Implantation
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Emotional Carnage"A sci-fi thriller!
2 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas, (edited to address you by YOUR name, not your character's) just call me a ditzy old lady.)
Bravo! This is so much easier to read and your punctuation has vastly improved. I still love the story line and the world you are building. Number Seven's self-sacrifice speaks to the part of humanity that can't be subdued. The unleashed emotions raging out of control is also a terrific element. I did notice that you had missed a few punctuation issues and found a few other minor things that I have noted below. I hope I am explaining them correctly.
Sue
and he slipped on his canvas shoes. ==> slipped into? (I first visualized him landing on his butt after stepping on his shoes.)
"Good morning.", Daniel said to the couple at his ==> morning," Daniel
"I just said great joke." the muscular ==> joke," (Always a comma to replace a period when followed by who said something. Exclamation points and question marks stand alone.)
"Oh, Number Eight, you are as funny as Number One." he simply smiled at him. -- here you would capitalize He because you are starting a new sentence. But who "he" refers to is unclear. Suggest saying Number Two.
"Why is that funny?" Daniel knew that he was pushing it, but his curiosity was winning out. -- punctuation/capitalization is correct, but you need a line break above and need to delete the indent
"Because Number One is my partner and your partner is Number Seven. Very funny." he let out another laugh -- as above
"You stopped drinking breakfast." he stammered. ==> breakfast," he
They spent the next three hours in the shed, fulfilling each other's needs ==> others'
"What the hell is going on?" she asked him, "I am an emotional wreck." ==> asked him. (Sentence ends and a new one starts with continued dialogue.)
taste is laced with something." he explained, "Somehow ==> something," he explained. "Somehow
Daniel tossed her an apple, which she took a large juicy bite from. -- better as: from which she took . . .
"I doubt anyone would come," Daniel looked perplexed. ==> come." (Because the following is a stand-alone statement and doesn't relate directly to the speech.)
"I tried to talk to Number Seven a few times about skipping breakfast, but she seems to be too far gone. == missing end "
He grabbed the older man's finger and broke it, causing hm to scream. -- typo ==> him
because I am newly pregnant." she whispered back. ==> pregnant," she
"Listen to me. Don't report it." he ordered, "Tomorrow ==> report it," he ordered. Tomorrow
"Together." she said, and lightly brushed his hand with hers, then ==> "Together," she said, and . . . hers. Then --- (new sentence)
When they finished, they fell asleep in each other's arms. ==> others'
The curly brown-haired Number Twelve stood up, ==> curly-brown-haired (reads as though Number Twelve is curly)
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2022
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Douglas, (edited to address you by YOUR name, not your character's) just call me a ditzy old lady.)
Bravo! This is so much easier to read and your punctuation has vastly improved. I still love the story line and the world you are building. Number Seven's self-sacrifice speaks to the part of humanity that can't be subdued. The unleashed emotions raging out of control is also a terrific element. I did notice that you had missed a few punctuation issues and found a few other minor things that I have noted below. I hope I am explaining them correctly.
Sue
and he slipped on his canvas shoes. ==> slipped into? (I first visualized him landing on his butt after stepping on his shoes.)
"Good morning.", Daniel said to the couple at his ==> morning," Daniel
"I just said great joke." the muscular ==> joke," (Always a comma to replace a period when followed by who said something. Exclamation points and question marks stand alone.)
"Oh, Number Eight, you are as funny as Number One." he simply smiled at him. -- here you would capitalize He because you are starting a new sentence. But who "he" refers to is unclear. Suggest saying Number Two.
"Why is that funny?" Daniel knew that he was pushing it, but his curiosity was winning out. -- punctuation/capitalization is correct, but you need a line break above and need to delete the indent
"Because Number One is my partner and your partner is Number Seven. Very funny." he let out another laugh -- as above
"You stopped drinking breakfast." he stammered. ==> breakfast," he
They spent the next three hours in the shed, fulfilling each other's needs ==> others'
"What the hell is going on?" she asked him, "I am an emotional wreck." ==> asked him. (Sentence ends and a new one starts with continued dialogue.)
taste is laced with something." he explained, "Somehow ==> something," he explained. "Somehow
Daniel tossed her an apple, which she took a large juicy bite from. -- better as: from which she took . . .
"I doubt anyone would come," Daniel looked perplexed. ==> come." (Because the following is a stand-alone statement and doesn't relate directly to the speech.)
"I tried to talk to Number Seven a few times about skipping breakfast, but she seems to be too far gone. == missing end "
He grabbed the older man's finger and broke it, causing hm to scream. -- typo ==> him
because I am newly pregnant." she whispered back. ==> pregnant," she
"Listen to me. Don't report it." he ordered, "Tomorrow ==> report it," he ordered. Tomorrow
"Together." she said, and lightly brushed his hand with hers, then ==> "Together," she said, and . . . hers. Then --- (new sentence)
When they finished, they fell asleep in each other's arms. ==> others'
The curly brown-haired Number Twelve stood up, ==> curly-brown-haired (reads as though Number Twelve is curly)
Comment Written 22-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2022
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I can't thank you enough. You are very encouraging!
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I am always happy to help anyone who wants to learn. Your story is really intriguing to me.
Comment from lancellot
I like what you have. I do. I think you should reedit this chapter. Things can be tightened up. Watch those tags, and switches in tenses. Try to show more than tell. Once you've got things shored up. This will be even better.
notes (things to look for)
module, his panicked eyes {staring} at the front door.
-stared (maintain past tense)
Number Seven asked, a look of concern on her {face, "You need} to get dressed
-face. "You need
She {came down and} crouched beside him, taking his hand.
-She crouched beside him, then took his hand. (maintain past tense. Also, you didn't establish she was up somewhere)
His heartrate steadied, and the panic slowly left him.
- Start a new paragraph with this sentence, as his actions are separate from 7.
"Good {morning.", Daniel} said to the couple at his table.
-"Good morning," Daniel said to the couple at his table.
Number Two smiled at {them, "I hope} it doesn't rain."
-Number Two smiled at them. "I hope it doesn't rain." (action tag)
"I dreamed that you came to our home module last night and we had sex, Number {Eight." Number} One said, nonchalantly.
-Eight," Number One (speech tag)
"I just said great {joke." the} muscular black man smiled at him.
-"I just said great joke." The muscular black man smiled at him.
"Oh, Number Eight, you are as funny as Number {One." he simply smiled at him.}
-"Oh, Number Eight, you are as funny as Number One." He kept his smile.
"You stopped drinking {breakfast." he} stammered.
-"You, um... you stopped drinking breakfast," he stammered. (make him stammer)
"Shut up," was her response as she shoved him hard onto the burlap sacks.
-"Shut up." She shoved him hard onto the burlap sacks.
Daniel joined in, and for several minutes they {were sad and} hugged each other.
-Daniel joined in, and for several minutes they held each other until no more tears fell.
( Finally, it ended and they wiped the tears from their faces.)
- delete
she asked {him, "I am} an emotional wreck."
-she asked him. "I am an emotional wreck."
"It's the breakfast drink. That fruity mix with the tart taste is laced with {something." he explained, "Somehow}
-"It's the breakfast drink. That fruity mix with the tart taste is laced with something," he explained. "Somehow
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2022
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I like what you have. I do. I think you should reedit this chapter. Things can be tightened up. Watch those tags, and switches in tenses. Try to show more than tell. Once you've got things shored up. This will be even better.
notes (things to look for)
module, his panicked eyes {staring} at the front door.
-stared (maintain past tense)
Number Seven asked, a look of concern on her {face, "You need} to get dressed
-face. "You need
She {came down and} crouched beside him, taking his hand.
-She crouched beside him, then took his hand. (maintain past tense. Also, you didn't establish she was up somewhere)
His heartrate steadied, and the panic slowly left him.
- Start a new paragraph with this sentence, as his actions are separate from 7.
"Good {morning.", Daniel} said to the couple at his table.
-"Good morning," Daniel said to the couple at his table.
Number Two smiled at {them, "I hope} it doesn't rain."
-Number Two smiled at them. "I hope it doesn't rain." (action tag)
"I dreamed that you came to our home module last night and we had sex, Number {Eight." Number} One said, nonchalantly.
-Eight," Number One (speech tag)
"I just said great {joke." the} muscular black man smiled at him.
-"I just said great joke." The muscular black man smiled at him.
"Oh, Number Eight, you are as funny as Number {One." he simply smiled at him.}
-"Oh, Number Eight, you are as funny as Number One." He kept his smile.
"You stopped drinking {breakfast." he} stammered.
-"You, um... you stopped drinking breakfast," he stammered. (make him stammer)
"Shut up," was her response as she shoved him hard onto the burlap sacks.
-"Shut up." She shoved him hard onto the burlap sacks.
Daniel joined in, and for several minutes they {were sad and} hugged each other.
-Daniel joined in, and for several minutes they held each other until no more tears fell.
( Finally, it ended and they wiped the tears from their faces.)
- delete
she asked {him, "I am} an emotional wreck."
-she asked him. "I am an emotional wreck."
"It's the breakfast drink. That fruity mix with the tart taste is laced with {something." he explained, "Somehow}
-"It's the breakfast drink. That fruity mix with the tart taste is laced with something," he explained. "Somehow
Comment Written 22-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2022
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Again, thank you so very much for taking the time. I haven't written in a long time, so probably need some refresher courses. I do love it though... Thanks!
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You're very welcome.
