The Morning After
Unfortunate incident, for an innocent man.36 total reviews
Comment from WLHall
I enjoyed reading your story; it's descriptive, playing to the reader's senses. What a horror to wake up and be told you murdered four people! It is well written and didn't see any spags. The only thing that jumped out at me that was when Hoskins related what he remembered of the night before. His dialogue of using words and phrases like 'qualmishness', 'tinkled across the kitchen floor', horror-movie footsteps' and 'coming undeviatingly closer, steady, controlled, and calculated' just didn't sound like a person talking. If it wasn't dialogue the descriptions are great. I gave you a five because as a novice writer, I'm not confident enough in my critiquing abilities, but as an avid reader it sounded odd to me. Great story plot. Best wishes. Wanda
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
  |
I enjoyed reading your story; it's descriptive, playing to the reader's senses. What a horror to wake up and be told you murdered four people! It is well written and didn't see any spags. The only thing that jumped out at me that was when Hoskins related what he remembered of the night before. His dialogue of using words and phrases like 'qualmishness', 'tinkled across the kitchen floor', horror-movie footsteps' and 'coming undeviatingly closer, steady, controlled, and calculated' just didn't sound like a person talking. If it wasn't dialogue the descriptions are great. I gave you a five because as a novice writer, I'm not confident enough in my critiquing abilities, but as an avid reader it sounded odd to me. Great story plot. Best wishes. Wanda
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much, Wanda, for your kind words, suggestions, and generous review. I tried to create more questions than answers with this one, hoping to make readers think for themselves. As for the dialog you felt was stilted, it very well could be to some. But not all people talk alike or use the same words. I tried to make the accused sound detail oriented and an intelligent well educated person, not anyone's patsy to take the blame. Dialog should never be just words, or sound like us or the people we know best. It should help to build a better understanding of our characters. I hope this explanation helps. Glad you like my story, except for the dialog. LOL. Much appreciated!
-
Yes, I get what you're saying; you did succeed in making the character come across intelligent and not one to mess with! I would be interested to find out why he had to change his name and what happens next. You could certainly add additional episodes with the intriguing storyline.
-
There seems to be quite a few people who want me to extend on the story, so I guess, I'll have to reconsider and fill in some of the blanks. Thanks, Wanda! I appreciate all the time you've spent with your review and this reply. I look forward to reading some of your work.
-
Thank you, Ric. I just posted a contest entry the other day, so I would be delighted if you want to read it. It's a little long and I'm not sure if it's still paying. I completely understand if you don't want to review it if that's the case. I just came back to Fanstory lately so I don't have much new stuff. I hope to be able to write more now.
I had a feeling people would suggest you extend this story.
-
I'll head over in a bit and read your last contest entry. Glad you're back! Although I appreciate the regulars, meeting new people is always a thrill. I guess, it's the little kid in me. :-)
-
Yes, I'm excited to be back after a long hiatus. Lots of bad stuff going on with me during my absence. I'm looking for reviewers who will give me honest feedback. If my work deserves something less than five stars, I don't want anyone to hesitate to give my work what it really deserves. Those help me way more than a five (unless IT IS flawless). Hehe.
-
Well, honestly, to me, Wanda, I think everyone deserves five stars just for having the nerve to put themselves and their writing out there. Who has the right to judge another person's work, unless they are willing to take the same scrutiny themselves. And from experience, I can tell you that many of them quick to bash someone else's work, quickly get mad if something negative is said about their own. Everyone looks at everything through their own perspective, which in most cases, won't be the same as someone else's. So, if the writer likes what they write, what makes someone else's opinion more right or important. LOL. I know this might sound a little foolish, but we are here to help and encourage others to learn and improve. All of us. So, I see no reason to ever give someone less stars, when more encouragement to motivate them is what will help them most. You write well, and I certainly enjoyed reading your posts!
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, well done, Ric! Your descriptions of the action, people and circumstances drew me right along, wondering what was going on. I had some suspicions, but unless you plan to make this into a longer story (you should) I guess we'll never know.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
|
Wow, well done, Ric! Your descriptions of the action, people and circumstances drew me right along, wondering what was going on. I had some suspicions, but unless you plan to make this into a longer story (you should) I guess we'll never know.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
-
Thank you, Judy, for your kind words and generous review. My intentions were to leave the reader with more questions than answers and let them figure things out the way they wanted them to go. But as it has turned out, there seems to be quite a few people who want it to go on. So, I guess, I had better start figuring out where to take it. LOL. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job with your intriguing story, Ric. I enjoyed
reading it. Your descriptions of everything allowed the readers
to see all. I believe the part about witness protection and believe
someone found him out. I look forward to the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
|
You did a great job with your intriguing story, Ric. I enjoyed
reading it. Your descriptions of everything allowed the readers
to see all. I believe the part about witness protection and believe
someone found him out. I look forward to the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much, Jan, for your kind words of encouragement. It's always a pleasure to read your stories and receive your reviews. Now, I just have to figure out where to go from here. LOL. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from amahra
Wow, this was fantastic, Ric. I won't have anymore sixes until tomorrow. But this was certainly worth one. I like the way this is set up. And the ending is great--making me think the nurse may be in on it. If not, that shot surely will mess up the drug that he so eagerly wanted to be found to prove his innocence.
"...digging in an endless sludge pit of nothingness. "[like this line]
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
|
Wow, this was fantastic, Ric. I won't have anymore sixes until tomorrow. But this was certainly worth one. I like the way this is set up. And the ending is great--making me think the nurse may be in on it. If not, that shot surely will mess up the drug that he so eagerly wanted to be found to prove his innocence.
"...digging in an endless sludge pit of nothingness. "[like this line]
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much, Amahra, for your kind words and generous review. Sixes are great, but they don't even compare to the pleasure I get from my favorite writers taking time out to read and enjoying my foolishness. I knew when I posted this on Saturday that most would be out of stars. But who cares about flash. Well, unless it's gold and diamonds around my neck or in my pocket. LOL. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from Shirley McLain
What an intense story, and you certainly know how to describe a hangover. I've had two in my lifetime, and your description brought their memory back. You did a great job as always. Shirley
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
|
What an intense story, and you certainly know how to describe a hangover. I've had two in my lifetime, and your description brought their memory back. You did a great job as always. Shirley
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much, Shirley, for taking time to read more of my foolishness. Actually, he didn't have a hangover, but I did describe it so that people would think he did. Then, I said he hadn't consumed alcohol. LOL. I pulled people in so many directions in this one, creating mostly questions, and leaving to find their own answers. I hope it was fun. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from LJbutterfly
Nooo! I was expecting a "To be continued" notice at the end. What happened to this guy? I hope you're not planning on leaving us hanging. In any event, this story is compelling and mysterious and begs to be continued. Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
|
Nooo! I was expecting a "To be continued" notice at the end. What happened to this guy? I hope you're not planning on leaving us hanging. In any event, this story is compelling and mysterious and begs to be continued. Well done.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much, Lorraine, for your kind and generous review. I planned to create more questions and answers with this one and leave readers to make up their own minds as to what happens. But, I did leave it open so that I could pick it up and move on if anyone really wanted me to. LOL. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from Thomas Blanks
Interesting story because things turn to shit for the protagonist very quickly...
Here are my notes: Lying locked in place, breathing the smell of antiseptics, machines beeped, and both my wrists were cuffed to the hospital bed's metal rails. (You have a dangling modifier. "Lying locked in place, breathing the smell of antiseptics" modifies the narrator, not "machines," which is the next word, so it is wrong. To correct this, I suggest: Lying locked in place, breathing the smell of antiseptics, I heard machines beep, and both my wrists were cuffed...
"Come on now, don't be stupid. Had I killed four people, I surely wouldn't have left my handgun and went (GONE instead of went) out back to take a nap in the bushes...
The police could subpoena the data from Facebook that identifies the IP address used to set up the Facebook account for Zambrano. If it wasn't the personal or work computer of the narrator, he is exonerated.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
|
Interesting story because things turn to shit for the protagonist very quickly...
Here are my notes: Lying locked in place, breathing the smell of antiseptics, machines beeped, and both my wrists were cuffed to the hospital bed's metal rails. (You have a dangling modifier. "Lying locked in place, breathing the smell of antiseptics" modifies the narrator, not "machines," which is the next word, so it is wrong. To correct this, I suggest: Lying locked in place, breathing the smell of antiseptics, I heard machines beep, and both my wrists were cuffed...
"Come on now, don't be stupid. Had I killed four people, I surely wouldn't have left my handgun and went (GONE instead of went) out back to take a nap in the bushes...
The police could subpoena the data from Facebook that identifies the IP address used to set up the Facebook account for Zambrano. If it wasn't the personal or work computer of the narrator, he is exonerated.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much, Thomas, for your kind words, suggestions, and generous review. Machines beeped wasn't intended to modify the narrator or anything else. So, maybe I just need to put a period after antiseptics. Capitoize Machines and add a period, like. Machines beeped. (the whole sentence). And both my wrists were cuffed to the hospital bed's metal rails. LOL. Fortunately, I wouldn't have to get the police to subpoena the data from Facebook. I could find it myself in about eight minutes. And then leave a trail tying it right back to whoever I wanted to be responsible. LOL. Much appreciated!
Comment from Brett Matthew West
If the character is nervous with bloodshot eyes, having a gun in his hand may not be a good combination.
Seemed he is in a pretty messed up condition.
How did he end up in that condition? That is the main unanswered question.
Seems like he is in a whole heap of trouble, as in "What you talking about, Wilis?"
The follow up no doubt will be rather interesting.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
 |
If the character is nervous with bloodshot eyes, having a gun in his hand may not be a good combination.
Seemed he is in a pretty messed up condition.
How did he end up in that condition? That is the main unanswered question.
Seems like he is in a whole heap of trouble, as in "What you talking about, Wilis?"
The follow up no doubt will be rather interesting.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much, Brett Matthew, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. I don't even know where this came from. I just sat down and started writing and here it is. LOL. I tried to create more questions than answers and leave reader to figure things out in their own minds. I wasn't planning to even extend it to more chapters, but there are a few who hope I will. Anyway, we'll see. Hope you're having a great weekend! I appreciate YOU!
-
Count me in for voting you write more of this. So many directions the story could travel.
Comment from John Ciarmello
Wow! I hope this is a, to be continued... This has your usual exciting, suspenseful feel, and I would love to read more. Please tell me you'll answer some of these dangling, gnawing questions. Great writing, my friend! Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
|
Wow! I hope this is a, to be continued... This has your usual exciting, suspenseful feel, and I would love to read more. Please tell me you'll answer some of these dangling, gnawing questions. Great writing, my friend! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
-
Hey, brother John, thanks for your kind words and generous review. I wrote this to create more questions than answers and leave readers to figure things out on their own. I didn't plant to extend it past a single chapter, but since there are a few people who have said they'd like to read more, I might have to think about it. Hope you're having a great weekend! I appreciate YOU!
-
Yes! Please consider it, Ric. It has so much going for it. I appreciate you as well.
Comment from BethShelby
Wow! What a story. You could make a novel out of this. It is a horror story as it is. I've had people create a new facebook page with my name and pictures. The only thing changed was my birthday and then they started sending out instant messages from me to my friends, so I can believe it could happen. You are truly creative.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
|
Wow! What a story. You could make a novel out of this. It is a horror story as it is. I've had people create a new facebook page with my name and pictures. The only thing changed was my birthday and then they started sending out instant messages from me to my friends, so I can believe it could happen. You are truly creative.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much, Beth, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. Yes, something like this could truly happen to any one of us at any time. Of course, I left so that I could change things up if I decide to, since it's not true and only a story. LOL. I appreciate your writing and your reviews! Ric
