauge
Daniel's well-trained eye quickly spotted several green power circles placed in random spots of the floor. -- on the floor?
It took him a while in that position, -- here you should use awhile
The banging sounds had awoken him, only now they were much closer. -- because they were closer, much closer?
The prongs were about two inches long, starting out wide, but ending narrow. -- for some reason I read "starting out" as "at the tip" -- perhaps rewording needed
The weapon penetrated deep, causing him to yell out in pain. -- Consider: the weapon's deep penetration caused him (More active and tighter writing.) -- otherwise ==> deeply
The bald man took one step forward when a blast from the shotgun removed his face. -- Yes! The blast removed his face as opposed to Daniel pulling the trigger, etc. That's how to write!
He raised the shotgun and blew the drone to pieces. -- Yeah! Screw the drone! (See, I am paying attention to the story.)
and after sitting on a hay bale, he took his shirt off to inspect -- finer point, better as "took off his shirt"
He pulled a small first aid kit from his pack that he had found in the bathroom of his cabin. -- the pack bothered me because it appeared out of nowhere. Maybe better for him to find the pack and other stuff, like the FA kit, when he was scouring the cabin for salvage.
He went over to a small four pane window and took a look outside. -- Nice detail. Can you enhance it (clarity and cleanliness of glass)
A long column of the overseer's hover cars were passing by on the ==> column . . . was; also ==> overseers'
Then he had to hide, because the two overseers in the front of the hover car were getting out. -- C'mon man. You can do better than this. I know, because I've read much better from you. You allowed yourself to slip into laziness in your writing in order to get to the next part.
He could hear the overseers rummage around for a bit, then had a tense moment when he could see two black boots through a sliver of space between the two hay bales. -- love the boots through a sliver, but having a tense moment is pretty passive, as is rummaging around a bit. SHOW us. What did they do? Tip over bales? How did Daniel's tension express itself? Held his breath? -- Aaah. I keep reading and find out that is exactly what he did!
He found it odd that the two overseers on the mounted gun in the hovercar at the farmhouse never even acknowledge the overseers in the passing car. His enemy seemed to be very emotionless. ==> acknowledged -- can improve by replacing the second overseers with others. Other places hover car is two words.
It took about half of the bottle whiskey, but finally he drifted off. -- "half the remaining whiskey"?
After his head cleared, he put on a fresh tan shirt. -- Where'd that come from? How about a flannel one he'd found earlier when scrounging in the cabin?
surrounded by a wrap around deck. ==> wraparound
Daniel made his way around the north side of the house, where there were two smaller windows. Those two were covered by boards. -- improve by: smaller windows, also boarded up.
He pushed the door another inch further open. . -- use farther for distance
Someone had set the trap to signal an entry. -- No need to state this.
The first door was where the light was coming from. He could see it coming from underneath as well as from the keyhole. Daniel walked very slowly towards the door. -- Consider the difference: Daniel saw light emanating from beneath the first door, and through its keyhole. He walked
That caught his attention and out of his peripheral vision he could see a figure in a dark hoodie holding a nickel plated .357 to the side of his head. -- Yes!
Cheap didn't matter at this range. -- Oh, yes.
"Dejalo." a gruff voice demanded. -- foreign languages are usually italicized; and, of course, the first period should be a comma.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2022
-
My apologies for not getting back to you. I worked a US Marshals hospital contract and got stuck in an emergency room with very sick people and went down hard Was in bed for a week. eeeesh!I agree.......with everything. I did some research and the average novel chapter should be 3,000 to 5,000 words, not 7,000. So I made revisions. So Chapters1 and 2 and now Chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4 Thanks for taking the time to unscrew me.
-
I am so sorry you got sick! Here, people often tire before 1000 words. If you take care with the editing, they will read. But sure to do an objective self-edit before posting. If readers are slowed by an abundance of SPAGs, they'll just skip it. Remember, here it's your goal to get helpful input from as many people as possible. (Note the number of contests for short poems and flash fiction.)
Also, use advanced editor, (link at lower left of text block). Use a serif typeface and a minimum of 18 pt -- that is much smaller here than in real life. That will make reading much easier. A lot of the best writers/reviewers here are older and have trouble with the tiny sans serif default type.
Write on, my friend!
-
Thanks! I?m a work in progress?
-
That's the key word -- progress. I had the benefit of four yeas of Latin, in which I learned far more about English than I did in any English class.
